818 The One In Massapequa

[Scene: Central Perk, everyone is there.]

Phoebe: Oh, Ross, Mon, is it okay if I bring someone to your parent's anniversary party?

Monica: Yeah.

Ross: Sure. Yeah.

Joey: So, who's the guy?

Phoebe: Well, his name is Parker and I met him at the drycleaners.

Chandler: Oooh, did he put a little starch in your bloomers? (Sits up) Who said that?

Phoebe: Yeah, he's really great though. He has this incredible zest for life, and he treats me like a queen, except at night when he treats me like the naughty girl I am.

Monica: (To Ross) Oh, by the way. Would it be okay if I gave the toast to mom and dad this year?

Ross: Uh, yeah, you sure you want to after what happened at their 20^th?

Monica: Yeah, I'd really like to.

Ross: Okay, hopefully this time mom won't boo you.

Monica: Yes! Every year Ross makes the toast, and it's always really moving, and always makes them cry. Well this year I'm going to make them cry.

Chandler: And you wonder why Ross is their favorite?

Monica: No! Really! Any time Ross makes a toast everyone cries, and hugs him, and pats him on the back and they all come up to me and say, "God, your brother." Know what they'll say this year? "God, you"

Joey: Well I can promise you, at least one person will be crying. (Points to himself) I'm an actor, and any actor worth himself can cry on cue. (snaps fingers)

Monica: Really you can do that?

Joey: Are you kidding me? Watch! (Makes funny faces trying to cry) Well I can't do it with you guys watching me!

Opening Credits

[Scene: Chandler and Monica's, they're getting ready to leave for the party.]

Chandler: What are you doing?

Monica: Oh I'm working on my toast for the party, or as I like to call it. Sob fest 2002. Hey check this out. (Hands him a picture.)

Chandler: It's a dog.

Monica: It's a dead dog. That's Chi-Chi; she died when I was in high school.

Chandler: It's your parents' anniversary and you're going to talk about their dead pet?

Monica: The good stuff, huh?

(Ross, Joey, and Rachel enter)

Rachel: Hi!

Ross: Hey!

Joey: Hey!

Monica: You got a present for my parents. That's so sweet.

Joey: Yeah, yeah, in honor of their 35^thweddinganniversary, I had a star named after them.

Ross: Aww that is so cool.

Joey: And I got them a book on Karma Sutra for the elderly.

Rachel: Hey, do you guys have any extra ribbon?

Chandler: Yeah, sure. What do you need? We got lace, satin, sateen, raffia, gingham, felt, (Pause) and I think my testacles may be in here too.

Ross: (picking up Chi-Chi's picture) Aww! Chi-Chi! Oh, I loved this dog! Y'know Monica couldn't get braces because Chi-Chi needed knee surgery.

Monica: What?!

Ross: You were the 200-pound 11-year-old who rode her!

(Phoebe and Parker enter)

Phoebe: Hey!

All: Hi!

Phoebe: Everybody, this is Parker, Parker this is...

Parker: No, no, no wait! Don't tell me. Let me guess. (Points as he says their names) Joey, Monica, Ross, Rachel and, I'm sorry Phoebe didn't mention you. (Chandler makes a face) Chandler, I'm kidding all ready you're my favorite!

Chandler: Ha!

Parker: Why don't all of you tell me a little about your self?

Ross: Ah, actually, I'm sorry we-we probably should get going.

Parker: (laughs) Classic Ross. Rachel, Rachel, oh how you glow. May I? (Puts hand on her stomach)

Rachel: I, uh, think you already are.

Parker: Rachel, you have life growing inside you. Is there anything in this world more miraculous than-Oh a picture of a dog! Whose is this?

Monica: That's my old dog. He passed away years ago.

Parker: Oh well, at least you were lucky to have him. Bow-wow old friend, bow-wow. So where's the party?

Monica: It's out on the island. It's in Massapequa.

