章节正文
to the speculator. I think I shall some day
beguile my time with writing an account of
the principal quack remedies which have met
with success. They are few in number, after
all, as any one must know who recalls the
countless pills and tonics which are puffed
awhile on the fences, and disappear, to be
heard of no more.
Lastly, I inclined for a while to undertake
a private insaneasylum, which appeared to
me to offer facilities for money-making, as to
which, however, I may have been deceived by
the writings of certain popular novelists. I
went so far, I may say, as actually to visit
Concord for the purpose of finding a pleasant
locality and a suitableatmosphere. Upon
reflection I abandoned my plans, as
involving too much personal labor to suit one
of my easy frame of mind.
Tired at last of idleness and lounging on
the Common, I engaged in two or three little
ventures of a semi-professional character,
such as an exhibition of laughing-gas,
advertising to cure cancer,--``Send twenty-five
stamps by mail to J. B., and receive an
infallible receipt,''--etc. I did not find, however,
that these little enterprises prospered well in
New England, and I had recalled very forcibly
a story which my father was fond of
relating to me in my boyhood. It was about
how certain very knowing flies went to get
molasses, and how it ended by the molasses
getting them. This, indeed, was precisely
what happened to me in all my efforts to
better myself in the Northern States, until
at length my misfortunes climaxed in total
and unexpected ruin.
Having been very economical, I had now
about twenty-seven hundred dollars. It was
none too much. At this time I made the
acquaintance of a sea-captain from Maine.
He told me that he and two others had chartered
a smart little steamer to run to Jamaica
with a variety cargo. In fact, he meant to
run into Wilmington or Charleston, and he
was to carry quinine, chloroform, and other
medical requirements for the Confederates.
He needed twenty-five hundred dollars more,
and a doctor to buy the kind of things which
army surgeons require. Of course I was
prudent and he careful, but at last, on his
proving to me that there was no risk, I
agreed to expend his money, his friends',
and my own up to twenty-five hundred dollars.
I saw the other men, one of them a
rebel captain. I was well pleased with the
venture, and resolved for obvious reasons to
go with them on the steamer. It was a
promising investment, and I am free to
reflect that in this, as in some other things, I
have been free from vulgar prejudices. I
bought all that we needed, and was well
satisfied when it was cleverly stowed away in
the hold.
We were to sail on a certain Thursday
morning in September, 1863. I sent my
trunk to the vessel, and went down the evening
before we were to start to go on board,
but found that the little steamer had been
hauled out from the pier. The captain, who
met me at this time, endeavored to get a
boat to ferry us to the ship; but a gale was
blowing, and he advised me to wait until
morning. My associates were already on
board. Early next day I dressed and went
to the captain's room, which proved to be
empty. I was instantly filled with doubt,
and ran frantically to the Long Wharf,
where, to my horror, I could see no signs
of the vessel or captain. Neither have I
ever set eyes on them from that time to this.
I thought of lodging information with the
police as to the unpatriotic design of the
rascal who swindled me, but on the whole
concluded that it was best to hold my tongue.
It was, as I perceived, such utterly spilt
milk as to be little worth lamenting, and I
therefore set to work, with my accustomed
energy, to utilize on my own behalf the
resources of my medical education, which so
often before had saved me from want. The
war, then raging at its height, appeared to
offer numerous opportunities to men of talent.
The path which I chose was apparently a
humble one, but it enabled me to make very
practical use of my professional knowledge,
and afforded for a time rapid and secure
returns, without any other investment than a
little knowledge cautiously employed. In the
first place, I deposited my small remnant of
property in a safe bank. Then I went to
Providence, where, as I had heard, patriotic
persons were giving very large bounties in
order, I suppose, to insure the government
the services of better men than themselves.
On my arrival I lost no time in offering
myself as a substitute, and was readily accepted,
and very soon mustered into the Twentieth
Rhode Island. Three months were passed
in camp, during which period I received
bounty to the extent of six hundred and
fifty dollars, with which I tranquilly
deserted about two hours before the regiment
left for the field. With the product of my
industry I returned to Boston, and deposited
all but enough to carry me to New York,
where within a month I enlisted twice, earning
on each occasion four hundred dollars.
