The One With The Proposal

Part I Written by: Shana Goldberg-Meehan & Scott Silveri
Part II Written by: Andrew Reich & Ted Cohen
Parts I and II Transcribed by: Eric Aasen

[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Chandler is showing Ross, Rachel, Joey, and Phoebe his engagement ring again.]
Ross: God that is the most beautiful engagement ring ever!
Rachel: Yeah? Well, you should know. You?ve bought like a billion of ?em.
Ross: Yeah, you didn?t get one.
Chandler: Okay, well tonight?s the big night.
Phoebe: Yeah!
Joey: Okay listen, how are you gonna ask her?
Chandler: It is going to be perfect. I am taking her to her favorite restaurant. I?m going to get her a bottle of the champagne that she really loves; therefore knows how expensive it is. Then when the glasses are full, instead of proposing a toast I?m just gonna propose.
Rachel: Ohh?
Joey: That sounds perfect!
Chandler: Yeah.
Joey: You?re gonna mess it up let me do it.
Chandler: I?m not gonna mess it up.
Phoebe: If she says no, can I have the ring?
Chandler: She?s not gonna say no.
Phoebe: If!
Monica: (entering) Hey!
Ross: Hey!
(Monica?s entrance makes Phoebe try to hide the ring by putting it in her mouth.)
Chandler: Hey!
Phoebe: (with her mouthful) Hi Monica.
(Monica goes into her room.)
Chandler: (To Phoebe) Give me it!
Phoebe: It?s gone.
Chandler: Phoebe!
(She takes it out of her mouth and hands it to him as Monica returns from her room and this time forcing Chandler to put the ring in his mouth.)
Joey: Hey!
Chandler: (with his mouthful) Hi Monica.
(She goes into the bathroom.)
Phoebe: (To Chandler) We?re practically kissing. (Makes a kissy face and winks at him.)
Opening Credits
[Scene: Central Perk, Monica, Chandler, Phoebe, and Joey are there as Rachel enters.]
Rachel: (entering) Hey!
Chandler: Hey!
Joey: Hey Rach!
Rachel: Are any of you guys free tonight? My boss is hosting this charity event for underprivileged kids and the more people I bring, the better I look. So, Monica? Chandler?
Chandler: (glaring at her) Well, Monica and Chandler can?t go. We?re going to dinner remember?!
Rachel: Oh my God, I?m so sorry.
Monica: What?s the big deal?
Chandler: I just get mad when Rachel doesn?t remember where we?re going.
Joey: Where are you going?
(Chandler stares at him.)
Rachel: How about you guys? (Points to Phoebe and Joey.)
Phoebe: Open bar?
Rachel: I think so.
Phoebe: I can do that for the kids.
Joey: Hey, y?know what? I?ll come too. I?m making money now; it?s about time I give something back.
Chandler: Well, you could also give back the money you owe me.
Joey: Okay. Have a benefit.
Ross: (entering) Hey!
Rachel: Hey! Ross, listen can you come to a charity event tonight?
Ross: Oh no, I have plans with Elizabeth.
Chandler: Oh, so you?re already doing your part for the kids.
Ross: I?m sorry, it?s just one of my last nights together before she leaves for camp?to be a counselor!
Monica: Ross let me ask you a question. All jokes aside, where is this relationship going?
Chandler: Wait a minute, all jokes aside? I didn?t agree to that!
Monica: Do you really see this as a long-term thing?
Ross: I don?t know.
Phoebe: Y?know, you are 12 years older than her.
Ross: Wait a minute, does-does everyone feel this way?
All: Yeah! Yeah, sort of. I?m sorry.
Ross: Uh-uh?Wow! Uh, I thought you guys were just like making jokes, I had no idea. What you know what? You guys are wrong. Uh yes, there is a chronological age difference but I never notice it. You know why? Because she is very mature. Besides, it doesn?t really matter to me what you guys think. I mean, I?m the one dating Elizabeth, not you!
Joey: That?s not what she said last night. (Ross glares at him.)
Rachel: See? Now, he could date her.
[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Chandler is practicing proposing.]
