MRS. FORD. He will seek there, on my word. Neither press,
coffer, chest, trunk, well, vault, but he hath an
abstract for
the
remembrance of such places, and goes to them by his
note. There is no hiding you in the house.
FALSTAFF. I'll go out then.
MRS. PAGE. If you go out in your own
semblance, you die,
Sir John. Unless you go out disguis'd.
MRS. FORD. How might we
disguise him?
MRS. PAGE. Alas the day, I know not! There is no woman's
gown big enough for him;
otherwise he might put on a
hat, a muffler, and a
kerchief, and so escape.
FALSTAFF. Good hearts,
devise something; any
extremityrather than a mischief.
MRS. FORD. My Maid's aunt, the fat woman of Brainford, has
a gown above.
MRS. PAGE. On my word, it will serve him; she's as big as he
is; and there's her thrumm'd hat, and her muffler too. Run
up, Sir John.
MRS. FORD. Go, go, sweet Sir John. Mistress Page and I will
look some linen for your head.
MRS. PAGE. Quick, quick; we'll come dress you straight. Put
on the gown the while. Exit FALSTAFF
MRS. FORD. I would my husband would meet him in this
shape; he cannot abide the old woman of Brainford; he
swears she's a witch,
forbade her my house, and hath
threat'ned to beat her.
MRS. PAGE. Heaven guide him to thy husband's
cudgel; and
the devil guide his
cudgel afterwards!
MRS. FORD. But is my husband coming?
MRS. PAGE. Ay, in good
sadness is he; and talks of the basket
too, howsoever he hath had intelligence.
MRS. FORD. We'll try that; for I'll
appoint my men to carry
the basket again, to meet him at the door with it as they
did last time.
MRS. PAGE. Nay, but he'll be here
presently; let's go dress
him like the witch of Brainford.
MRS. FORD. I'll first direct my men what they shall do with
the basket. Go up; I'll bring linen for him straight. Exit
MRS. PAGE. Hang him,
dishonest varlet! we cannot misuse
him enough.
We'll leave a proof, by that which we will do,
Wives may be merry and yet honest too.
We do not act that often jest and laugh;
'Tis old but true: Still swine eats all the draff. Exit
Re-enter MISTRESS FORD, with two SERVANTS
MRS. FORD. Go, sirs, take the basket again on your shoulders;
your master is hard at door; if he bid you set it down, obey
him; quickly,
dispatch. Exit
FIRST SERVANT. Come, come, take it up.
SECOND SERVANT. Pray heaven it be not full of
knight again.
FIRST SERVANT. I hope not; I had lief as bear so much lead.
Enter FORD, PAGE, SHALLOW, CAIUS, and SIR HUGH EVANS
FORD. Ay, but if it prove true, Master Page, have you any
way then to unfool me again? Set down the basket, villain!
Somebody call my wife. Youth in a basket! O you panderly
rascals, there's a knot, a ging, a pack, a conspiracy
against me. Now shall the devil be sham'd. What, wife, I
say! Come, come forth; behold what honest clothes you
send forth to bleaching.
PAGE. Why, this passes, Master Ford; you are not to go loose
any longer; you must be pinion'd.
EVANS. Why, this is lunatics. This is mad as a mad dog.
SHALLOW. Indeed, Master Ford, this is not well, indeed.
FORD. So say I too, sir.
Re-enter MISTRESS FORD
Come
hither, Mistress Ford; Mistress Ford, the honest
woman, the
modest wife, the
virtuous creature, that hath
the
jealous fool to her husband! I
suspect without cause,
Mistress, do I?
MRS. FORD. Heaven be my
witness, you do, if you
suspectme in any
dishonesty.
FORD. Well said, brazen-face; hold it out. Come forth, sirrah.
[Pulling clothes out of the basket]
PAGE. This passes!
MRS. FORD. Are you not asham'd? Let the clothes alone.
FORD. I shall find you anon.
EVANS. 'Tis
unreasonable. Will you take up your wife's
clothes? Come away.
FORD. Empty the basket, I say.
MRS. FORD. Why, man, why?
FORD. Master Page, as I am a man, there was one convey'd
out of my house
yesterday in this basket. Why may not
he be there again? In my house I am sure he is; my
intelligence is true; my
jealousy is reasonable.
Pluck me out all the linen.
MRS. FORD. If you find a man there, he shall die a flea's
death.
PAGE. Here's no man.
SHALLOW. By my
fidelity, this is not well, Master Ford; this
wrongs you.
EVANS. Master Ford, you must pray, and not follow the
imaginations of your own heart; this is
jealousies.
FORD. Well, he's not here I seek for.
PAGE. No, nor
nowhere else but in your brain.
FORD. Help to search my house this one time. If I find not
what I seek, show no colour for my
extremity; let me for
ever be your table sport; let them say of me 'As
jealous as
Ford, that search'd a hollow
walnut for his wife's leman.'
Satisfy me once more; once more search with me.
