shake-down in the billiard-room."
"Very sorry, sir. Three gentlemen
sleeping on the billiard-table
already, and two in the coffee-room. Can't possibly take you in to-
night."
We picked up our things, and went over to the Manor House. It was a
pretty little place. I said I thought I should like it better than the
other house; and Harris said, "Oh, yes," it would be all right, and we
needn't look at the man with the red hair; besides, the poor fellow
couldn't help having red hair.
Harris spoke quite kindly and sensibly about it.
The people at the Manor House did not wait to hear us talk. The landlady
met us on the
doorstep with the greeting that we were the fourteenth
party she had turned away within the last hour and a half. As for our
meek suggestions of stables, billiard-room, or coal-cellars, she laughed
them all to scorn: all these nooks had been snatched up long ago.
Did she know of any place in the whole village where we could get shelter
for the night?
"Well, if we didn't mind roughing it - she did not
recommend it, mind -
but there was a little beershop half a mile down the Eton road - "
We waited to hear no more; we caught up the
hamper and the bags, and the
coats and rugs, and parcels, and ran. The distance seemed more like a
mile than half a mile, but we reached the place at last, and rushed,
panting, into the bar.
The people at the beershop were rude. They merely laughed at us. There
were only three beds in the whole house, and they had seven single
gentlemen and two married couples
sleeping there already. A kind-hearted
bargeman, however, who happened to be in the tap-room, thought we might
try the grocer's, next door to the Stag, and we went back.
The grocer's was full. An old woman we met in the shop then kindly took
us along with her for a quarter of a mile, to a lady friend of hers, who
occasionally let rooms to gentlemen.
This old woman walked very slowly, and we were twenty minutes getting to
her lady friend's. She enlivened the journey by describing to us, as we
trailed along, the various pains she had in her back.
Her lady friend's rooms were let. From there we were
recommended to No.
27. No. 27 was full, and sent us to No. 32, and 32 was full.
Then we went back into the high road, and Harris sat down on the
hamperand said he would go no further. He said it seemed a quiet spot, and he
would like to die there. He requested George and me to kiss his mother
for him, and to tell all his relations that he forgave them and died
happy.
At that moment an angel came by in the
disguise of a small boy (and I
cannot think of any more
effectivedisguise an angel could have assumed),
with a can of beer in one hand, and in the other something at the end of
a string, which he let down on to every flat stone he came across, and
then pulled up again, this producing a
peculiarly unattractive sound,
suggestive of suffering.
We asked this
heavenlymessenger (as we discovered him afterwards to be)
if he knew of any
lonely house, whose occupants were few and
feeble (old
ladies or paralysed gentlemen preferred), who could be easily frightened
into giving up their beds for the night to three
desperate men; or, if
not this, could he
recommend us to an empty pigstye, or a disused
limekiln, or anything of that sort. He did not know of any such place -
at least, not one handy; but he said that, if we liked to come with him,
his mother had a room to spare, and could put us up for the night.
We fell upon his neck there in the
moonlight and
blessed him, and it
would have made a very beautiful picture if the boy himself had not been
so over-powered by our
emotion as to be
unable to
sustain himself under
it, and sunk to the ground, letting us all down on top of him. Harris
was so
overcome with joy that he fainted, and had to seize the boy's
beer-can and half empty it before he could recover
consciousness, and
then he started off at a run, and left George and me to bring on the
luggage.
It was a little four-roomed
cottage where the boy lived, and his mother -
good soul! - gave us hot bacon for supper, and we ate it all - five
pounds - and a jam tart afterwards, and two pots of tea, and then we went
to bed. There were two beds in the room; one was a 2ft. 6in. truckle
bed, and George and I slept in that, and kept in by tying ourselves
together with a sheet; and the other was the little boy's bed, and Harris
had that all to himself, and we found him, in the morning, with two feet
of bare leg sticking out at the bottom, and George and I used it to hang
the towels on while we bathed.
We were not so uppish about what sort of hotel we would have, next time
we went to Datchet.
To return to our present trip: nothing exciting happened, and we tugged
steadily on to a little below Monkey Island, where we drew up and
lunched. We tackled the cold beef for lunch, and then we found that we
had forgotten to bring any
mustard. I don't think I ever in my life,
before or since, felt I wanted
mustard as badly as I felt I wanted it
then. I don't care for
mustard as a rule, and it is very seldom that I
take it at all, but I would have given worlds for it then.
I don't know how many worlds there may be in the
universe, but anyone who
had brought me a spoonful of
mustard at that
precise moment could have
had them all. I grow
reckless like that when I want a thing and can't
get it.
Harris said he would have given worlds for
mustard too. It would have
been a good thing for anybody who had come up to that spot with a can of
mustard, then: he would have been set up in worlds for the rest of his
life.
But there! I daresay both Harris and I would have tried to back out of
the
bargain after we had got the
mustard. One makes these extravagant
offers in moments of
excitement, but, of course, when one comes to think
of it, one sees how absurdly out of
proportion they are with the value of
the required article. I heard a man, going up a mountain in Switzerland,
once say he would give worlds for a glass of beer, and, when he came to a
little shanty where they kept it, he kicked up a most
fearful row because
they charged him five francs for a bottle of Bass. He said it was a
scandalous imposition, and he wrote to the TIMES about it.
It cast a gloom over the boat, there being no
mustard. We ate our beef
in silence. Existence seemed hollow and uninteresting. We thought of
the happy days of
childhood, and sighed. We brightened up a bit,
however, over the apple-tart, and, when George drew out a tin of pine-
apple from the bottom of the
hamper, and rolled it into the middle of the
boat, we felt that life was worth living after all.
