Desperate Housewives - Episode 04.03 - The Game

WISTERIA LANE - DAY

The street is filled with children riding their bikes and jumping rope on the sidewalk, and tossing a Frisbee.

"All children love to play games. But before they can race their bikes or jump their ropes or toss their frisbees, children must understand that they must first convince their friends to play along with them. They same is true for adults."

SUSAN'S KITCHEN

Susan is on the phone.

Susan: "Hi Gaby. I'm throwing a party Saturday night. Guess what kind?"

GABRIELLE'S KITCHEN

Gaby is on the phone.

Gabrielle: "A Charades party? Did you just throw one?"

Susan: "No, that was a year ago."

Gabrielle: "Oh, right, guess it's time for another one."

Susan: "Sure is. Can you come?"

Gabrielle: "Ahh. Sorry, Victor needs me at this political thing. Damn. Damn. Damn."

Susan: "Ahhh. You have to come. You're the best Charade's player I know."

LYNETTE'S LIVING ROOM

Lynette is lying on her couch on the phone.

Lynette: "That's sweet and totally accurate, but I'm really whipped from the Chemo so... Oh, there's my other line... can you ask me next time, okay Hon? Okay, bye."

Lynette hangs up and clicks to her other line.

Lynette: "Hello. Oh hey Bree. Ummm. What's up?"

BREE'S LIVING ROOM

Bree is on the phone.

Bree: "I stopped by Katherine's yesterday to get a recipe and you'll never guess what I over heard."

GABRIELLE'S EXERCISE ROOM

Gaby is on the treadmill.

Gabrielle: "She slapped her kid? No!"

Bree: "Yes. And get this. When Adam said Dylan would just keep asking questions, Katherine said, and I quote, 'Well, we're just going to have to find better lies.' Oh, hang on, I've got another call."

Gabrielle: "Don't answer it. It's Susan. She's hosting another game night."

Bree: "Another one? It's time for an anonymous letter."

Lynette at home, taking pills and talking on the phone.

Lynette: "Wait. Is Katherine going to Susan's charade night?"

Gabrielle: "Probably, why?"

Lynette: "We should go too. Get a few drinks in her, see if she loosens up."

Bree: "Well, I doubt a woman like Katherine is going to spill her secrets just because she's had a little wine."

Lynette: "I don't know. You came out with some interesting things before you swore off the sauce."

Bree: Well, none that I recall."

Lynette: "Did you tell me you lost your virginity in the back seat of a ......"

Bree: "Point well taken! I'll bring the wine."

Gabrielle talking on the phone.

Gabrielle: "Susan, good news! We can come to the party after all. Hey you know who else you should invite?"

Lynette talking on the phone.

Lynette: "Yeah, I am feeling much better so count me in. Will our new neighbor be coming?"

Bree talking on the phone.

Bree: "Of course! I love your charades parties. And I hope you're inviting that delightful Katherine Mayfair."

KATHERINE'S FRONT YARD

Katherine is watering her flowers as Susan walks up.

Susan: "So you were paid a very nice compliment today."

Katherine: "I was?"

Susan: "Yes. I am hosting a Charades party and all of my friends went out of their way to insist I invite you."

Katherine: "Really?"

BREE'S HOUSE

Bree is looking out her window at Katherine and Susan.

"Yes, not all adults like to play games..."

Katherine looks over and sees Bree looking out the window. Bree quickly back away.

"But the ones who do, play to win."

OPENING CREDITS

BREE'S KITCHEN

Stella is looking through a cookbook.

"Stella Winfield hated to cook. Still she spent that Friday morning grating cheese and greasing a pan and lying in macaroni. Because her eldest daughter was sick"

Stella brings a plate of macaroni outside to Lynette.

"And Stella could no longer sit by and do nothing."

Stella: "Lunchtime!"

Lynette: "Oh, no thanks."

Stella: "Oh come on, I made it for you special. You've gotta keep your strength up."

Lynette: "I appreciate the effort but I told you I can't keep anything down. And FYI, mac and cheese is halfway to vomit. You might as well have given me a plate of creamed corn."

Stella: "Are you taking the anti nausea drug?"

Lynette: "Yeah, I am taking it. It's just not working."

