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Have you talked to your kids about sex yet? After giving us the strategies-and a handbook-for starting

the conversation, Dr. Laura Berman's back to help the parents of teenagers still struggling with the sex talk.

The talk shouldn't only be about STD prevention and pregnancy, Dr. Berman says. It's also about empowerment-and Dr. Berman says the conversation needs to include pleasure and self-stimulation.

"You don't want her to have sex right now. ... But you eventually want her to have a fulfilling, happy,

loving, intimate sex life," she says. "When the time comes, she's that much more likely to make those

healthy decisions since she feels good about who she is as a sexual person and not just give away that gift

to anybody-the first time or any time."

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According to an O, The Oprah Magazine and Seventeen magazine sex survey, 46 percent of 15- to 18-

year-old girls who have had intercourse claim their mothers don't know. The study also says 78 percent of

girls who have had intercourse have not used condoms-and 56 percent say they used no birth control at all.

After dating for three months, 14-year-olds Courtney and Pierce say they're thinking about taking their

relationship to the next level. Both say it would be their first time. "I love her and she's so great, and I just

want to have that experience with her," Pierce says.

"We've done pretty much everything besides sex," Courtney says. "We probably would be having sex if

we had the opportunity to and we wouldn't get interrupted in the middle of it."

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Pierce's mom, Lisa, says she noticed how her son was looking at Courtney and started to suspect

something might happen soon. "From my gut, they were getting very, very close to having sex," she says.

Lisa says she began to wrestle with a question few parents want to face-should she buy her son

condoms? "I went to the drugstore, and I stood in the condom aisle for about 30 minutes," she says.

"Making that purchase was probably the hardest thing I ever did, because I didn't want him to think that I

was giving him [approval]. Like, 'Go for it, son.'"

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Courtney's mom, Beth, says she found out Courtney and Pierce were dating by accident. "I look outside,and there's Courtney, down the block, arm in arm, kissing this guy I had no idea about," she says.

"I had no idea Courtney was even the least bit interested in boys."

After Courtney's grades started falling, Beth says she did everything she could to keep her in the house.

When Lisa heard Beth had concerns about Pierce and Courtney dating, she called Beth. "[Lisa] said, 'I

just want to open up this communication and let you know that we're on the same wavelength that you

are,'" Beth says. "So I took a real deep breath. Courtney and I talked a little bit more, and I started once

again giving her a lot more freedom to make choices."

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Then, Beth says she found out Lisa bought condoms for Pierce. "I was floored," she says. "So then I

thought, 'Maybe Lisa wasn't really being honest with me.'"

Lisa says she understands where Beth is coming from but feels torn. "If she took Courtney to a doctor

and got a cervical cancer vaccination, got her a checkup, got her on birth control, I would pat her on the

back," Lisa says. "I didn't really feel like I needed to run that particular aspect of the information through

her, but I see in hindsight that I was wrong, that I probably should have called her."

Lisa says she is not encouraging Courtney and Pierce to have sex. "I am making sure I am not giving them the opportunity to be alone, so I gave Beth my commitment on that-that there is no den of iniquity

happening in our house," Lisa says.

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Dr. Berman says if you suspect that your children are thinking about having sex, you need to ask them

several important questions. The first question Dr. Berman has for Pierce and Courtney is simple-why now?

Get all Dr. Berman's questions for a teen who's thinking about having sex.

"We've been dating for a little while, and we feel like we're ready," Pierce says. "We love each other, and

we're not just doing it because we want to do it. ... We want it to be special."

"I think having sex, intercourse, is a really big step in your life. When you do it for the first time, it has to

be with someone that you really care about," Courtney says. "I do really care about Pierce, and I think for

me to do it with him for the first time would be really special."

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Dr. Berman's next question is more direct-how long do Courtney and Pierce plan to stay together?

"Hopefully a long time," Pierce says.

So how long is a long time? "Six months to a year," he says.

Dr. Berman then asks Courtney if she would still want her first time to be with Pierce. "Well, I think if he

limited our relationship to only being six months, I don't think so," she says. "I thought a long time [was]

not having an expiration date."

Many girls Courtney's age feel the same, Dr. Berman says. "When you feel this much love and this much

connection, you are imagining forever," she says.

That's why Dr. Berman says this is an important talk for teens in serious relationships to have. "Before

you have sex, have a really clear conversation about what's going to happen the next day. What's going to

happen a week from now? What's going to happen a month from now?"