After this I thought it wise to try the same
game in some of the smaller towns near to
Philadelphia. I approached my birthplace
with a good deal of doubt; but I selected a
regiment in camp at Norristown, which is
eighteen miles away. Here I got nearly
seven hundred dollars by entering the service
as a substitute for an editor, whose pen,
I presume, was mightier than his sword. I
was, however, disagreeably surprised by being
hastily forwarded to the front under a foxy
young lieutenant, who brutally shot down a
poor devil in the streets of Baltimore for
attempting to desert. At this point I began
to make use of my medical skill, for I did
not in the least degree fancy being shot,
either because of deserting or of not deserting.
It happened, therefore, that a day or
two later, while in Washington, I was seized
in the street with a fit, which perfectly
imposed upon the officer in charge, and caused
him to leave me at the Douglas Hospital.
Here I found it necessary to perform fits
about twice a week, and as there were several
real epileptics in the ward, I had a
capital chance of studying their symptoms,
which, finally, I learned to imitate with the
utmost cleverness.
I soon got to know three or four men who,
like myself, were personallyaverse to bullets,
and who were simulating other forms of
disease with more or less success. One of
them suffered with rheumatism of the back,
and walked about like an old man; another,
who had been to the front, was palsied in the
right arm. A third kept open an ulcer on
the leg, rubbing in a little antimonial
ointment, which I bought at fifty cents, and sold
him at five dollars a box.
A change in the hospital staff brought all
of us to grief. The new surgeon was a quiet,
gentlemanly person, with pleasant blue eyes
and clearly cut features, and a way of looking
at you without saying much. I felt so
safe myself that I watched his procedures
with just that kind of enjoyment which one
clever man takes in seeing another at work.
The first inspection settled two of us.
``Another back case,'' said the assistant
surgeon to his senior.
``Back hurt you?'' says the latter, mildly.
``Yes, sir; run over by a howitzer; ain't
never been able to stand straight since.''
``A howitzer!'' says the surgeon. ``Lean
forward, my man, so as to touch the floor--
so. That will do.'' Then turning to his aid,
he said, ``Prepare this man's discharge
papers.''
``His discharge, sir?''
``Yes; I said that. Who's next?''
``Thank you, sir,'' groaned the man with
the back. ``How soon, sir, do you think it
will be?''
``Ah, not less than a month,'' replied the
surgeon, and passed on.
Now, as it was unpleasant to be bent like
the letter C, and as the patient presumed that
his discharge was secure, he naturally allowed
himself a little relaxation in the way of
becoming straighter. Unluckily, those nice
blue eyes were everywhere at all hours, and
one fine morning Smithson was appalled at
finding himself in a detachment bound for
the field, and bearing on his descriptive list
an ill-natured indorsement about his malady.
The surgeon came next on O'Callahan,
standing, like each of us, at the foot of his
own bed.
``I've paralytics in my arm,'' he said, with
intention to explain his failure to salute his
superior.
``Humph!'' said the surgeon; ``you have
another hand.''
beguile my time with writing an account of
the principal quack remedies which have met
with success. They are few in number, after
all, as any one must know who recalls the
countless pills and tonics which are puffed
awhile on the fences, and disappear, to be
heard of no more.
Lastly, I inclined for a while to undertake
a private insaneasylum, which appeared to
me to offer facilities for money-making, as to
which, however, I may have been deceived by
the writings of certain popular novelists. I
went so far, I may say, as actually to visit
Concord for the purpose of finding a pleasant
locality and a suitableatmosphere. Upon
reflection I abandoned my plans, as
involving too much personal labor to suit one
of my easy frame of mind.
