My Fair Lady Script









Freddy, go and find a cab.







Do you want me to catch pneumonia?







Don't just stand there, Freddy.

Go and find a cab.







All right, I'll get one.







Look where you're goin', dear.

Look where you're goin'!







I'm so sorry.







Two bunches o' violets trod in the mud.

A full day's wages.







-Freddy, go and find a cab.

-Yes, Mother.







He's your son, is he?







If you'd done your duty

as a mother should...







...you wouldn't let 'im spoil a poor girl's

flow'rs and run away without payin'.







Go about your business, my girl.







And you wouldn't go off

without payin', either.







Two bunches o' violets trod in the mud.







Sir, is there any sign of it stopping?







I'm afraid not. It's worse than before.







If it's worse, it's a sign it's nearly over.







Cheer up, Capt'n,

buy a flow'r off a poor girl.







I'm sorry, I haven't any change.







I can change 'alf a crown.

Take this for tuppence.







I told you, I'm awfully sorry.

Wait a minute.







Oh, yes. Here's three ha' pence,

if that's any use to you.







Thank you, sir.







You be careful.

Better give 'im a flower for it.







There's a bloke here behind that pillar...







...takin' down every blessed word

you're sayin'.







I ain't done nothin' wrong

by speakin' to the gentleman.







I've a right to sell flow'rs

if I keep off the curb.







I'm a respectable girl, so help me.







I never spoke to him except to ask him

to buy a flow'r off me.







-What's the bloomin' noise?

-A tec's takin' her down.







I'm makin' an honest livin'.







Who's doing all that shouting?







Sir, don't let 'im charge me.

You dunno what it means to me.







They'll take away me character

and drive me on the streets...







...for speakin' to gentlemen.







There, there. Who's hurting you,

you silly girl? What'd you take me for?







On my Bible oath, I never spoke a word.







Shut up! Do I look like a policeman?







Why'd ya take down me words?

'Ow do I know you took me down right?







You just show me

what you wrote ab'ut me.







That ain't proper writin'. I can't read it.







I can.







'"l say, Capt'n,

now buy a flow'r off a poor girl.'"







Oh, it's cause I called him '"Capt'n.'"







I meant no 'arm. Sir, don't let him lay

a charge against me for a word like that.







I'll make no charge.

Really, sir, if you are a detective...







...you needn't protect me

against molestation from young women...







...until I ask you.







Anyone could tell the girl meant no harm.







He ain't no tec. He's a gentleman.

Look at his boots.







How are all your people down at Selsey?







Who told you my people

come from Selsey?







Never mind, they do.







How do you come to be up so far east?

You were born in Lisson Grove.







What 'arm is there

in my leavin' Lisson Grove?







It weren't fit for pigs to live.

I had to pay four and six a week.







Live where you like but stop that noise!







Come, come, he can't touch you.

You've a right to live where you please.







I'm a good girl, I am.







-Where do I come from?

-Hawkestone.







Who said I didn't?

Blimey, you know everything, you do.







You, sir, do you think

you could find me a taxi?







Madam, it's stopped raining.







You can get a motorbus to Hampton Court.







Isn't that where you live?







What impertinence!







Tell 'im where he comes from,

if you wanta go fortune-telling.







Cheltenham, Harrow...







...Cambridge and...







...lndia?







Quite right.







He ain't a tec, he's a bloomin' busybody.







Do you do this sort of thing

for a living at a music hall?







I have thought of it.

Perhaps I will one day.







He's no gentleman, he ain't,

to interfere with a poor girl!







How do you do it, may I ask?







Simple phonetics. The science of speech.

That's my profession. Also my hobby.







Anyone can spot an lrishman

or a Yorkshireman by his brogue...







...but I can place a man within six miles.







I can place 'im within two miles in London.

Sometimes within two streets.







Ought to be ashamed of 'imself,

unmanly coward.







-Is there a living in that?

-Oh, yes.







Let him mind his own business

and leave a poor girl alone.







Cease this detestable

boohooing instantly...







...or else seek the shelter

of some other place of worship!







I have a right to be here if I like,

same as you!







A woman who utters such disgusting,

depressing noises...







...has no right to be anywhere,

no right to live.







Remember, you're a human with a soul...







...and the divine gift of articulate speech.







Your native language is the language

of Shakespeare and...







...Milton and the Bible. Don't sit there

crooning like a bilious pigeon.







'"Look at her, a prisoner of the gutters







'"Condemned by every syllable she utters







'"By right she should be taken out and hung







'"For the cold-blooded murder

of the English tongue'"







Heavens, what a sound!







'"This is what the British population







'"Calls an elementary education'"







Come, sir, I think you've picked

a poor example.







Did l?







'"Hear them down in Soho Square

Dropping H's everywhere







'"Speaking English any way they like







'"Hey, you, sir, did you go to school?







