there.
PARKER. Mrs. Cowper-Cowper. Lady Stutfield. Sir James Royston.
Mr. Guy Berkeley.
[These people enter as announced.]
DUMBY. Good evening, Lady Stutfield. I suppose this will be the
last ball of the season?
LADY STUTFIELD. I suppose so, Mr. Dumby. It's been a delightful
season, hasn't it?
DUMBY. Quite delightful! Good evening, Duchess. I suppose this
will be the last ball of the season?
DUCHESS OF BERWICK. I suppose so, Mr. Dumby. It has been a very
dull season, hasn't it?
DUMBY. Dreadfully dull! Dreadfully dull!
MR. COWPER-COWPER. Good evening, Mr. Dumby. I suppose this will
be the last ball of the season?
DUMBY. Oh, I think not. There'll probably be two more. [Wanders
back to LADY PLYMDALE.]
PARKER. Mr. Rufford. Lady Jedburgh and Miss Graham. Mr. Hopper.
[These people enter as announced.]
HOPPER. How do you do, Lady Windermere? How do you do, Duchess?
[Bows to LADY AGATHA.]
DUCHESS OF BERWICK. Dear Mr. Hopper, how nice of you to come so
early. We all know how you are run after in London.
HOPPER. Capital place, London! They are not nearly so exclusive
in London as they are in Sydney.
DUCHESS OF BERWICK. Ah! we know your value, Mr. Hopper. We wish
there were more like you. It would make life so much easier. Do
you know, Mr. Hopper, dear Agatha and I are so much interested in
Australia. It must be so pretty with all the dear little kangaroos
flying about. Agatha has found it on the map. What a curious
shape it is! Just like a large packing case. However, it is a
very young country, isn't it?
HOPPER. Wasn't it made at the same time as the others, Duchess?
DUCHESS OF BERWICK. How clever you are, Mr. Hopper. You have a
cleverness quite of your own. Now I mustn't keep you.
HOPPER. But I should like to dance with Lady Agatha, Duchess.
DUCHESS OF BERWICK. Well, I hope she has a dance left. Have you a
dance left, Agatha?
LADY AGATHA. Yes, mamma.
DUCHESS OF BERWICK. The next one?
LADY AGATHA. Yes, mamma.
HOPPER. May I have the pleasure? [LADY AGATHA bows.]
DUCHESS OF BERWICK. Mind you take great care of my little
chatterbox, Mr. Hopper.
[LADY AGATHA and MR. HOPPER pass into ball-room.]
[Enter LORD WINDERMERE.]
LORD WINDERMERE. Margaret, I want to speak to you.
LADY WINDERMERE. In a moment. [The music drops.]
PARKER. Lord Augustus Lorton.
[Enter LORD AUGUSTUS.]
LORD AUGUSTUS. Good evening, Lady Windermere.
DUCHESS OF BERWICK. Sir James, will you take me into the ball-
room? Augustus has been dining with us to-night. I really have
had quite enough of dear Augustus for the moment.
[SIR JAMES ROYSTON gives the DUCHESS his aim and escorts her into
the ball-room.]
PARKER. Mr. and Mrs. Arthur Bowden. Lord and Lady Paisley. Lord
Darlington.
[These people enter as announced.]
LORD AUGUSTUS. [Coming up to LORD WINDERMERE.] Want to speak to
you particularly, dear boy. I'm worn to a shadow. Know I don't
look it. None of us men do look what we really are. Demmed good
thing, too. What I want to know is this. Who is she? Where does
she come from? Why hasn't she got any demmed relations? Demmed
nuisance, relations! But they make one so demmed respectable.
LORD WINDERMERE. You are talking of Mrs. Erlynne, I suppose? I
only met her six months ago. Till then, I never knew of her
existence.
LORD AUGUSTUS. You have seen a good deal of her since then.
LORD WINDERMERE. [Coldly.] Yes, I have seen a good deal of her
since then. I have just seen her.
LORD AUGUSTUS. Egad! the women are very down on her. I have been
dining with Arabella this evening! By Jove! you should have heard
what she said about Mrs. Erlynne. She didn't leave a rag on her.
. . [Aside.] Berwick and I told her that didn't matter much, as
the lady in question must have an
extremely fine figure. You
should have seen Arabella's expression! . . . But, look here, dear
boy. I don't know what to do about Mrs. Erlynne. Egad! I might
be married to her; she treats me with such demmed indifference.
She's deuced clever, too! She explains everything. Egad! she
explains you. She has got any
amount of explanations for you - and
all of them different.
LORD WINDERMERE. No explanations are necessary about my friendship
with Mrs. Erlynne.
LORD AUGUSTUS. Hem! Well, look here, dear old fellow. Do you
think she will ever get into this demmed thing called Society?
Would you introduce her to your wife? No use
beating about the
confounded bush. Would you do that?
LORD WINDERMERE. Mrs. Erlynne is coming here to-night.
LORD AUGUSTUS. Your wife has sent her a card?
LORD WINDERMERE. Mrs. Erlynne has received a card.
LORD AUGUSTUS. Then she's all right, dear boy. But why didn't you
tell me that before? It would have saved me a heap of worry and
demmed misunderstandings!
[LADY AGATHA and MR. HOPPER cross and exit on
terrace L.U.E.]
PARKER. Mr. Cecil Graham!
[Enter MR. CECIL GRAHAM.]
CECIL GRAHAM. [Bows to LADY WINDERMERE, passes over and shakes
hands with LORD WINDERMERE.] Good evening, Arthur. Why don't you
ask me how I am? I like people to ask me how I am. It shows a
wide-spread interest in my health. Now, to-night I am not at all
well. Been dining with my people. Wonder why it is one's people
are always so
tedious? My father would talk
morality after dinner.