Tired at last of idleness and lounging on
the Common, I engaged in two or three little
ventures of a semi-professional character,
such as an exhibition of laughing-gas,
advertising to cure cancer,--``Send twenty-five
stamps by mail to J. B., and receive an
infallible receipt,''--etc. I did not find, however,
that these little enterprises prospered well in
New England, and I had recalled very forcibly
a story which my father was fond of
relating to me in my boyhood. It was about
how certain very knowing flies went to get
molasses, and how it ended by the molasses
getting them. This, indeed, was precisely
what happened to me in all my efforts to
better myself in the Northern States, until
at length my misfortunes climaxed in total
and unexpected ruin.
Having been very economical, I had now
about twenty-seven hundred dollars. It was
none too much. At this time I made the
acquaintance of a sea-captain from Maine.
He told me that he and two others had chartered
a smart little steamer to run to Jamaica
with a variety cargo. In fact, he meant to
run into Wilmington or Charleston, and he
was to carry quinine, chloroform, and other
medical requirements for the Confederates.
He needed twenty-five hundred dollars more,
and a doctor to buy the kind of things which
army surgeons require. Of course I was
prudent and he careful, but at last, on his
proving to me that there was no risk, I
agreed to expend his money, his friends',
and my own up to twenty-five hundred dollars.
I saw the other men, one of them a
rebel captain. I was well pleased with the
venture, and resolved for obvious reasons to
go with them on the steamer. It was a
promising investment, and I am free to
reflect that in this, as in some other things, I
have been free from vulgar prejudices. I
bought all that we needed, and was well
satisfied when it was cleverly stowed away in
the hold.
We were to sail on a certain Thursday
morning in September, 1863. I sent my
trunk to the vessel, and went down the evening
before we were to start to go on board,
but found that the little steamer had been
hauled out from the pier. The captain, who
met me at this time, endeavored to get a
boat to ferry us to the ship; but a gale was
blowing, and he advised me to wait until
morning. My associates were already on
board. Early next day I dressed and went
to the captain's room, which proved to be
empty. I was instantly filled with doubt,
and ran frantically to the Long Wharf,
where, to my horror, I could see no signs
of the vessel or captain. Neither have I
ever set eyes on them from that time to this.
I thought of lodging information with the
police as to the unpatriotic design of the
rascal who swindled me, but on the whole
concluded that it was best to hold my tongue.
It was, as I perceived, such utterly spilt
milk as to be little worth lamenting, and I
therefore set to work, with my accustomed
energy, to utilize on my own behalf the
resources of my medical education, which so
often before had saved me from want. The
war, then raging at its height, appeared to
offer numerous opportunities to men of talent.
The path which I chose was apparently a
humble one, but it enabled me to make very
practical use of my professional knowledge,
and afforded for a time rapid and secure
returns, without any other investment than a
little knowledge cautiously employed. In the
first place, I deposited my small remnant of
property in a safe bank. Then I went to
Providence, where, as I had heard, patriotic
persons were giving very large bounties in
order, I suppose, to insure the government
the services of better men than themselves.
On my arrival I lost no time in offering
myself as a substitute, and was readily accepted,
and very soon mustered into the Twentieth
Rhode Island. Three months were passed
in camp, during which period I received
bounty to the extent of six hundred and
fifty dollars, with which I tranquilly
deserted about two hours before the regiment
left for the field. With the product of my
industry I returned to Boston, and deposited
all but enough to carry me to New York,
where within a month I enlisted twice, earning
on each occasion four hundred dollars.
After this I thought it wise to try the same
game in some of the smaller towns near to
Philadelphia. I approached my birthplace
with a good deal of doubt; but I selected a
regiment in camp at Norristown, which is
eighteen miles away. Here I got nearly
seven hundred dollars by entering the service
as a substitute for an editor, whose pen,
I presume, was mightier than his sword. I
was, however, disagreeably surprised by being
hastily forwarded to the front under a foxy
young lieutenant, who brutally shot down a
poor devil in the streets of Baltimore for
attempting to desert. At this point I began
to make use of my medical skill, for I did
not in the least degree fancy being shot,
either because of deserting or of not deserting.
