《Lady Chatterley's Lover》　CHAPTER18
　　　　by D·H·Lawrence

She had to make up her mind what to do. She would leave Venice on the
Saturday that he was leaving Wragby: in six days' time. This would bring
her to London on the Monday following, and she would then see him. She
wrote to him to the London address, asking him to send her a letter
to Hartland's hotel, and to call for her on the Monday evening at seven.


Inside herself she was curiously and complicatedly angry, and all her
responses were numb. She refused to confide even in Hilda, and Hilda,
offended by her steady silence, had become rather intimate with a Dutch
woman. Connie hated these rather stifling intimacies between women,
intimacy into which Hilda always entered ponderously.

Sir Malcolm decided to travel with Connie, and Duncan could come on
with Hilda. The old artist always did himself well: he took berths on
the Orient Express, in spite of Connie's dislike of trains de luxe,
the atmosphere of vulgar depravity there is aboard them nowadays. However,
it would make the journey to Paris shorter.

Sir Malcolm was always uneasy going back to his wife. It was habit
carried over from the first wife. But there would be a house-party for
the grouse, and he wanted to be well ahead. Connie, sunburnt and handsome,
sat in silence, forgetting all about the landscape.

`A little dull for you, going back to Wragby,' said her father, noticing
her glumness.

`I'm not sure I shall go back to Wragby,' she said, with startling
abruptness, looking into his eyes with her big blue eyes. His big blue
eyes took on the frightened look of a man whose social conscience is
not quite clear.

`You mean you'll stay on in Paris a while?'

`No! I mean never go back to Wragby.'

He was bothered by his own little problems, and sincerely hoped he
was getting none of hers to shoulder.

`How's that, all at once?' he asked.

`I'm going to have a child.'

It was the first time she had uttered the words to any living soul,
and it seemed to mark a cleavage in her life.

`How do you know?' said her father.

She smiled.

`How should I know?'

`But not Clifford's child, of course?'

`No! Another man's.'

She rather enjoyed tormenting him.

`Do I know the man?' asked Sir Malcolm.

`No! You've never seen him.'

There was a long pause.

`And what are your plans?'

`I don't know. That's the point.'

`No patching it up with Clifford?'

`I suppose Clifford would take it,' said Connie. `He told me, after
last time you talked to him, he wouldn't mind if I had a child, so long
as I went about it discreetly.'

`Only sensible thing he could say, under the circumstances. Then I
suppose it'll be all right.'

`In what way?' said Connie, looking into her father's eyes. They were
big blue eyes rather like her own, but with a certain uneasiness in
them, a look sometimes of an uneasy little boy, sometimes a look of
sullenselfishness, usually good-humoured and wary.

`You can present Clifford with an heir to all the Chatterleys, and
put another baronet in Wragby.'

Sir Malcolm's face smiled with a half-sensual smile.

`But I don't think I want to,' she said.

`Why not? Feeling entangled with the other man? Well! If you want the
truth from me, my child, it's this. The world goes on. Wragby stands
and will go on standing. The world is more or less a fixed thing and,
externally, we have to adapt ourselves to it. Privately, in my private
opinion, we can please ourselves. Emotions change. You may like one
man this year and another next. But Wragby still stands. Stick by Wragby
as far as Wragby sticks by you. Then please yourself. But you'll get
very little out of making a break. You can make a break if you wish.
You have an independent income, the only thing that never lets you down.
But you won't get much out of it. Put a little baronet in Wragby. It's
an amusing thing to do.'

And Sir Malcolm sat back and smiled again. Connie did not answer.

`I hope you had a real man at last,' he said to her after a while,
sensually alert.

`I did. That's the trouble. There aren't many of them about,' she said.

`No, by God!' he mused. `There aren't! Well, my dear, to look at you,
he was a lucky man. Surely he wouldn't make trouble for you?'

`Oh no! He leaves me my own mistress entirely.'

`Quite! Quite! A genuine man would.'