Chandler: Will you marry me? Will you marry me? (Makes like a gun with his fingers.) Hey, you marry me! (He gives up as Joey, Rachel, Phoebe, and Ross slink in all excited.) What?s going on little elves?
Joey: It?s the big night! We wanted to wish you good luck!
Ross: Yeah, yeah you have the ring?
Chandler: Yeah, right here in my pocket. (Pats his pocket. Phoebe smiles, goes over to hug him, and removes the ring from his pocket.) Pheebs?
Phoebe: Oh! Oop! (Hands him back the ring.)
Chandler: Okay, now will you guys get out of here? I want this is to be a surprise and she?s gonna know.
Ross: (to the rest of them) Yeah-yeah you guys. Get out of here!
(Monica enters from the bedroom.)
Monica: Hi guys.
Chandler: (To Monica) You look beautiful.
Monica: Oh, thank you! (The gang exhibits signs of quiet apprehension and wears knowing glances.) (Monica giggles.) What?s going on?
Rachel: (breaking up) We?re just really?very excited about this charity event that we have to go to.
[Scene: The Charity Event, they?re holding a silent auction, Rachel is looking at one of the items and Phoebe walks up and hands her a glass of wine.]
Phoebe: Here.
Rachel: Oh! Thank you!
Phoebe: So now what?s going on here?
Rachel: Uh well, uh this is a silent auction. They lay out all the stuff here and then you write down your offer and then the highest bid gets it.
Phoebe: No, I know what a silent is I meant, what?s going on with your hair?
Rachel: (suddenly worried) Uh, wh-why?
Phoebe: No! It?s nice!
(Rachel?s boss, Mr. Thompson walks up.)
Mr. Thompson: Nice to see you Rachel.
Rachel: Oh, hi!
Mr. Thompson: So glad you brought someone.
Rachel: Someone? I brought people. Mr. Thompson, this is Phoebe. Phoebe, this is Mr. Thompson. (She introduces them.) He?s the head of my department.
Phoebe: Oh, hi. (They shake hands.)
Rachel: And I also brought my friend Joey?
Joey: (behind them) Oh!! Shrimp toast! (Walks right past the little group on his way for the shrimp toast.)
Rachel: Well, y?know I-I don?t know where he is.
Mr. Thompson: Well, I hope you?re gonna bid on some things Rachel.
Rachel: Well, y?know what? Actually, I was about to bid on this lovely trip to Paris.
Mr. Thompson: Ohh, nice choice.
Rachel: Yeah.
Mr. Thompson: Good luck.
Rachel: Thank you. (Mr. Thompson walks away and after he?s left.) Okay, (writing her bid down) twenty dollars.
[Scene: Elizabeth?s Dorm Room, Ross is walking up to her door and knocks on it. Suddenly the door opens and Elizabeth drags him into the room.]
{Transcriber?s Note: Elizabeth has two friends in the room with her who are named in the credits, but not in this scene. So I?m just gonna guess since it doesn?t matter one way or the other. (The last part is to discourage e-mails, who cares if I got it right or not?)}
Zoe: Shut the door! Shut the door!! (Runs over and closes the door.)
Ross: What?s-what?s going on?
Elizabeth: The guys across the hall are throwing water balloons at us.
Ross: Oh, you have to call the police! That?s what I did to the kids in my building!
Elizabeth: No, it?s a water balloon fight! We started it!
Ross: Oh! (Does a laugh/groan.) Listen umm, I, I just stopped by to see if you wanted to see this play tonight. Umm, it?s supposed to be excellent. The director is the same?
Elizabeth: (ignoring him and picking up a pitcher) Who drank all the Kamikazes?
Sarah: (approaching with two filled balloons in her hands) Nobody! We put them in here! (Indicates the aforementioned balloons causing both of them to scream in delight and start drinking from the balloons.)
Elizabeth: (To Ross) You want some?! (Starts to squirt the Kamikaze at him.)
Ross: No! Okay! Okay! (Stops her.) Okay, look, can I, can I just-just talk to you for a second?
Elizabeth: Yeah, sure.
Ross: Uh, so this play umm, what do you think? It?s-it?s gotten great reviews! Y?know the uh?