Parker: Maaaassapequa, sounds like a magical place. Tell me about Massapequa, is it steep in Native American history? {Transcriber's Note: Interestingly Alec Baldwin was born in Massapequa.}

Ross: Well, there is an Arby's in the shape of a tee-pee.

Monica: Okay, I got my note cards. (To Chandler) Do you got the presents?

Chandler: Yeah.

Monica: And I've got the car keys.

Parker: We're driving!?

Monica: Yeah.

Parker: Aces!

(Everyone except Ross and Rachel leave.)

Ross: So uh, he seems like a nice guy.

Rachel: Yeah, yeah I like him a lot.

Ross: Ya wanna hang back and take our own cab?

Rachel: Yeah, otherwise I'm not going.

[Scene: The Anniversary Party, Ross and Rachel are arriving and see his parents.]

Mr. and Mrs. Geller: Hi

Ross: Hi! (Kisses his mom.) Hey mom.

Rachel: This is such a great party! 35 years. Very impressive, do you guys have any pearls of wisdom?

Mrs. Geller: Jack?

Mr. Geller: Why would you serve food on such a sharp stick? (Looking a toothpick)

Ross: That's a good question, dad. That's a good question...

Rachel: Hmmm....

Woman: (To Ross and Rachel) Congratulations you two!

Rachel: Thank you...we're so excited

Woman: And also, congratulations on your wedding.

Ross: Wha-What?

Mrs. Geller: Can we talk to you for just a y'know... It's just a little thing. Well we think it's absolutelymarvelous that you're having this baby out of wedlock, some of our friends are less open-minded. Which is why we've told them all that you're married.

Ross and Rachel: What?!

Mrs. Geller: Thanks for going along with this.

Ross: Dad so what we have to pretend that we're married?

Mr. Geller: Son, I had to shave my ears for tonight. You can do this.

Ross: Can you believe that?

Rachel: Yeah, if you're going to do the ears, you might as well take a pass at the nosal area.

Ross: No, us having to lie about being married.

Rachel: No, I know I don't either, but ya know what, it's their party, and it's just one night. And we don't even have to lie; we just won't say anything. If it comes up again, we'll just...smile. We'll nod along.

Woman: Ross!

Man: Rachel!

Ross: Hi Aunt Lisa, Uncle Dan

Aunt Lisa: Congratulations on the baby, and on the wedding

Ross and Rachel: Hmmmm....

Uncle Dan: Here's a little something to get you started. (Hands them a check)

Rachel: Oh...

Aunt Lisa: So, how's married life treating you?

Rachel: (looking at the check) Unbelievable!

Ross: We love marriage!

Aunt Lisa: Great!

(The rest of the gang arrives including Parker.)

Ross: Hey

Phoebe: Hey!

Parker: What a beautiful place. What a great night! I have to tell you, being here with all of you in Event Room C...I feel so lucky. I think of all the good times that have happened here. The birthdays, the proms, the mitzvahs both bar and bat, but none of them will compare with tonight! My God, I don't want to forget this moment! It's like I want to take a mental picture of you all! Click! (He takes a mental picture of them all.)

Chandler: I don't think the flash went off.

Parker: Dahaaa! (Punches Chandler in the arm and he makes a face of pain.) I'm going to find the men's room, be right back.

Phoebe: I'll go with you

Parker: Come on!

Chandler: Somewhere there is someone with a tranquilizer gun and a huge butterfly net looking for that man.

Joey: I have to go to the bathroom too, but I don't want him complimenting my thing.

Ross: I'm so we weren't in the car! Did he ever let up?

Monica: He called the Long Island Expressway a concrete miracle.

Ross: (imitating Parker) This room! This night! That waiter! His shoes! I must take a mental picture! (He backs into someone.) Ooh sorry...(He looks behind him then notices its Phoebe then stops his impression.)

Phoebe: Were you guys making fun of Parker?

Ross: That depends, how much did you hear?

Phoebe: So, he a little enthusiastic, what's wrong with that?

Monica: It's just that, it's so much.