'"What ya tike me for, a fool?







'"No one taught him 'take' instead of 'tike'







'"Hear a Yorkshireman, or worse

Hear a Cornishman converse







'"l'd rather hear a choir singing flat







'"Chickens cackling in a barn

Just like this one







'"Garn!







'"Garn!







'"l ask you, sir, what sort of word is that?







'"lt's 'aoow' and 'garn'

that keep her in her place







'"Not her wretched clothes and dirty face







'"Why can't the English

teach their children how to speak?







'"This verbal class distinction

by now should be antique







'"lf you spoke as she does, sir,

instead of the way you do







'"Why, you might be selling flowers, too'"







I beg your pardon.







'"An Englishman's way of speaking

absolutely classifies him







'"The moment he talks he makes

some other Englishman despise him







'"One common language

I'm afraid we'll never get







'"Oh, why can't the English learn to...







'"...set a good example to people

whose English is painful to your ears







'"The Scotch and the lrish

leave you close to tears







'"There even are places

where English completely disappears







'"Why, in America

they haven't used it for years!







'"Why can't the English

teach their children how to speak?







'"Norwegians learn Norwegian,

the Greeks are taught their Greek







'"ln France every Frenchman

knows his language from 'A' to 'Z'







'"The French don't care

what they do actually







'"As long as they pronounce it properly







'"Arabians learn Arabian

with the speed of summer lightning







'"The Hebrews learn it backwards

which is absolutely frightening







'"Use proper English,

you're regarded as a freak







'"Oh, why can't the English







'"Why can't the English learn to speak?'"







Thank you.







See this creature

with her curbstone English...







...that'll keep her in the gutter

till the end of her days?







In six months I could pass her off

as a duchess at an Embassy Ball.







I could get her a job as a lady's maid

or a shop assistant...







...which requires better English.







What's that you say?







Yes, you squashed cabbage leaf!







You disgrace to the noble architecture

of these columns!







You incarnate insult

to the English language!







I could pass you off as the Queen of Sheba.







You don't believe that, Capt'n?







Anything's possible.

I, myself, am a student of lndian dialects.







Are you? Do you know Colonel Pickering,

the author of Spoken Sanskrit?







I am Colonel Pickering. Who are you?







I'm Henry Higgins,

author of Higgins' Universal Alphabet.







I came from lndia to meet you!







I was going to lndia to meet you!







-Where are you staying?

-At the Carleton.







No, you're not.

You're staying at A Wimpole Street.







You come with me.

We'll have a little jaw over supper.







Indian dialects have always fascinated me.







Buy a flower. I'm short for me lodgin'.







Liar!







You said you could change half a crown.







You ought to be stuffed with nails,

you ought!







Here, take the whole bloomin' basket

for a sixpence!







A reminder.







-How many are there actually?

-How many what?







Indian dialects?







No fewer than distinct languages

are recorded as vernacular in lndia.







Shouldn't we stand up, gentlemen?

We've got a bloomin' heiress in our midst.







Would you be lookin'

for a good butler, Eliza?







Well, you won't do.







'"lt's rather dull in town

I think I'll take me to Paris







'"The missus wants to open up

the castle in Capri







'"Me doctor recommends

a quiet summer by the sea







'"Wouldn't it be loverly?'"







Where are ya bound for this year, Eliza?

Biarritz?







'"All I want is a room somewhere







'"Far away from the cold night air







'"With one enormous chair







'"Oh, wouldn't it be loverly?







'"Lots of chocolate for me to eat







'"Lots of coal makin' lots of 'eat







'"Warm face, warm 'ands, warm feet







'"Oh, wouldn't it be loverly?







'"Oh, so loverly sittin'







'"Absobloominlutely still







'"l would never budge till Spring







'"Crept over the winder sill







'"Someone's 'ead restin' on my knee







'"Warm and tender as he can be







'"Who takes good care of me







'"Oh, wouldn't it be loverly?







'"Loverly







'"Loverly







'"Loverly







'"Loverly







'"All I want is a room somewhere







'"Far away from the cold night air







'"With one enormous chair







'"Oh, wouldn't it be loverly?







'"Lots of chocolate for me to eat







'"Lots of coal makin' lots of 'eat







'"Warm face, warm 'ands, warm feet







'"Oh, wouldn't it be loverly?







'"Oh, so loverly sittin'







'"Absobloominlutely still







'"l would never budge till Spring







'"Crept over the winder sill







'"Someone's 'ead restin' on my knee







'"Warm and tender as he can be







'"Who takes good care of me







'"Oh, wouldn't it be loverly?







'"Loverly







'"Loverly







'"Loverly







'"Oh, wouldn't it be loverly?







'"Loverly







'"Loverly







'"Loverly







'"Wouldn't it be loverly?'"







