had not reached him.
It was a Saturday, and Praskovya Mikhaylovna was herself mixing
dough for
currant bread such as the serf-cook on her father's
estate used to make so well. She wished to give her
grandchildren a treat on the Sunday.
Masha, her daughter, was nursing her youngest child, the eldest
boy and girl were at school, and her son-in-law was asleep, not
having slept during the night. Praskovya Mikhaylovna had
remained awake too for a great part of the night,
trying to
soften her daughter's anger against her husband.
She saw that it was impossible for her son-in-law, a weak
creature, to be other than he was, and realized that his wife's
reproaches could do no good--so she used all her efforts to
soften those reproaches and to avoid recrimination and anger.
Unkindly relations between people caused her
actual physical
suffering. It was so clear to her that bitter feelings do not
make anything better, but only make everything worse. She did
not in fact think about this: she simply suffered at the sight of
anger as she would from a bad smell, a harsh noise, or from blows
on her body.
She had--with a feeling of self-satisfaction--just taught Lukerya
how to mix the dough, when her six-year-old
grandson Misha,
wearing an apron and with darned stockings on his
crooked little
legs, ran into the kitchen with a frightened face.
'Grandma, a
dreadful old man wants to see you.'
Lukerya looked out at the door.
'There is a
pilgrim of some kind, a man . . .'
Praskovya Mikhaylovna rubbed her thin elbows against one another,
wiped her hands on her apron and went
upstairs to get a
five-kopek piece [about a penny] out of her purse for him, but
remembering that she had nothing less than a ten-kopek piece she
decided to give him some bread instead. She returned to the
cupboard, but suddenly blushed at the thought of having grudged
the ten-kopek piece, and telling Lukerya to cut a slice of bread,
went
upstairs again to fetch it. 'It serves you right,' she said
to herself. 'You must now give twice over.'
She gave both the bread and the money to the
pilgrim, and when
doing so--far from being proud of her generosity--she excused
herself for giving so little. The man had such an imposing
appearance.
Though he had tramped two hundred versts as a
beggar, though he
was
tattered and had grown thin and weatherbeaten, though he had
cropped his long hair and was wearing a peasant's cap and boots,
and though he bowed very
humbly, Sergius still had the impressive
appearance that made him so
attractive. But Praskovya
Mikhaylovna did not recognize him. She could hardly do so, not
having seen him for almost twenty years.
'Don't think ill of me, Father. Perhaps you want something to
eat?'
He took the bread and the money, and Praskovya Mikhaylovna was
surprised that he did not go, but stood looking at her.
'Pashenka, I have come to you! Take me in . . .'
His beautiful black eyes, shining with the tears that started in
them, were fixed on her with imploring
insistence. And under his
greyish moustache his lips quivered piteously.
Praskovya Mikhaylovna pressed her hands to her withered breast,
opened her mouth, and stood petrified, staring at the
pilgrimwith dilated eyes.
'It can't be! Stepa! Sergey! Father Sergius!'
'Yes, it is I,' said Sergius in a low voice. 'Only not Sergius,
or Father Sergius, but a great
sinner, Stepan Kasatsky--a great
and lost
sinner. Take me in and help me!'
'It's impossible! How have you so humbled yourself? But come
in.'
She reached out her hand, but he did not take it and only
followed her in.
But where was she to take him? The
lodging was a small one.
Formerly she had had a tiny room, almost a
closet, for herself,
but later she had given it up to her daughter, and Masha was now
sitting there rocking the baby.
'Sit here for the present,' she said to Sergius, pointing to a
bench in the kitchen.
He sat down at once, and with an
evidently accustomed movement
slipped the straps of his
wallet first off one shoulder and then
off the other.
'My God, my God! How you have humbled yourself, Father! Such
great fame, and now like this . . .'
Sergius did not reply, but only smiled
meekly, placing his
walletunder the bench on which he sat.
'Masha, do you know who this is?'--And in a
whisper Praskovya
Mikhaylovna told her daughter who he was, and together they then
carried the bed and the
cradle out of the tiny room and cleared
it for Sergius.
Praskovya Mikhaylovna led him into it.
'Here you can rest. Don't take offence . . . but I must go out.'
'Where to?'
'I have to go to a lesson. I am
ashamed to tell you, but I teach
music!'
'Music? But that is good. Only just one thing, Praskovya
Mikhaylovna, I have come to you with a
definite object. When can
I have a talk with you?'
'I shall be very glad. Will this evening do?'
'Yes. But one thing more. Don't speak about me, or say who I
am. I have revealed myself only to you. No one knows where I
have gone to. It must be so.'
'Oh, but I have told my daughter.'
'Well, ask her not to mention it.'
And Sergius took off his boots, lay down, and at once fell asleep
after a
sleepless night and a walk of nearly thirty miles.
