酷兔英语
    当前位置:
  1. 首页
  2. 文章
  3. 英语新闻
  4. 双语新闻
  5. 正文

分手为何能够挽救婚姻呢？

0 收藏 0 分享 0 赞


After 35 years of marriage, Mark Earnhart came home one day and told his wife, Jeanine, that he wanted a separation. He said he was tired of the bickering and tension, the lack of communication, how they never did anything together anymore.


在



His wife sadly agreed that the marriage seemed broken. So Mr. Earnhart, a chiropractor, moved out of their home to a furnished apartment on the other side of San Juan Island, in Washington.


步入婚姻殿堂35年后，脊椎指压治疗师马克•伊恩哈特(Mark Earnhart)一天回家突然对妻子珍宁(Jeanine)说，他想分手。伊恩哈特说他们之间无休止的斗嘴争执、缺乏沟通以及不再一同做任何事情，这一切都让他感到厌倦。



Three months later husband and wife were back together. They have been married now for 42 years.


妻子伤心地承认了他们婚姻似乎已经破裂这一事实。之后，伊恩哈特从他们在华盛顿州圣胡安岛(San Juan Island)的家中搬了出来，住到了位于圣胡安岛另一侧的一套配备家具的公寓内。



It seems counterintuitive: How can a separation save a marriage? When a couple splits -- even for a trial period -- isn't that just a pit stop on the way to divorce?


三个月后，夫妻二人破镜重圆。到今年他们已经结婚42年了。



Surprisingly, many marriage therapists recommend a separation, albeit as a measure of last resort. They say that if both spouses set specific parameters, the space and time to think that a trial separation provides just might be what is needed to save the relationship. Still, there are few, if any, statistics that show whether it works or how many couples try separating.


这看起来有些有违常理：分手怎么反而能够挽救婚姻呢？一对夫妇分开，哪怕只是尝试分手，难道不是走向离婚终点的一个临时停靠处吗？



Sharon Gilchrest O'Neill, a marriage and family therapist in Mount Kisco, N.Y., has helped about 40 couples arrange trial separations over the past 20 years and says that about half reconciled and remained married.


令人意外的是，许多婚姻心理咨询师推荐用分手拯救婚姻，哪怕是作为实在无计可施时的最后一招。他们认为，如果夫妻双方能够设定一些限制，那么试分手期间夫妻双方能够获得的思考空间和时间或许恰是挽救婚姻所需要的。不过很少有这方面的统计数据来显示试分手是否有效，以及有多少对夫妇尝试过这一招。



Ms. O'Neill recommends that a separation shouldn't just happen -- after one partner storms out, say. The couple should decide who will move out and where that person will live, how the finances will be handled, the care-giving of the kids, what to tell friends and family, and -- very importantly -- how long the separation will last. She believes that six months is ideal, and most experts agree. It's long enough to set up a second household and gain perspective, but not long enough to seem permanent.


纽约州芒特基斯科(Mount Kisco)的莎伦•吉尔克里斯特•奥尼尔(Sharon Gilchrest O'Neill)是一位婚姻和家庭问题心理咨询师。在过去20年里，她曾经帮助40多对夫妇安排过试分手。据奥尼尔说，其中大约一半的夫妇重归于好并将婚姻维系了下来。



If a couple has experienced infidelity, they should deal with that issue in therapy before planning a separation, says Ms. O'Neill.


奥尼尔建议，试分手不应该任其自然发生，比如说，不能以一方怒气冲冲离家出走的方式开始。夫妻双方应该事先对一些问题做出决定：如哪一方搬出家门、离开的一方住在何处、财务问题如何解决、如何照顾孩子、如何告知朋友家人、以及非常重要的一点──试分手要持续多久。奥尼尔认为，试分手持续六个月最为合适，大多数专家也都这么认为。六个月的时间足以让搬出去的一方安顿下来，并让双方了解另一种生活，同时又不至于因为时间太长而使得结束分手看起来遥遥无期。



Marriage therapists say that by the time most couples show up in therapy talking about divorce it's often too late to salvage the relationship. There's so much anger, hurt and mistrust that the partners can't work out their issues.


奥尼尔称，如果要分手的夫妻中有一方出轨，那么他们应该在计划试分手之前先通过婚姻专家解决这个问题。



But what if the partners took a break before the hatred set in? It wouldn't have to be the formalseparation that is often a legal precursor to divorce, but an informal break to give the spouses some space to breathe, think and calm down.