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Dr. Berman also wants to make sure Courtney and Pierce have thought through the emotional changes that come with sex. "The first time, it comes with intense emotions, intense feelings-especially afterward," she says.

Questions Dr. Berman says they need to consider are:

What does this mean for who I am as a person?

What does this mean for my body?

What does this mean for my relationship with this person?

What happens next?

If they do have sex, have Courtney and Pierce discussed their expectations for how frequently it would

happen? "It's not really up to me," Pierce says. "It's her decision how often she wants to continue doing

it, so I don't really have a choice."

Good answer, Dr. Berman says. "She's got to consent. That's good," she says. "That's part of the

conversation as well."

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Lisa put condoms in Pierce's drawer, but have Courtney and Pierce talked about using them? Pierce says

he knows how to put one on...but hasn't actually practiced. "I don't see how it's that hard to figure it out," he says.

Sometimes it can be, Dr. Berman says. "A large percentage of people put them on backward, don't leave

air on the tip and then it breaks," she says. "The number one reason that condoms break is because they

are not put on correctly."

Dr. Berman says that if you're thinking about buying your child condoms, don't just leave them in his

room. "Talk to them about how condoms work. Talk to them about correct use of condoms," she says.

"Show them on a banana how to roll one on correctly."

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Birth control is a two-way street, and Dr. Berman asks Courtney and Pierce if they're prepared with two forms of birth control. "No," Courtney says.

"Because condoms break, you must have a second form of birth control," Dr. Berman says.

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Dr. Berman's next question is a big one-have Courtney and Pierce discussed what they will do if she gets pregnant? Pierce says he would leave the decision up to her, but Courtney says she can't even think

about it. "I'm scared to even think about that because of how big of an impact it would be on my life," she says.

In fact, one-third of girls in the United States are pregnant by the age of 20-which is why Dr. Berman

says it's a possibility Courtney needs to face. "You have to go down that path and think about it. That's

one of the homework assignments before you have sex," she says. "It doesn't sound like that piece of the

puzzle has been solved yet."

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Do Pierce and Courtney understand sexually transmitted diseases? Courtney says they've had

presentations in school about them. "Quite a few times, from sixth grade till now," Pierce says.

Dr. Berman says that's good news. "For the past eight years at least, most schools-if they do have sex

education-it's abstinence-only education," she says. "They teach you about sexually transmitted diseases and pregnancy, but they don't necessarily teach you about prevention."

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Dr. Berman's final question is one of the most important questions any teen couple must face-are you absolutely sure that neither of you have been with anyone else sexually? "Meaning orally, any other way,"

Dr. Berman says. "If you have, then you would both need to get tested for sexually transmitted diseases before you had sex."

Both Courtney and Pierce say they are absolutely sure they would be each other's first-and Dr. Berman

says she's pleased that Courtney, Pierce and their mothers have had such an open dialogue. "[Parents

saying], 'Don't do it' doesn't work. It's just like putting your head in the sand," Dr. Berman says. "It's

important for you guys to be having these conversations with them, ideally from a much earlier age."

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Having considered all Dr. Berman's questions, are Courtney and Pierce still ready to have sex?

"Yeah, I think I'm still ready," Pierce says.

But Courtney isn't so sure. "I'm slowly getting talked out of it," she says.

Dr. Berman says she hopes Courtney and Pierce will wait and says there are other ways to express their

feelings for each other. "There is a lot more that you can do to feel close sexually and to get that sexual

gratification together that you want that doesn't put you at risk for pregnancy and sexually transmitted

diseases," she says.

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What should parents know about having this conversation with their own children? "This is the kind of

conversation [where you need to be] calm, listening a lot, asking questions, hear opinions and giving them

your thoughts and feelings," Dr. Berman says.

Get all the questions you should ask a teen who may become sexually active.

Whether you have boys at home or girls, Dr. Berman says the information you give needs to be the same.

"Boys are under a tremendous amount of pressure as well," Dr. Berman says. "I think we really have to

pay attention to that, too, and give them both the same information-the same lack of permission or

permission-as the case may be and the same resources."