Sir Malcolm was pleased. Connie was his favourite daughter, he had
always liked the female in her. Not so much of her mother in her as
in Hilda. And he had always disliked Clifford. So he was pleased, and
very tender with his daughter, as if the unborn child were his child.

He drove with her to Hartland's hotel, and saw her installed: then
went round to his club. She had refused his company for the evening.

She found a letter from Mellors.

I won't come round to your hotel, but I'll wait for you outside the
Golden Cock in Adam Street at seven.

There he stood, tall and slender, and so different, in a formal suit
of thin dark cloth. He had a natural distinction, but he had not the
cut-to-pattern look of her class. Yet, she saw at once, he could go
anywhere. He had a native breeding which was really much nicer than
the cut-to-pattern class thing.

`Ah, there you are! How well you look!'

`Yes! But not you.'

She looked in his face anxiously. It was thin, and the cheekbones showed.
But his eyes smiled at her, and she felt at home with him. There it
was: suddenly, the tension of keeping up her appearances fell from her.
Something flowed out of him physically, that made her feel inwardly" title="ad.内向；独自地">inwardly
at ease and happy, at home. With a woman's now alert instinct for happiness,
she registered it at once. `I'm happy when he's there!' Not all the
sunshine of Venice had given her this inwardexpansion and warmth.

`Was it horrid for you?' she asked as she sat opposite him at table.
He was too thin; she saw it now. His hand lay as she knew it, with the
curious loose forgottenness of a sleeping animal. She wanted so much
to take it and kiss it. But she did not quite dare.

`People are always horrid,' he said.

`And did you mind very much?'

`I minded, as I always shall mind. And I knew I was a fool to mind.'

`Did you feel like a dog with a tin can tied to its tail? Clifford
said you felt like that.'

He looked at her. It was cruel of her at that moment: for his pride
had suffered bitterly.

`I suppose I did,' he said.

She never knew the fierce bitterness with which he resented insult.

There was a long pause.

`And did you miss me?' she asked.

`I was glad you were out of it.'

Again there was a pause.

`But did people believe about you and me?' she asked.

`No! I don't think so for a moment.'

`Did Clifford?'

`I should say not. He put it off without thinking about it. But naturally
it made him want to see the last of me.'

`I'm going to have a child.'

The expression died utterly out of his face, out of his whole body.
He looked at her with darkened eyes, whose look she could not understand
at all: like some dark-flamed spirit looking at her.

`Say you're glad!' she pleaded, groping for his hand. And she saw a
certain exultance spring up in him. But it was netted down by things
she could not understand.

`It's the future,' he said.

`But aren't you glad?' she persisted.

`I have such a terrible mistrust of the future.'

`But you needn't be troubled by any responsibility. Clifford would
have it as his own, he'd be glad.'

She saw him go pale, and recoil under this. He did not answer.

`Shall I go back to Clifford and put a little baronet into Wragby?'
she asked.

He looked at her, pale and very remote. The ugly little grin flickered
on his face.

`You wouldn't have to tell him who the father was?'

`Oh!' she said; `he'd take it even then, if I wanted him to.'

He thought for a time.

`Ay!' he said at last, to himself. `I suppose he would.'

There was silence. A big gulf was between them.

`But you don't want me to go back to Clifford, do you?' she asked him.

`What do you want yourself?' he replied.

`I want to live with you,' she said simply.

In spite of himself, little flames ran over his belly as he heard her
say it, and he dropped his head. Then he looked up at her again, with
those haunted eyes.

`If it's worth it to you,' he said. `I've got nothing.'

`You've got more than most men. Come, you know it,' she said.

`In one way, I know it.' He was silent for a time, thinking. Then he
resumed: `They used to say I had too much of the woman in me. But it's
not that. I'm not a woman not because I don't want to shoot birds, neither
because I don't want to make money, or get on. I could have got on in
the army, easily, but I didn't like the army. Though I could manage
the men all right: they liked me and they had a bit of a holy fear of
me when I got mad. No, it was stupid, dead-handed higher authority that
made the army dead: absolutely fool-dead. I like men, and men like me.
But I can't stand the twaddling bossy impudence of the people who run
this world. That's why I can't get on. I hate the impudence of money,
and I hate the impudence of class. So in the world as it is, what have
I to offer a woman?'