I told him he was old enough to know better. But my experience is
that as soon as people are old enough to know better, they don't
know anything at all. Hallo, Tuppy! Hear you're going to be
married again; thought you were tired of that game.
LORD AUGUSTUS. You're excessively
trivial, my dear boy,
excessively
trivial!
CECIL GRAHAM. By the way, Tuppy, which is it? Have you been twice
married and once divorced, or twice divorced and once married? I
say you've been twice divorced and once married. It seems so much
more probable.
LORD AUGUSTUS. I have a very bad memory. I really don't remember
which. [Moves away R.]
LADY PLYMDALE. Lord Windermere, I've something most particular to
ask you.
LORD WINDERMERE. I am afraid - if you will excuse me - I must join
my wife.
LADY PLYMDALE. Oh, you mustn't dream of such a thing. It's most
dangerous nowadays for a husband to pay any attention to his wife
in public. It always makes people think that he beats her when
they're alone. The world has grown so
suspicious of anything that
looks like a happy married life. But I'll tell you what it is at
supper. [Moves towards door of ball-room.]
LORD WINDERMERE. [C.] Margaret! I MUST speak to you.
LADY WINDERMERE. Will you hold my fan for me, Lord Darlington?
Thanks. [Comes down to him.]
LORD WINDERMERE. [Crossing to her.] Margaret, what you said
before dinner was, of course, impossible?
LADY WINDERMERE. That woman is not coming here to-night!
LORD WINDERMERE. [R.C.] Mrs. Erlynne is coming here, and if you
in any way annoy or wound her, you will bring shame and sorrow on
us both. Remember that! Ah, Margaret! only trust me! A wife
should trust her husband!
LADY WINDERMERE. [C.] London is full of women who trust their
husbands. One can always recognise them. They look so thoroughly
unhappy. I am not going to be one of them. [Moves up.] Lord
Darlington, will you give me back my fan, please? Thanks. . . . A
useful thing a fan, isn't it? . . . I want a friend to-night, Lord
Darlington: I didn't know I would want one so soon.
LORD DARLINGTON. Lady Windermere! I knew the time would come some
day; but why to-night?
LORD WINDERMERE. I WILL tell her. I must. It would be terrible
if there were any scene. Margaret . . .
PARKER. Mrs. Erlynne!
[LORD WINDERMERE starts. MRS. ERLYNNE enters, very beautifully
dressed and very
dignified. LADY WINDERMERE clutches at her fan,
then lets it drop on the door. She bows
coldly to MRS. ERLYNNE,
who bows to her
sweetly in turn, and sails into the room.]
LORD DARLINGTON. You have dropped your fan, Lady Windermere.
[Picks it up and hands it to her.]
MRS. ERLYNNE. [C.] How do you do, again, Lord Windermere? How
charming your sweet wife looks! Quite a picture!
LORD WINDERMERE. [In a low voice.] It was
terribly rash of you to
come!
MRS. ERLYNNE. [Smiling.] The wisest thing I ever did in my life.
And, by the way, you must pay me a good deal of attention this
evening. I am afraid of the women. You must introduce me to some
of them. The men I can always manage. How do you do, Lord
Augustus? You have quite neglected me
lately. I have not seen you
since
yesterday. I am afraid you're
faithless. Every one told me
so.
LORD AUGUSTUS. [R.] Now really, Mrs. Erlynne, allow me to
explain.
MRS. ERLYNNE. [R.C.] No, dear Lord Augustus, you can't explain
anything. It is your chief charm.
LORD AUGUSTUS. Ah! if you find charms in me, Mrs. Erlynne -
[They
converse together. LORD WINDERMERE moves
uneasily about the
room watching MRS. ERLYNNE.]
LORD DARLINGTON. [To LADY WINDERMERE.] How pale you are!
LADY WINDERMERE. Cowards are always pale!
LORD DARLINGTON. You look faint. Come out on the
terrace.
LADY WINDERMERE. Yes. [To PARKER.] Parker, send my cloak out.
MRS. ERLYNNE. [Crossing to her.] Lady Windermere, how beautifully
your
terrace is illuminated. Reminds me of Prince Doria's at Rome.
[LADY WINDERMERE bows
coldly, and goes off with LORD DARLINGTON.]
Oh, how do you do, Mr. Graham? Isn't that your aunt, Lady
Jedburgh? I should so much like to know her.
CECIL GRAHAM. [After a moment's
hesitation and embarrassment.]
Oh, certainly, if you wish it. Aunt Caroline, allow me to
introduce Mrs. Erlynne.
MRS. ERLYNNE. So pleased to meet you, Lady Jedburgh. [Sits beside
her on the sofa.] Your
nephew and I are great friends. I am so
much interested in his political
career. I think he's sure to be a
wonderful success. He thinks like a Tory, and talks like a
Radical, and that's so important nowadays. He's such a brilliant
talker, too. But we all know from whom he inherits that. Lord
Allandale was
saying to me only
yesterday, in the Park, that Mr.
Graham talks almost as well as his aunt.
LADY JEDBURGH. [R.] Most kind of you to say these
charming things
to me! [MRS. ERLYNNE smiles, and continues conversation.]
DUMBY. [To CECIL GRAHAM.] Did you introduce Mrs. Erlynne to Lady
Jedburgh?
CECIL GRAHAM. Had to, my dear fellow. Couldn't help it! That
woman can make one do anything she wants. How, I don't know.
DUMBY. Hope to
goodness she won't speak to me! [Saunters towards
LADY PLYMDALE.]
MRS. ERLYNNE. [C. To LADY JEDBURGH.] On Thursday? With great
pleasure. [Rises, and speaks to LORD WINDERMERE, laughing.] What
a bore it is to have to be civil to these old dowagers! But they