(Suddenly the door opens and two guys come rushing in wielding water balloons.)
First Dorm Guy: Attack!
(They start lobbing the balloons in. Ross desperately tries to get out of the line of fire but is struck in the back. The girls all retreat to relative safety behind the couch.)
Second Dorm Guy: Put your balloons down!
The Girls: You put your balloons down!!
First Dorm Guy: You put your balloons down!!
(Both opposing camps start screaming at each other to drop their weapons and surrender. Finally, Ross steps in as a mediator.)
Ross: (screaming) Everybody put their balloons down!!! (There is a temporary cease fire.) Now this is a nice suit!! (Shows everyone where he was hit.)
[Scene: The Charity Event, Mr. Thompson is announcing the winners of the silent auction.]
Mr. Thompson: Our next item is the romantic trip to Paris. (Pause.) It goes to Emil Alexander high a high bid of 2,300.
Rachel: Ugh! So close!
(Phoebe returns a with a tray full of different kinds of drinks.)
Phoebe: Hey you guys! Look!
Joey: Hey!
Phoebe: I got me some drinks!
Rachel: What are you doing?
Phoebe: Open bar!
Rachel: Well now it?s an empty bar.
Phoebe: You just can?t stand anyone else enjoying themselves can?t you?
Mr. Thompson: And finally, our biggest item of the night, the 22-foot gentleman?s day sailer sailboat. The winning bid was a whooping $20,000! (Joey suddenly gets excited.)
Joey: I won! That was my guess!
Rachel: What?! What?! What?!
Joey: I guessed 20,000!
Rachel: Joey! It is an auction! You don?t guess, you buy!
Joey: What?! I don?t have 20,000!
Mr. Thompson: Congratulations on your new boat, Joey Tribbiani!!
(Everyone applauds and he stands up slowly.)
Rachel: Joey! Sit down! (Pulls him down.)
Phoebe: Forget her! You enjoy this!! (Pulls him back up and starts applauding again. Joey waves and does a salute.]
[Scene: A Restaurant, Monica and Chandler are sitting at a table. Monica is checking her makeup as Chandler suddenly has a horrifying thought and starts patting down his pockets until he finds what he?s looking for and sighs in relief.]
Monica: What are you doing?
Chandler: (trying to cover up why his hand is over his heart) One nation, under God. Indivisible with liberty and justice for all. (Laughs.) I remembered it. (It?s a butchered version of the Pledge of Allegiance of the United States for our foreign friends.) The champagne is here. (The waiter is delivering it and pouring two glasses.)
Monica: Are you okay?
Chandler: Yes! Yes! I?m good! Are you good? Are you good? Is everything?are you?are you perrr-perfect?!
Monica: Yeah. I?m okay. I?m actually?I?m a little cold, can I have your jacket?
Chandler: Oh, yeah. (Starts to take it off and then realizes) Uh, no you can?t have my jacket! Because then I would be cold! If you thought that you were going to be cold, you should?ve brought your own jacket. But uh, other than that, are you okay? Are you okay?
Monica: (laughs) Are you sure you?re okay?
Chandler: Yes! I?m fine. In fact I?ve been fine for a long time now and I think, the reason is you.
Monica: Ohh that?s sweet!
Chandler: Okay umm, before I meant you I had really little life and I couldn?t imagine growing old with?
(As he?s talking Monica notices someone familiar has just entered the restaurant. Let?s see; I seem to remember him driving a Ferrari in Hawaii solving crimes as a private investigator and as a certain eye doctor in more recent times.)
Monica: (interrupting him) Oh my God!
Chandler: (not knowing the true meaning of her exclamation) I know, but just let me say it.
Monica: Oh my God, Richard. (Yep, Richard?s back.)
Chandler: What?! I?m Chandler! (She nods towards the doorway, Chandler turns and looks) Oh, that?s Richard!
Monica: Oh God, maybe he won?t see us. Richard!
(Monica smiles then acts shocked. Chandler can?t believe she just did that.)
Richard: (approaching them with a woman in tow) Monica! Chandler!
Chandler: Hey-hey, hey! (Gets up and hugs him.) I don?t know why I did that!