Stella: "Well, ah. I know something that might help your nausea and boost your appetite. Perhaps a little visit from my old friend, 'Mary Jane?"

Lynette: "You're suggesting Pot?"

Stella: "A lot of Chemo patients use it. Hell, I did! Come on. Let mama score you some kick ass chronic."

Lynette: "Kick Ass Chronic? Ah-huh. You're a grandmother. Shouldn't you be off somewhere knitting an afghan?"

Stella: "Just trying to ease your pain."

Lynette: "Well thanks. But I prefer not to get my medication from someone under a bridge."

Stella: "Suit yourself!"

SUSAN'S FRONT YARD

Susan is taking out the trash. She sees Mike in the garage making a baby crib.

Susan: "Hey, what's this?"

Mike: "A crib. And look. (raising the side of the crib) a safety latch. I figured if the baby takes after you, accident proof is key!"

Susan: "Honey, you know I'm still in my first trimester. Don't you think it's a little early to be making cribs?"

Mike: "Early would be painting this thing blue. But (Mike holds up a can of blue and a can of pink paint) I got both so we're covered either way."

Susan: "Great."

Mike: "And whether it's boy or a girl, (Mike attaches a football sticker on the crib) Colts fan. That's not negotiable."

Susan: "Umm. Bree's home, I'll be right back."

BREE'S DRIVEWAY

Bree and Orson get out of the car.

Orson: "Look sharp, Susan!"

Bree: "Guy, it's getting harder and harder to keep her at arm's length. I never knew she was such a hugger."

Orson: "Want me to run interference?"

Bree: "No, no, getting good at props."

Bree takes a bag of groceries as Susan approaches.

Bree: "Hey, Susan. What's up?"

Susan: "I need a favor. Um, I remember you mentioning that you liked your Obstetrician. Can I get his number?"

Bree: "I thought you were using Dr. Mayfair?"

Susan: "Yeah, I don't know. It's getting a little weird. You know Adam is my neighbor."

Bree: "Well you don't mind Orson being your dentist."

Susan: "Well that's because I don't blush when Orson says "open wide."

Bree: "You know, my OB is all they way across town. You just do not want to drive that far."

Susan: "Oh well, we could schedule our appointment together and carpool. You know, pregnant gals on the road."

Bree: "Ha ha ha. It does sound fun. But I don't think my doctor's taking on any new patients."

Susan: "Oh I'll talk him into it. What's his name?"

Bree: "I, um, don't remember."

Susan: "You don't remember?"

Bree: "You know, I usually just call him "doctor."

Susan: "Bree. Just get me the number."

BREE'S KITCHEN

Bree is thumbing through the yellow pages. She finds "Obstetricians" and grabs a paper and pen. She closes her eyes and pokes. She writes down the number she poked.

She takes it outside to Susan.

Bree: "Here you go, but please don't mention my name. As I said he's overbooked and I just don't want to get on his bad side."

Susan: "I'm so excited. Pregnant gals, sharing a doctor!"

She reaches out to hug Bree. Bree sneezes.

Susan: "Oh, bless you."

Bree: "Oh sorry. Probably just allergies but, you know you don't want to take any chances."

Susan covers her nose and mouth and runs away.

KATHERINE'S DRIVEWAY

Adam is outside washing the car. A young woman jogs up.

Woman: "Hey, can I get a drink?"

Adam: "Yeah, sure."

Young woman drinks from the hose.

Woman: "Thanks. By the way you missed a spot."

Adam: "Ah, thanks."

The young woman jogs away and suddenly the hose turns off. Adam turns to see why.

Katherine: "I'd say the car is clean enough."

Adam: "Katherine."

Katherine: "She seemed awfully friendly. Do you know her?"

Adam: "No, we said two words. She criticized my car wash."

Katherine: "Umm, it's funny. When I criticize you, you don't put on a big goofy grin!"

Adam: "You really need to stop this."

Katherine: "Given our history, shouldn't I be saying that to you."

Adam: "Katherine, I just can't not speak to women. I'm a Gynecologist for god's sake."

Katherine: "Yes, I know. But you don't have to bring your work home with you."

GABRIELLE'S HOUSE

Gabrielle is on the porch and watches Katherine drive away. She goes back in.

Gabrielle: "You leaving already?"