It happened, therefore, that a day or
two later, while in Washington, I was seized
in the street with a fit, which perfectly
imposed upon the officer in charge, and caused
him to leave me at the Douglas Hospital.
Here I found it necessary to perform fits
about twice a week, and as there were several
real epileptics in the ward, I had a
capital chance of studying their symptoms,
which, finally, I learned to imitate with the
utmost cleverness.
I soon got to know three or four men who,
like myself, were personallyaverse to bullets,
and who were simulating other forms of
disease with more or less success. One of
them suffered with rheumatism of the back,
and walked about like an old man; another,
who had been to the front, was palsied in the
right arm. A third kept open an ulcer on
the leg, rubbing in a little antimonial
ointment, which I bought at fifty cents, and sold
him at five dollars a box.
A change in the hospital staff brought all
of us to grief. The new surgeon was a quiet,
gentlemanly person, with pleasant blue eyes
and clearly cut features, and a way of looking
at you without saying much. I felt so
safe myself that I watched his procedures
with just that kind of enjoyment which one
clever man takes in seeing another at work.
The first inspection settled two of us.
``Another back case,'' said the assistant
surgeon to his senior.
``Back hurt you?'' says the latter, mildly.
``Yes, sir; run over by a howitzer; ain't
never been able to stand straight since.''
``A howitzer!'' says the surgeon. ``Lean
forward, my man, so as to touch the floor--
so. That will do.'' Then turning to his aid,
he said, ``Prepare this man's discharge
papers.''
``His discharge, sir?''
``Yes; I said that. Who's next?''
``Thank you, sir,'' groaned the man with
the back. ``How soon, sir, do you think it
will be?''
``Ah, not less than a month,'' replied the
surgeon, and passed on.
Now, as it was unpleasant to be bent like
the letter C, and as the patient presumed that
his discharge was secure, he naturally allowed
himself a little relaxation in the way of
becoming straighter. Unluckily, those nice
blue eyes were everywhere at all hours, and
one fine morning Smithson was appalled at
finding himself in a detachment bound for
the field, and bearing on his descriptive list
an ill-natured indorsement about his malady.
The surgeon came next on O'Callahan,
standing, like each of us, at the foot of his
own bed.
``I've paralytics in my arm,'' he said, with
intention to explain his failure to salute his
superior.
``Humph!'' said the surgeon; ``you have
another hand.''
- writing [´raitiŋ]
n.书写；写作；书法 (初中英语单词) - account [ə´kaunt] vi.说明 vt.认为 n.帐目 (初中英语单词)