Come on, Alfie, let's go 'ome now.

This place is givin' me the willies.







Home? What do you want to go 'ome for?







It's nearly : .

My daughter Eliza'll be along soon.







She ought to be good for 'alf a crown

for a father that loves 'er.







That's a laugh.

You ain't been near 'er for months.







What's that got to do with it?

What's 'alf a crown after all I've give 'er?







When did you ever give 'er anythin'?







Anythin'? I give 'er everythin'.







I give 'er the greatest gift

any human being can give to another:







Life!







I introduced 'er to this here planet, I did,

with all its wonders and marvels.







The sun that shines, the moon that glows.







Hyde Park to walk through

on a fine spring night.







The 'ole ruddy city o' London to roam

around in sellin' 'er bloomin' flow'rs.







I give 'er all that.







Then I disappears and leaves 'er

on 'er own to enjoy it.







If that ain't worth 'alf a crown

now and again...







...l'll take my belt off and give 'er what for.







You got a good 'eart.

But you want a 'alf a crown out o' Eliza...







...you better have a good story.







Leave that to me, my boy.







-Good mornin', George.

-Not a brass farthin'.







Not a brass farthin'.







There she is.







Why, Liza, what a surprise.







Hop along, Charlie, you're too old for me.







-Don't you know your daughter?

-You don't know what she looks like.







I know 'er, I know 'er.

Come on, I'll find 'er.







Eliza, what a surprise.







Not a brass farthin'.







Hey, you come 'ere, Eliza.







I ain't gonna take me 'ard-earned wages...







...and let you pass 'em on

to a bloody pubkeeper.







You wouldn't send me 'ome

to your stepmother...







...without a drop o' liquid protection,

would ya?







Stepmother, indeed!







Well, I'm willin' to marry 'er.

It's me that suffers by it.







I'm a slave to that woman, Eliza.







Just because I ain't 'er lawful 'usband.







Come on.







Slip your ol' dad just 'alf a crown

to go 'ome on.







Well, I had a bit o' luck meself last night.







But don't keep comin' around

countin' on 'alf crowns from me!







Thank you, Eliza. You're a noble daughter.







'"Beer, beer, glorious beer







'"Fill yourself right up'"







See this creature

with her curbstone English...







...that will keep her

in the gutter till the end of her days?







In six months, I could pass her off

as a duchess at an Embassy Ball.







I could get her ajob as a lady's maid

or a shop assistant...







...which requires better English.







You disgrace to the noble architecture

of these columns!







I could get her ajob as a lady's maid

or a shop assistant...







...which requires better English.







How many vowel sounds

did you hear altogether?







I believe I counted .







Wrong by . To be exact you heard .







Listen to them one at a time.







Must l? I'm really quite done up

for one morning.







Your name, please?







Your name, miss?







My name is of no concern to you

whatsoever.







One moment, please.







London is gettin' so dirty these days.







I'm Mrs. Pearce, the housekeeper.

Can I help you?







Good morning, missus.

I'd like to see the professor, please.







Could you tell me what it's about?







It's business of a personal nature.







One moment, please.







-Mr. Higgins?

-What is it, Mrs. Pearce?







There's a young woman

who wants to see you, sir.







A young woman?







What does she want?







She's quite a common girl, sir.

Very common indeed.







I should've sent her away, only I thought...







...you wanted her to talk

into your machine.







-Has she an interesting accent?

-Simply ghastly.







Good. Let's have her in.

Show her in, Mrs. Pearce.







This is rather a bit of luck.

I'll show you how I make records.







We'll set her talking, then I'll take

her down first in Bell's Visible Speech...







...then in broad Romic.

Then we'll get her on the phonograph...







...so you can turn her on when you want

with the written transcript before you.







This is the young woman, sir.







Good mornin', my good man.







Might I 'ave a word with you?







Oh, no. This is the girl

I jotted down last night.







She's no use. I got the records I want

of the Lisson Grove lingo.







I won't waste another cylinder on that.







Be off with you. I don't want you.







Don't be so saucy.

You ain't 'eard what I come for yet.







Did you tell 'im I come in a taxi?







Nonsense. Do you think a gentleman

like Mr. Higgins cares...







...what you came in?







Oh, we are proud.







He ain't above givin' lessons, not 'im.

I 'eard 'im say so.







I ain't come here to ask

for any compliment...







...and if my money's not good enough,

I can go elsewhere.







Good enough for what?







Good enough for you.







Now you know, don't ya?

I'm come to 'ave lessons.







And to pay for 'em, too, make no mistake.







Well!







And what do you expect me to say?







Well, if you was a gentleman,

you might ask me to sit down, I think.







Don't I tell you I'm bringin' you business?







Should we ask this baggage to sit down...







...or shall we just throw her

out of the window?







I won't be called a baggage.

Not when I've offered to pay like any lady.