writing these lines in the very cell in Murderers' Row that Jake
Oppenheimer occupied ere they took him out and did to him what they
are going to do to me.
I warned you I had many things to write about. I shall now return
to my
narrative. The Board of Prison Directors gave me my choice:
a prison
trustyship and surcease from the jute-looms if I gave up
the non-existent
dynamite; life
imprisonment in
solitary if I
refused to give up the non-existent
dynamite.
They gave me twenty-four hours in the
jacket to think it over. Then
I was brought before the Board a second time. What could I do? I
could not lead them to the
dynamite that was not. I told them so,
and they told me I was a liar. They told me I was a hard case, a
dangerous man, a moral
degenerate, the
criminal of the century.
They told me many other things, and then they carried me away to the
solitary cells. I was put into Number One cell. In Number Five lay
Ed Morrell. In Number Twelve lay Jake Oppenheimer. And he had been
there for ten years. Ed Morrell had been in his cell only one year.
He was serving a fifty-years'
sentence. Jake Oppenheimer was a
lifer. And so was I a lifer. Wherefore the
outlook was that the
three of us would remain there for a long time. And yet, six years
only are past, and not one of us is in
solitary. Jake Oppenheimer
was swung off. Ed Morrell was made head
trusty of San Quentin and
then pardoned out only the other day. And here I am in Folsom
waiting the day duly set by Judge Morgan, which will be my last day.
The fools! As if they could throttle my
immortality with their
clumsy
device of rope and scaffold! I shall walk, and walk again,
oh,
countless times, this fair earth. And I shall walk in the
flesh, be
prince and
peasant, savant and fool, sit in the high place
and groan under the wheel.
CHAPTER V
It was very
lonely, at first, in
solitary, and the hours were long.
Time was marked by the regular changing of the guards, and by the
alternation of day and night. Day was only a little light, but it
was better than the all-dark of the night. In
solitary the day was
an ooze, a slimy seepage of light from the bright outer world.
Never was the light strong enough to read by. Besides, there was
nothing to read. One could only lie and think and think. And I was
a lifer, and it seemed certain, if I did not do a
miracle, make
thirty-five pounds of
dynamite out of nothing, that all the years of
my life would be spent in the silent dark.
My bed was a thin and
rotten tick of straw spread on the cell floor.
One thin and
filthy blanket constituted the covering. There was no
chair, no table--nothing but the tick of straw and the thin, aged
blanket. I was ever a short
sleeper and ever a busy-brained man.
In
solitary one grows sick of oneself in his thoughts, and the only
way to escape oneself is to sleep. For years I had averaged five
hours' sleep a night. I now
cultivated sleep. I made a science of
it. I became able to sleep ten hours, then twelve hours, and, at
last, as high as fourteen and fifteen hours out of the twenty-four.
But beyond that I could not go, and, perforce, was compelled to lie
awake and think and think. And that way, for an active-brained man,
lay
madness.
I sought
devices to
enable me
mechanically to abide my waking hours.
I squared and cubed long
series of numbers, and by
concentration and
will carried on most
astonishing geometric progressions. I even
dallied with the squaring of the
circle . . . until I found myself
beginning to believe that that
possibility could be accomplished.
Whereupon, realizing that there, too, lay
madness, I forwent the
squaring of the
circle, although I assure you it required a
considerable sacrifice on my part, for the
mental exercise involved
was a splendid time-killer.
By sheer visualization under my eyelids I constructed chess-boards
and played both sides of long games through to checkmate. But when
I had become
expert at this visualized game of memory the exercise
palled on me. Exercise it was, for there could be no real contest
when the same
player played both sides. I tried, and tried vainly,
to split my
personality into two personalities and to pit one
against the other. But ever I remained the one
player, with no
planned ruse or
strategy on one side that the other side did not
immediately apprehend.
And time was very heavy and very long. I played games with flies,
with ordinary houseflies that oozed into
solitary as did the dim
gray light; and
learned that they possessed a sense of play. For
instance, lying on the cell floor, I established an
arbitrary and
imaginary line along the wall some three feet above the floor. When
they rested on the wall above this line they were left in peace.
The
instant they lighted on the wall below the line I tried to catch
them. I was careful never to hurt them, and, in time, they knew as
precisely as did I where ran the
imaginary line. When they desired
to play, they lighted below the line, and often for an hour at a
time a single fly would engage in the sport. When it grew tired, it
would come to rest on the safe territory above.
Of the dozen or more flies that lived with me, there was only one
who did not care for the game. He refused steadfastly to play, and,
having
learned the
penalty of alighting below the line, very
carefully avoided the unsafe territory. That fly was a sullen,
disgruntled creature. As the convicts would say, it had a "grouch"
against the world. He never played with the other flies either. He
was strong and
healthy, too; for I
studied him long to find out.
His indisposition for play was tempera
mental, not physical.
Believe me, I knew all my flies. It was
surprising to me the
multitude of differences I
distinguished between them. Oh, each was
distinctly an individual--not merely in size and markings, strength,
and speed of
flight, and in the manner and fancy of
flight and play,
of dodge and dart, of wheel and
swiftly repeat or wheel and reverse,
of touch and go on the danger wall, or of feint the touch and alight
elsewhere within the zone. They were
likewise sharply
differentiated in the minutest shades of
mentality and temperament.
I knew the
nervous ones, the phlegmatic ones. There was a little
undersized one that would fly into real rages, sometimes with me,
sometimes with its fellows. Have you ever seen a colt or a calf
throw up its heels and dash madly about the
pasture from sheer
excess of
vitality and spirits? Well, there was one fly--the
keenest
player of them all, by the way--who, when it had alighted
three or four times in rapid
succession on my taboo wall and
succeeded each time in eluding the velvet-careful swoop of my hand,
would grow so excited and jubilant that it would dart around and
around my head at top speed, wheeling, veering, reversing, and
always keeping within the limits of the narrow
circle in which it
celebrated its
triumph over me.
Why, I could tell well in advance when any particular fly was making
up its mind to begin to play. There are a thousand details in this
one matter alone that I shall not bore you with, although these
details did serve to keep me from being bored too utterly during
that first period in
solitary. But one thing I must tell you. To
me it is most memorable--the time when the one with a grouch, who
never played, alighted in a moment of absent-mindedness within the
taboo
precinct and was immediately captured in my hand. Do you
know, he sulked for an hour afterward.
And the hours were very long in
solitary; nor could I sleep them all
away; nor could I while them away with house-flies, no matter how
intelligent. For house-flies are house-flies, and I was a man, with
a man's brain; and my brain was trained and active, stuffed with
culture and science, and always geared to a high
tension of
eagerness to do. And there was nothing to do, and my thoughts ran
abominably on in vain speculations. There was my pentose and
methyl-pentose
determination in grapes and wines to which I had