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August 9. Nothing, but I am afraid.



August 10. Nothing; but what will happen to-morrow?

August 11. Still nothing. I cannot stop at home with this fear



hanging over me and these thoughts in my mind; I shall go away.

August 12. Ten o'clock at night. All day long I have been trying



to get away, and have not been able. I contemplated a simple and

easy act of liberty, a carriage ride to Rouen--and I have not



been able to do it. What is the reason?

August 13. When one is attacked by certain maladies, the springs



of our physical being seem broken, our energies destroyed, our

muscles relaxed, our bones to be as soft as our flesh, and our



blood as liquid as water. I am experiencing the same in my moral

being, in a strange and distressing manner. I have no longer any



strength, any courage, any self-control, nor even any power to

set my own will in motion. I have no power left to WILL anything,



but some one does it for me and I obey.

August 14. I am lost! Somebody possesses my soul and governs it!



Somebody orders all my acts, all my movements, all my thoughts. I

am no longer master of myself, nothing except an enslaved and



terrified spectator of the things which I do. I wish to go out; I

cannot. HE does not wish to; and so I remain, trembling and



distracted in the armchair in which he keeps me sitting. I merely

wish to get up and to rouse myself, so as to think that I am



still master of myself: I cannot! I am riveted to my chair, and

my chair adheres to the floor in such a manner that no force of



mine can move us.

Then suddenly, I must, I MUST go to the foot of my garden to pick



some strawberries and eat them --and I go there. I pick the

strawberries and I eat them! Oh! my God! my God! Is there a God?



If there be one, deliver me! save me! succor me! Pardon! Pity!

Mercy! Save me! Oh! what sufferings! what torture! what horror!



August 15. Certainly this is the way in which my poor cousin was

possessed and swayed, when she came to borrow five thousand



francs of me. She was under the power of a strange will which had

entered into her, like another soul, a parasitic and ruling soul.



Is the world coming to an end?

But who is he, this invisible being that rules me, this



unknowable being, this rover of a supernatural race?

Invisible beings exist, then! how is it, then, that since the



beginning of the world they have never manifested themselves in

such a manner as they do to me? I have never read anything that



resembles what goes on in my house. Oh! If I could only leave it,

if I could only go away and flee, and never return, I should be



saved; but I cannot.

August 16. I managed to escape to-day for two hours, like a



prisoner who finds the door of his dungeonaccidentally open. I

suddenly felt that I was free and that He was far away, and so I



gave orders to put the horses in as quickly as possible, and I

drove to Rouen. Oh! how delightful to be able to say to my



coachman: "Go to Rouen!"

I made him pull up before the library, and I begged them to lend



me Dr. Herrmann Herestauss's treatise on the unknown inhabitants

of the ancient and modern world.



Then, as I was getting into my carriage, I intended to say: "To

the railway station!" but instead of this I shouted--I did not



speak; but I shouted--in such a loud voice that all the

passers-by turned round: "Home!" and I fell back on to the



cushion of my carriage, overcome by mental agony. He had found me

out and regained possession of me.



August 17. Oh! What a night! what a night! And yet it seems to me

that I ought to rejoice. I read until one o'clock in the morning!



Herestauss, Doctor of Philosophy and Theogony, wrote the history

and the manifestation of all those invisible beings which hover



around man, or of whom he dreams. He describes their origin,

their domains, their power; but none of them resembles the one



which haunts me. One might say that man, ever since he has

thought, has had a foreboding and a fear of a new being, stronger



than himself, his successor in this world, and that, feeling him

near, and not being able to foretell the nature of the unseen



one, he has, in his terror, created the whole race of hidden

beings, vague phantoms born of fear.



Having, therefore, read until one o'clock in the morning, I went

and sat down at the open window, in order to cool my forehead and



my thoughts in the calm night air. It was very pleasant and warm!

How I should have enjoyed such a night formerly!






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