你跟你的孩子谈性了吗？之前劳拉 伯曼博士给我们提供过有关如何打开这个话题的策略以 及一本指南手册，现在她回来了，回来帮助那些还在为这个性话题苦苦挣扎的父母们。

伯曼博士认为这一话题不应该只是有关防止性病传染和怀孕，它还涉及了"授权"问题。这一交谈必须是一次令人愉快的和具有启发刺激性的交谈。"你并不想她现在就跟人发生性关系，但你最终还是希望她有一个满意的、快乐的、充满爱的和亲密的性生活。"伯曼博士说，"什么时候她觉得自己已俨然一位好的性伙伴了，她就很可能会作出那些健康的决定，而不是把自己的第一次（或任何一次）随便地交给任何一个人。"

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奥普拉杂志和美国Seventeen杂志有关性调查显示，46％15到18岁的女孩子说她们的母亲并不 知道她们已经有过性行为。这一研究同时表明了78％的女孩在性交时没有使用安全套，56％声称她们根本就没有采取避孕措施。

14岁的考特尼和皮尔斯在交往3个月之后打算进一步深入发展两人之间的关系。两人都说这是他们的第一次。"我爱她，她太棒了，我只想跟她来那个，"皮尔斯说。

"除了性交，我们还干过许多别的事，"考特尼说，"机会来了我们就会做，并且要一路子做到底。"

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皮尔斯的母亲丽莎说她留意到了儿子望着考特尼时的眼神，并开始猜测有些事很快就要发生。"根据我的直觉，他们很快就要发生性关系，"她说。

丽莎说她面临着解决一个只有少数家长愿意面对的问题，那就是，她要不要给儿子买避孕套？"我去了药房，在摆着避孕套的过道里站了大约半个小时，"她说，"那一次购物或许是我干过的最艰难的事，因为我不想让他觉得我这是在'批准'他去做，就像是在跟他说，去干吧，儿子。"

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考特尼的母亲贝丝说她是碰巧发现女儿与皮尔斯交往的。"我往外面看，发现他们在街区不远处搂抱接吻，我完全不认识这小伙子，"她说，"我不知道考特尼竟这么喜欢男孩。"

贝丝说，考特尼的学习成绩下降后，她用尽招数不让女儿外出。丽莎听说贝丝关心皮尔斯与贝丝的交往后，她跟贝丝通了电话。"丽莎说，'我打电话来是想让你知道我们的想法是 一样的，'"贝丝说，"我松了一口气。考特尼和我稍微聊了一点，我才又给她更多的自由来作出决定。"

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贝丝又说她发现丽莎给皮尔斯买了避孕套，"我很震惊，"她说，"我当时想，'或许贝莎有些事瞒着我。"

丽莎说她理解贝丝的出发点，但感觉很不是滋味。"如果她带考特尼去看医生，给她打宫颈癌疫苗，给她做体检，教她如何防止怀孕的措施，我肯定会赞扬她，"丽莎说，"我觉得没必要让她知道这（给皮尔斯买避孕套的事），但事后我知道我错了，我本应该打电话告诉她。"

丽莎说她不是在鼓励考特尼和皮尔斯性交。"我保证我没有给他们机会单独相处，所以我向贝丝承诺，我们家绝对不是罪恶的巢穴。"

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伯曼博士说，如果你怀疑你的孩子在考虑着要性了，你就得问他们几个重要的问题。而伯曼博士问皮尔斯和考特尼的第一个问题很简单--为什么现在？

把所有伯曼博士提出的问题带给一个考虑着要性的青少年吧。

"我们交往有一段时间了，我们感觉我们已经准备好了，"皮尔斯说，"我们爱彼此，我们这样做不只是出于我们想要这样做......我们想让它变得特别起来。"

"我觉得做爱、性交，真的是你生命中的一大台阶。你的第一次应该跟一个你真正在乎的人发生，"考特尼说，"我真的在乎皮尔斯，而且我觉得我跟他的第一次肯定很特别。"

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伯曼博士的下一个问题更直接--考特尼和皮尔斯打算交往多长时间？"但愿很长吧，"皮尔斯说。那么很长的时间是多长？"6个月到一年，"他说。

伯曼博士接着问考特尼是否还想跟皮尔斯来第一次。"嗯，我想，如果他把我们的关系限制到只有6个月的时间......我可不这么认为，"她说，"我认为很长时间是没有截止日期的。"

许多跟考特尼一样年纪的女孩都这么认为，伯曼博士说。"当你感觉爱是如此深，结合是如此紧密时，你是在发着永远的白日梦。"她说。

这就是为什么伯曼博士认为与青少年的这一有关恋爱的交谈是如此重要的原因。"在你发生性行为之前，明白地谈一谈，（性交过后）明天会发生什么。一周之后呢？一个月之后呢？"

