When I heard that BP was destroying a big portion of Earth, with no serious discussion of cutting their dividend, I had two thoughts: 1) I hate them, and 2) This would be an excellent time to buy their stock. And so I did. Although I should have waited a week.

People ask me how it feels to take the side of moral bankruptcy. Answer: Pretty good! Thanks for asking. How's it feel to be a disgruntled victim?

I have a theory that you should invest in the companies that you hate the most. The usual reason for hating a company is that the company is so powerful it can make you balance your wallet on your nose while you beg for their product. Oil companies such as BP don't actually make you beg for oil, but I think we all realize that they could. It's implied in the price of gas.

I hate BP, but I admire them too, in the same way I respect the work ethic of serial killers. I remember the day I learned that BP was using a submarine...with a web cam...a mile under the sea...to feed live video of their disaster to the world. My mind screamed 'STOP TRYING TO MAKE ME LOVE YOU! MUST...THINK...OF DEAD BIRDS TO MAINTAIN ANGER!' The geeky side of me has a bit of a crush on them, but I still hate them for turning Florida into a dip stick.

Apparently BP has its own navy, a small air force, and enough money to build floating cities on the sea, most of which are still upright. If there's oil on the moon, BP will be the first to send a hose into space and suck on the moon until it's the size of a grapefruit. As an investor, that's the side I want to be on, with BP, not the loser moon.

Perhaps you think it's absurd to invest in companies just because you hate them. But let's compare my method to all of the other ways you could decide where to invest.

Technical analysis

Technical analysis involves studying graphs of stock movement over time as a way to predict future moves. It's a widely used method on Wall Street, and it has exactly the same scientific validity as pretending you are a witch and forecasting market moves from chicken droppings.

Investing in well-managed companies

When companies make money, we assume they are well-managed. That perception is reinforced by the CEOs of those companies who are happy to tell you all the clever things they did to make it happen. The problem with relying on this source of information is that CEOs are highly skilled in a special form of lying called leadership. Leadership involves convincing employees and investors that the CEO has something called a vision, a type of optimistic hallucination that can come true only in an environment in which the CEO is massively overcompensated and the employees have learned to be less selfish.

Track record

Perhaps you can safelyinvest in companies that have a long track record of being profitable. That sounds safe and reasonable, right? The problem is that every investment expert knows two truths about investing: 1) Past performance is no indication of future performance. 2) You need to consider a company's track record.

Right, yes, those are opposites. And it's pretty much all that anyone knows about investing. An investment professional can argue for any sort of investment decision by selectively ignoring either point 1 or 2. And for that you will pay the investment professional 1% to 2% of your portfolio value annually, no matter the performance.

Invest in companies you love

Instead of investing in companies you hate, as I have suggested, perhaps you could invest in companies you love. I once hired professional money managers at Wells Fargo to do essentially that for me. As part of their service they promised to listen to the dopey-happy hallucinations of professional liars (CEOs) and be gullible on my behalf. The pros at Wells Fargo bought for my portfolio Enron, WorldCom, and a number of other much-loved companies that soon went out of business. For that, I hate Wells Fargo. But I sure wish I had bought stock in Wells Fargo at the time I hated them the most, because Wells Fargo itself performed great. See how this works?

Do your own research

I didn't let Wells Fargo manage my entire portfolio, thanks to my native distrust of all humanity. For the other half of my portfolio I did my own research. (Imagine a field of red flags, all wildly waving. I didn't notice them.) My favorite investment was in a company I absolutely loved. I loved their business model. I loved their mission. I loved how they planned to make our daily lives easier. They were simply adorable as they struggled to change an entrenched industry. Their leaders reported that the company had finally turned cash positive in one key area, thus validating their business model, and proving that the future was rosy. I doubled down. The company was Webvan, may it rest in peace.

(This would be a good time to remind you not to make investment decisions based on the wisdom of cartoonists.)

But what about Warren Buffett?

The argument goes that if Warren Buffett can buy quality companies at reasonable prices, hold them for the long term and become a billionaire, then so can you. Do you know who would be the first person to tell you that you aren't smart enough or well-informed enough to pull that off? His name is Warren Buffett. OK, he's probably too nice to say that, but I'm pretty sure he's thinking it. However, he might tell you that he makes his money by knowing things that other people don't know, and buying things that other people can't buy, such as entire companies.

People love Berkshire Hathaway and that has done great

I'm not saying that the companies you love are automatically bad investments. I'm saying that investing in companies you love is riskier than investing in companies you hate.

Second, take a look at Berkshire Hathaway's holdings. It's a rogue's gallery of junk food purveyors, banks, insurance companies and yes, Goldman Sachs and Moody's. The second largest holding of Berkshire Hathaway is...wait for it...Wells Fargo.

(Disclosure: I own stock in Berkshire Hathaway for the very reasons I'm describing. And my first job out of college was at Crocker National Bank, later swallowed by Wells Fargo.)

Let's talk about morality. Can you justify owning stock in companies that are treating the Earth like a prison pillow with a crayon face? Of course you can, but it takes some mental gymnastics. I'm here to help.

