Ilych would turn his attention to it and try to drive the thought
of it away, but without success. *It* would come and stand before
him and look at him, and he would be petrified and the light would
die out of his eyes, and he would again begin asking himself
whether *It* alone was true. And his
colleagues and subordinates
would see with surprise and
distress that he, the
brilliant and
subtle judge, was becoming confused and making mistakes. He would
shake himself, try to pull himself together, manage somehow to
bring the sitting to a close, and return home with the sorrowful
consciousness that his
judicial labours could not as
formerly hide
from him what he wanted them to hide, and could not deliver him
from *It*. And what was worst of all was that *It* drew his
attention to itself not in order to make him take some action but
only that he should look at *It*, look it straight in the face:
look at it and without doing anything, suffer inexpressibly.
And to save himself from this condition Ivan Ilych looked for
consolations -- new
screens -- and new
screens were found and for
a while seemed to save him, but then they immediately fell to
pieces or rather became
transparent, as if *It* penetrated them and
nothing could veil *It*.
In these latter days he would go into the
drawing-room he had
arranged -- that
drawing-room where he had fallen and for the sake
of which (how
bitterlyridiculous it seemed) he had sacrificed his
life -- for he knew that his
illness originated with that knock.
He would enter and see that something had scratched the polished
table. He would look for the cause of this and find that it was
the
bronze ornamentation of an album, that had got bent. He would
take up the
expensive album which he had lovingly arranged, and
feel vexed with his daughter and her friends for their untidiness
-- for the album was torn here and there and some of the
photographs turned
upside down. He would put it carefully in order
and bend the ornamentation back into position. Then it would occur
to him to place all those things in another corner of the room,
near the plants. He would call the
footman, but his daughter or
wife would come to help him. They would not agree, and his wife
would
contradict him, and he would
dispute and grow angry. But that
was all right, for then he did not think about *It*. *It* was
invisible.
But then, when he was moving something himself, his wife would
say: "Let the servants do it. You will hurt yourself again." And
suddenly *It* would flash through the
screen and he would see it.
It was just a flash, and he hoped it would disappear, but he would
involuntarily pay attention to his side. "It sits there as before,
gnawing just the same!" And he could no longer forget *It*, but
could
distinctly see it looking at him from behind the flowers.
"What is it all for?"
"It really is so! I lost my life over that curtain as I might
have done when storming a fort. Is that possible? How terrible
and how
stupid. It can't be true! It can't, but it is."
He would go to his study, lie down, and again be alone with
*It*: face to face with *It*. And nothing could be done with *It*
except to look at it and shudder.
VII
How it happened it is impossible to say because it came about
step by step, unnoticed, but in the third month of Ivan Ilych's
illness, his wife, his daughter, his son, his acquaintances, the
doctors, the servants, and above all he himself, were aware that
the whole interest he had for other people was whether he would
soon vacate his place, and at last
release the living from the
discomfort caused by his presence and be himself
released from his
sufferings.
He slept less and less. He was given opium and hypodermic
injections of morphine, but this did not
relieve him. The dull
depression he
experienced in a somnolent condition at first gave
him a little
relief, but only as something new, afterwards it
became as
distressing as the pain itself or even more so.
Special foods were prepared for him by the doctors' orders,
but all those foods became
increasinglydistasteful and disgusting
to him.
For his excretions also special arrangements had to be made,
and this was a
torment to him every time -- a
torment from the
uncleanliness, the unseemliness, and the smell, and from knowing
that another person had to take part in it.
But just through his most
unpleasant matter, Ivan Ilych
obtained comfort. Gerasim, the butler's young
assistant, always
came in to carry the things out. Gerasim was a clean, fresh
peasant lad, grown stout on town food and always
cheerful and