every night. No, no, to marry is to be a child again, and play with
the same
rattle always. Oh, fie, marrying is a paw thing.
MISS. Well, but don't you love me as well as you did last night
then?
TATT. No, no, child, you would not have me.
MISS. No? Yes, but I would, though.
TATT. Pshaw, but I tell you you would not. You forget you're a
woman and don't know your own mind.
MISS. But here's my father, and he knows my mind.
SCENE V.
[To them] FORESIGHT.
FORE. O Mr Tattle, your servant, you are a close man; but
methinksyour love to my daughter was a secret I might have been trusted
with. Or had you a mind to try if I could discover it by my art?
Hum, ha! I think there is something in your physiognomy that has a
resemblance of her; and the girl is like me.
TATT. And so you would infer that you and I are alike? What does
the old prig mean? I'll banter him, and laugh at him, and leave
him. [Aside.] I fancy you have a wrong notion of faces.
FORE. How? What? A wrong notion? How so?
TATT. In the way of art: I have some
taking features, not obvious
to
vulgar eyes, that are indications of a sudden turn of good
fortune in the
lottery of wives, and promise a great beauty and
great fortune reserved alone for me, by a private intrigue of
destiny, kept secret from the
piercing eye of perspicuity, from all
astrologers, and the stars themselves.
FORE. How! I will make it appear that what you say is impossible.
TATT. Sir, I beg your
pardon, I'm in haste -
FORE. For what?
TATT. To be married, sir, married.
FORE. Ay, but pray take me along with you, sir -
TATT. No, sir; 'tis to be done
privately. I never make confidants.
FORE. Well, but my consent, I mean. You won't marry my daughter
without my consent?
TATT. Who? I, sir? I'm an
absolute stranger to you and your
daughter, sir.
FORE. Hey day! What time of the moon is this?
TATT. Very true, sir, and desire to continue so. I have no more
love for your daughter than I have
likeness of you, and I have a
secret in my heart which you would be glad to know and shan't know,
and yet you shall know it, too, and be sorry for't afterwards. I'd
have you to know, sir, that I am as
knowing as the stars, and as
secret as the night. And I'm going to be married just now, yet did
not know of it half an hour ago; and the lady stays for me, and does
not know of it yet. There's a
mystery for you: I know you love to
untie difficulties. Or, if you can't solve this, stay here a
quarter of an hour, and I'll come and explain it to you.
SCENE VI.
FORESIGHT, MISS PRUE
MISS. O father, why will you let him go? Won't you make him to be
my husband?
FORE. Mercy on us, what do these lunacies portend? Alas! he's mad,
child, stark wild.
MISS. What, and must not I have e'er a husband, then? What, must I
go to bed to nurse again, and be a child as long as she's an old
woman? Indeed but I won't. For now my mind is set upon a man, I
will have a man some way or other. Oh,
methinks I'm sick when I
think of a man; and if I can't have one, I would go to sleep all my
life: for when I'm awake it makes me wish and long, and I don't
know for what. And I'd rather be always asleep than sick with
thinking.
FORE. Oh, fearful! I think the girl's influenced too. Hussy, you
shall have a rod.
MISS. A
fiddle of a rod, I'll have a husband; and if you won't get
me one, I'll get one for myself. I'll marry our Robin the butler;
he says he loves me, and he's a handsome man, and shall be my
husband: I
warrant he'll be my husband, and thank me too, for he
told me so.
SCENE VII.
[To them] SCANDAL, MRS FORESIGHT, and NURSE.
FORE. Did he so? I'll
dispatch him for't
presently. Rogue! O
nurse, come hither.
NURSE. What is your worship's pleasure?
FORE. Here, take your young
mistress and lock her up
presently,
till farther orders from me. Not a word, Hussy; do what I bid you,
no reply, away. And bid Robin make ready to give an
account of his
plate and linen, d'ye hear: begone when I bid you.
MRS FORE. What's the matter, husband?
FORE. 'Tis not
convenient to tell you now. Mr Scandal, heav'n keep
us all in our senses--I fear there is a
contagiousfrenzyabroad.
How does Valentine?
SCAN. Oh, I hope he will do well again. I have a message from him
to your niece Angelica.
FORE. I think she has not returned since she went
abroad with Sir
Sampson. Nurse, why are you not gone?
SCENE VIII.
FORESIGHT, SCANDAL, MRS FORESIGHT, BEN.
MRS FORE. Here's Mr Benjamin, he can tell us if his father be come
home.
BEN. Who? Father? Ay, he's come home with a vengeance.
MRS FORE. Why, what's the matter?
BEN. Matter! Why, he's mad.
FORE. Mercy on us, I was afraid of this. And there's the handsome
young woman, she, as they say, brother Val went mad for, she's mad
too, I think.
FORE. Oh, my poor niece, my poor niece, is she gone too? Well, I
shall run mad next.
MRS FORE. Well, but how mad? How d'ye mean?
BEN. Nay, I'll give you leave to guess. I'll
undertake to make a
voyage to Antegoa--no, hold; I mayn't say so, neither. But I'll
sail as far as Leghorn and back again before you shall guess at the
matter, and do nothing else. Mess, you may take in all the points
of the
compass, and not hit right.
MRS FORE. Your experiment will take up a little too much time.
