Phantasmagoria and Other Poems

PHANTASMAGORIA
CANTO I - The Trystyng

ONE winter night, at half-past nine,
Cold, tired, and cross, and muddy,

I had come home, too late to dine,
And supper, with cigars and wine,

Was waiting in the study.
There was a strangeness in the room,

And Something white and wavy
Was standing near me in the gloom -

I took it for the carpet-broom
Left by that careless slavey.

But presently the Thing began
To shiver and to sneeze:

On which I said "Come, come, my man!
That's a most inconsiderate plan.

Less noise there, if you please!"
"I've caught a cold," the Thing replies,

"Out there upon the landing."
I turned to look in some surprise,

And there, before my very eyes,
A little Ghost was standing!

He trembled when he caught my eye,
And got behind a chair.

"How came you here," I said, "and why?
I never saw a thing so shy.

Come out! Don't shiver there!"
He said "I'd gladly tell you how,

And also tell you why;
But" (here he gave a little bow)

"You're in so bad a temper now,
You'd think it all a lie.

"And as to being in a fright,
Allow me to remark

That Ghosts have just as good a right
In every way, to fear the light,

As Men to fear the dark."
"No plea," said I, "can well excuse

Such cowardice in you:
For Ghosts can visit when they choose,

Whereas we Humans ca'n't refuse
To grant the interview."

He said "A flutter of alarm
Is not unnatural, is it?

I really feared you meant some harm:
But, now I see that you are calm,

Let me explain my visit.
"Houses are classed, I beg to state,

According to the number
Of Ghosts that they accommodate:

(The Tenant merely counts as WEIGHT,
With Coals and other lumber).

"This is a 'one-ghost' house, and you
When you arrived last summer,

May have remarked a Spectre who
Was doing all that Ghosts can do

To welcome the new-comer.
"In Villas this is always done -

However cheaply rented:
For, though of course there's less of fun

When there is only room for one,
Ghosts have to be contented.

"That Spectre left you on the Third -
Since then you've not been haunted:

For, as he never sent us word,
'Twas quite by accident we heard

That any one was wanted.
"A Spectre has first choice, by right,

In filling up a vacancy;
Then Phantom, Goblin, Elf, and Sprite -

If all these fail them, they invite
The nicest Ghoul that they can see.

"The Spectres said the place was low,
And that you kept bad wine:

So, as a Phantom had to go,
And I was first, of course, you know,

I couldn't well decline."
"No doubt," said I, "they settled who

Was fittest to be sent
Yet still to choose a brat like you,

To haunt a man of forty-two,
Was no great compliment!"

"I'm not so young, Sir," he replied,
"As you might think. The fact is,

In caverns by the water-side,
And other places that I've tried,

I've had a lot of practice:
"But I have never taken yet

A strictdomestic part,
And in my flurry I forget

The Five Good Rules of Etiquette
We have to know by heart."

My sympathies were warming fast
Towards the little fellow:

He was so utterly aghast
At having found a Man at last,

And looked so scared and yellow.
"At least," I said, "I'm glad to find

A Ghost is not a DUMB thing!
But pray sit down: you'll feel inclined

(If, like myself, you have not dined)
To take a snack of something:

"Though, certainly, you don't appear
A thing to offer FOOD to!

And then I shall be glad to hear -
If you will say them loud and clear -

The Rules that you allude to."
"Thanks! You shall hear them by and by.

This IS a piece of luck!"
"What may I offer you?" said I.

"Well, since you ARE so kind, I'll try
A little bit of duck.

"ONE slice! And may I ask you for
Another drop of gravy?"

I sat and looked at him in awe,
For certainly I never saw

A thing so white and wavy.
And still he seemed to grow more white,

More vapoury, and wavier -
Seen in the dim and flickering light,

As he proceeded to recite
His "Maxims of Behaviour."

CANTO II - Hys Fyve Rules
"MY First - but don't suppose," he said,

"I'm setting you a riddle -
Is - if your Victim be in bed,

Don't touch the curtains at his head,
But take them in the middle,

"And wave them slowly in and out,
While drawing them asunder;

And in a minute's time, no doubt,
He'll raise his head and look about

With eyes of wrath and wonder.
"And here you must on no pretence

Make the first observation.
Wait for the Victim to commence:

No Ghost of any common sense
Begins a conversation.

"If he should say 'HOW CAME YOU HERE?'
(The way that YOU began, Sir,)

In such a case your course is clear -
'ON THE BAT'S BACK, MY LITTLE DEAR!'

Is the appropriate answer.
"If after this he says no more,

You'd best perhaps curtail your
Exertions - go and shake the door,

And then, if he begins to snore,
You'll know the thing's a failure.

