SIZE AND TEARS

WHEN on the sandy shore I sit,
Beside the salt sea-wave,

And fall into a weeping fit
Because I dare not shave -

A little whisper at my ear
Enquires the reason of my fear.

I answer "If that ruffian Jones
Should recognise me here,

He'd bellow out my name in tones
Offensive to the ear:

He chaffs me so on being stout
(A thing that always puts me out)."

Ah me! I see him on the cliff!
Farewell, farewell to hope,

If he should look this way, and if
He's got his telescope!

To whatsoever place I flee,
My odious rival follows me!

For every night, and everywhere,
I meet him out at dinner;

And when I've found some charming fair,
And vowed to die or win her,

The wretch (he's thin and I am stout)
Is sure to come and cut me out!

The girls (just like them!) all agree
To praise J. Jones, Esquire:

I ask them what on earth they see
About him to admire?

They cry "He is so sleek and slim,
It's quite a treat to look at him!"

They vanish in tobacco smoke,
Those visionary maids -

I feel a sharp and sudden poke
Between the shoulder-blades -

"Why, Brown, my boy! Your growing stout!"
(I told you he would find me out!)

"My growth is not YOUR business, Sir!"
"No more it is, my boy!

But if it's YOURS, as I infer,
Why, Brown, I give you joy!

A man, whose business prospers so,
Is just the sort of man to know!

"It's hardly safe, though, talking here -
I'd best get out of reach:

For such a weight as yours, I fear,
Must shortly sink the beach!" -

Insult me thus because I'm stout!
I vow I'll go and call him out!

ATALANTA IN CAMDEN-TOWN
AY, 'twas here, on this spot,

In that summer of yore,
Atalanta did not

Vote my presence a bore,
Nor reply to my tenderest talk "She had

heard all that nonsense before."
She'd the brooch I had bought

And the necklace and sash on,
And her heart, as I thought,

Was alive to my passion;
And she'd done up her hair in the style that

the Empress had brought into fashion.
I had been to the play

With my pearl of a Peri -
But, for all I could say,

She declared she was weary,
That "the place was so crowded and hot, and

she couldn't abide that Dundreary."
Then I thought "Lucky boy!

'Tis for YOU that she whimpers!"
And I noted with joy

Those sensational simpers:
And I said "This is scrumptious!" - a

phrase I had learned from the Devonshire shrimpers.
And I vowed "'Twill be said

I'm a fortunate fellow,
When the breakfast is spread,

When the topers are mellow,
When the foam of the bride-cake is white,

and the fierce orange-blossoms are yellow!"
O that languishing yawn!

O those eloquent eyes!
I was drunk with the dawn

Of a splendid surmise -
I was stung by a look, I was slain by a tear,

by a tempest of sighs.
Then I whispered "I see

The sweet secret thou keepest.
And the yearning for ME

That thou wistfully weepest!
And the question is 'License or Banns?',

though undoubtedly Banns are the cheapest."
"Be my Hero," said I,

"And let ME be Leander!"
But I lost her reply -

Something ending with "gander" -
For the omnibus rattled so loud that no

mortal could quite understand her.
THE LANG COORTIN'

THE ladye she stood at her lattice high,
Wi' her doggie at her feet;

Thorough the lattice she can spy
The passers in the street,

"There's one that standeth at the door,
And tirleth at the pin:

Now speak and say, my popinjay,
If I sall let him in."

Then up and spake the popinjay
That flew abune her head:

"Gae let him in that tirls the pin:
He cometh thee to wed."

O when he cam' the parlour in,
A woeful man was he!

"And dinna ye ken your lover agen,
Sae well that loveth thee?"

"And how wad I ken ye loved me, Sir,
That have been sae lang away?

And how wad I ken ye loved me, Sir?
Ye never telled me sae."

Said - "Ladye dear," and the salt, salt tear
Cam' rinnin' doon his cheek,

"I have sent the tokens of my love
This many and many a week.

"O didna ye get the rings, Ladye,
The rings o' the gowd sae fine?

I wot that I have sent to thee
Four score, four score and nine."

"They cam' to me," said that fair ladye.
"Wow, they were flimsie things!"

Said - "that chain o' gowd, my doggie to howd,
It is made o' thae self-same rings."

"And didna ye get the locks, the locks,
The locks o' my ain black hair,

Whilk I sent by post, whilk I sent by box,
Whilk I sent by the carrier?"

"They cam' to me," said that fair ladye;
"And I prithee send nae mair!"

Said - "that cushion sae red, for my doggie's head,
It is stuffed wi' thae locks o' hair."

"And didna ye get the letter, Ladye,
Tied wi' a silken string,

Whilk I sent to thee frae the far countrie,
A message of love to bring?"

