DUMBY. It is an
awfully dangerous thing. They always end by
marrying one.
CECIL GRAHAM. But I thought, Tuppy, you were never going to see
her again! Yes! you told me so
yesterday evening at the club. You
said you'd heard -
[Whispering to him.]
LORD AUGUSTUS. Oh, she's explained that.
CECIL GRAHAM. And the Wiesbaden affair?
LORD AUGUSTUS. She's explained that too.
DUMBY. And her
income, Tuppy? Has she explained that?
LORD AUGUSTUS. [In a very serious voice.] She's going to explain
that to-morrow.
[CECIL GRAHAM goes back to C. table.]
DUMBY. Awfully
commercial, women nowadays. Our grandmothers threw
their caps over the mills, of course, but, by Jove, their
granddaughters only throw their caps over mills that can raise the
wind for them.
LORD AUGUSTUS. You want to make her out a
wicked woman. She is
not!
CECIL GRAHAM. Oh! Wicked women
bother one. Good women bore one.
That is the only difference between them.
LORD AUGUSTUS. [Puffing a cigar.] Mrs. Erlynne has a future
before her.
DUMBY. Mrs. Erlynne has a past before her.
LORD AUGUSTUS. I prefer women with a past. They're always so
demmed
amusing to talk to.
CECIL GRAHAM. Well, you'll have lots of topics of conversation
with HER, Tuppy. [Rising and going to him.]
LORD AUGUSTUS. You're getting
annoying, dear-boy; you're getting
demmed
annoying.
CECIL GRAHAM. [Puts his hands on his shoulders.] Now, Tuppy,
you've lost your figure and you've lost your
character. Don't lose
your
temper; you have only got one.
LORD AUGUSTUS. My dear boy, if I wasn't the most
good-natured man
in London -
CECIL GRAHAM. We'd treat you with more respect, wouldn't we,
Tuppy? [Strolls away.]
DUMBY. The youth of the present day are quite
monstrous. They
have
absolutely no respect for dyed hair. [LORD AUGUSTUS looks
round angrily.]
CECIL GRAHAM. Mrs. Erlynne has a very great respect for dear
Tuppy.
DUMBY. Then Mrs. Erlynne sets an
admirable example to the rest of
her sex. It is
perfectlybrutal the way most women nowadays behave
to men who are not their husbands.
LORD WINDERMERE. Dumby, you are
ridiculous, and Cecil, you let
your tongue run away with you. You must leave Mrs. Erlynne alone.
You don't really know anything about her, and you're always talking
scandal against her.
CECIL GRAHAM. [Coming towards him L.C.] My dear Arthur, I never
talk
scandal. I only talk
gossip.
LORD WINDERMERE. What is the difference between
scandal and
gossip?
CECIL GRAHAM. Oh!
gossip is charming! History is merely
gossip.
But
scandal is
gossip made
tedious by
morality. Now, I never
moralise. A man who moralises is usually a
hypocrite, and a woman
who moralises is
invariably plain. There is nothing in the whole
world so unbecoming to a woman as a Nonconformist
conscience. And
most women know it, I'm glad to say.
LORD AUGUSTUS. Just my sentiments, dear boy, just my sentiments.
CECIL GRAHAM. Sorry to hear it, Tuppy;
whenever people agree with
me, I always feel I must be wrong.
LORD AUGUSTUS. My dear boy, when I was your age -
CECIL GRAHAM. But you never were, Tuppy, and you never will be.
[Goes up C.] I say, Darlington, let us have some cards. You'll
play, Arthur, won't you?
LORD WINDERMERE. No, thanks, Cecil.
DUMBY. [With a sigh.] Good heavens! how marriage ruins a man!
It's as demoralising as cigarettes, and far more expensive.
CECIL GRAHAM. You'll play, of course, Tuppy?
LORD AUGUSTUS. [Pouring himself out a
brandy and soda at table.]
Can't, dear boy. Promised Mrs. Erlynne never to play or drink
again.
CECIL GRAHAM. Now, my dear Tuppy, don't be led
astray into the
paths of
virtue. Reformed, you would be
perfectlytedious. That
is the worst of women. They always want one to be good. And if we
are good, when they meet us, they don't love us at all. They like
to find us quite irretrievably bad, and to leave us quite
unattractively good.
LORD DARLINGTON. [Rising from R. table, where he has been writing
letters.] They always do find us bad!
DUMBY. I don't think we are bad. I think we are all good, except
Tuppy.
LORD DARLINGTON. No, we are all in the
gutter, but some of us are
looking at the stars. [Sits down at C. table.]
DUMBY. We are all in the
gutter, but some of us are looking at the
stars? Upon my word, you are very
romantic to-night, Darlington.
CECIL GRAHAM. Too
romantic! You must be in love. Who is the
girl?
LORD DARLINGTON. The woman I love is not free, or thinks she
isn't. [Glances
instinctively at LORD WINDERMERE while he speaks.]
CECIL GRAHAM. A married woman, then! Well, there's nothing in the
world like the
devotion of a married woman. It's a thing no
married man knows anything about.
LORD DARLINGTON. Oh! she doesn't love me. She is a good woman.
She is the only good woman I have ever met in my life.
CECIL GRAHAM. The only good woman you have ever met in your life?
LORD DARLINGTON. Yes!
CECIL GRAHAM. [Lighting a cigarette.] Well, you are a lucky
fellow! Why, I have met hundreds of good women. I never seem to
meet any but good women. The world is
perfectly packed with good
women. To know them is a
middle-class education.