"By day, if he should be alone -
At home or on a walk -

You merely give a hollow groan,
To indicate the kind of tone

In which you mean to talk.
"But if you find him with his friends,

The thing is rather harder.
In such a case success depends

On picking up some candle-ends,
Or butter, in the larder.

"With this you make a kind of slide
(It answers best with suet),

On which you must contrive to glide,
And swing yourself from side to side -

One soon learns how to do it.
"The Second tells us what is right

In ceremonious calls:-
'FIRST BURN A BLUE OR CRIMSON LIGHT'

(A thing I quite forgot to-night),
'THEN SCRATCH THE DOOR OR WALLS.'"

I said "You'll visit HERE no more,
If you attempt the Guy.

I'll have no bonfires on MY floor -
And, as for scratching at the door,

I'd like to see you try!"
"The Third was written to protect

The interests of the Victim,
And tells us, as I recollect,

TO TREAT HIM WITH A GRAVE RESPECT,
AND NOT TO CONTRADICT HIM."

"That's plain," said I, "as Tare and Tret,
To any comprehension:

I only wish SOME Ghosts I've met
Would not so CONSTANTLY forget

The maxim that you mention!"
"Perhaps," he said, "YOU first transgressed

The laws of hospitality:
All Ghosts instinctively detest

The Man that fails to treat his guest
With proper cordiality.

"If you address a Ghost as 'Thing!'
Or strike him with a hatchet,

He is permitted by the King
To drop all FORMAL parleying -

And then you're SURE to catch it!
"The Fourth prohibits trespassing

Where other Ghosts are quartered:
And those convicted of the thing

(Unless when pardoned by the King)
Must instantly be slaughtered.

"That simply means 'be cut up small':
Ghosts soon unite anew.

• waiting [´weitiŋ] n.等候；伺候 (初中英语单词)
• standing [´stændiŋ] n.持续 a.直立的 (初中英语单词)
• careless [´keəlis] a.粗心的；草率的 (初中英语单词)
• presently [´prezəntli] ad.不久；目前 (初中英语单词)
• shiver [´ʃivə] v.&n.(使)颤抖；碎片 (初中英语单词)
• temper [´tempə] n.韧度 v.锻炼；调和 (初中英语单词)
• flutter [´flʌtə] vi.飘扬；摆 n.拍动 (初中英语单词)
• welcome [´welkəm] a.受欢迎的；可喜的 (初中英语单词)
• domestic [də´mestik] a.家庭的；本国的 (初中英语单词)
• victim [´viktim] n.牺牲者；受害者 (初中英语单词)
• scratch [skrætʃ] v.&n.抓，搔；抓伤 (初中英语单词)
• constantly [´kɔnstəntli] ad.经常地；不断地 (初中英语单词)
• formal [´fɔ:məl] a.正式的；外表的 (初中英语单词)
• instantly [´instəntli] ad.立即，立刻 (初中英语单词)
• gladly [´glædli] ad.愉快地，高兴地 (高中英语单词)
• tenant [´tenənt] n.租户，佃户 (高中英语单词)
• goblin [´gɔblin] n.恶鬼，小妖精 (高中英语单词)
• strict [strikt] a.严厉的；精确的 (高中英语单词)
• riddle [´ridl] n.谜(语) v.解(谜等) (高中英语单词)
• appropriate [ə´prəupri-it, ə´prəuprieit] a.适宜的 vt.私占；拨给 (高中英语单词)
• contrive [kən´traiv] v.发明；设计；图谋 (高中英语单词)
• crimson [´krimzən] a.&n.深(紫)红(的) (高中英语单词)
• unnatural [,ʌn´nætʃərəl] a.不自然的 (英语四级单词)
• warming [´wɔ:miŋ] n.暖和；加温 (英语四级单词)
• allude [ə´lu:d] vi.暗指；侧面提到 (英语四级单词)
• setting [´setiŋ] n.安装；排字；布景 (英语四级单词)
• drawing [´drɔ:iŋ] n.画图；制图；图样 (英语四级单词)
• contradict [,kɔntrə´dikt] v.反驳；否认 (英语四级单词)
• instinctively [in´stiŋktivli] ad.本能地 (英语四级单词)
• cowardice [´kauədis] n.懦弱，胆怯 (英语六级单词)
• phantom [´fæntəm] n.幽灵；幻影 a.幻想的 (英语六级单词)
• sprite [sprait] n.小妖精；捣蛋鬼 (英语六级单词)
• curtail [kə:´teil] vt.缩短；削减 (英语六级单词)