hands nor in God's, but was subject to something else. All he
could do then was to obey the starets, to
restrain himself, to
undertake nothing, and simply to wait. In general all this time
he lived not by his own will but by that of the starets, and in
this
obedience he found a special tranquillity.
So he lived in his first
monastery for seven years. At the end
of the third year he received the tonsure and was ordained to the
priesthood by the name of Sergius. The
profession was an
important event in his inner life. He had
previously experienced
a great
consolation and
spiritual exaltation when receiving
communion, and now when he himself officiated, the
performance of
the
preparation filled him with ecstatic and deep
emotion. But
subsequently that feeling became more and more deadened, and once
when he was officiating in a
depressed state of mind he felt that
the influence produced on him by the service would not endure.
And it did in fact
weaken till only the habit remained.
In general in the seventh year of his life in the
monasterySergius grew weary. He had
learnt all there was to learn and had
attained all there was to
attain, there was nothing more to do
and his
spiritual drowsiness increased. During this time he
heard of his mother's death and his sister Varvara's marriage,
but both events were matters of
indifference to him. His whole
attention and his whole interest were concentrated on his inner
life.
In the fourth year of his priesthood, during which the Bishop had
been particularly kind to him, the starets told him that he ought
not to decline it if he were offered an appointment to higher
duties. Then monastic
ambition, the very thing he had found so
repulsive in other monks, arose within him. He was assigned to a
monastery near the
metropolis. He wished to refuse but the
starets ordered him to accept the appointment. He did so, and
took leave of the starets and moved to the other
monastery.
The exchange into the
metropolitanmonastery was an important
event in Sergius's life. There he encountered many
temptations,
and his whole will-power was concentrated on meeting them.
In the first
monastery, women had not been a
temptation to him,
but here that
temptation arose with terrible strength and even
took
definite shape. There was a lady known for her frivolous
behaviour who began to seek his favour. She talked to him and
asked him to visit her. Sergius
sternly declined, but was
horrified by the
definiteness of his desire. He was so alarmed
that he wrote about it to the starets. And in
addition, to keep
himself in hand, he spoke to a young
novice and, conquering his
sense of shame, confessed his
weakness to him, asking him to keep
watch on him and not let him go
anywhere except to service and to
fulfil his duties.
Besides this, a great pitfall for Sergius lay in the fact of his
extreme antipathy to his new Abbot, a
cunningworldly man who was
making a
career for himself in the Church. Struggle with himself
as he might, he could not master that feeling. He was submissive
to the Abbot, but in the depths of his soul he never ceased to
condemn him. And in the second year of his
residence at the new
monastery that ill-feeling broke out.
The Vigil service was being performed in the large church on the
eve of the feast of the Intercession of the Blessed Virgin, and
there were many visitors. The Abbot himself was conducting the
service. Father Sergius was
standing in his usual place and
praying: that is, he was in that condition of struggle which
always occupied him during the service, e
specially in the large
church when he was not himself conducting the service. This
conflict was occasioned by his
irritation at the presence of fine
folk, e
specially ladies. He tried not to see them or to notice
all that went on: how a soldier conducted them, pushing the
common people aside, how the ladies
pointed out the monks to one
another--e
specially himself and a monk noted for his good looks.
He tried as it were to keep his mind in blinkers, to see nothing
but the light of the candles on the altar-screen, the icons, and
those conducting the service. He tried to hear nothing but the
prayers that were being chanted or read, to feel nothing but