When Praskovya Mikhaylovna returned, Sergius was sitting in the
little room
waiting for her. He did not come out for dinner, but
had some soup and gruel which Lukerya brought him.
'How is it that you have come back earlier than you said?' asked
Sergius. 'Can I speak to you now?'
'How is it that I have the happiness to receive such a guest? I
have missed one of my lessons. That can wait . . . I had always
been planning to go to see you. I wrote to you, and now this
good fortune has come.'
'Pashenka, please listen to what I am going to tell you as to a
confession made to God at my last hour. Pashenka, I am not a
holy man, I am not even as good as a simple ordinary man; I am a
loathsome, vile, and proud
sinner who has gone
astray, and who,
if not worse than
everyone else, is at least worse than most very
bad people.'
Pashenka looked at him at first with staring eyes. But she
believed what he said, and when she had quite grasped it she
touched his hand, smiling pityingly, and said:
'Perhaps you
exaggerate, Stiva?'
'No, Pashenka. I am an adulterer, a
murderer, a blasphemer, and
a deceiver.'
'My God! How is that?' exclaimed Praskovya Mikhaylovna.
'But I must go on living. And I, who thought I knew everything,
who taught others how to live--I know nothing and ask you to
teach me.'
'What are you
saying, Stiva? You are laughing at me. Why do you
always make fun of me?'
'Well, if you think I am jesting you must have it as you please.
But tell me all the same how you live, and how you have lived
your life.'
'I? I have lived a very nasty,
horrible life, and now God is
punishing me as I
deserve. I live so wretchedly, so wretchedly .
. .'
'How was it with your marriage? How did you live with your
husband?'
'It was all bad. I married because I fell in love in the
nastiest way. Papa did not
approve. But I would not listen to
anything and just got married. Then instead of helping my
husband I tormented him by my
jealousy, which I could not
restrain.'
'I heard that he drank . . .'
'Yes, but I did not give him any peace. I always reproached him,
though you know it is a disease! He could not
refrain from it.
I now remember how I tried to prevent his having it, and the
frightful scenes we had!'
And she looked at Kasatsky with beautiful eyes,
suffering from
the remembrance.
Kasatsky remembered how he had been told that Pashenka's husband
used to beat her, and now, looking at her thin withered neck with
prominent veins behind her ears, and her
scanty coil of hair,
half grey half
auburn, he seemed to see just how it had occurred.
'Then I was left with two children and no means at all.'
'But you had an estate!'
'Oh, we sold that while Vasya was still alive, and the money was
all spent. We had to live, and like all our young ladies I did
not know how to earn anything. I was particularly
useless and
helpless. So we spent all we had. I taught the children and
improved my own education a little. And then Mitya fell ill when
he was already in the fourth form, and God took him. Masha fell
in love with Vanya, my son-in-law. And--well, he is well-meaning
but
unfortunate. He is ill.'
'Mamma!'--her daughter's voice interrupted her--'Take Mitya! I
can't be in two places at once.'
Praskovya Mikhaylovna shuddered, but rose and went out of the
room, stepping quickly in her patched shoes. She soon came back
with a boy of two in her arms, who threw himself
backwards and
grabbed at her shawl with his little hands.
'Where was I? Oh yes, he had a good appointment here, and his
chief was a kind man too. But Vanya could not go on, and had to
give up his position.'
'What is the matter with him?'
'Neurasthenia--it is a
dreadfulcomplaint" target="_blank" title="n.抱怨;叫屈">
complaint. We consulted a
doctor, who told us he ought to go away, but we had no means. . .
. I always hope it will pass of itself. He has no particular
pain, but . . .'
'Lukerya!' cried an angry and
feeble voice. 'She is always sent
away when I want her. Mamma . . .'
'I'm coming!' Praskovya Mikhaylovna again interrupted herself.
'He has not had his dinner yet. He can't eat with us.'
She went out and arranged something, and came back wiping her
thin dark hands.
'So that is how I live. I always
complain and am always
dissatisfied, but thank God the grandchildren are all nice and
healthy, and we can still live. But why talk about me?'
'But what do you live on?'
'Well, I earn a little. How I used to
dislike music, but how
useful it is to me now!' Her small hand lay on the chest of
drawers beside which she was sitting, and she drummed an exercise
with her thin fingers.
'How much do you get for a lesson?'
'Sometimes a ruble, sometimes fifty kopeks, or sometimes thirty.
They are all so kind to me.'
'And do your pupils get on well?' asked Kasatsky with a slight
smile.
Praskovya Mikhaylovna did not at first believe that he was asking
seriously, and looked inquiringly into his eyes.
'Some of them do. One of them is a splendid girl--the butcher's
daughter--such a good kind girl! If I were a clever woman I
ought, of course, with the connexions Papa had, to be able to get
an appointment for my son-in-law. But as it is I have not been
able to do anything, and have brought them all to this--as you
see.'