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伯曼博士还想弄明白：性所带来的情感变化，考特尼和皮尔斯想通了吗？"随着第一次性关系而来的是强烈的情感和情绪--过后尤其如此，"她说。

伯曼博士认为他们需要考虑的问题有：

我是谁？这对我来说意味着什么？

这对我的身体来说意味着什么？

对于我跟这个人的关系，这又意味着什么？

接下来会发生什么？

如果考特尼和皮尔斯真的发生了性行为，那么他们讨论过他们期待的下一次将隔多长时间了吗？"这不由我决定，"皮尔斯说，"她想隔多久就隔多久，我没有选择。"

回答得好，伯曼博士说。"考特尼也同意，很好，"她说，"这也是交谈的一部分。"

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丽莎把安全套放在皮尔斯的抽屉里，但是考特尼和皮尔斯讨论过如何使用它们了吗？皮尔斯说他知道怎么戴......只是还没有实践过。"我看，要弄明白不会很难。"他说。

有时候你就是弄不明白，伯曼博士说。"大部分人把它们戴反了，不在末端留有空气它就会破，"她说，"安全套之所以会破，首要原因是他们戴得不对。"

伯曼博士说，如果你考虑给你的孩子买安全套的话，不要把它们留在他的房间里就完事了。"跟他们说说安全套的功能，说说安全套的正确使用方法，"她说，"找个香蕉来演示给他看如何正确地卷上去。 "

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避孕措施是双方的，伯曼博士问考特尼和皮尔斯是否准备双方均采取避孕措施。"不，"考 特尼说。

"因为安全套破了的话，你必须有第二种避孕措施，"伯曼博士说。

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伯曼博士的下一个问题非常重要--如果考特尼怀孕了，他们将怎么办，他们有讨论过了吗？皮尔斯说会由考特尼来作决定，但考特尼说关于这个她连想都没有想过。"连想想我都害怕，那对我的生活将会产生多大的影响啊。"她说。

实际上，在美国，1/3的女孩不到20岁就怀孕了，正因为如此，伯曼博士才认为考特尼有可能要面对这种现实。"你必须设身处地去考虑它。那是你性行为之前必做的家庭作业，"她说，"貌似难题还没有解决一点点。"

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皮尔斯和考特尼明白什么是性病传染吗？考特尼说学校有过这方面的讲解。"从6年级时到现在，偶尔有过。"皮尔斯说。

伯曼博士说那是好消息。"至少过去的8年里，大多数学校（如果它们提供性教育的话）提供的只是唯纯洁教育，"她说，"它们教给你有关性病传染和怀孕的知识，但不一定教你如何去防止。"

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伯曼博士的最后一个问题是任何一对青年情侣都必须面对的最重要问题之一--你们确定你们之中谁也没有跟其他人发生过性方面的行动吗？"口交，或是其他方式，"伯曼博士说，"如果有过的话，那么在性交前，你们两人都得去检查是否染了性病。"

考特尼和皮尔斯保证说他们绝对都是对方的第一次。伯曼博士说，让她高兴的是，考特尼和皮尔斯以及他们的母亲进行了这样一次敞开沟通。"父母们说，'算了，这样做没用'，这是在逃避问题，"伯曼博士说，"跟他们进行这样的交谈很重要，最好在他们更小的时候。"

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细想过伯曼博士所有的问题后，考特尼和皮尔斯还准备要那个吗？

"是的，我认为我还是准备着要，"皮尔斯说。

但考特尼不是十分肯定。"我已经快被说服了，"她说。

伯曼博士希望考特尼和皮尔斯再等等看，她说可找别的方式来表达对彼此的感情。"还有许多方式能够让你们感觉性亲密并得到性满足，同时不会有怀孕和染上性病的危险。"

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跟自己的孩子进行这样的交谈，父母应该了解些什么？"这种交谈需要你静下心来，听他们说，问他们问题，听他们的意见，给他们你的想法和感受，"伯曼博士说。

当孩子有性行为倾向时，该问他们的问题一定要问。

伯曼博士说，无论你家孩子是男孩还是女孩，跟他们说的要一致。"男孩同样承受着巨大的压力，"伯曼博士说，"我们真的要注意，给他们相同的信息--允许，还是不允许--视情况而定，信息资源是一样的。"
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