down from
amongst the boughs and mingled with the black hair that
framed her face, as if all those plants claimed her for their
own--the
animated and
brilliant flower of all that exuberant life
which, born in gloom, struggles for ever towards the
sunshine.
Every day she came a little nearer. He watched her slow
progress--the
gradual taming of that woman by the words of his
love. It was the
monotonous song of praise and desire that,
commencing at
creation, wraps up the world like an
atmosphere and
shall end only in the end of all things--when there are no lips
to sing and no ears to hear. He told her that she was beautiful
and
desirable, and he
repeated it again and again; for when he
told her that, he had said all there was within him--he had
expressed his only thought, his only feeling. And he watched the
startled look of wonder and
mistrustvanish from her face with
the passing days, her eyes
soften, the smile dwell longer and
longer on her lips; a smile as of one charmed by a delightful
dream; with the slight exaltation of intoxicating
triumph lurking
in its dawning tenderness.
And while she was near there was nothing in the whole world--for
that idle man--but her look and her smile. Nothing in the past,
nothing in the future; and in the present only the
luminous fact
of her
existence. But in the sudden darkness of her going he
would be left weak and
helpless, as though despoiled
violently of
all that was himself. He who had lived all his life with no
preoccupation but that of his own
career, contemptuously
indifferent to all
feminine influence, full of scorn for men that
would
submit to it, if ever so little; he, so strong, so superior
even in his errors, realized at last that his very individuality
was snatched from within himself by the hand of a woman. Where
was the
assurance and pride of his cleverness; the
belief in
success, the anger of
failure, the wish to retrieve his fortune,
the certitude of his
ability to accomplish it yet? Gone. All
gone. All that had been a man within him was gone, and there
remained only the trouble of his heart--that heart which had
become a
contemptible thing; which could be fluttered by a look
or a smile, tormented by a word, soothed by a promise.
When the longed-for day came at last, when she sank on the grass
by his side and with a quick
gesture took his hand in hers, he
sat up suddenly with the
movement and look of a man awakened by
the crash of his own falling house. All his blood, all his
sensation, all his life seemed to rush into that hand leaving him
without strength, in a cold
shiver, in the sudden clamminess and
collapse as of a
deadly gun-shot wound. He flung her hand away
brutally, like something burning, and sat
motionless" target="_blank" title="a.静止的;固定的">
motionless, his head
fallen forward, staring on the ground and catching his
breath in
painful gasps. His
impulse of fear and
apparenthorror did not
dismay her in the least. Her face was grave and her eyes looked
seriously at him. Her fingers touched the hair of his temple,
ran in a light
caress down his cheek, twisted
gently the end of
his long moustache: and while he sat in the tremor of that
contact she ran off with
startling fleetness and disappeared in a
peal of clear
laughter, in the stir of grass, in the nod of young
twigs growing over the path; leaving behind only a
vanishing
trail of
motion and sound.
He scrambled to his feet slowly and
painfully, like a man with a
burden on his shoulders, and walked towards the
riverside. He
hugged to his breast the
recollection of his fear and of his
delight, but told himself
seriously over and over again that this
must be the end of that adventure. After shoving off his canoe
into the
stream he lifted his eyes to the bank and gazed at it
long and
steadily, as if
taking his last look at a place of
charming memories. He marched up to Almayer's house with the
concentrated expression and the determined step of a man who had
just taken a momentous
resolution. His face was set and rigid,
his
gestures and
movements were guarded and slow. He was keeping
a tight hand on himself. A very tight hand. He had a vivid
illusion--as vivid as
reality almost--of being in
charge of a
slippery prisoner. He sat opposite Almayer during that
dinner--which was their last meal together--with a
perfectly calm
face and within him a growing
terror of escape from his own self.
Now and then he would grasp the edge of the table and set his
teeth hard in a sudden wave of acute
despair, like one who,
falling down a smooth and rapid declivity that ends in a
precipice, digs his finger nails into the yielding surface and
feels himself slipping
helplessly to
inevitable destruction.
Then,
abruptly, came a relaxation of his muscles, the giving way
of his will. Something seemed to snap in his head, and that
wish, that idea kept back during all those hours, darted into his
brain with the heat and noise of a conflagration. He must see
her! See her at once! Go now! To-night! He had the raging
regret of the lost hour, of every passing moment. There was no
thought of
resistance now. Yet with the
instinctive fear of the
irrevocable, with the innate falseness of the human heart, he
wanted to keep open the way of
retreat. He had never absented
himself during the night. What did Almayer know? What would
Almayer think? Better ask him for the gun. A
moonlight night. .
. . Look for deer. . . . A colourable pretext. He would lie to
Almayer. What did it matter! He lied to himself every minute of
his life. And for what? For a woman. And such. . . .
Almayer's answer showed him that
deception was useless.
Everything gets to be known, even in this place. Well, he did
not care. Cared for nothing but for the lost seconds. What if
he should suddenly die. Die before he saw her. Before he could .
. .
As, with the sound of Almayer's
laughter in his ears, he urged
his canoe in a slanting course across the rapid current, he tried
to tell himself that he could return at any moment. He would
just go and look at the place where they used to meet, at the
tree under which he lay when she took his hand, at the spot where
she sat by his side. Just go there and then return--nothing
more; but when his little skiff touched the bank he leaped out,
forgetting the
painter, and the canoe hung for a moment
amongstthe bushes and then swung out of sight before he had time to dash
into the water and secure it. He was
thunderstruck at first.
Now
he could not go back unless he called up the Rajah's people to
get a boat and rowers--and the way to Patalolo's campong led past
Aissa's house!
He went up the path with the eager eyes and
reluctant steps of a
man pursuing a
phantom, and when he found himself at a place
where a narrow track branched off to the left towards Omar's
clearing he stood still, with a look of strained attention on his
face as if listening to a
far-off voice--the voice of his fate.
It was a sound inarticulate but full of meaning; and following it
there came a rending and tearing within his breast. He twisted
his fingers together, and the joints of his hands and arms
cracked. On his
forehead the perspiration stood out in small
pearly drops. He looked round wildly. Above the shapeless
darkness of the forest undergrowth rose the treetops with their
high boughs and leaves
standing out black on the pale sky--like
fragments of night floating on moonbeams. Under his feet warm
steam rose from the heated earth. Round him there was a great
silence.
He was looking round for help. This silence, this immobility of
his surroundings seemed to him a cold
rebuke, a stern
refusal, a
cruel unconcern. There was no safety outside of himself--and in
himself there was no
refuge; there was only the image of that
woman. He had a sudden moment of lucidity--of that cruel lucidity
that comes once in life to the most benighted. He seemed to see
what went on within him, and was horrified at the strange sight.
He, a white man whose worst fault till then had been a little
want of judgment and too much confidence in the rectitude of his
kind! That woman was a complete
savage, and . . . He tried to
tell himself that the thing was of no
consequence. It was a vain
effort. The
novelty of the sensations he had never experienced
before in the slightest degree, yet had despised on hearsay from
his safe position of a
civilized man, destroyed his courage. He