`But why offer anything? It's not a bargain. It's just that we love
one another,' she said.

`Nay, nay! It's more than that. Living is moving and moving on. My
life won't go down the proper gutters, it just won't. So I'm a bit of
a waste ticket by myself. And I've no business to take a woman into
my life, unless my life does something and gets somewhere, inwardly" title="ad.内向；独自地">inwardly
at least, to keep us both fresh. A man must offer a woman some meaning
in his life, if it's going to be an isolated life, and if she's a genuine
woman. I can't be just your male concubine.'

`Why not?' she said.

`Why, because I can't. And you would soon hate it.'

`As if you couldn't trust me,' she said.

The grin flickered on his face.

`The money is yours, the position is yours, the decisions will lie
with you. I'm not just my Lady's fucker, after all.'

`What else are you?'

`You may well ask. It no doubt is invisible. Yet I'm something to myself
at least. I can see the point of my own existence, though I can quite
understand nobody else's seeing it.'

`And will your existence have less point, if you live with me?'

He paused a long time before replying:

`It might.'

She too stayed to think about it.

`And what is the point of your existence?'

`I tell you, it's invisible. I don't believe in the world, not in money,
nor in advancement, nor in the future of our civilization. If there's
got to be a future for humanity, there'll have to be a very big change
from what now is.'

`And what will the real future have to be like?'

`God knows! I can feel something inside me, all mixed up with a lot
of rage. But what it really amounts to, I don't know.'

`Shall I tell you?' she said, looking into his face. `Shall I tell
you what you have that other men don't have, and that will make the
future? Shall I tell you?'

`Tell me then,' he replied.

`It's the courage of your own tenderness, that's what it is: like when
you put your hand on my tail and say I've got a pretty tail.'

The grin came flickering on his face.

`That!' he said.

Then he sat thinking.

`Ay!' he said. `You're right. It's that really. It's that all the way
through. I knew it with the men. I had to be in touch with them, physically,
and not go back on it. I had to be bodily aware of them and a bit tender
to them, even if I put em through hell. It's a question of awareness,
as Buddha said. But even he fought shy of the bodily awareness, and
that natural physical tenderness, which is the best, even between men;
in a proper manly way. Makes 'em really manly, not so monkeyish. Ay!
it's tenderness, really; it's cunt-awareness. Sex is really only touch,
the closest of all touch. And it's touch we're afraid of. We're only
half-conscious, and half alive. We've got to come alive and aware. Especially
the English have got to get into touch with one another, a bit delicate
and a bit tender. It's our crying need.'

She looked at him.

`Then why are you afraid of me?' she said.

He looked at her a long time before he answered.

`It's the money, really, and the position. It's the world in you.'

`But isn't there tenderness in me?' she said wistfully" title="ad.渴望地；不满足地">wistfully.

He looked down at her, with darkened, abstract eyes.

`Ay! It comes an' goes, like in me.'

`But can't you trust it between you and me?' she asked, gazing anxiously
at him.

She saw his face all softening down, losing its armour. `Maybe!' he
said. They were both silent.

`I want you to hold me in your arms,' she said. `I want you to tell
me you are glad we are having a child.'

She looked so lovely and warm and wistful, his bowels stirred towards
her.

`I suppose we can go to my room,' he said. `Though it's scandalous
again.'

But she saw the forgetfulness of the world coming over him again, his
face taking the soft, pure look of tender passion.

They walked by the remoter streets to Coburg Square, where he had a
room at the top of the house, an attic room where he cooked for himself
on a gas ring. It was small, but decent and tidy.

She took off her things, and made him do the same. She was lovely in
the soft first flush of her pregnancy.

`I ought to leave you alone,' he said.