Phoebe: Well, so what I like him! Do I make fun of the people you've dated? Tag, Janice, Mona? No, because friends don't do that. But, do you want my opinion? Do you want it? 'Cause in my opinion, your collective dating record reads like the who's who of human crap. (Walks off)

Monica: I feel terrible.

Joey: I know

Ross: What was wrong with Mona?

Commercial Break

[Scene: The Anniversary Party, Ross and Rachel have just gotten another wedding present.]

Rachel: Open it! Open it! Open it!

Ross: Yeah baby!

Man: So we never got to hear about your wedding!

Woman: We were surprise that we weren't invited.

Ross: No, no, it was just our parents and 1 or 2 friends. It was a small wedding.

Rachel: But it was beautiful. I mean it was small, but kind of spectacular.

Man: Where did you have it?

Rachel: On a cliff, in Barbados, at sunset, and Stevie Wonder sang Isn't She Lovely as I walked down the aisle.

Woman: Really?

Rachel: Yeah, Stevie's an old family friend. (Hits Ross's chest)

Woman: Oh my God. That sounds amazing. I would love to see pictures.

Rachel: So would I. You wouldn't think that Annie Liebawitz would forget to put film in the camera.

Ross: Would you excuse us for a second? (Pulls Rachel off to the side) Umm.... what are you doing?

Rachel: What? I'm not you. This may be the only wedding I ever have. I want it to be amazing.

Ross: Okay, okay. Ooooh, ooh maybe I rode in on a Harley.

Rachel: Okay, Ross, it has to be realistic.

(Cut to Phoebe and Parker)

Parker: Are you okay? You seem kind of quiet.

Phoebe: No, I'm fine. I'm great. I'm with you.

Parker: And I'm with you! What a great time to be alive! Look at this plate-bouncy thing. (Bounces the plates) What an inspired solution to man's plate dispensing problems.

Phoebe: Hm huh, yeah.

Parker: Ah! Oysters! Let me feed you one.

Phoebe: No, that's not necessary.

Parker: Please.

Phoebe: No, actually I don't eat...

Parker: I won't quit until you try.

Phoebe: Okay, fine! Fine! (Takes the oyster and pretends to eat it while dropping it on the floor) Mmm...hmmmmm....

Parker: What are they like? I've never had one.

Phoebe: Why don't you just try one?

Parker: No, they look too weird.

(Cut to Monica and Chandler)

Chandler: What are you doin'?

Monica: Just going over my toast. Those two will never know what hit 'em. I can't wait. They're going to be crying so hard. They're going to be fighting for breath.

Chandler: Ya know if you want to, I can just hold them down and you could (Punches the air).

(Cut to Rachel and Ross)

Rachel: And my veil was lace, made by blind, Belgium nuns.

Woman: Blind?

Rachel: Well, not at first, but it was very intricate work and they said even though they lost their sight, it was all worth it.

Aunt Lisa: I'll bet you looked beautiful...

Rachel: Well, I don't know about that, but some said that I looked like a floating angel.

Woman: (To Ross) So, how did you propose?

Rachel: Oh yeah. That's a great story.

Ross: Well, um, actually, I-I took her to the planetarium. That's-that's where we had our first date. Um, she walked in and I had the room filled with lilies, her favorite flower...

Aunt Lisa: Oh that is so sweet!

Rachel: Shhh! I want to hear the rest!

Ross: Then, Fred Astaire singing The Way You Look Tonight came on the sound system, and the lights came down. And I got down on one knee and written across the dome in the stars were the words "Will you marry me?"

(Various oohs and ahhs)

Rachel: And the ring, was the size of my fist (makes a fist)!

(Cut to Phoebe and Joey)

Joey: Yeah uh, Phoebe! Look umm, I want to apologize about before, okay? We were being jerks. Parker's a nice guy and I'd like to get to know him.

Phoebe: Then you better do it now.

Joey: Why?

Phoebe: Because I'm going to kill him

Joey: What-what?

Phoebe: You guys were right. He's just too excited about...everything. I mean I'm all for living life, but this is the Geller's 35^thanniversary. Okay? Let's call a spade a spade this party stinks.