Monica: Hey, it?s good to see you!
Richard: You too, you let uh, your hair grow long.
Monica: Yeah?Oh that?s right. You, you always wanted me too. Hey, I see you got your mustache back.
Richard: Well, my nose got lonely.
Chandler: (to Richard?s date) And uh, you don?t have a mustache which is good. (She just smiles.) I?m Chandler; I make jokes when I?m uncomfortable.
Richard?s Date: Hi, I?m Lisa.
Chandler: Hi.
Richard: Oh, I?m sorry. (Introduces them.) Lisa, (nodding at each) Monica, Chandler. We used to date.
Chandler: Richard! No one supposed to know about us! (Richard just smiles at him.) See I, did it again.
Monica: Chandler, wh-why don?t we sit down?
Chandler: Yeah, I?ll sit down. (He slides back into his chair.)
Monica: (to Richard) It?s good to see you
Matire'd: (to Richard) You?re table?s ready sir.
Richard: Oh. Good to see you guys.
Chandler: Yes. (Thinking he?s gone.)
Matire'd: (motioning to the empty table next to Monica and Chandler?s) Or if you prefer, this table is available.
Richard: That might be fun. (Richard and Lisa sit down.)
Commercial Break
[Scene: The Charity Event, Rachel, Phoebe, and Joey are sitting at their table.]
Rachel: What were you thinking?!
Joey: I didn?t know it was an auction!
Rachel: Wh?!
Joey: I figured, take a guess, help a charity, free boat!
Rachel: Why would a charity give away a free boat?!
Joey: I don?t know! Charity?
Rachel: Ugh!
Phoebe: Well, just buy the damn boat! (She?s still working her way through her tray of booze.)
Rachel: Phoebe, don?t you think you?ve had enough to drink?
Phoebe: I?m just helping the kids!
Rachel: How is you drinking helping the kids?
Phoebe: Because the more I drink, the less there is for the kids to drink.
Mr. Thompson: (approaching) Mr. Tribbiani.
Joey: Oh hi!
Mr. Thompson: Your generous contribution brings us a big step closer to building the youth center.
Joey: Just out of curiosity, how-how much is that boat worth?
Mr. Thompson: I think it was valued at 19,000
Joey: (To Rachel) Hey, I was pretty close. (She just glares at him.) Uhh, so bad news. Umm, I can?t buy the boat, I don?t have any money.
(Mr. Thompson looks shocked and at Rachel, she suddenly starts laughing.)
Rachel: Joey! Joey, good one! (Mr. Thompson starts to laugh.)
Mr. Thompson: That?s good. Very good! (Walks away.)
(After he?s left, Rachel stops laughing and glares at Joey again.)
Joey: So uh listen, I think I?m gonna take off now. (Starts to get up.)
Rachel: (stopping him) Hey! You?can?t?leave Joey! You agreed to buy that boat, all right?! That is a contract! And plus if you leave, my boss is gonna kill me!
Joey: Well, what am I gonna do Rach?! I don?t have that kind of money!
Rachel: I know. Okay. (Whispering and thinking.) Okay. Okay. All right. All right, this is what we?re gonna do, we are gonna go to the next highest bidder, and we are just gonna let them buy it, and then you?re just gonna pay the difference.
Joey: Okay.
Rachel: Okay.
Joey: Look, I don?t know why the kids need a youth center anyway! Y?know? They should just watch TV after school like I did and I turned out fine!
Rachel: Not great.
[Scene: The Restaurant, Monica and Chandler?s and Richard and Lisa?s tables have been pushed together and they?re all eating and talking.]
Monica: And so, we?re hiding in the bathroom.
Richard: And-and then I sneak out and before Monica can her parents come in.
Monica: So I hide in the shower and the next thing you know they?re going at it right on the bathroom floor.
Lisa: (laughing) Oh my God!
{Transcriber?s Note: For further reading on the above story, please check out The One Where Joey Moves Out .}
Chandler: I got a good one, I got a good one! I once walked in on both my parents making love to the same guy.
(An awkward silence ensues.)
