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Fantastic Fables-Part6_Ambrose Bierce(1842-1914)_English Literature(文学名著)-第2页

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Cadi's hand.

"Good," said the Cadi. "I shall now remove but one half your head.



To show my trust in your discretion I shall leave intact the half

you talk with."



The Kangaroo and the Zebra

A KANGAROO hopping awkwardly along with some bulky object concealed



in her pouch met a Zebra, and desirous of keeping his attention

upon himself, said:



"Your costume looks as if you might have come out of the

penitentiary."



"Appearances are deceitful," replied the Zebra, smiling in the

consciousness of a more insupportable wit, "or I should have to



think that you had come out of the Legislature."

A Matter of Method



A PHILOSOPHER seeing a Fool beating his Donkey, said:

"Abstain, my son, abstain, I implore. Those who resort to violence



shall suffer from violence."

"That," said the Fool, diligently belabouring the animal, "is what



I'm trying to teach this beast - which has kicked me."

"Doubtless," said the Philosopher to himself, as he walked away,



"the wisdom of fools is no deeper nor truer than ours, but they

really do seem to have a more impressive way of imparting it."



The Man of Principle

DURING a shower of rain the Keeper of a Zoological garden observed



a Man of Principle crouching beneath the belly of the ostrich,

which had drawn itself up to its full height to sleep.



"Why, my dear sir," said the Keeper, "if you fear to get wet, you'd

better creep into the pouch of yonder female kangaroo - the



SALTARIX MACKINTOSHA - for if that ostrich wakes he will kick you

to death in a minute."



"I can't help that," the Man of Principle replied, with that lofty

scorn of practical considerations distinguishing his species. "He



may kick me to death if he wish, but until he does he shall give me

shelter from the storm. He has swallowed my umbrella."



The Returned Californian

A MAN was hanged by the neck until he was dead.



"Whence do you come?" Saint Peter asked when the Man presented

himself at the gate of Heaven.



"From California," replied the applicant.

"Enter, my son, enter; you bring joyous tidings."



When the Man had vanished inside, Saint Peter took his memorandum-

tablet and made the following entry:



"February 16, 1893. California occupied by the Christians."

The Compassionate Physician



A KIND-HEARTED Physician sitting at the bedside of a patient

afflicted with an incurable and painful disease, heard a noise



behind him, and turning saw a cat laughing at the feeble efforts of

a wounded mouse to drag itself out of the room.



"You cruel beast!" cried he. "Why don't you kill it at once, like

a lady?"



Rising, he kicked the cat out of the door, and picking up the mouse

compassionately put it out of its misery by pulling off its head.



Recalled to the bedside by the moans of his patient, the Kind-

hearted Physician administered a stimulant, a tonic, and a



nutrient, and went away.

Two of the Damned



TWO Blighted Beings, haggard, lachrymose, and detested, met on a

blasted heath in the light of a struggling moon.



"I wish you a merry Christmas," said the First Blighted Being, in a

voice like that of a singing tomb.



"And I you a happy New Year," responded the Second Blighted Being,

with the accent of a penitent accordeon.



They then fell upon each other's neck and wept scalding rills down

each other's spine in token of their banishment to the Realm of



Ineffable Bosh. For one of these accursed creatures was the First

of January, and the other the Twenty-fifth of December.



The Austere Governor




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