Joey: I know I'm having the worst time. There was a 15-minute line for the buffet, and when I finally got up to the plates, I slipped on a giant booger!

Phoebe: Are you sure it wasn't an oyster?

Joey: I guess it could've been, I didn't really look at it. Y'know, I just wiped it on Chandler's coat and got the hell out of there.

Phoebe: He's just such a great guy I'm so excited about him.

Joey: Oh hey, you should be excited about him. There's nothing wrong with him he's a good guy.

Phoebe: You think?

Joey: Yeah. Ya know what I think; I think we were all just being too negative.

Phoebe: You're right. You're right, he's just embracing life. We could all stand to be a little more like Parker. You know what? I am like him! I'm a sunny, positive person.

Joey: Actually, you have a little bit of an edge.

Phoebe: What's that now?

Joey: Nothing...

Phoebe: Oh look it's Parker!

Parker: Look! It's the bunny hop!

Phoebe: Oooh I love it!

Parker: You do?!

Phoebe: Are you kidding? People acting like animals to music. Come on!

(Cut to Monica, at the microphone)

Monica: Okay it's time for the toast! Umm now-now, I know that Ross usually gives the toast, but this year I'm going to do it.

(Everyone sighs)

Monica: No, no it's going to be great. Really! Mom, Dad, when I got married, one of the things that made me sure I could do it was the amazing example the two of you set for me. For that and so many other things I want to say thank you. I know I probably don't say it enough, but I love you. (Pretends to cry hoping her parents will join her.) When I look around this room, I'm-I'm saddened by the thought of those who could not be here with us. Nana, my belovedgrandmother who would so want to be here, but she can't because she's dead. As is our dog Chi-Chi. I mean look how cute she is. (Holds up the picture and pretends to cry again). Was. (To an old man by the stage.) Do me a favor and pass this to my parents. Remember she's dead. Okay, her and Nana, gone. Wow! Hey does anybody remember when Debra Winger had to say goodbye to her children in Terms of Endearment? (Chandler covers his ears) Didn't see that? No movie fans?! You want to hear something sad? The other day I was watching 60 Minutes these orphans in Romania, who have been so neglected, they were incapable of love. (Waits for people to cry, but doesn't get any tears.) You people are made of stone! Here's to mom and dad! Whatever!

Mrs. Geller: Thank you Monica that was uh, interesting. Wasn't it interesting, Jack?

Mr. Geller: (looking at the picture) Why don't I remember this dog?

Mrs. Geller: Ross, why don't you give us your toast now?

Ross: Oh, no, Mom, it's just Monica this year.

Mrs. Geller: You're not going to say anything? On our 35^thweddinganniversary

Ross: No, of course, Um... Um, everybody? Um, I-I just wanted to say...on behalf of my new bride, Rachel (She turns around and smiles), and myself. Umm, that if...if in 35 years, we're half as happy as you guys are, we'll count ourselves the luckiest people in the world.

Mrs. Geller: (crying) Oh Ross...

Mr. Geller: I just wish Nana were alive to hear Ross's toast.

[Scene: Phoebe's apartment, Parker and her are entering.]

Parker: My God what a fantastically well lit hallway!

Phoebe: Can I get you something to drink? Like a water and Valium?

Parker: I must say this apartment, its, its, There are no words...

Phoebe: Oh thank God.

Parker: It's a haven. A third-floor paradise. A modern-day Eden in the midst...

Phoebe: Yeah? I know! I know! Uh huh? Listen why don't we just um, sit and relax? You know just be with each other. Quietly!

Parker: That sounds great. (Sits down) My God this is the most comfortable couch I've ever sat on in my entire life. (Bounces on couch)

Phoebe: Let's try something else, let's play a game.

Parker: I love games!

Phoebe: Shocking! Let's play the game of who can stay quiet the longest. (Giggles)

Parker: Or...Jenga.

Phoebe: But, let's play this one first. And remember whoever talks first loses!

