and daughter placed as we then were. But I braved them all, my mother,
my husband, the world, by public coquetries which society talked of,--
and heaven knows how it talked! You can see, my friend, how the men
with whom I was
accused of folly were to me the
dagger with which to
stab my enemies. Thinking only of my
vengeance, I did not see or feel
the wounds I was inflicting on myself. Innocent as a child, I was
thought a
wicked woman, the worst of women, and I knew nothing of it!
The world is very foolish, very blind, very
ignorant; it can penetrate
no secrets but those which amuse it and serve its
malice: noble
things, great things, it puts its hand before its eyes to avoid
seeing. But, as I look back, it seems to me that I had an attitude and
aspect of
indignantinnocence, with movements of pride, which a great
painter would have recognized. I must have enlivened many a ball with
my tempests of anger and
disdain. Lost poesy! such
sublime poems are
only made in the glowing
indignation which seizes us at twenty. Later,
we are wrathful no longer, we are too weary, vice no longer amazes us,
we are cowards, we fear. But then--oh! I kept a great pace! For all
that I played the silliest
personage in the world; I was charged with
crimes by which I never benefited. But I had such pleasure in
compromising myself. That was my revenge! Ah! I have played many
childish tricks! I went to Italy with a
thoughtless youth, whom I
crushed when he spoke to me of love, but later, when I herd that he
was compromised on my
account (he had committed a forgery to get
money) I rushed to save him. My mother and husband kept me almost
without means; but, this time, I went to the king. Louis XVIII., that
man without a heart, was touched; he gave me a hundred thousand francs
from his privy purse. The Marquis d'Esgrignon--you must have seen him
in society for he ended by making a rich marriage--was saved from the
abyss into which he had plunged for my sake. That adventure, caused by
my own folly, led me to
reflect. I saw that I myself was the first
victim of my
vengeance. My mother, who knew I was too proud, too
d'Uxelles, to conduct myself really ill, began to see the harm that
she had done me and was frightened by it. She was then fifty-two years
of age; she left Paris and went to live at Uxelles. There she expiates
her wrong-doing by a life of
devotion and expresses the utmost
affection for me. After her
departure I was face to face, alone, with
Monsieur de Maufrigneuse. Oh! my friend, you men can never know what
an old man of gallantry can be. What a home is that of a man
accustomed to the adulation of women of the world, when he finds
neither
incense nor censer in his own house! dead to all! and yet,
perhaps for that very reason,
jealous. I wished--when Monsieur de
Maufrigneuse was
wholly mine--I wished to be a good wife, but I found
myself
repulsed with the harshness of a soured spirit by a man who
treated me like a child and took pleasure in humiliating my self-
respect at every turn, in crushing me under the scorn of his
experience, and in convicting me of total
ignorance. He wounded me on
all occasions. He did everything to make me
detest him and to give me
the right to
betray him; but I was still the dupe of my own hope and
of my desire to do right through several years. Shall I tell you the
cruel
saying that drove me to further follies? 'The Duchesse de
Maufrigneuse has gone back to her husband,' said the world. 'Bah! it
is always a
triumph to bring the dead to life; it is all she can now
do,' replied my best friend, a relation, she, at whose house I met
you--"
"Madame d'Espard!" cried Daniel, with a
gesture of horror.
"Oh! I have
forgiven her. Besides, it was very witty; and I have
myself made just as cruel epigrams on other poor women as
innocent as
myself."
D'Arthez again kissed the hand of that saintly woman who, having
hacked her mother in pieces, and turned the Prince de Cadignan into an
Othello, now proceeded to
accuse herself in order to appear in the
eyes of that
innocent great man as
immaculate as the silliest or the
wisest of women desire to seem at all costs to their lovers.
