you cannot. That which you have done is done, and yours must be
the
penalty and the sorrow--yours and mine--yours and mine--yours
and mine."
This, too, was a
phantom, a Rima of the mind, one of the shapes
the ever-changing black vapours of
remorse and
insanity would
take; and all her
mournful sentences were woven out of my own
brain. I was not so crazed as not to know it; only a
phantom, an
illusion, yet more real than reality--real as my crime and vain
remorse and death to come. It was, indeed, Rima returned to tell
me that I that loved her had been more cruel to her than her
cruellest enemies; for they had but tortured and destroyed her
body with fire, while I had cast this shadow on her soul--this
sorrow transcending all sorrows, darker than death, immitigable,
eternal.
If I could only have faded gradually, painlessly, growing feebler
in body and dimmer in my senses each day, to sink at last into
sleep! But it could not be. Still the fever in my brain, the
mocking voice by day, the
phantoms by night; and at last I became
convinced that unless I quitted the forest before long, death
would come to me in some terrible shape. But in the feeble
condition I was now in, and without any provisions, to escape
from the neighbourhood of Parahuari was impossible,
seeing that
it was necessary at starting to avoid the villages where the
Indians were of the same tribe as Runi, who would recognize me as
the white man who was once his guest and afterwards his
implacable enemy. I must wait, and in spite of a weakened body
and a mind
diseased, struggle still to wrest a
scanty subsistence
from wild nature.
One day I discovered an old
prostrate tree, buried under a thick
growth of creeper and fern, the wood of which was nearly or quite
rotten, as I proved by thrusting my knife to the heft in it. No
doubt it would
contain grubs--those huge, white wood-borers which
now formed an important item in my diet. On the following day I
returned to the spot with a chopper and a
bundle of wedges to
split the trunk up, but had scarcely commenced operations when an
animal, startled at my blows, rushed or rather wriggled from its
hiding-place under the dead wood at a distance of a few yards
from me. It was a
robust, round-headed, short-legged creature,
about as big as a good-sized cat, and clothed in a thick,
greenish-brown fur. The ground all about was covered with
creepers,
binding the ferns, bushes, and old dead branches
together; and in this confused
tangle the animal scrambled and
tore with a great show of
energy, but really made very little
progress; and all at once it flashed into my mind that it was a
sloth--a common animal, but
rarely seen on the ground--with no
tree near to take
refuge in. The shock of joy this discovery
produced was great enough to unnerve me, and for some moments I
stood trembling, hardly able to
breathe; then recovering I
hastened after it, and stunned it with a blow from my chopper on
its round head.
"Poor sloth!" I said as I stood over it. "Poor old lazy-bones!
Did Rima ever find you fast asleep in a tree, hugging a branch as
if you loved it, and with her little hand pat your round,
human-like head; and laugh mockingly at the
astonishment in your
drowsy, waking eyes; and scold you
tenderly for wearing your
nails so long, and for being so ugly? Lazybones, your death is
revenged! Oh, to be out of this wood--away from this sacred
place--to be
anywhere where killing is not murder!"
Then it came into my mind that I was now in possession of the
supply of food which would
enable me to quit the wood. A noble
capture! As much to me as if a stray, migratory mule had rambled
into the wood and found me, and I him. Now I would be my own
mule, patient, and long-suffering, and far-going, with naked feet
hardened to hoofs, and a pack of provender on my back to make me
independent of the dry, bitter grass on the sunburnt savannahs.
Part of that night and the next morning was spent in curing the
flesh over a smoky fire of green wood and in manufacturing a
rough sack to store it in, for I had
resolved to set out on my
journey. How
safely to
convey Rima's treasured ashes was a
subject of much thought and
anxiety. The clay
vessel on which I
had expended so much
loving,
sorrowful labour had to be left,