Long I pursued my
starry quest. When I say "long," you must bear in
mind the
enormousextension of time that had occurred in my brain.
For centuries I trod space, with the tip of my wand and with
unerring eye and hand tapping each star I passed. Ever the way grew
brighter. Ever the ineffable goal of
infinitewisdom grew nearer.
And yet I made no mistake. This was no other self of mine. This
was no experience that had once been mine. I was aware all the time
that it was I, Darrell Standing, who walked among the stars and
tapped them with a wand of glass. In short, I knew that here was
nothing real, nothing that had ever been nor could ever be. I knew
that it was nothing else than a
ridiculous orgy of the imagination,
such as men enjoy in drug dreams, in delirium, or in mere ordinary
slumber.
And then, as all went merry and well with me on my
celestial quest,
the tip of my wand missed a star, and on the
instant I knew I had
been
guilty of a great crime. And on the
instant a knock, vast and
compulsive, inexorable and mandatory as the stamp of the iron hoof
of doom, smote me and reverberated across the
universe. The whole
sidereal
system coruscated, reeled and fell in flame.
I was torn by an
exquisite and disruptive agony. And on the
instantI was Darrell Standing, the life-convict, lying in his strait-
jacketin
solitary. And I knew the immediate cause of that summons. It
was a rap of the
knuckle by Ed Morrell, in Cell Five,
beginning the
spelling of some message.
And now, to give some
comprehension of the
extension of time and
space that I was experiencing. Many days afterwards I asked Morrell
what he had tried to
convey to me. It was a simple message, namely:
"Standing, are you there?" He had tapped it rapidly, while the
guard was at the far end of the
corridor into which the
solitarycells opened. As I say, he had tapped the message very rapidly.
And now behold! Between the first tap and the second I was off and
away among the stars, clad in
fleecy garments,
touching each star as
I passed in my
pursuit of the formulae that would explain the last
mystery of life. And, as before, I pursued the quest for centuries.
Then came the summons, the stamp of the hoof of doom, the
exquisitedisruptive agony, and again I was back in my cell in San Quentin.
It was the second tap of Ed Morrell's
knuckle. The
interval between
it and the first tap could have been no more than a fifth of a
second. And yet, so unthinkably
enormous was the
extension of time
to me, that in the course of that fifth of a second I had been away
star-roving for long ages.
Now I know, my reader, that the
foregoing seems all a farrago. I
agree with you. It is farrago. It was experience, however. It was
just as real to me as is the snake
beheld by a man in delirium
tremens.
Possibly, by the most
liberalestimate, it may have taken Ed Morrell
two minutes to tap his question. Yet, to me, aeons elapsed between
the first tap of his
knuckle and the last. No longer could I tread
my
starry path with that ineffable pristine joy, for my way was
beset with dread of the
inevitable summons that would rip and tear
me as it jerked me back to my strait
jacket hell. Thus my aeons of
star-wandering were aeons of dread.
And all the time I knew it was Ed Morrell's
knuckle that thus
cruelly held me earth-bound. I tried to speak to him, to ask him to
cease. But so
thoroughly had I eliminated my body from my
consciousness that I was
unable to resurrect it. My body lay dead
in the
jacket, though I still inhabited the skull. In vain I strove
to will my foot to tap my message to Morrell. I reasoned I had a
foot. And yet, so
thoroughly had I carried out the experiment, I
had no foot.
Next--and I know now that it was because Morrell had spelled his
message quite out--I pursued my way among the stars and was not
called back. After that, and in the course of it, I was aware,
drowsily, that I was falling asleep, and that it was delicious
sleep. From time to time, drowsily, I stirred--please, my reader,
don't miss that verb--I STIRRED. I moved my legs, my arms. I was
aware of clean, soft bed linen against my skin. I was aware of
bodily
well-being. Oh, it was delicious! As thirsting men on the
desert dream of splashing fountains and flowing wells, so dreamed I
of easement from the constriction of the
jacket, of
cleanliness in
the place of filth, of smooth velvety skin of health in place of my
poor parchment-crinkled hide. But I dreamed with a difference, as
you shall see.
I awoke. Oh, broad and wide awake I was, although I did not open my
eyes. And please know that in all that follows I knew no surprise
whatever. Everything was the natural and the expected. I was I, be
sure of that. BUT I WAS NOT DARRELL STANDING. Darrell Standing had
no more to do with the being I was than did Darrell Standing's
parchment-crinkled skin have aught to do with the cool, soft skin
that was mine. Nor was I aware of any Darrell Standing--as I could
not well be,
considering that Darrell Standing was as yet
unborn and
would not be born for centuries. But you shall see.
I lay with closed eyes,
lazily listening. From without came the
clacking of many hoofs moving
orderly on stone flags. From the
accompanying
jingle of metal bits of man-harness and steed-harness I
knew some cavalcade was passing by on the street beneath my windows.
Also, I wondered idly who it was. From somewhere--and I knew where,
for I knew it was from the inn yard--came the ring and stamp of
hoofs and an
impatient neigh that I recognized as belonging to my
waiting horse.
Came steps and movements--steps
openly advertised as suppressed with
the
intent of silence and that yet were
deliberately noisy with the
secret
intent of rousing me if I still slept. I smiled
inwardly at
the rascal's trick.
"Pons," I ordered, without
opening my eyes, "water, cold water,
quick, a
deluge. I drank over long last night, and now my gullet
scorches."
"And slept over long to-day," he scolded, as he passed me the water,
ready in his hand.
I sat up, opened my eyes, and carried the tankard to my lips with
both my hands. And as I drank I looked at Pons.
Now note two things. I spoke in French; I was not
conscious that I
spoke in French. Not until afterward, back in
solitary, when I
remembered what I am narrating, did I know that I had
spoken in
French--ay, and
spoken well. As for me, Darrell Standing, at
present
writing these lines in Murderers' Row of Folsom Prison, why,
I know only high school French sufficient to
enable me to read the
language. As for my
speaking it--impossible. I can scarcely
intelligibly pronounce my way through a menu.
But to return. Pons was a little withered old man. He was born in
our house--I know, for it chanced that mention was made of it this
very day I am describing. Pons was all of sixty years. He was
mostly toothless, and,
despite a
pronounced limp that compelled him
to go slippity-hop, he was very alert and spry in all his movements.
Also, he was impudently familiar. This was because he had been in
my house sixty years. He had been my father's servant before I
could toddle, and after my father's death (Pons and I talked of it
this day) he became my servant. The limp he had acquired on a
stricken field in Italy, when the horsemen charged across. He had
just dragged my father clear of the hoofs when he was lanced through
the thigh,
overthrown, and trampled. My father,
conscious but
helpless from his own wounds, witnessed it all. And so, as I say,
Pons had earned such a right to impudent
familiarity that at least
there was no gainsaying him by my father's son.
Pons shook his head as I drained the huge draught.
"Did you hear it boil?" I laughed, as I handed back the empty
tankard.
"Like your father," he said
hopelessly. "But your father lived to
learn better, which I doubt you will do."