"You will
readily understand, my friend, that I returned to society
for the purpose of
excitement and I may say of notoriety. I felt that
I must
conquer my
independence. I led a life of dissipation. To divert
my mind, to forget my real life in fictitious enjoyments I was gay, I
shone, I gave fetes, I played the
princess, and I ran in debt. At home
I could forget myself in the sleep of
weariness, able to rise the next
day gay, and
frivolous for the world; but in that sad struggle to
escape my real life I wasted my fortune. The revolution of 1830 came;
it came at the very moment when I had met, at the end of that Arabian
Nights' life, a pure and
sacred love which (I desire to be honest) I
had longed to know. Was it not natural in a woman whose heart,
repressed by many causes and accidents, was
awakening at an age when a
woman feels herself cheated if she has never known, like the women she
sees about her, a happy love? Ah! why was Michel Chrestien so
respectful? Why did he not seek to meet me? There again was another
mockery! But what of that? in falling, I have lost everything; I have
no illusions left; I had tasted of all things except the one fruit for
which I have no longer teeth. Yes, I found myself disenchanted with
the world at the very moment when I was forced to leave it.
Providential, was it not? like all those strange insensibilities which
prepare us for death" (she made a
gesture full of pious unction). "All
things served me then," she continued; "the disasters of the monarchy
and its ruin helped me to bury myself. My son consoles me for much.
Maternal love takes the place of all frustrated feelings. The world is
surprised at my
retirement, but to me it has brought peace. Ah! if you
knew how happy the poor creature before you is in this little place.
In sacrificing all to my son I forget to think of joys of which I am
and ever must be
ignorant. Yes, hope has flown, I now fear everything;
no doubt I should
repulse the truest
sentiment, the purest and most
veritable love, in memory of the deceptions and the miseries of my
life. It is all
horrible, is it not? and yet, what I have told you is
the history of many women."
The last few words were said in a tone of easy pleasantry which
recalled the presence of the woman of the world. D'Arthez was
dumbfounded. In his eyes convicts sent to the galleys for murder, or
aggravated
robbery, or for putting a wrong name to checks, were saints
compared to the men and women of society. This atrocious elegy, forged
in the
arsenal of lies, and steeped in the waters of the Parisian
Styx, had been poured into his ears with the inimitable
accent of
truth. The grave author contemplated for a moment that adorable woman
lying back in her easy-chair, her two hands pendant from its arms like
dewdrops from a rose-leaf,
overcome by her own
revelation, living over
again the sorrows of her life as she told them--in short an angel of
melancholy.
"And judge," she cried, suddenly lifting herself with a spring and
raising her hand, while
lightning flashed from eyes where twenty
chaste years shone--"judge of the
impression the love of a man like
Michel must have made upon me. But by some irony of fate--or was it
the hand of God?--well, he died; died in saving the life of, whom do
you suppose? of Monsieur de Cadignan. Are you now surprised to find me
thoughtful?"
This was the last drop; poor d'Arthez could bear no more. He fell upon
his knees, and laid his head on Diane's hand,
weeping soft tears such
as the angels shed,--if angels weep. As Daniel was in that bent
posture, Madame de Cadignan could
safely let a
malicious smile of
triumphflicker on her lips, a smile such as the monkeys wear after
playing a sly trick--if monkeys smile.
"Ah! I have him," thought she; and, indeed, she had him fast.
"But you are--" he said, raising his fine head and looking at her with
eyes of love.
"Virgin and martyr," she replied, smiling at the commonness of that
hackneyed expression, but giving it a
freshness of meaning by her
smile, so full of
painful gayety. "If I laugh," she continued, "it is
that I am thinking of that
princess whom the world thinks it knows,
that Duchesse de Maufrigneuse to whom it gives as lovers de Marsay,
that
infamous de Trailles (a political cutthroat), and that little
fool of a d'Esgrignon, and Rastignac, Rubempre, ambassadors,
ministers, Russian generals, heaven knows who! all Europe! They have
gossiped about that album which I ordered made, believing that those
who admired me were my friends. Ah! it is frightful! I wonder that I