STREPSIADES
Yes, yes, by Apollo I suffer, I get colic, then the stew sets to

rumbling like thunder and finally bursts forth with a terrific
noise. At first, it's but a little gurgling pappax, pappax! then it

increases, papapappax! and when I take my crap, why, it's thunder
indeed, papapappax! pappax!! papapappax!!! just like the clouds.

SOCRATES
Well then, reflect what a noise is produced by your belly, which

is but small. Shall not the air, which is boundless, produce these
mighty claps of thunder?

STREPSIADES
And this is why the names are so much alike: crap and clap. But

tell me this. Whence comes the lightning, the dazzling flame, which at
times consumes the man it strikes, at others hardly singes him. Is

it not plain, that Zeus is hurling it at the perjurers?
SOCRATES

Out upon the fool! the driveller! he still savours of the golden
age! If Zeus strikes at the perjurers, why has he not blasted Simon,

Cleonymus and Theorus? Of a surety, greater perjurers cannot exist.
No, he strikes his own temple, and Sunium, the promontory of Athens,

and the towering oaks. Now, why should he do that? An oak is no
perjurer.

STREPSIADES
I cannot tell, but it seems to me well argued. What is the

lightning then?
SOCRATES

When a dry wind ascends to the Clouds and gets shut into them,
it blows them out like a bladder; finally, being too confined, it

bursts them, escapes with fierceviolence and a roar to flash into
flame by reason of its own impetuosity.

STREPSIADES
Ah, that's just what happened to me one day. It was at the feast

of Zeus! I was cooking a sow's belly for my family and I had forgotten
to slit it open. It swelled out and, suddenly bursting, discharged

itself right into my eyes and burnt my face.
LEADER OF THE CHORUS

Oh, mortal, you who desire to instruct yourself in our great
wisdom, the Athenians, the Greeks will envy you your good fortune.

Only you must have the memory and ardour for study, you must know
how to stand the tests, hold your own, go forward without feeling

fatigue, caring but little for food, abstaining from wine, gymnastic
exercises and other similar follies, in fact, you must believe as

every man of intellect should, that the greatest of all blessings is
to live and think more clearly than the vulgar herd, to shine in the

contests of words.
STREPSIADES

If it be a question of hardiness for labour, of spending whole
nights at work, of living sparingly, of fighting my stomach and only

eating chickpease, rest assured, I am as hard as an anvil.
SOCRATES

Henceforward, following our example, you will recognize no other
gods but Chaos, the Clouds and the Tongue, these three alone.

STREPSIADES
I would not speak to the others, even if I met them in the street;

not a single sacrifice, not a libation, not a grain of incense for
them!

LEADER OF THE CHORUS
Tell us boldly then what you want of us; you cannot fail to

succeed. If you honour and revere us and if you are resolved to become
a clever man.

STREPSIADES
Oh, sovereign goddesses, it is only a very small favour that I ask

of you; grant that I may outdistance all the Greeks by a hundred
stadia in the art of speaking.

LEADER OF THE CHORUS
We grant you this, and henceforward no eloquence shall more

often succeed with the people than your own.
STREPSIADES

May the gods shield me from possessing great eloquence! That's not
what I want. I want to be able to turn bad law-suits to my own

advantage and to slip through the fingers of my creditors.
LEADER OF THE CHORUS

It shall be as you wish, for your ambitions are modest. Commit
yourself fearlessly to our ministers, the sophists.

STREPSIADES
This I will do, for I trust in you. Moreover there is no drawing

back, what with these cursed horses and this marriage, which has eaten
up my vitals. (More and more volubly from here to the end of speeck)

So let them do with me as they will; I yield my body to them. Come
blows, come hunger, thirst, heat or cold, little matters it to me;

they may flay me, if I only escape my debts, if only I win the
reputation of being a bold rascal, a fine speaker, impudent,

shameless, a braggart, and adept at stringing lies, an old stager at
quibbles, a complete table of laws, a thoroughrattle, a fox to slip

through any hole; supple as a leathern strap, slippery as an eel, an
artful fellow, a blusterer, a villain; a knave with a hundred faces,

cunning, intolerable, a gluttonous dog. With such epithets do I seek
to be greeted; on these terms they can treat me as they choose, and,

if they wish, by Demeter! they can turn me into sausages and serve
me up to the philosophers.

CHORUS (singing)
Here have we a bold and well-disposed pupil indeed. When we have

taught you, your glory among the mortals will reach even to the skies.
STREPSIADES (singing)

Wherein will that profit me?
CHORUS (singing)

You will pass your whole life among us and will be the most envied
of men.

STREPSIADES (singing)
Shall I really ever see such happiness?

CHORUS (singing)
Clients will be everlastingly besieging your door in crowds,

burning to get at you, to explain their business to you and to consult
you about their suits, which, in return for your ability, will bring

you in great sums.
LEADER OF THE CHORUS

But, Socrates, begin the lessons you want to teach this old man;
rouse his mind, try the strength of his intelligence.

SOCRATES
Come, tell me the kind of mind you have; it's important that I

know this, that I may order my batteries against you in the right
fashion.

STREPSIADES
Eh, what! in the name of the gods, are you purposing to assault me

then?
SOCRATES

No. I only wish to ask you some questions. Have you any memory?
STREPSIADES

That depends: if anything is owed me, my memory is excellent,
but if I owe, alas! I have none whatever.

SOCRATES
Have you a natural gift for speaking?

STREPSIADES
For speaking, no; for cheating, yes.

SOCRATES
How will you be able to learn then?