BEN. Why, then, I'll tell you; there's a new
wedding upon the
stocks, and they two are a-going to be married to rights.
SCAN. Who?
BEN. Why, father and--the young woman. I can't hit of her name.
SCAN. Angelica?
BEN. Ay, the same.
MRS FORE. Sir Sampson and Angelica? Impossible!
BEN. That may be--but I'm sure it is as I tell you.
SCAN. 'Sdeath, it's a jest. I can't believe it.
BEN. Look you, friend, it's nothing to me whether you believe it or
no. What I say is true, d'ye see, they are married, or just going
to be married, I know not which.
FORE. Well, but they are not mad, that is, not lunatic?
BEN. I don't know what you may call
madness. But she's mad for a
husband, and he's horn mad, I think, or they'd ne'er make a match
together. Here they come.
SCENE IX.
[To them] SIR SAMPSON, ANGELICA, BUCKRAM.
SIR SAMP. Where is this old soothsayer, this uncle of mine elect?
Aha, old Foresight, Uncle Foresight, wish me joy, Uncle Foresight,
double joy, both as uncle and astrologer; here's a
conjunction that
was not
foretold in all your Ephemeris. The brightest star in the
blue firmament--IS SHOT FROM ABOVE, IN A JELLY OF LOVE, and so
forth; and I'm lord of the ascendant. Odd, you're an old fellow,
Foresight; uncle, I mean, a very old fellow, Uncle Foresight: and
yet you shall live to dance at my
wedding; faith and troth, you
shall. Odd, we'll have the music of the sphere's for thee, old
Lilly, that we will, and thou shalt lead up a dance in Via Lactea.
FORE. I'm thunderstruck! You are not married to my niece?
SIR SAMP. Not
absolutely married, uncle; but very near it, within a
kiss of the matter, as you see. [Kisses ANGELICA.]
ANG. 'Tis very true, indeed, uncle. I hope you'll be my father,
and give me.
SIR SAMP. That he shall, or I'll burn his globes. Body o' me, he
shall be thy father, I'll make him thy father, and thou shalt make
me a father, and I'll make thee a mother, and we'll beget sons and
daughters enough to put the
weekly bills out of countenance.
SCAN. Death and hell! Where's Valentine?
SCENE X.
SIR SAMPSON, ANGELICA, FORESIGHT, MRS FORESIGHT, BEN, BUCKRAM.
MRS FORE. This is so
surprising.
SIR SAMP. How! What does my aunt say? Surprising, aunt? Not at
all for a young couple to make a match in winter: not at all. It's
a plot to
undermine cold weather, and destroy that usurper of a bed
called a warming-pan.
MRS FORE. I'm glad to hear you have so much fire in you, Sir
Sampson.
BEN. Mess, I fear his fire's little better than tinder; mayhap it
will only serve to light up a match for somebody else. The young
woman's a handsome young woman, I can't deny it: but, father, if I
might be your pilot in this case, you should not marry her. It's
just the same thing as if so be you should sail so far as the
Straits without provision.
SIR SAMP. Who gave you authority to speak, sirrah? To your
element, fish, be mute, fish, and to sea, rule your helm, sirrah,
don't direct me.
BEN. Well, well, take you care of your own helm, or you mayn't keep
your new
vessel steady.
SIR SAMP. Why, you impudent tarpaulin! Sirrah, do you bring your
forecastle jests upon your father? But I shall be even with you, I
won't give you a groat. Mr Buckram, is the
conveyance so worded
that nothing can possibly
descend to this
scoundrel? I would not so
much as have him have the
prospect of an
estate, though there were
no way to come to it, but by the North-East Passage.
BUCK. Sir, it is drawn according to your directions; there is not
the least cranny of the law unstopt.
BEN. Lawyer, I believe there's many a cranny and leak unstopt in
your
conscience. If so be that one had a pump to your bosom, I
believe we should discover a foul hold. They say a witch will sail
in a sieve: but I believe the devil would not
ventureaboard o'
your
conscience. And that's for you.
SIR SAMP. Hold your tongue, sirrah. How now, who's here?
SCENE XI.
[To them] TATTLE and MRS FRAIL.
MRS FRAIL. O sister, the most
unlucky accident.
MRS FORE. What's the matter?
TATT. Oh, the two most
unfortunate poor creatures in the world we
are.
FORE. Bless us! How so?
MRS FRAIL. Ah, Mr Tattle and I, poor Mr Tattle and I are--I can't
speak it out.
TATT. Nor I. But poor Mrs Frail and I are -
MRS FRAIL. Married.
MRS FORE. Married! How?
TATT. Suddenly--before we knew where we were--that
villain Jeremy,
by the help of disguises, tricked us into one another.
FORE. Why, you told me just now you went hence in haste to be
married.
ANG. But I believe Mr Tattle meant the favour to me: I thank him.
TATT. I did, as I hope to be saved, madam; my intentions were good.
But this is the most cruel thing, to marry one does not know how,
nor why, nor
wherefore. The devil take me if ever I was so much
concerned at anything in my life.
ANG. 'Tis very
unhappy, if you don't care for one another.
TATT. The least in the world--that is for my part: I speak for
myself. Gad, I never had the least thought of serious kindness.--I
never liked anybody less in my life. Poor woman! Gad, I'm sorry