婚姻问题专家称，大多数夫妻找到心理咨询师去谈论离婚问题时通常他们的婚姻已经无可挽回了。那时夫妻间已满是怨气、伤害及不信任感，无法平心静气地解决问题。



Often, the reality-check that marital separations provide -- the prospect of unraveling finances, facing dating again, fully grasping the collateral damage done to the kids -- is enough to make people resolve to work harder on the marriage.


不过，如果两个人能在怨气丛生之前分开冷静一下呢？分手不一定是正式的──正式的分手往往会成为离婚的前奏──而是非正式的暂时分开，给对方一些喘息和思考的空间，让双方平静下来。



'Sometimes having a dress rehearsal for divorce makes them realize they don't want to do it,' says Richard Levak, a psychologist who works with couples in Del Mar, Calif.


通常，分手期间夫妻双方对各种现实问题的考量，如离婚需要面临的财产问题、未来不得不重新开始面对的约会、以及对于离婚可能对子女所造成间接伤害的意识，就足以促使人们为维系婚姻做出更多努力。



Linda Lea Viken, a divorceattorney in Rapid City, S.D., and president of the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers, says it's important for each party to understand the other's motivation. She has seen cases in which one person isn't really interested in reconciling, but wants to use the separation to buy time to rearrange or dispose of assets.


加州德尔马(Del Mar)的婚姻心理专家理查德•里瓦克(Richard Levak)说，有时候对离婚进行一次"戴装演练"能够让人们意识到，这不是他们想要的。



Ms. Viken also warns couples that the arrangements made during a trial separation, such as who pays the bills and where the children live, may have a big impact on an eventual divorce, if there is one. It will be hard, for example, to convince a judge to award full custody of the children to one parent if in the separation period the couple had agreed to a 50-50 split. For this reason, she suggests that each spouseconsult a divorceattorney.


南达科塔州拉皮德市(Rapid City)的离婚律师、美国婚姻律师学会会长(American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers)琳达•维肯(Linda Lea Viken)表示，对任何一方而言，了解对方的动机都很重要。在她接触过的一些案例中，试分手夫妻中的一方并不是真的有意重归于好，而只是希望借试分手赢得时间来重新安排或处置资产。



Then there's the fraught issue of whether each party is allowed to see other people during the separation. Some therapists believe that dating is OK, as long as both parties are truly comfortable with the decision. Ms. Viken disagrees. 'If one of the parties wants to date, this is not a trial separation, it's the end,' she says.


维肯还提醒说，一旦最终离婚，那么试分手期间的各项安排，比如由谁来负担开支以及孩子住在何处等，可能会对最终的离婚安排产生重要影响。比如说，如果试分手期间夫妻双方同意分享孩子的监护权，那么离婚法庭上就很难说服法官将监护权完全交给一方。出于这个原因，她建议准备通过试分手挽救婚姻的夫妻分别咨询一下专业律师。



Another tricky issue: What to tell family and friends? Experts say couples should decide together what the party line is, then tell only those people who really need to know. 'Until a marriage is going to go down the path of divorce, you should keep as much to yourselves as you can, otherwise it may come back to haunt you if you stay together,' Ms. O'Neill says.


有个令人头痛的问题：分手期间双方是否可以约会其他人？一些专家认为只要双方认可，就毫无问题。但维肯不这么想。她说，如果有一方想约会别人，那么这就不是试分手、而是婚姻的终结了。



The Earnharts, who are both 61 and live in Friday Harbor, Wash., decided to separate in 2003. They say they had gotten to the point where they barely spoke. He spent his spare time golfing, and she went shopping or to lunch with friends. They ate dinner in front of the TV without talking, gave each other the silent treatment for days on end, and rarely had sex. By the time Mr. Earnhart decided to move out, the couple had read numerous self-help books, taken separate vacations and gone to see two marriage therapists. Nothing helped. Ms. Earnhart wrote down a list of things that irritated her about her husband. At the top: The way he chewed, monopolized a conversation and walked like a duck.


还有个棘手的问题：如何告知家人和朋友呢？专家称，夫妻双方应该共同商定一个范围，然后只告诉那些确实需要知道的人。奥尼尔说，在不得不离婚前，分手的消息应该尽量不告诉他人，否则它会成为未来的一大困扰，在夫妻双方决定维持婚姻后，不断回来捣乱。



'We repelled each other,' Mr. Earnhart says.