(They sit back)

Parker: I lose, now Jenga.

Phoebe: Oh my God! Oh my God!

Parker: Is something wrong?

Phoebe: Wrong? Really? You know the word wrong. Everything isn't perfect? Everything isn't magical? Everything isn't a glow with the light of a million fairies? They were just brake lights, Parker!

Parker: Well, excuse me for putting a good spin on a traffic jam!

Phoebe: You don't have to put a good spin on everything.

Parker: I'm sorry that's who I am. I'm a positive person.

Phoebe: No! I am a positive person. You are like Santa Clause on Prozac, at Disneyland, getting laid!

Parker: So what do you want me to do, you want me to be more negative, less happy?

Phoebe: Much less happy!

Parker: Fine! Well then to quote Ross, "I'd better be going."

Phoebe: So long! Don't let the best door in the world hit you in the ass on your way out! (He exits and she slams the door behind him.)

(There's a knock on door, and Phoebe opens it.)

Parker: Isn't this the most incredible fight you've ever had in your entire life?

Phoebe: Uh huh. (Closes door)

[Scene: Ross and Rachel's, they're returning from the party.]

Ross: ...and then, we could've gone from the ceremony to the reception with you in the sidecar!

Rachel: Ross, it just wouldn't have been feasible.

Ross: But having a dove place the ring on your finger would've been no problem?

Rachel: It was really fun being married to you tonight.

Ross: Yeah! And! And, it was the easiest 400 bucks I've ever made.

Rachel: Okay Ross, can I uh, can I ask you something?

Ross: Yeah.

Rachel: That proposal, at the planetarium...

Ross: I know, I know it was stupid.

Rachel: Are you kidding?! With the, with the lilies, and-and the song, and the stars! It was...really wonderful! Did you just make that up?

Ross: No, actually I thought about it when, when we were going out. It's how I imagined I uh, I would ask you to marry me.

Rachel: Well, that would've been very hard to say no too.

Ross: It's a good thing I didn't do it, because it sounds like it would've been a very expensivewedding. (Rachel laughs) Okay, good night

Rachel: Goodnight

(They go off to their bedrooms)

Ross: Even if the sidecar had a windscreen so your hair wouldn't get messed up?

Rachel: I will think about it.

Ross: That's all I'm askin'

Ending Credits

[Scene: Central Perk, Ross and Monica are there.]

Monica: Okay that's it. I give up. At mom and dad's 40^thanniversary, you're the one giving the speech.

Ross: Y'know I don't understand why they didn't cry. It was a beautiful speech.

Monica: Oh, come on.

Ross: Hey! All that stuff you said about true love, you were right, I mean, we did learn a lot from Mom and Dad! And that picture of Chi-Chi with her mischievous grin. And what you said about Nana. Ohh, yeah she really would've wanted to be there. And you know what? I think she was.

Monica: (starts to cry) Oh good God, Ross! How the hell do you do it?

End

818 Geller夫妇的结婚纪念日

噢, 罗斯, 莫,

我可以带个朋友去参加

你父母的结婚纪念派对吗?

当然可以.

可以啊, 真的.

那人是谁啊?

那个嘛, 他的名字叫Parker

我在洗衣店认识他的.

噢, 他给你洗内裤吗?

谁乱说话?

不是, 他实在太完美了.

他很会说话了.

而且对我象是对待女王一样.

除了半夜里 他当我是坏女孩.

噢, 顺便一提.

今年可以让我在宴会里说敬酒辞吗?

呃, 好啊.

你确定吗 你还记得在他们

20周年那次发生的事吗?

是的, 我实在很想这样做.

好的.

希望这次妈妈会给你面子吧.

好!

每年都是罗斯说敬酒辞,

而每次他都说的很让人感动落泪.

所以今年, 我会让人们也哭起来的.

你, 你是想知道为什么

他们都这么喜欢罗斯吗?

不是, 其实是, 每次罗斯说敬酒辞

每人都哭起来,拥抱他,轻拍他的后背

还过来跟我说

天啊, 你的哥....