Carlos: (getting dressed) "Edie asked me to help her pick out a gift for her sister. So I gotta swing by the mall. When can I see you next?"

Gabrielle: "Well, Victor has a teacher's union thing on Thursday."

Carlos: "Guess I'll see you on Thursday."

Gabrielle: "Carlos, what's happening here with us? I mean why are we still sneaking around?"

Carlos: "You know exactly why."

Gabrielle: "Oh come on. Edie's recovered from her little suicide attempt. Don't you think it's time to move on?"

Carlos: "I've got some things going on and I need them to pay off before I can make a move. Really, I don't have a choice."

Gabrielle: "Okay, but if you did have a choice would it be a hard one? I mean, it's not like you're in love with Edie, is it?"

Carlos: "No, I don't love Edie. And I've got a plan to get her out of my life forever. Just give me two weeks. Okay?"

Gabrielle: "Bracelet's always nice. For Edie's sister."

Carlos: "Good idea."

WISTERIA LANE - DAY

Carlos sneaks out of the side gate of Gabrielle's house. Stella is at the side of Lynette's house talking to someone.

Stella: "Here's the thing. My daughter has Cancer. She is so nausea she stopped eating and I can't just stand by and watch her waste away. So I asked around and people thought you might be able to get me what I need. Follow my drift?"

Andrew: "Ahh. Yeah, you want me to score you some weed?"

Stella: "Best stuff you can get. Nothing's too good for my little girl.

Stella hands Andrew money.

BREE'S HOUSE

Orson walks into the bedroom.

Orson: "Darling?"

Bree: "What is it?"

Orson: "I don't want you to worry. I just got off the phone with the convent. It seems Danielle took a little spill."

Bree is talking on the phone.

Bree: "You're eight and a half months pregnant! What in heaven's name were you doing rollerblading?"

DANIELLE'S ROOM AT THE CONVENT

Danielle: "I'm bored. All I do is lay around."

Bree: "In your condition that's what you should be doing. And where on Earth did you get skates in a convent?"

Danielle: "I borrowed them from one of the eating disordered girls. They have got all the good exercise equipment."

Bree: "What if your recklessbehavior had hurt the baby?"

Danielle: "They are going to exam me. I'm sure the baby's fine."

Bree: "Yes, it is going to stay that way because I've instructed Sister Teresa to keep you sequestered in your room until the baby is born."

Danielle: "What am I supposed to do for fun. You won't even get me a DVD player."

Bree: "Well, I was hoping that you would use these last few weeks for reflection and personal growth."

Danielle: "I hate you."

Bree: "Clearly it would be time well spent."

LYNETTE'S KITCHEN

Lynette is reading a magazine, drinking water with plate of uneaten Lasagna next to her.

Tom: "How was the Lasagna?"

Stella: "Why don't you ask it yourself?"

Tom: "Honey."

Lynette: "Sorry."

Tom: "At least eat a little. We need you in fine form for Charade's tonight."

Lynette: "Yeah, about that. I don't think I'm gonna make it."

Tom: "You have to! You are the Charade's assassin! They still talk about the night you guessed the "Americanization of Emily' in fifteen seconds."

Lynette: "Twelve. That's my point. I'm undefeated. Why spoil my winningstreak when I'm not up to it."

Tom: "People know that you are sick. They don't expect you to be at your absolute best."

Doorbell rings.

Lynette: "Tom. Hair loss and constant nausea, those are inconveniences. Losing at charades to Susan Meyer, that is just flat out intolerable!"

Tom answers the door.

Tom: "Hey, Andrew."

Andrew: "Hey."

Tom: "What's up?"

Andrew: "Hey Mr. Scavo. A package for Lynette's mom got delivered to our house by mistake, so..."

Stella: (running up) "I've got it Tom. It's a pattern. I'm knitting Lynette an afghan."

SLEAZY DOCTOR'S OFFICE

Susan is looking through a very dirty fish tank with one dead fish floating on the top. Susan, careful not to touch anything, walks to one of the chairs. On the table is a bowl with a sign "free condoms, take one." Susan pulls a Kleenex out of her purse, puts it on the chair then sits down. A woman who looks like a streetwalker, watches her.

Susan: (to streetwalker) "A friend of mine recommended this place. It's not exactly what I expected. Must be one heck of a doctor though, huh?"

