What is there then?
STREPSIADES
The Whirlwind has
driven out Zeus and is King now.
PHIDIPPIDES
What drivel!
STREPSIADES
You must realize that it is true.
PHIDIPPIDES
And who says so?
STREPSIADES
Socrates, the Melian, and Chaerephon, who knows how to
measure the
jump of a flea.
PHIDIPPIDES
Have you reached such a pitch of
madness that you believe those
bilious fellows?
STREPSIADES
Use better language, and do not
insult men who are clever and full
of
wisdom, who, to economize, never shave, shun the gymnasia and never
go to the baths, while you, you only await my death to eat up my
wealth. But come, come as quickly as you can to learn in my stead.
PHIDIPPIDES
And what good can be
learnt of them?
STREPSIADES
What good indeed? Why, all human knowledge. Firstly, you will know
yourself grossly
ignorant. But await me here awhile.
(He goes back into his house.)
PHIDIPPIDES
Alas! what is to be done? Father has lost his wits. Must I have
him certificated for lunacy, or must I order his coffin?
STREPSIADES (returning with a bird in each hand)
Come! what kind of bird is this? Tell me.
PHIDIPPIDES
A pigeon.
STREPSIADES
Good! And this female?
PHIDIPPIDES
A pigeon.
STREPSIADES
The same for both? You make me laugh! In the future you must
call this one a pigeonnette and the other a pigeon.
PHIDIPPIDES
A pigeonnette! These then are the fine things you have just
learntat the school of these sons of Earth!
STREPSIADES
And many others; but what I
learnt I forgot at once, because I
am to old.
PHIDIPPIDES
So this is why you have lost your cloak?
STREPSIADES
I have not lost it, I have consecrated it to Philosophy.
PHIDIPPIDES
And what have you done with your sandals, you poor fool?
STREPSIADES
If I have lost them, it is for what was necessary, just as
Pericles did. But come, move yourself, let us go in; if necessary,
do wrong to obey your father. When you were six years old and still
lisped, I was the one who obeyed you. I remember at the feasts of Zeus
you had a consuming wish for a little
chariot and I bought it for
you with the first obolus which I received as a juryman in the courts.
PHIDIPPIDES
You will soon
repent of what you ask me to do.
STREPSIADES
Oh! now I am happy! He obeys. (loudly) Come, Socrates, come!
Come out quick! Here I am bringing you my son; he refused, but I
have persuaded him.
SOCRATES
Why, he is but a child yet. He is not used to these baskets, in
which we
suspend our minds.
PHIDIPPIDES
To make you better used to them, I would you were hung.
STREPSIADES
A curse upon you! you
insult your master!
SOCRATES
"I would you were hung!" What a
stupid speech! and so emphatically
spoken! How can one ever get out of an
accusation with such a tone,
summon witnesses or touch or
convince? And yet when we think,
Hyperbolus
learnt all this for one talent!
STREPSIADES
Rest
undisturbed and teach him. He has a most intelligent
nature. Even when quite little he amused himself at home with making
houses,
carving boats, constructing little
chariots of leather, and
understood
wonderfully how to make frogs out of pomegranate rinds.
Teach him both methods of
reasoning, the strong and also the weak,
which by false arguments
triumphs over the strong; if not the two,
at least the false, and that in every possible way.
SOCRATES
The Just and Unjust Discourse themselves shall
instruct him. I
shall leave you.
STREPSIADES
But forget it not, he must always, always be able to confound
the true.
(Socrates enters the Thoughtery; a moment later the JUST and the
UNJUST DISCOURSE come out; they are quarrelling violently.)
JUST DISCOURSE
Come here! Shameless as you may be, will you dare to show your
face to the spectators?
UNJUST DISCOURSE
Take me where you will. I seek a
throng, so that I may the
better
annihilate you.
JUST DISCOURSE
Annihilate me! Do you forget who you are?
UNJUST DISCOURSE
I am Reasoning.
JUST DISCOURSE
Yes, the weaker Reasoning."
UNJUST DISCOURSE
But I
triumph over you, who claim to be the stronger.
JUST DISCOURSE
By what
cunning shifts, pray?
UNJUST DISCOURSE
By the
invention of new maxims.
JUST DISCOURSE
.... which are received with favour by these fools.
(He points to the audience.)
UNJUST DISCOURSE
Say rather, by these wise men.
JUST DISCOURSE
I am going to destroy you mercilessly.
UNJUST DISCOURSE
How pray? Let us see you do it.
JUST DISCOURSE
By
saying what is true.
UNJUST DISCOURSE
I shall
retort and shall very soon have the better of you.
First,
maintain that justice has no existence.
JUST DISCOURSE
Has no existence?
UNJUST DISCOURSE
No existence! Why, where is it?
JUST DISCOURSE
With the gods.
UNJUST DISCOURSE
How then, if justice exists, was Zeus not put to death for
having put his father in chains?
JUST DISCOURSE
Bah! this is enough to turn my stomach! A basin, quick!
UNJUST DISCOURSE
You are an old driveller and
stupid withal.
JUST DISCOURSE
And you a
degenerate and shameless fellow.
UNJUST DISCOURSE
Hah! What sweet expressions!
JUST DISCOURSE
An
impious buffoon.
UNJUST DISCOURSE
You crown me with roses and with lilies.
JUST DISCOURSE
A parricide.
UNJUST DISCOURSE
Why, you
shower gold upon me.
JUST DISCOURSE
Formerly it was a hailstorm of blows.
UNJUST DISCOURSE
I deck myself with your abuse.
JUST DISCOURSE
What impudence!
UNJUST DISCOURSE
What tomfoolery!
JUST DISCOURSE
It is because of you that the youth no longer attends the schools.
The Athenians will soon recognize what lessons you teach those who are
fools enough to believe you.
UNJUST DISCOURSE
You are overwhelmed with wretchedness.
JUST DISCOURSE
And you, you
prosper. Yet you were poor when you said, "I am the
Mysian Telephus," and used to stuff your
wallet with maxims of
Pandeletus to
nibble at.
UNJUST DISCOURSE
Oh! the beautiful
wisdom, of which you are now boasting!
JUST DISCOURSE
Madman! But yet madder the city that keeps you, you, the corrupter
of its youth!
UNJUST DISCOURSE
It is not you who will teach this young man; you are as old and
out of date at Cronus.
JUST DISCOURSE
Nay, it will certainly be I, if he does not wish to be lost and to
practise verbosity only.
UNJUST DISCOURSE (to PHIDIPPIDES)
Come here and leave him to beat the air.
JUST DISCOURSE
You'll regret it, if you touch him.
CHORUS-LEADER (stepping between them as they are about to come to
blows)
A truce to your quarrellings and abuse! But you expound what you
taught us
formerly, and you, your new
doctrine. Thus, after hearing
each of you argue, he will be able to choose betwixt the two schools.
JUST DISCOURSE
I am quite agreeable.
UNJUST DISCOURSE
And I too.
LEADER OF THE CHORUS
Who is to speak first?
UNJUST DISCOURSE
Let it be my
opponent, he has my full consent; then I shall follow
upon the very ground he shall have chosen and shall
shatter him with a
hail of new ideas and subtle fancies; if after that he dares to
breathe another word, I shall sting him in the face and in the eyes
with our maxims, which are as keen as the sting of a wasp, and he will
die.