`No!' she said. `Love me! Love me, and say you'll keep me. Say you'll
keep me! Say you'll never let me go, to the world nor to anybody.'

She crept close against him, clinging fast to his thin, strong naked
body, the only home she had ever known.

`Then I'll keep thee,' he said. `If tha wants it, then I'll keep thee.'

He held her round and fast.

`And say you're glad about the child,' she repeated.

`Kiss it! Kiss my womb and say you're glad it's there.'

But that was more difficult for him.

`I've a dread of puttin' children i' th' world,' he said. `I've such
a dread o' th' future for 'em.'

`But you've put it into me. Be tender to it, and that will be its future
already. Kiss it!'

He quivered, because it was true. `Be tender to it, and that will be
its future.'---At that moment he felt a sheer love for the woman. He
kissed her belly and her mound of Venus, to kiss close to the womb and
the foetus within the womb.

`Oh, you love me! You love me!' she said, in a little cry like one
of her blind, inarticulate love cries. And he went in to her softly,
feeling the stream of tenderness flowing in release from his bowels
to hers, the bowels of compassion kindled between them.

And he realized as he went into her that this was the thing he had
to do, to e into tender touch, without losing his pride or his dignity
or his integrity as a man. After all, if she had money and means, and
he had none, he should be too proud and honourable to hold back his
tenderness from her on that account. `I stand for the touch of bodily
awareness between human beings,' he said to himself, `and the touch
of tenderness. And she is my mate. And it is a battle against the money,
and the machine, and the insentient ideal monkeyishness of the world.
And she will stand behind me there. Thank God I've got a woman! Thank
God I've got a woman who is with me, and tender and aware of me. Thank
God she's not a bully, nor a fool. Thank God she's a tender, aware woman.'
And as his seed sprang in her, his soul sprang towards her too, in the
creative act that is far more than procreative.

She was quite determined now that there should be no parting between
him and her. But the ways and means were still to settle.

`Did you hate Bertha Coutts?' she asked him.

`Don't talk to me about her.'

`Yes! You must let me. Because once you liked her. And once you were
as intimate with her as you are with me. So you have to tell me. Isn't
it rather terrible, when you've been intimate with her, to hate her
so? Why is it?'

`I don't know. She sort of kept her will ready against me, always,
always: her ghastly female will: her freedom! A woman's ghastly freedom
that ends in the most beastly bullying! Oh, she always kept her freedom
against me, like vitriol in my face.'

`But she's not free of you even now. Does she still love you?'

`No, no! If she's not free of me, it's because she's got that mad rage,
she must try to bully me.'

`But she must have loved you.'

`No! Well, in specks she did. She was drawn to me. And I think even
that she hated. She loved me in moments. But she always took it back,
and started bullying. Her deepest desire was to bully me, and there
was no altering her. Her will was wrong, from the first.'

`But perhaps she felt you didn't really love her, and she wanted to
make you.'

`My God, it was bloody making.'

`But you didn't really love her, did you? You did her that wrong.'

`How could I? I began to. I began to love her. But somehow, she always
ripped me up. No, don't let's talk of it. It was a doom, that was. And
she was a doomed woman. This last time, I'd have shot her like I shoot
a stoat, if I'd but been allowed: a raving, doomed thing in the shape
of a woman! If only I could have shot her, and ended the whole misery!
It ought to be allowed. When a woman gets absolutely possessed by her
own will, her own will set against everything, then it's fearful, and
she should be shot at last.'

`And shouldn't men be shot at last, if they get possessed by their
own will?'

`Ay!---the same! But I must get free of her, or she'll be at me again.
I wanted to tell you. I must get a divorce if I possibly can. So we
must be careful. We mustn't really be seen together, you and I. I never,
never could stand it if she came down on me and you.'

Connie pondered this.

`Then we can't be together?' she said.

`Not for six months or so. But I think my divorce will go through in
September; then till March.'

`But the baby will probably be born at the end of February,' she said.