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Catriona-Part33_ROBERT LOUIS STEVENSON(1850-1894)_English Literature(文学名著)-第2页

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WHAT MUST SHE THINK OF ME? was my one thought that softened me

continually into weakness. WHAT IS TO BECOME OF US? the other which



steeled me again to resolution. This was my first night of wakefulness

and divided counsels, of which I was now to pass many, pacing like a



madman, sometimes weeping like a childish boy, sometimes praying (I

fain would hope) like a Christian.



But prayer is not very difficult, and the hitch comes in practice. In

her presence, and above all if I allowed any beginning of familiarity,



I found I had very little command of what should follow. But to sit

all day in the same room with her, and feign to be engaged upon



Heineccius, surpassed my strength. So that I fell instead upon the

expedient of absenting myself so much as I was able; taking out classes



and sitting there regularly, often with small attention, the test of

which I found the other day in a note-book of that period, where I had



left off to follow an edifying lecture and actually scribbled in my

book some very ill verses, though the Latinity is rather better than I



thought that I could ever have compassed. The evil of this course was

unhappily near as great as its advantage. I had the less time of



trial, but I believe, while the time lasted, I was tried the more

extremely. For she being so much left to solitude, she came to greet



my return with an increasing fervour that came nigh to overmaster me.

These friendly offers I must barbarously cast back; and my rejection



sometimes wounded her so cruelly that I must unbend and seek to make it

up to her in kindness. So that our time passed in ups and downs, tiffs



and disappointments, upon the which I could almost say (if it may be

said with reverence) that I was crucified.



The base of my trouble was Catriona's extraordinaryinnocence, at which

I was not so much surprised as filled with pity and admiration. She



seemed to have no thought of our position, no sense of my struggles;

welcomed any mark of my weakness with responsive joy; and when I was



drove again to my retrenchments, did not always dissemble her chagrin.

There were times when I have thought to myself, "If she were over head



in love, and set her cap to catch me, she would scarcebehave much

otherwise;" and then I would fall again into wonder at the simplicity



of woman, from whom I felt (in these moments) that I was not worthy to

be descended.



There was one point in particular on which our warfare turned, and of

all things, this was the question of her clothes. My baggage had soon



followed me from Rotterdam, and hers from Helvoet. She had now, as it

were, two wardrobes; and it grew to be understood between us (I could



never tell how) that when she was friendly she would wear my clothes,

and when otherwise her own. It was meant for a buffet, and (as it



were) the renunciation of her gratitude; and I felt it so in my bosom,

but was generally more wise than to appear to have observed the



circumstance.

Once, indeed, I was betrayed into a childishness greater than her own;



it fell in this way. On my return from classes, thinking upon her

devoutly with a great deal of love and a good deal of annoyance in the



bargain, the annoyance began to fade away out of my mind; and spying in

a window one of those forced flowers, of which the Hollanders are so



skilled in the artifice, I gave way to an impulse and bought it for

Catriona. I do not know the name of that flower, but it was of the



pink colour, and I thought she would admire the same, and carried it

home to her with a wonderful soft heart. I had left her in my clothes,



and when I returned to find her all changed and a face to match, I cast

but the one look at her from head to foot, ground my teeth together,



flung the window open, and my flower into the court, and then (between

rage and prudence) myself out of that room again, of which I slammed



she door as I went out.

On the steep stair I came near falling, and this brought me to myself,



so that I began at once to see the folly of my conduct. I went, not

into the street as I had purposed, but to the house court, which was



always a solitary place, and where I saw my flower (that had cost me

vastly more than it was worth) hanging in the leafless tree. I stood



by the side of the canal, and looked upon the ice. Country people went

by on their skates, and I envied them. I could see no way out of the



pickle I was in no way so much as to return to the room I had just

left. No doubt was in my mind but I had now betrayed the secret of my



feelings; and to make things worse, I had shown at the same time (and

that with wretched boyishness) incivility to my helpless guest.



I suppose she must have seen me from the open window. It did not seem

to me that I had stood there very long before I heard the crunching of



footsteps on the frozen snow, and turning somewhat angrily (for I was

in no spirit to be interrupted) saw Catriona drawing near. She was all



changed again, to the clocked stockings.

"Are we not to have our walk to-day?" said she.






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