Streetwalker: "I don't know. I just come here to buy clean urine."

LYNETTE'S KITCHEN

All the kids are reaching for brownies on a plate on the table. Stella stops them.

Stella: "Shoo! Those are only for grownups."

Kayla: "But, why?"

Stella: "Because they have special medicine in them."

Porter: "Like the grown-up ice tea you always drink?"

Stella: "Similar! How bout some ice cream instead? And you can watch TV until your eyes fall out."

All Kids: "Yeah!"

They all run off but Stella stops Parker.

Stella: "You! Stay! Grandma needs a favor. And you've got just the face for it."

LYNETTE'S BEDROOM

A very sick looking Lynette is lying in bed. Parker comes in with a plate of brownies.

Lynette: "Wow, Sweetie, those really look delicious but I just don't feel like eating right now."

Parker: "Just one, Mom? I made them special. Just for you."

Lynette takes one and bites into it as Stella sneaks a peek from the doorway.

Lynette: "This really is delicious."

KATHERINE'S HOME

Katherine is getting ready to go out.

Katherine: "And if there's an emergency you can reach me on my cell phone."

Adam: "Or just walk across the street. Have fun girls, don't do anything I would do."

Adam and Katherine leave. Julie and Dillon are studying.

Julie: "Adam seems really laid back."

Dillon: "Yeah, he's pretty cool. Course everyone seems cool compared to 'robo-mom."

Julie: 'Hey, you never told me. What happened when you asked her about your real dad?"

Dillon: "She freaked out. Just like I thought. She wouldn't tell me anything."

Julie: "Well, there are other ways to find things out. Does your Mom keep any old papers? You know, letters, diaries?"

Dillon: "No that she shows me. There's stuff in the storage room upstairs but it's locked so forget about it."

Julie: "What kind of lock is it?"

SUSAN'S HOUSE - CHARADE NIGHT

A frantic Mike opens the door.

Mike: "Oh, come on in, I was hoping you were Susan."

Bree and Orson come in with wine.

Bree: "She's not here?"

Mike: "No and she's not answering her cell phone."

Orson: "Where is she?"

Mike: "Well she had an appointment with this new Obstetrician over on River Street. She should be here by now."

Orson: (to Bree) "Why would she see a doctor over there? That's a terrible neighborhood."

Bree: "It is?"

Orson: "Yes, don't you remember that's where they murdered those two prostitutes last year."

Bree: (Worried) "We should help Mike with the food."

Front door opens. Adam and Katherine enter.

Adam: "Knock, knock!"

Katherine: "We're here."

Bree: "Oh good, Katherine I was hoping we would get a chance to chat. (whispering to Orson as she hands the wine to him) Open this Now!"

EDIE'S HOUSE

Edie comes downstairs all dressed up.

Edie: "Oh, Susan's parties are always such a snooze fest. The only thing people will be miming is "get me the hell out of here."

Carlos: "Aren't you overdressed for charades?"

Edie: "Well I thought that I would look nice. Just in case we decide to ... well, I don't know... announce our engagement."

Carlos: "We're not announcing anything. It's Susan and Mike's party. I don't want to make it all about us."

Edie: "You're right, Darling. I may drop a few hints though."

Carlos: "Edie, let me be clear on this! You are not to tell anyone about our engagement! Got it?"

Edie: "Fine, I won't say a word."

Carlos walks out the door. Edie pulls a diamond ring out of her purse and puts it on. She puts her ring hand in her coat pocket and follows Carlos out.

WISTERIA LANE - NIGHT

Gabrielle and Victor are walking to Susan's house. Victor is looking at his cell phone.

Victor: "Oh, this is fantastic! You know Edward Ferber?"

Gabrielle: "Ummm."

Victor: "State Senator."

Gabrielle: "Yes."

Victor: "His wife just got picked up for shop lifting."

Gabrielle: "Why is that fantastic?"

Victor: "Cause he was making noises about going against me for Governor. I guess 'light finger' Mrs. Ferber just put and end to that."

Gabrielle: "Why? It's not like he shop lifted."

Victor: "It doesn't matter, it's a scandal. You know what they do to poll numbers."

Gabrielle: "Oh, that's right. I was reading about that in Politics' boring magazine."