LORD DARLINGTON. This woman has
purity and
innocence. She has
everything we men have lost.
CECIL GRAHAM. My dear fellow, what on earth should we men do going
about with
purity and
innocence? A carefully thought-out
buttonhole is much more effective.
DUMBY. She doesn't really love you then?
LORD DARLINGTON. No, she does not!
DUMBY. I
congratulate you, my dear fellow. In this world there
are only two tragedies. One is not getting what one wants, and the
other is getting it. The last is much the worst; the last is a
real tragedy! But I am interested to hear she does not love you.
How long could you love a woman who didn't love you, Cecil?
CECIL GRAHAM. A woman who didn't love me? Oh, all my life!
DUMBY. So could I. But it's so difficult to meet one.
LORD DARLINGTON. How can you be so
conceited" target="_blank" title="a.自负的;自夸的">
conceited, DUMBY?
DUMBY. I didn't say it as a matter of
conceit. I said it as a
matter of regret. I have been wildly, madly adored. I am sorry I
have. It has been an
immensenuisance. I should like to be
allowed a little time to myself now and then.
LORD AUGUSTUS. [Looking round.] Time to
educate yourself, I
suppose.
DUMBY. No, time to forget all I have
learned. That is much more
important, dear Tuppy. [LORD AUGUSTUS moves
uneasily in his
chair.]
LORD DARLINGTON. What cynics you fellows are!
CECIL GRAHAM. What is a cynic? [Sitting on the back of the sofa.]
LORD DARLINGTON. A man who knows the price of everything and the
value of nothing.
CECIL GRAHAM. And a sentimentalist, my dear Darlington, is a man
who sees an
absurd value in everything, and doesn't know the market
price of any single thing.
LORD DARLINGTON. You always amuse me, Cecil. You talk as if you
were a man of experience.
CECIL GRAHAM. I am. [Moves up to front off fireplace.]
LORD DARLINGTON. You are far too young!
CECIL GRAHAM. That is a great error. Experience is a question of
instinct about life. I have got it. Tuppy hasn't. Experience is
the name Tuppy gives to his mistakes. That is all. [LORD AUGUSTUS
looks round indignantly.]
DUMBY. Experience is the name every one gives to their mistakes.
CECIL GRAHAM. [Standing with his back to the fireplace.] One
shouldn't
commit any. [Sees LADY WINDERMERE'S fan on sofa.]
DUMBY. Life would be very dull without them.
CECIL GRAHAM. Of course you are quite
faithful to this woman you
are in love with, Darlington, to this good woman?
LORD DARLINGTON. Cecil, if on really loves a woman, all other
women in the world become
absolutely meaningless to one. Love
changes one - I am changed.
CECIL GRAHAM. Dear me! How very interesting! Tuppy, I want to
talk to you. [LORD AUGUSTUS takes no notice.]
DUMBY. It's no use talking to Tuppy. You might just as well talk
to a brick wall.
CECIL GRAHAM. But I like talking to a brick wall - it's the only
thing in the world that never contradicts me! Tuppy!
LORD AUGUSTUS. Well, what is it? What is it? [Rising and going
over to CECIL GRAHAM.]
CECIL GRAHAM. Come over here. I want you particularly. [Aside.]
Darlington has been moralising and talking about the
purity of
love, and that sort of thing, and he has got some woman in his
rooms all the time.
LORD AUGUSTUS. No, really! really!
CECIL GRAHAM. [In a low voice.] Yes, here is her fan. [Points to
the fan.]
LORD AUGUSTUS. [Chuckling.] By Jove! By Jove!
LORD WINDERMERE. [Up by door.] I am really off now, Lord
Darlington. I am sorry you are leaving England so soon. Pray call
on us when you come back! My wife and I will be charmed to see
you!
LORD DARLINGTON. [Up sage with LORD WINDERMERE.] I am afraid I
shall be away for many years. Good-night!
CECIL GRAHAM. Arthur!
LORD WINDERMERE. What?
CECIL GRAHAM. I want to speak to you for a moment. No, do come!
LORD WINDERMERE. [Putting on his coat.] I can't - I'm off!
CECIL GRAHAM. It is something very particular. It will interest
you enormously.
LORD WINDERMERE. [Smiling.] It is some of your
nonsense, Cecil.
CECIL GRAHAM. It isn't! It isn't really.
LORD AUGUSTUS. [Going to him.] My dear fellow, you mustn't go
yet. I have a lot to talk to you about. And Cecil has something
to show you.
LORD WINDERMERE. [Walking over.] Well, what is it?
CECIL GRAHAM. Darlington has got a woman here in his rooms. Here
is her fan. Amusing, isn't it? [A pause.]
LORD WINDERMERE. Good God! [Seizes the fan - DUMBY rises.]
CECIL GRAHAM. What is the matter?
LORD WINDERMERE. Lord Darlington!
LORD DARLINGTON. [Turning round.] Yes!
LORD WINDERMERE. What is my wife's fan doing here in your rooms?
Hands off, Cecil. Don't touch me.
LORD DARLINGTON. Your wife's fan?
LORD WINDERMERE. Yes, here it is!
LORD DARLINGTON. [Walking towards him.] I don't know!
LORD WINDERMERE. You must know. I demand an
explanation. Don't
hold me, you fool. [To CECIL GRAHAM.]
LORD DARLINGTON. [Aside.] She is here after all!
LORD WINDERMERE. Speak, sir! Why is my wife's fan here? Answer
me! By God! I'll search your rooms, and if my wife's here, I'll -
[Moves.]