Richard: It?s so great seeing you guys again. I?d like to make a toast. (Everyone raises their glasses) Uh, as a poet once said, "In the sweetness of friendship, let there be laughter and sharing of pleasures for in the due of little things the heart finds it?s morning and is refreshed."
Monica: Ohh.
Chandler: What?!
(They all drink.)
[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Monica and Chandler are returning to find Ross is there waiting for them.]
Ross: Oh my God, you guys!! (He?s excited about what he thought happened.)
Chandler: (stopping him from going any further) Before you say anything, have we got a story for you! Guess who we bumped into at dinner!
Ross: Who?
Chandler: Richard!
Ross: What? (Excited) A-ohh! (Realizes) Ohh. Oh that?s right that?s right. That?s Richard?s favorite place too.
Chandler: Oh you knew that. Good!
Monica: I thought you were going out with Elizabeth.
Ross: Yeah, I was but uh, she was a little busy with a water balloon fight.
Monica: Oh Ross, sometimes grown-ups have commitments they just can?t get out of!
Ross: Y?know, maybe she is too young for me. Y?know, when I was over there and she was running around with her friends, I felt like I was a baby-sitter. I finally started to see what you guys were talking about. I don?t know what to do.
Monica: Why don?t you just weigh out the good stuff about the relationship against the bad stuff. I mean that?s what I did when I first (looks at Chandler and pauses) weighing stuff.
Ross: Okay umm, bad stuff. Well, I?m-I?m 12 years older than she is.
Monica: If the school finds out you?re fired.
Ross: Hmm.
Monica: She?s leaving for three months.
Chandler: For camp!
Ross: Okay, good stuff. Umm, well she?s-she?s sweet and pretty and?
Monica: Look Ross, the only question you need to ask is, "Do you see a future?" I mean like do you see yourself marrying her? (Ross pauses in consideration.) Oh my God! You did it already! You married her, didn?t you?!
Ross: No! No! I?didn?t do that. It?s just? Okay, honestly no. I don?t, I don?t see a big future with her.
Monica: Okay well I think?that?s your answer.
Ross: I?ve got to talk to her. Ugh, I hate this part.
Chandler: Hey, you have to forget about Elizabeth. I mean if you?re not careful you may not get married at all this year!
[Scene: The Charity Event, Rachel and Phoebe are sitting at the table as Joey approaches.]
Joey: Rach! Rachel! Okay, the next highest bidder is at table one.
Rachel: Oh great!
Joey: (To Phoebe) Oh and uh the guy who got the Paris trip is at table four.
Phoebe: Oh, okay.
Rachel: (To Phoebe) Why do you care about the guy who won the Paris trip?
Phoebe: It?s a trip for two! (She gets up and takes off her blouse-type thingy she?s wearing over her dress.) Excuse me. (She walks over to table four.) Excuse me, is the person who won the Paris trip at this table?
Emil Alexander: That was me.
Phoebe: Oh, enchant?. (She holds out her hand for him to kiss it, but he only shakes it.)
[Cut to Joey and Rachel approaching table one.]
Joey: Uhh, excuse me is there a Mr. Bowmont at this table?
Mr. Bowmont: That?s me.
Joey: Ahh, yes. (Pushes Rachel in front of himself so that she could do the talking.)
Rachel: Oh well, hello. This is your lucky day Mr. Bowmont, the uh gentleman day sailer as just become available again and I believe that you made a bid of $18,000.
Joey: You-you have to pay that! It?s not just a guess.
Rachel: (To Joey) Okay. Okay. (Shushes him.)
Mr. Bowmont: I was actually relieved uh I didn?t win the boat. My wife would?ve killed me.
Rachel: Ohh?
Joey: Are you kidding me?! She?s gonna this boat!
Rachel: Y-Yeah! What-what is your wife?s name?
Mr. Bowmont: It?s Pam.
Rachel: Pam! Oh God okay, just imagine this, "The Pam."
Joey: Aw-awww!
Mr. Bowmont: I don?t think she?d like that.
Rachel: Okay, uh-uh imagine this, "The Mr. Bowmont."
Joey: Oooooh?
Mr. Bowmont: I don?t think so dear.