Victor: "I'm just glad I don't have to worry about you pulling crap like that."

Gabrielle: "Yeah, you're lucky."

Carlos and Edie arrive at the same time as Gabrielle and Victor.

INSIDE SUSAN'S HOUSE

Tom and Orson are gathered around a buffet table

Orson: "Where's Lynette? She's usually your charades' MVP."

Tom: "Ahh, she wasn't feeling so well, but you are still going down, Mister!"

Orson: "It's just a game. Tom. A game you wish you'd never played."

Gabrielle walks up to Bree and Katherine.

Bree: "Oh hi, Gaby. Katherine and I were just talking about the old days. So when you were living with your Aunt was Dillon's father with you?"

Katherine: "No, just me and Dillon."

Gabrielle: "Where you widowed or divorced?

Katherine: "Actually I prefer not to discuss my first marriage, if you don't mind."

Bree: "Oh well we certainly didn't mean to pry. Let me just tinge that up for you. "

Bree pours more wine into Katherine cup as Edie walks in removing her coat.

Edie: "Hello, all. It's so nice to see you."

Edie reaches for her eye as though something is in it.

Edie: "Oh no! My contact slipped."

Bree: "Edie, is that an engagement ring?"

Edie: "Oh, shoot! Pretend you didn't see that. I promised my fiancée that I wouldn't say a word until the official announcement."

Gabrielle: "Excuse me."

Gabrielle puts her drink down and turns. She walks away as Susan walks in.

Susan: "Gaby! Sorry I'm late. (to Katherine) Oh my god, you made it! That is such a beautiful dress. We're going to have so much fun! (Grabs Bree's arm) You! Come with me!"

Susan drags Bree out of the room.

SUSAN'S FRONT PORCH

Carlos and Gabrielle are talking.

Gabrielle: "She's got a ring!"

Carlos: "What?"

Gabrielle: "Edie! She's wearing a big honking engagement ring the size of a peach pit!"

Carlos: "Hey, I didn't get her a ring!"

Gabrielle: "Oh, so you're not engaged?"

Carlos: "Well, see, here's the thing."

Gabrielle: "Oh, you gotta be kidding me!"

Carlos: "Let me explain!"

Gabrielle: "I'm done with your explanations and I'm done with 'just give me two more weeks, baby.' Whatever games you're playing, I'm sick of it! We're through!"

Carlos: "So you're just gonna go live happily ever after with Victor, huh?"

Gabrielle: "You think Victor's my only option? Well I got news for you Carlos, I can have any guy I want. Because this ... waits for no man!"

Gabrielle walks back into the house. Edie is at the buffet table eating when Carlos walks up.

Carlos: "You bought yourself an engagement ring?"

Edie: "It's been three days, Carlos, how long was I supposed to wait?"

Carlos: "You agreed not to say anything!"

Edie: "Ah, but I didn't agree not to wear anything. Don't worry it wasn't expensive. You can pay me back later."

Carlos: "Count on it."

SUSAN'S KITCHEN

Susan is at her sink scrubbing her arms.

Susan: "And the whole time, I just kept thinking this is Bree's doctor. Bree recommended him. He must be the best! So I didn't worry when it was between the 'Needles Only" and Transvestite bookstore. And I ignored that my shoes stuck to the floor and there was a cigarette machine in the waiting room. But when I saw the ant traps on his speculum tray, I thought that you and I should have a talk!"

Bree: "Oh Susan, I am so sorry. And of course I will pay for the slashed tire and the stolen cell phone."

Susan: 'That is not the point! Why would you send me to someone who is obviously not your doctor?"

Bree: "I can't tell you."

Susan "Why not?"

Bree: "It's private."

Susan: "You know what else is private? The parts of me I'm pretty sure he snapped with his camera phone. I have a party to throw. I will deal with you later."



SUSAN'S BACK ROOM

Carlos is on the phone.

Carlos: "Look she is totally out of control. I need her taken care of.

AL'S OFFICE

Al: "Fine, I'll see what I can do."

Carlos hangs up and walks back into the party. Gabrielle saunters up to Adam.

Gabrielle: "Adam, I feel the tag on my dress sticking out and I can't reach it. Do you mind?"

Adam: "Oh sure."

Adam tucks in the tag as Carlos watches.

Adam: "Here you go."