你知道他们今年会说什么吗?

天啊, 你....

是了, 我保证你至少能让一个人哭起来.

你要知道, 我是个专业演员

所有演员都能在自我暗示下哭起来.

真的吗, 你能做得到?

噢, 你跟我开玩笑吗?

看着.

你们这样看着我 我哭不出来的.

你在做什么?

噢, 我在做派对的祝酒辞练习.

我想可以称之为

哭泣节日2002.

嘿, 你看这个.

是条狗.

这是一条死掉了的狗.

她叫Chi-Chi.

她在我高中的时候死掉了.

在你父母的结婚纪念日里

你想谈他们死去的宠物?

很不错吧, 呵?

嗨.

嘿.

噢, 乔伊, 你买了礼物给我父母吗?

真是体贴呢.

是啊, 是啊, 你看.

为了他们35周年结婚纪念日

我给他们命名了一颗星星.

噢, 很不错呢.

还有 因为他们的年老

我给他们买了情爱宝典.

嘿, 谁有多余的彩带啊?

噢, 当然有啊.

你要哪种?

我们有, 蕾丝的, 绸缎的, 丝质的?

麻质花格布, 毡质的...

我想我的睾丸也在里面.

噢, 是Chi-Chi.

噢, 我很喜欢这只狗的.

你知道吗, 呃, 那时Chi-Chi要

做腿部手术让莫尼卡很不安.

噢.

什么?

她受伤是因为你这11岁,

200磅重的小孩骑在她上面.

嘿.

大伙, 他是Parker.

Parker, 这是...

不, 不, 等等, 不要告诉我.

我猜猜看.

乔伊, 莫尼卡

罗斯, 瑞秋, 还有...

对不起, 菲比没有提起过你.

钱德! 我开玩笑的.

你是我最喜欢的一个.

不如你们向我介绍一下自己吧?

呃, 其实, 很抱歉.

我们快到时间出发了.

典型的罗斯性格.

瑞秋

瑞秋, 让我看看长多大了.

可以吗?

那个... 我想你已经摸着了.

瑞秋, 有个小生命在你体内成长着.

这个世界上还有比这更不可思议的...

噢, 一张狗的照片.

这是谁?

那是我以前的狗. 他死去多年了.

噢, 这样啊, 但至少你有幸能拥有过他.

汪汪, 老朋友.

汪汪.

那, 宴会在哪里开?

在一个小岛上.

在Massapequa那里.

Mmmm-assapequa.

听起来好象是个很神奇的地方呢.

可以介绍一下Massapequa这地方吗.

是个历史悠久的地方吗?

是个帐篷形状的Arby.

好了, 我拿了演讲的笔记纸.

呃, 你拿了礼物吗?

是的.

还有 拿了车钥匙.

我们要开车去吗?

没错.

正点!

呃, 他看起来是个不错的家伙嘛.

是啊, 是啊.

我很喜欢他.

你想要走慢一点

我们自己开车去吗?

好啊, 要不, 我们不要去算了.

噢!

嘿!

你神采飞扬呢.

嘿, 妈.

这个宴会太棒了.

35年.

太感人了.

有什么经验和秘诀吗?

Jack?

为什么要用这么尖的竹签来穿食物呢?

问的很好, 爸.

真是个很好的问题.

恭喜你们两个.

噢, 谢谢.

噢, 谢谢.

真是太好了.

还有, 也恭喜你们俩结婚了.

什么?

我们可以过去聊聊吗?

好啊.

只是一点小事情.

我们都认为不结婚生小孩

不是什么值得大惊小怪的事...

但我们的一些朋友并不那么开明.

我们已经告诉他们你俩结婚了.

什么?!

什么?!

谢谢你们听完我说.

妈... 爸, 什么啊?

我们要假装已经结婚了?!

孩子, 我今晚要把耳朵割掉.

你也可以.

你相信吗?

是啊, 我明白.如果你要割掉耳朵

你就只能靠嗅觉生活了.