"Nothing is truer, I am sorry to say. For I really have wished to
have the
revenge which I have dreamed of, and which I thought so
easy. Exasperated by that bad woman's
insolence and confidence in
her own safety, I have several times made up my mind to kill her,
and have exerted all my
energy and all my skill to make my
knivesfly aside when I threw them to make a border round her neck. I
have tried with all my might to make them deviate half an inch,
just enough to cut her
throat. I wanted to, and I have never
succeeded, never. And always the slut's
horrible laugh makes fun
of me, always, always."
And with a
deluge of tears, with something like a roar of
unsatiated and muzzled rage, he ground his teeth as he wound up:
"She knows me, the jade; she is in the secret of my work, of my
patience, of my trick,
routine,
whatever you may call it! She
lives in my innermost being, and sees into it more closely than
you do, or than I do myself. She knows what a
faultless machine I
have become, the machine of which she makes fun, the machine
which is too well wound up, the machine which cannot get out of
order--and she knows that I CANNOT make a mistake."
THE HORLA
MAY 8. What a lovely day! I have spent all the morning lying on
the grass in front of my house, under the
enormous plantain tree
which covers and shades and shelters the whole of it. I like this
part of the country; I am fond of living here because I am
attached to it by deep roots, the
profound and
delicate roots
which
attach a man to the soil on which his ancestors were born
and died, to their traditions, their usages, their food, the
local expressions, the
peculiar language of the peasants, the
smell of the soil, the hamlets, and to the
atmosphere itself.
I love the house in which I grew up. From my windows I can see
the Seine, which flows by the side of my garden, on the other
side of the road, almost through my grounds, the great and wide
Seine, which goes to Rouen and Havre, and which is covered with
boats passing to and fro.
On the left, down yonder, lies Rouen,
populous Rouen with its
blue roofs massing under
pointed, Gothic towers. Innumerable are
they,
delicate or broad, dominated by the spire of the cathedral,
full of bells which sound through the blue air on fine mornings,
sending their sweet and distant iron clang to me, their metallic
sounds, now stronger and now weaker, according as the wind is
strong or light.
What a
delicious morning it was! About eleven o'clock, a long
line of boats drawn by a steam-tug, as big a fly, and which
scarcely puffed while emitting its thick smoke, passed my gate.
After two English schooners, whose red flags fluttered toward the
sky, there came a
magnificent Brazilian three-master; it was
perfectly white and
wonderfully clean and shining. I saluted it,
I hardly know why, except that the sight of the
vessel gave me
great pleasure.
May 12. I have had a slight
feverish attack for the last few
days, and I feel ill, or rather I feel low-spirited.
Whence come those
mysterious influences which change our
happiness into
discouragement, and our self-confidence into
diffidence? One might almost say that the air, the
invisible air,
is full of unknowable Forces, whose
mysterious presence we have
to
endure. I wake up in the best of spirits, with an inclination
to sing in my heart. Why? I go down by the side of the water, and
suddenly, after walking a short distance, I return home wretched,
as if some
misfortune were awaiting me there. Why? Is it a cold
shiver which, passing over my skin, has upset my nerves and given
me a fit of low spirits? Is it the form of the clouds, or the
tints of the sky, or the colors of the
surrounding objects which
are so change-able, which have troubled my thoughts as they
passed before my eyes? Who can tell? Everything that surrounds
us, everything that we see without looking at it, everything that
we touch without
knowing it, everything that we handle without
feeling it, everything that we meet without clearly
distinguishing it, has a rapid,
surprising, and inexplicable
effect upon us and upon our organs, and through them on our ideas
and on our being itself.
How
profound that
mystery of the Invisible is! We cannot fathom
it with our
miserable senses: our eyes are
unable to perceive
what is either too small or too great, too near to or too far
from us; we can see neither the inhabitants of a star nor of a
drop of water; our ears
deceive us, for they
transmit to us the
vibrations of the air in sonorous notes. Our senses are fairies