上文提到的伊恩哈特夫妇如今都已61岁，住在华盛顿州的弗莱德港(Friday Harbor)。他们在2003年决定分手。据他们说，因为那时俩人已经到了无话可说的地步。丈夫闲暇时去打高尔夫，妻子则去购物或是约朋友出去吃午餐。他们的晚餐都是一言不发地在电视机前吃完，之后互不交谈各自睡去，很少共赴温柔乡。在丈夫决定搬出去之前，他们已经读了很多挽救婚姻的书籍，尝试分别度假，并咨询了两位婚姻专家。但这些都无济于事。妻子列了张单子，历数丈夫令她厌烦的种种，其中第一条是：他嚼东西的方式、聊天时只顾自己夸夸其谈、走路像只鸭子。



'I thought, 'Why not do what you want to do?'' adds his wife. 'Life is too short and I don't like you anyway.'


丈夫说："那时我们彼此厌恶对方。"



So he moved to a condo, yet continued to pay the couple's bills. She stayed in their house. They told their adult son and daughter why they were separating and were relieved when their kids said they understood.


他妻子补充说："当时我想，'为什么不做些自己想做的事情呢？'生命短暂，而我已经不喜欢你了。"



And they talked regularly, at first on the phone. Then Mr. Earnhart started coming over to the house with a bottle of wine. They would sit outside, look at the water and discuss how to divide up their assets in a divorce. They talked about how they could communicate better and be less judgmental.


所以丈夫搬去了外面的公寓，不过继续负担着两个人的开支。妻子仍住在他们的老房子里。两人将分手的理由告诉他们已经成年了的儿子和女儿，孩子们表示理解，这让他们感到宽慰。



After awhile, they realized they missed their friendship. They talked about the memories they shared -- how they'd bought a house and built a life together -- and wondered what they were doing by throwing it all away. One night, they ended up in bed together.


之后他们不时地聊聊天，起初是在电话里。后来，丈夫开始时常带瓶酒回到妻子的住所。他们会坐在屋外，望着水面讨论一旦离婚该如何分割家产。他们谈起如何能够更好地沟通、而不是那么主观任性。



'It was kind of like falling in love again,' says Ms. Earnhart. 'He would come over for some silly reason, and we would have a heck of a conversation and a really good time.'


一段时间后，他们意识到他们怀念彼此间的感情。他们谈起昔日共有的回忆，谈起他们如何买下这栋房子、如何共同建起一个家，他们不明白他们怎么会将这一切忍心抛开。一天晚上，他们一起上了床。



'When you are apart, you have time to reflect, first on all of the things that were upsetting in your life with each other,' says her husband. 'And then you realize that you've allowed things that maybe aren't really important to take on a life of their own.'


妻子说："那感觉好像我们重新坠入了爱河，他会找一些愚蠢的理由来我这里，我们会说很多话，度过一段很开心的时光。"



After three months of living apart, Mr. Earnhart moved back in.


丈夫说，"分开时，你有时间思考，起初想到的是一些生活中让彼此不快的事情，之后你会意识到，你把一些无关紧要的事情看得太重了。"



Now, the couple tries to talk out problems as soon as they arise, often leaving each other polite, little notes about an issue, like the one that Ms. Earnhart recently left her husband, telling him she felt he had been rude and didn't want to stew on the issue. He left her a note, apologizing.


分开三个月后，伊恩哈特先生搬回了自己的家。



They also entertain friends and travel, taking road trips to California and Alaska. Mr. Earnhart cooks dinner each night, and the two often eat while watching -- and discussing -- whatever is on the Food Network. They have self-published a book about marriage, called 'Marriage Works.'


如今每当有问题出现，这对夫妇就会试图通过沟通解决，他们会给对方留一些措辞礼貌的小纸条。比如妻子最近给丈夫写了张字条，告诉他，她感觉他最近有些无礼，而她不喜欢这样。丈夫则回复了一张字条道歉。



'You can get to the point where you feel that there's no way that you will ever fall in love with this person again, but you can,' says Ms. Earnhart. 'He still waddles like a duck, but now I love him for it.'


他们还会请朋友来家里玩，或者是驾车去加州或是阿拉斯加旅行。伊恩哈特先生每天晚上都会在家做晚饭，俩人常常边吃边看餐饮频道Food Network，并对上面的内容品头论足一番。他们还自己出了一本关于婚姻的书，书名叫做《婚姻行得通》(Marriage Works)。



Elizabeth Bernstein


Copyright © 2023 Qeto All rights reserved.
商务合作 | 联系我们 | 关于我们 | 版权声明 | 隐私条款 | 如果智培

京ICP备05059198号-1 京公网安备 11011202003401号