- principal [´prinsəpəl] a.主要的 n.负责人 (初中英语单词)
- actually [´æktʃuəli] ad.事实上；实际上 (初中英语单词)
- suitable [´su:təbəl, ´sju:-] a.合适的，适当的 (初中英语单词)
- atmosphere [´ætməsfiə] n.大气；空气；气氛 (初中英语单词)
- knowing [´nəuiŋ] a.会意的，心照不宣的 (初中英语单词)
- steamer [´sti:mə] n.汽船；轮船；蒸笼 (初中英语单词)
- variety [və´raiəti] n.变化；多样(性)；种类 (初中英语单词)
- obvious [´ɔbviəs] a.明显的；显而易见的 (初中英语单词)
- investment [in´vestmənt] n.投资；(时间等)投入 (初中英语单词)
- vessel [´vesəl] n.容器；船；脉管 (初中英语单词)
- instantly [´instəntli] ad.立即，立刻 (初中英语单词)
- horror [´hɔrə] n.恐怖；战栗 (初中英语单词)
- medical [´medikəl] a.医学的；医疗的 (初中英语单词)
- height [hait] n.高度；顶点；卓越 (初中英语单词)
- professional [prə´feʃənəl] a.职业的 n.自由职业 (初中英语单词)
- arrival [ə´raivəl] n.到达；到达的人(物) (初中英语单词)
- substitute [´sʌbstitju:t] n.代理人 v.代替，取代 (初中英语单词)
- readily [´redili] ad.乐意地；容易地 (初中英语单词)
- extent [ik´stent] n.长度；程度；范围 (初中英语单词)
- lieutenant [lef´tenənt] n.陆军中尉；代理；副手 (初中英语单词)
- therefore [´ðeəfɔ:] ad.&conj.因此；所以 (初中英语单词)
- charge [tʃɑ:dʒ] v.收费；冲锋 n.费用 (初中英语单词)
- discharge [dis´tʃɑ:dʒ] vt.&n.卸货；释放；解雇 (初中英语单词)
- failure [´feiljə] n.失败；衰竭；破产 (初中英语单词)
- salute [sə´lu:t] n.&v.招呼；行礼；敬礼 (初中英语单词)
- insane [in´sein] a.患神经病的；疯狂的 (高中英语单词)
- finding [´faindiŋ] n.发现物；判断；结果 (高中英语单词)
- exhibition [eksi´biʃ(ə)n] n.展览；显示；表演 (高中英语单词)
- boyhood [´bɔihud] n.少年时代(期) (高中英语单词)
- unexpected [ʌniks´pektid] a.突然的；意外的 (高中英语单词)
- lodging [´lɔdʒiŋ] n.寄宿，住宿 (高中英语单词)
- behalf [bi´hɑ:f] n.利益 (高中英语单词)
- apparently [ə´pærəntli] ad.显然，表面上地 (高中英语单词)
- cautiously [´kɔ:ʃəsli] ad.小心地；谨慎地 (高中英语单词)
- remnant [´remnənt] n.残(剩)余 a.剩余的 (高中英语单词)
- insure [in´ʃuə] vt.给...保险 (高中英语单词)
- presume [pri´zju:m] v.假定；推测；以为 (高中英语单词)
- baltimore [´bɔ:ltimɔ:] n.巴尔的摩 (高中英语单词)
- learned [´lə:nid] a.有学问的，博学的 (高中英语单词)
- imitate [´imiteit] vt.模仿；伪造 (高中英语单词)
- personally [´pə:sənəli] ad.亲自；就个人来说 (高中英语单词)
- surgeon [´sə:dʒən] n.外科医生；军医 (高中英语单词)
- saying [´seiŋ, ´sei-iŋ] n.言语；言论；格言 (高中英语单词)
- enjoyment [in´dʒɔimənt] n.享受；愉快；乐趣 (高中英语单词)
- seeing [si:iŋ] see的现在分词 n.视觉 (高中英语单词)
- inspection [in´spekʃən] n.检查；视察；参观 (高中英语单词)
- unpleasant [ʌn´plezənt] a.不愉快的；不合意的 (高中英语单词)
- bearing [´beəriŋ] n.举止；忍耐；关系 (高中英语单词)
- idleness [´aidlnis] n.懒；闲着不干事 (英语四级单词)
- economical [,i:kə´nɔmikəl] a.节俭的；经济的 (英语四级单词)
- expend [ik´spend] vt.花费，耗费(金钱等) (英语四级单词)
- resolved [ri´zɔlvd] a.决心的；坚定的 (英语四级单词)
- vulgar [´vʌlgə] a.粗俗的；大众的 (英语四级单词)
- utilize [´ju:tilaiz] vt.利用；使有用 (英语四级单词)
- rheumatism [´ru:mətizəm] n.风湿病 (英语四级单词)
- detachment [di´tætʃmənt] n.分开(离)；分遣队 (英语四级单词)
- speculator [´spekjuleitə] n.思索者；投机者(商) (英语六级单词)
- asylum [ə´sailəm] n.避难所，收容所 (英语六级单词)
- abandoned [ə´bændənd] a.被抛弃的；无约束的 (英语六级单词)
- frantically [´fræntikəli] ad.狂暴地，疯狂地 (英语六级单词)
- averse [ə´və:s] a.反对的，不乐意的 (英语六级单词)
文章标签:名著
章节正文
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