"It cam' to me frae the far countrie
Wi' its silken string and a';

But it wasna prepaid," said that high-born maid,
"Sae I gar'd them tak' it awa'."

"O ever alack that ye sent it back,
It was written sae clerkly and well!

Now the message it brought, and the boon that it sought,
I must even say it mysel'."

Then up and spake the popinjay,
Sae wisely counselled he.

"Now say it in the proper way:
Gae doon upon thy knee!"

The lover he turned baith red and pale,
Went doon upon his knee:

"O Ladye, hear the waesome tale
That must be told to thee!

"For five lang years, and five lang years,
I coorted thee by looks;

By nods and winks, by smiles and tears,
As I had read in books.

"For ten lang years, O weary hours!
I coorted thee by signs;

By sending game, by sending flowers,
By sending Valentines.

"For five lang years, and five lang years,
I have dwelt in the far countrie,

Till that thy mind should be inclined
Mair tenderly to me.

"Now thirty years are gane and past,
I am come frae a foreign land:

I am come to tell thee my love at last -
O Ladye, gie me thy hand!"

The ladye she turned not pale nor red,
But she smiled a pitiful smile:

"Sic' a coortin' as yours, my man," she said
"Takes a lang and a weary while!"

And out and laughed the popinjay,
A laugh of bitter scorn:

"A coortin' done in sic' a way,
It ought not to be borne!"

Wi' that the doggie barked aloud,
And up and doon he ran,

And tugged and strained his chain o' gowd,
All for to bite the man.

"O hush thee, gentle popinjay!
O hush thee, doggie dear!

There is a word I fain wad say,
It needeth he should hear!"

Aye louder screamed that ladye fair
To drown her doggie's bark:

Ever the lover shouted mair
To make that ladye hark:

Shrill and more shrill the popinjay
Upraised his angry squall:

I trow the doggie's voice that day
Was louder than them all!

The serving-men and serving-maids
Sat by the kitchen fire:

• whisper [´wispə] v.耳语 n.低语；沙沙声 (初中英语单词)
• farewell [feə´wel] int.再见 n.&a.告别 (初中英语单词)
• charming [´tʃɑ:miŋ] a.可爱的；极好的 (初中英语单词)
• vanish [´væniʃ] vi.消失；消散；消灭 (初中英语单词)
• tobacco [tə´bækəu] n.烟草(叶)；卷烟 (初中英语单词)
• shortly [´ʃɔ:tli] ad.立刻，马上；不久 (初中英语单词)
• fortunate [´fɔ:tʃənət] a.幸运的，侥幸的 (初中英语单词)
• fierce [fiəs] a.残忍的；强烈的 (初中英语单词)
• undoubtedly [ʌn´dautidli] ad.无疑地，确实地 (初中英语单词)
• cushion [´kuʃən] n.垫子，坐褥 (初中英语单词)
• bellow [´beləu] v.吼叫；轰鸣 (高中英语单词)
• nonsense [´nɔnsəns] n.胡说 int.胡说!废话 (高中英语单词)
• crowded [´kraudid] a.充(拥)满了的 (高中英语单词)
• learned [´lə:nid] a.有学问的，博学的 (高中英语单词)
• tempest [´tempist] n.暴风雨 (高中英语单词)
• ending [´endiŋ] n.结尾，结局 (高中英语单词)
• silken [´silkən] a.丝制的；柔软光滑的 (高中英语单词)
• wisely [´waizli] ad.明智地，聪明地 (高中英语单词)
• tenderly [´tendəli] ad.娇嫩地；柔和地 (高中英语单词)
• pitiful [´pitifəl] a.可怜的；慈悲的 (高中英语单词)
• shrill [ʃril] a.(声音)尖锐的 (高中英语单词)
• whatsoever [,wɔtsəu´evə] (强势语)=whatever (英语四级单词)
• odious [´əudiəs] a.可憎的；丑恶的 (英语四级单词)
• wretch [retʃ] n.不幸的人；卑鄙的人 (英语四级单词)
• necklace [´neklis] n.项链 (英语四级单词)
• empress [´empris] n.女皇；皇后 (英语四级单词)
• languishing [´læŋgwiʃiŋ] a.衰弱下去的 (英语四级单词)
• eloquent [´eləkwənt] a.流利的；雄辩的 (英语四级单词)
• weeping [´wi:piŋ] a.&n.哭泣(的) (英语六级单词)
• ruffian [´rʌfiən] n.流氓 a.残暴的 (英语六级单词)
• brooch [brəutʃ] n.胸针 (英语六级单词)
• sensational [sen´seiʃənəl] a.感觉的；轰动的 (英语六级单词)
• surmise [´sə:maiz] n.&a.推测(的)；猜疑(的) (英语六级单词)
• wistfully [´wistfuli] ad.渴望地；不满足地 (英语六级单词)