MRS. FORD. What, hoa, Mistress Page! Come you and the old
woman down; my husband will come into the chamber.
FORD. Old woman? what old woman's that?
MRS. FORD. Why, it is my maid's aunt of Brainford.
FORD. A witch, a quean, an old cozening quean! Have I not
forbid her my house? She comes of errands, does she? We
are simple men; we do not know what's brought to pass
under the
profession of fortune-telling. She works by
charms, by spells, by th' figure, and such daub'ry as this
is, beyond our element. We know nothing. Come down, you
witch, you hag you; come down, I say.
MRS. FORD. Nay, good sweet husband! Good gentlemen, let
him not strike the old woman.
Re-enter FALSTAFF in woman's clothes, and MISTRESS PAGE
MRS. PAGE. Come, Mother Prat; come. give me your hand.
FORD. I'll prat her. [Beating him] Out of my door, you
witch, you hag, you.
baggage, you polecat, you ronyon!
Out, out! I'll
conjure you, I'll fortune-tell you.
Exit FALSTAFF
MRS. PAGE. Are you not asham'd? I think you have kill'd the
poor woman.
MRS. FORD. Nay, he will do it. 'Tis a
goodly credit for you.
FORD. Hang her, witch!
EVANS. By yea and no, I think the oman is a witch indeed; I
like not when a oman has a great peard; I spy a great peard
under his muffler.
FORD. Will you follow, gentlemen? I
beseech you follow;
see but the issue of my
jealousy; if I cry out thus upon no
trail, never trust me when I open again.
PAGE. Let's obey his
humour a little further. Come,
gentlemen. Exeunt all but MRS. FORD and MRS. PAGE
MRS. PAGE. Trust me, he beat him most pitifully.
MRS. FORD. Nay, by th' mass, that he did not; he beat him
most unpitifully methought.
MRS. PAGE. I'll have the
cudgel hallow'd and hung o'er the
altar; it hath done meritorious service.
MRS. FORD. What think you? May we, with the
warrant of
womanhood and the
witness of a good
conscience, pursue
him with any further revenge?
MRS. PAGE. The spirit of wantonness is sure scar'd out of
him; if the devil have him not in fee-simple, with fine and
recovery, he will never, I think, in the way of waste,
attempt us again.
MRS. FORD. Shall we tell our husbands how we have serv'd
him?
MRS. PAGE. Yes, by all means; if it be but to
scrape the
figures out of your husband's brains. If they can find in their
hearts the poor un
virtuous fat
knight shall be any further
afflicted, we two will still be the ministers.
MRS. FORD. I'll
warrant they'll have him
publicly sham'd;
and
methinks there would be no period to the jest, should
he not be
publicly sham'd.
MRS. PAGE. Come, to the forge with it then; shape it. I
would not have things cool. Exeunt
SCENE 3.
The Garter Inn
Enter HOST and BARDOLPH
BARDOLPH. Sir, the Germans desire to have three of your
horses; the Duke himself will be to-morrow at court, and
they are going to meet him.
HOST. What duke should that be comes so
secretly? I hear
not of him in the court. Let me speak with the gentlemen;
they speak English?
BARDOLPH. Ay, sir; I'll call them to you.
HOST. They shall have my horses, but I'll make them pay;
I'll sauce them; they have had my house a week at
command; I have turn'd away my other guests. They must
come off; I'll sauce them. Come. Exeunt
SCENE 4
FORD'S house
Enter PAGE, FORD, MISTRESS PAGE, MISTRESS FORD, and
SIR HUGH EVANS
EVANS. 'Tis one of the best discretions of a oman as ever
did look upon.
PAGE. And did he send you both these letters at an instant?
MRS. PAGE. Within a quarter of an hour.
FORD. Pardon me, wife. Henceforth, do what thou wilt;
I rather will
suspect the sun with cold
Than thee with wantonness. Now doth thy honour stand,
In him that was of late an heretic,
As firm as faith.
PAGE. 'Tis well, 'tis well; no more.
Be not as
extreme in
submission as in offence;
But let our plot go forward. Let our wives
Yet once again, to make us public sport,
Appoint a meeting with this old fat fellow,
Where we may take him and
disgrace him for it.
FORD. There is no better way than that they spoke of.
PAGE. How? To send him word they'll meet him in the Park
at
midnight? Fie, fie! he'll never come!
EVANS. You say he has been thrown in the rivers; and has
been grievously peaten as an old oman;
methinks there
should be terrors in him, that he should not come;
methinks his flesh is punish'd; he shall have no desires.
PAGE. So think I too.
MRS. FORD. Devise but how you'll use him when he comes,
And let us two
devise to bring him t
hither.
MRS. PAGE. There is an old tale goes that Heme the Hunter,
Sometime a
keeper here in Windsor Forest,
Doth all the winter-time, at still
midnight,
Walk round about an oak, with great ragg'd horns;
And there he blasts the tree, and takes the cattle,