But all this belonged--I mean their
magnificent little
surrender--
just to the special array of the facts that were most abysmal.
Turned out for Sunday by his uncle's
tailor, who had had a free
hand and a notion of pretty waistcoats and of his grand little air,
Miles's whole title to
independence, the rights of his sex and situation,
were so stamped upon him that if he had suddenly struck for freedom
I should have had nothing to say. I was by the strangest of chances
wondering how I should meet him when the revolution unmistakably occurred.
I call it a revolution because I now see how, with the word he spoke,
the curtain rose on the last act of my
dreadful drama, and the catastrophe
was precipitated. "Look here, my dear, you know," he
charmingly said,
"when in the world, please, am I going back to school?"
Transcribed here the speech sounds
harmless enough,
particularly as uttered in the sweet, high,
casual pipe with which,
at all interlocutors, but above all at his
eternal governess,
he threw off intonations as if he were tossing roses.
There was something in them that always made one "catch," and
I caught, at any rate, now so
effectually that I stopped as short
as if one of the trees of the park had fallen across the road.
There was something new, on the spot, between us, and he was
perfectly aware that I recognized it, though, to
enable me to do so,
he had no need to look a whit less candid and
charming than usual.
I could feel in him how he already, from my at first finding
nothing to reply, perceived the
advantage he had gained.
I was so slow to find anything that he had plenty of time,
after a minute, to continue with his
suggestive but inconclusive smile:
"You know, my dear, that for a fellow to be with a lady ALWAYS--!"
His "my dear" was
constantly on his lips for me, and nothing
could have expressed more the exact shade of the
sentiment with
which I desired to
inspire my pupils than its fond familiarity.
It was so
respectfully easy.
But, oh, how I felt that at present I must pick my own phrases!
I remember that, to gain time, I tried to laugh, and I seemed to see in
the beautiful face with which he watched me how ugly and queer I looked.
"And always with the same lady?" I returned.
He neither blanched nor winked. The whole thing was
virtually out
between us. "Ah, of course, she's a jolly, `perfect' lady; but, after all,
I'm a fellow, don't you see? that's--well, getting on."
I lingered there with him an
instant ever so kindly.
"Yes, you're getting on." Oh, but I felt helpless!
I have kept to this day the heartbreaking little idea
of how he seemed to know that and to play with it.
"And you can't say I've not been
awfully good, can you?"
I laid my hand on his shoulder, for, though I felt how much
better it would have been to walk on, I was not yet quite able.
"No, I can't say that, Miles."
"Except just that one night, you know--!"
"That one night?" I couldn't look as straight as he.
"Why, when I went down--went out of the house."
"Oh, yes. But I forget what you did it for."
"You forget?"--he spoke with the sweet
extravagance of
childish reproach.
"Why, it was to show you I could!"
"Oh, yes, you could."
"And I can again."
I felt that I might, perhaps, after all, succeed in keeping
my wits about me. "Certainly. But you won't."
"No, not THAT again. It was nothing."
"It was nothing," I said. "But we must go on."
He resumed our walk with me, passing his hand into my arm.
"Then when AM I going back?"
I wore, in turning it over, my most
responsible air.
"Were you very happy at school?"
He just considered. "Oh, I'm happy enough anywhere!"
"Well, then," I quavered, "if you're just as happy here--!"
"Ah, but that isn't everything! Of course YOU know a lot--"
"But you hint that you know almost as much?" I risked as he paused.
"Not half I want to!" Miles
honestly professed.
"But it isn't so much that."
"What is it, then?"
"Well--I want to see more life."
"I see; I see." We had arrived within sight of the church and
of various persons, including several of the household of Bly,
on their way to it and clustered about the door to see us go in.
I quickened our step; I wanted to get there before the question
between us opened up much further; I reflected hungrily that,
for more than an hour, he would have to be silent; and I thought
with envy of the
comparative dusk of the pew and of the almost
spiritual help of the
hassock on which I might bend my knees.
I seemed
literally to be
running a race with some confusion
to which he was about to reduce me, but I felt that he had got
in first when, before we had even entered the
churchyard,
he threw out--
"I want my own sort!"
It
literally made me bound forward. "There are not many of your
own sort, Miles!" I laughed. "Unless perhaps dear little Flora!"
"You really compare me to a baby girl?"
This found me singularly weak. "Don't you, then, LOVE
our sweet Flora?"
"If I didn't--and you, too; if I didn't--!" he
repeated as if
retreating for a jump, yet leaving his thought so
unfinished that,
after we had come into the gate, another stop, which he imposed
on me by the
pressure of his arm, had become inevitable.
Mrs. Grose and Flora had passed into the church, the other
worshippers had followed, and we were, for the minute,
alone among the old, thick graves. We had paused, on the path
from the gate, by a low, oblong, tablelike tomb.
"Yes, if you didn't--?"
He looked, while I waited, at the graves. "Well, you know what!"
But he didn't move, and he
presently produced something that made
me drop straight down on the stone slab, as if suddenly to rest.
"Does my uncle think what YOU think?"
I markedly rested. "How do you know what I think?"
"Ah, well, of course I don't; for it strikes me you never tell me.
But I mean does HE know?"
"Know what, Miles?"
"Why, the way I'm going on."
I perceived quickly enough that I could make, to this inquiry,
no answer that would not
involve something of a sacrifice
of my
employer. Yet it appeared to me that we were all,
at Bly,
sufficiently sacrificed to make that venial.
"I don't think your uncle much cares."
Miles, on this, stood looking at me. "Then don't you think he can
be made to?"
"In what way?"
"Why, by his coming down."
"But who'll get him to come down?"
"_I_ will!" the boy said with
extraordinarybrightness and emphasis.
He gave me another look charged with that expression and then marched
off alone into church.
XV
The business was practically settled from the moment I
never followed him. It was a
pitifulsurrender to agitation,
but my being aware of this had somehow no power to
restore me.
I only sat there on my tomb and read into what my little
friend had said to me the
fullness of its meaning;
by the time I had grasped the whole of which I had also embraced,
for
absence, the pretext that I was
ashamed to offer my pupils
and the rest of the
congregation such an example of delay.
What I said to myself above all was that Miles had got something