We are very fond of pine-apple, all three of us. We looked at the
picture on the tin; we thought of the juice. We smiled at one another,
and Harris got a spoon ready.
Then we looked for the knife to open the tin with. We turned out
everything in the
hamper. We turned out the bags. We pulled up the
boards at the bottom of the boat. We took everything out on to the bank
and shook it. There was no tin-opener to be found.
Then Harris tried to open the tin with a pocket-knife, and broke the
knife and cut himself badly; and George tried a pair of
scissors, and the
scissors flew up, and nearly put his eye out. While they were dressing
their wounds, I tried to make a hole in the thing with the spiky end of
the hitcher, and the hitcher slipped and jerked me out between the boat
and the bank into two feet of muddy water, and the tin rolled over,
uninjured, and broke a teacup.
Then we all got mad. We took that tin out on the bank, and Harris went
up into a field and got a big sharp stone, and I went back into the boat
and brought out the mast, and George held the tin and Harris held the
sharp end of his stone against the top of it, and I took the mast and
poised it high up in the air, and gathered up all my strength and brought
it down.
It was George's straw hat that saved his life that day. He keeps that
hat now (what is left of it), and, of a winter's evening, when the pipes
are lit and the boys are telling stretchers about the dangers they have
passed through, George brings it down and shows it round, and the
stirring tale is told anew, with fresh exaggerations every time.
Harris got off with merely a flesh wound.
After that, I took the tin off myself, and hammered at it with the mast
till I was worn out and sick at heart,
whereupon Harris took it in hand.
We beat it out flat; we beat it back square; we battered it into every
form known to geometry - but we could not make a hole in it. Then George
went at it, and knocked it into a shape, so strange, so weird, so
unearthly in its wild hideousness, that he got frightened and threw away
the mast. Then we all three sat round it on the grass and looked at it.
There was one great dent across the top that had the appearance of a
mocking grin, and it drove us
furious, so that Harris rushed at the
thing, and caught it up, and flung it far into the middle of the river,
and as it sank we hurled our curses at it, and we got into the boat and
rowed away from the spot, and never paused till we reached Maidenhead.
Maidenhead itself is too snobby to be pleasant. It is the haunt of the
river swell and his overdressed
femalecompanion. It is the town of
showy hotels, patronised
chiefly by dudes and ballet girls. It is the
witch's kitchen from which go forth those demons of the river - steam-
launches. The LONDON JOURNAL duke always has his "little place" at
Maidenhead; and the
heroine of the three-volume novel always dines there
when she goes out on the spree with somebody else's husband.
We went through Maidenhead quickly, and then eased up, and took leisurely
that grand reach beyond Boulter's and Cookham locks. Clieveden Woods
still wore their
dainty dress of spring, and rose up, from the water's
edge, in one long
harmony of blended shades of fairy green. In its
unbroken
loveliness this is, perhaps, the sweetest stretch of all the
river, and lingeringly we slowly drew our little boat away from its deep
peace.
We pulled up in the backwater, just below Cookham, and had tea; and, when
we were through the lock, it was evening. A stiffish
breeze had sprung
up - in our favour, for a wonder; for, as a rule on the river, the wind
is always dead against you
whatever way you go. It is against you in the
morning, when you start for a day's trip, and you pull a long distance,
thinking how easy it will be to come back with the sail. Then, after
tea, the wind veers round, and you have to pull hard in its teeth all the
way home.
When you forget to take the sail at all, then the wind is
consistently in
your favour both ways. But there! this world is only a probation, and
man was born to trouble as the sparks fly upward.
This evening, however, they had
evidently made a mistake, and had put the
wind round at our back instead of in our face. We kept very quiet about
it, and got the sail up quickly before they found it out, and then we
spread ourselves about the boat in
thoughtful attitudes, and the sail
bellied out, and strained, and grumbled at the mast, and the boat flew.
I steered.
There is no more thrilling
sensation I know of than sailing. It comes as
near to flying as man has got to yet - except in dreams. The wings of
the rushing wind seem to be
bearing you
onward, you know not where. You
are no longer the slow, plodding, puny thing of clay, creeping tortuously
upon the ground; you are a part of Nature! Your heart is throbbing
against hers! Her
glorious arms are round you, raising you up against
her heart! Your spirit is at one with hers; your limbs grow light! The
voices of the air are singing to you. The earth seems far away and
little; and the clouds, so close above your head, are brothers, and you
stretch your arms to them.
We had the river to ourselves, except that, far in the distance, we could
see a
fishing-punt, moored in mid-stream, on which three fishermen sat;
and we skimmed over the water, and passed the
wooded banks, and no one
spoke.
I was steering.
As we drew nearer, we could see that the three men
fishing seemed old and
solemn-looking men. They sat on three chairs in the punt, and watched
intently their lines. And the red
sunset threw a
mystic light upon the
waters, and tinged with fire the
towering woods, and made a golden glory
of the piled-up clouds. It was an hour of deep
enchantment, of ecstatic
hope and
longing. The little sail stood out against the
purple sky, the
gloaming lay around us,
wrapping the world in
rainbow shadows; and,
behind us, crept the night.
We seemed like knights of some old legend, sailing across some
mysticlake into the unknown realm of
twilight, unto the great land of the
sunset.
We did not go into the realm of
twilight; we went slap into that punt,
where those three old men were
fishing. We did not know what had