Rachel: Okay look, let me paint you a little picture. (She sits down next to him.) All right, you are settin? sail up the Hudson! You?ve got the wind in your h?(sees that he?s bald)?arms! You-you get all that peace and quiet that you?ve always wanted! You get back to nature! You can go fishin?! You can?ooh, you can get one of those little hats and have people call you captain, and then when you?re old, Cappy.
Mr. Bowmont: What the hell, it?s for a good cause! All right!
Joey: No way! It?s mine!!
Rachel: (To Joey) What?! What?!
Joey: All that stuff you just said? I want that!
Rachel: But Joey you don?t have $20,000!
Joey: Who cares?! I-I?ll make payments, whatever it takes, I want the Mr. Bowmont!!
[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Monica is taking out the garbage as Phoebe and Joey enter. Phoebe gasps.]
Joey: Oh my God, you?re back!
Phoebe: Ohh, let me see it! Let me see your hand! (Chandler is franticallytrying to wave them off.)
Monica: Why do you want to see my hand?
Phoebe: I wanna see what?s in your hand. I wanna see the trash.
Joey: Yeah.
(Chandler puts his face in his hands as Joey and Phoebe start to examine the trash.)
Phoebe: Eww! Oh, it?s all dirty. You should throw this out.
Monica: (suspiciously) Okay. (Exits to carry out Phoebe?s wishes.)
Chandler: (after the door closes) What did you guys just do?!
Phoebe: What happened?
Chandler: Richard was there so I couldn?t do it!
Joey: What?! Noooo? (Phoebe gasps.)
Chandler: I?m gonna do it tomorrow y?know, and-and surprise her, but now you?ve ruined it!
Joey: We didn?t ruin it!
Chandler: Who walks into a room and asks to see a person?s hands?!
Phoebe: Well, a palm reader, a manicurist, a hand doctor?
Joey: Glove salesman!
Phoebe: Good one! Yeah.
Chandler: This is terrible. What am I going to do?
Phoebe: Look, she only suspects something okay? She doesn?t know for sure, so just throw her off the track.
Chandler: That?s right, I can throw her off. I can make her think marriage is the last thing on my mind.
Phoebe: Yeah! Yeah! Convince her that-that you?re scared of commitment! Convince her that you?re a little coward!
Chandler: I can do that, I?ve had 30 years of practice.
Joey: Hey, being you is finally gonna pay off! (They give each other fives.)
Monica: (entering) I had to go all the way to the basement because some idiot keeps stuffing the trash chute with pizza boxes!
Joey: That guy?s still doing that?!
Rachel: (entering) Hey! (Sees Monica, gasps, and runs over to her.) Oh my God you?re here, let me see your hand!!
Phoebe: No, you?re too late!!! She already took out the trash!!!
[Scene: Outside of Elizabeth?s dormitory, Ross is exiting after breaking up with her and we can hear his thoughts.]
Ross: (in his head) Wow! I have never had such a healthy break-up! She was such a grown-up about it! She didn?t seem too immature for me! Did I just make a huge mistake?
Elizabeth: (sticking her head out her window) Ross! Wait!
Ross: Elizabeth, thank God! I was just thinking about?
Elizabeth: You suck!!
Ross: What?!
(She throws a water balloon at him and hits him on the head and hits him again at the waist with another one.)
Ross: Okay, break-up?s still on!
[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler is looking out the window and Joey is sitting on the couch.]
Chandler: Okay, okay, here she comes! (Sits on the couch next to him.) How do I look? Do I look like a guy who doesn?t want to get married?
Joey: Yeah! And also, a little like a French guy. (They both squint at each other.) I never noticed that before.
Monica: (entering) Hi guys!
Joey: Hey!
Chandler: Hey!
Monica: What are you up too?
Chandler: Oh, just hanging out, talkin? about uh, websites. (Joey laughs.) Yeah, we saw this really interesting website about marriage and how totally unnecessary it is and how its just a way for the government to keep tabs on you.
Joey: (laughs) Yeah, Big Brother.
Monica: Well that?s a little crazy. Although I am y?know glad to hear that you?re branching out on what you look at on the Internet.