If you buy stock in a despicable company, it means some of the previous owners of that company sold it to you. If the stock then rises more than the market average, you successfully screwed the previous owners of the hated company. That's exactly like justice, only better because you made a profit. Then you can sell your stocks for a gain and donate all of your earnings to good causes, such as education for your own kids.

SCOTT ADAMS

• portion [´pɔ:ʃən] n.嫁妆；命运 vt.分配 (初中英语单词)
• discussion [di´skʌʃən] n.讨论；辩论 (初中英语单词)
• invest [in´vest] v.投资；授予 (初中英语单词)
• actually [´æktʃuəli] ad.事实上；实际上 (初中英语单词)
• disaster [di´zɑ:stə] n.灾难，不幸 (初中英语单词)
• maintain [mein´tein] vt.维持；保持；继续 (初中英语单词)
• florida [´flɔridə] n.佛罗里达 (初中英语单词)
• absurd [əb´sə:d] a.荒谬的，可笑的 (初中英语单词)
• analysis [ə´næləsis] n.分解；分析(结果) (初中英语单词)
• movement [´mu:vmənt] n.活动；运动；动作 (初中英语单词)
• scientific [,saiən´tifik] a.科学(上)的 (初中英语单词)
• vision [´viʒən] n.视觉；想象力；幻影 (初中英语单词)
• safely [´seifli] ad.安全地；平安地 (初中英语单词)
• reasonable [´rizənəbəl] a.合理的；有理智的 (初中英语单词)
• investment [in´vestmənt] n.投资；(时间等)投入 (初中英语单词)
• expert [´ekspə:t] n.&a.专家；内行 (初中英语单词)
• performance [pə´fɔ:məns] n.履行；行为；工作 (初中英语单词)
• indication [,indi´keiʃən] n.指示；征兆，迹象 (初中英语单词)
• professional [prə´feʃənəl] a.职业的 n.自由职业 (初中英语单词)
• humanity [hju:´mæniti] n.人类；人性；仁慈 (初中英语单词)
• research [ri´sə:tʃ] n.&vi.调查；探究；研究 (初中英语单词)
• absolutely [´æbsəlu:tli] ad.绝对地；确实 (初中英语单词)
• mission [´miʃən] n.代表团；使馆vt.派遣 (初中英语单词)
• remind [ri´maind] vt.提醒；使记(想)起 (初中英语单词)
• wisdom [´wizdəm] n.智慧，聪明，才智 (初中英语单词)
• argument [´ɑ:gjumənt] n.辩论；争论；论证 (初中英语单词)
• knowing [´nəuiŋ] a.会意的，心照不宣的 (初中英语单词)
• gallery [´gæləri] n.画廊；美术馆；长廊 (初中英语单词)
• mental [´mentl] a.精神的；心理的 (初中英语单词)
• previous [´pri:viəs] a.先，前，以前的 (初中英语单词)
• learned [´lə:nid] a.有学问的，博学的 (高中英语单词)
• upright [´ʌprait] a.直立的 ad.直立地 (高中英语单词)
• predict [pri´dikt] v.预言；预告；预示 (高中英语单词)
• skilled [skild] a.有技能的，熟练的 (高中英语单词)
• leadership [´li:dəʃip] n.领导(能力) (高中英语单词)
• environment [in´vaiərənmənt] n.郊区；周围；条件 (高中英语单词)
• profitable [´prɔfitəbəl] a.有益的；有用的 (高中英语单词)
• annually [´ænjuəli] ad.每年；按年计算 (高中英语单词)
• behalf [bi´hɑ:f] n.利益 (高中英语单词)
• distrust [dis´trʌst] n.&vt.不信任，怀疑 (高中英语单词)
• positive [´pɔzətiv] a.确定的 (高中英语单词)
• saying [´seiŋ, ´sei-iŋ] n.言语；言论；格言 (高中英语单词)
• successfully [sək´sesfəli] ad.成功地 (高中英语单词)
• donate [dəu´neit] vt.捐赠 (高中英语单词)
• dividend [´dividənd, -dend] n.被除数；股息 (英语四级单词)
• bankruptcy [´bæŋkrʌptsi] n.破产 (英语四级单词)
• wallet [´wɑ:lit] n.(放钞票等的)皮夹子 (英语四级单词)
• trying [´traiiŋ] a.难堪的；费劲的 (英语四级单词)
• perception [pə´sepʃən] n.感觉；概念；理解力 (英语四级单词)
• convincing [kən´vinsiŋ] a.有说服力的；有力的 (英语四级单词)
• essentially [i´senʃəli] ad.本质上，基本上 (英语四级单词)
• warren [´wɔrən] n.养兔场；大杂院 (英语四级单词)
• automatically [ɔ:tə´mætikli] ad.自动地；无意识地 (英语四级单词)
• morality [mə´ræliti] n.道德；教训；伦理学 (英语四级单词)
• investor [in´vestə] n.投资者 (英语六级单词)
• holding [´həuldiŋ] n.保持，固定，存储 (英语六级单词)
• earnings [´ə:niŋz] n.收益；报酬；获得 (英语六级单词)