Don't You Teach

　　　　When I was young, my aunt told me : Don't you ever, never be a teacher! But funny enough , I took up teaching as my career , and have been teaching for more than 20 years ever since I graduated from college! As I stumbled in the course of teaching, her words would sometimes echoed in my mind. And many times, I hesitate whether I should take my pen and write down something that has been cramming in my heart; for many years, the questions have been lingering in my mind: Why do I teach? What is the sense of teaching? What to teach to the students? Why do I stick to teaching even if faced with many unexpected situations which may well have driven me thousands of times out of the hall of teaching?

　　　Of course, I teach not because teaching is easy for me. No. Definitely not. As a matter of fact, the longer I teach, the more I believe that teaching is the most difficult work. Every time I go into the classroom I feel much upset though I stayed up late into the night preparing . I'm worried if I can explain one point or another clearly. I'm even more nervous, thinking the students might be judging me, with their picky and intruding hearts. Often, when I'm persuading, educating in some problem classes, repeating the same "big words" which have been repeated many times by other teachers , I feel stomach-sinking, I believe I'm disgusting, and getting more and more boring than ever before.

I don't teach because of the jealous thorns coming from some of my colleagues. Here, every time I had some new and unique ideas, and was encouraged to speak them out loud, I found myself embraced with cold eyes, lips pulled to a smiling shape: Eh, sound reasonable." But next time, they would surely avoid me or not even gave me a chance to speak. I've experienced similar situations many times. So, now, I try to hold my tongue tight, keep silent at the meetings, pretending to be tamed or obedient. True, I think this kind of situations is not uncommon here. We have got used to it. We've been trained to be quiet. But for me, whenever I met someone who is honest, sincere and modest, asking me for advice on his or her teaching, I can't help giving out what I know.

I don't teach because I am emulous. No, I'm not. In fact, the fierce competition between teachers is by all means against my nature. Teaching has become very competitive nowadays, especially in senior schools. Parents and school leaders evaluate students' study according to the test scores. Thus, students are forced to work very hard so as to get high scores and some of them even have to cheat in exams. But teachers can't cheat. We have to work even harder and unknowingly make ourselves always on-the-go, from early morning till late into the night, searching every corner of our stomachs for ways of making the students learn as well as studying the NMET tests to find out the common rules or points in the tests so as to teach pertinently in class...Tests are common in schools, such as weekly tests, monthly tests, semi-term tests, quarter-tests, final tests...Usually, after each test, there is an evaluation. It is tough times for both students and teachers. Students ask each other about their scores, feeling anxious; teachers compare their average scores with each other, feeling more anxious, signing all the time if he or she is at the bottom of the evaluation paper! Most of the teachers can smooth the torture again and again whatever ways they may use, anyway, they are still struggling; but for some others, things are not so optimistic. Some have to give up teaching eventually, some even commit suicide! That's really horrible! Many educators are now questioning the system, but I guess they can't change it for the time being.

I'm still here. Confused, often depressed, struggling with the temptation of abandoning my present profession. Many times, I woke up in the middle of night, asking myself : Did I choose the wrong career? Do I have to let go? Darkness. All darkness throughout the nights. But with the rising sun appearing in the sky, I rose again, took my books, walked straight to the class, to the waiting kids, without a little bit slowing down. Why? Why do I still hold onto it? Why do I teach? I guess, there, indeed, are some reasons .

I teach because I always find something in the eyes of kids. The textbooks change, I change, my students change. Students come and go. But something in their hearts never change. So does my heart. And right here is something I have been looking for. They look at you, longing for knowledge, understanding and, more importantly, love. I can't teach without noticing their sparkling eyes, from which I see what I can't see from the worldly adults. Trust. That's what I value above everything. They trust me, swallowing almost everything I tell them. They find ways to get close to me, asking questions in the books, carrying chairs for me, filling water for me, doing this, doing that! They are eager to make friends with me. A single word of appreciation or praise or simply a look of encouraging would cheer them up immediately. I find my place here. When they walk around me, I find myself living, breathing with them. We may argue, even quarrel, but it won't last long; we became friends again, even better than before. They make me believe in the world of children, love and friendship are the most important, not like that of adults. They give me hope: Yes, there's still something out there, clean, bright, like the dew after the first rain in Spring...

I teach because I believe, however fast the textbooks change, how fierce people fight for scores, there must be something I can find to teach to my students, to share something hidden behind the ABCs. I want to influence the kids not only from the bolded letters but also the hidden meaning behind them, which is, sometimes, more important than the given knowledge itself. From Unit 5 "Getting to know Steven Spielberg", I want the students to know not only Spielberg the person, his experiences, his famous works and his family, but the fact hidden from all the information: passion, hard work and perseverance that makes a person who he is; and still, to be grateful to others however successful he is. From Unit 6 "Table Manners", which only introduces table manners, I want the kids to realize how important good manners are when intercultural conversations and conventions are involved. From Unit 7 " A City of Heroes", a narration of how a city was destroyed and then rebuilt, students will learn that the true heroes of a city are in fact the people, who witnessed the history and that, culture indicates something more, like living culture, objects, idea, beliefs and behaviours that defines a country and its citizens... I teach because right on this small platform, I am the boss . I can reorganize the materials to meet the needs of my students and myself. I want them to learn not just knowledge from books but also love, beauty and romance which make one's life meaningful. This is difficult and challenging. But anyway, I believe it is well worth trying. It's a challegne of something not concerningconspiracy but something that is inspiring and hopeful, which makes my students interested in what they are going to learn and foremost, to some extent, shapes what they are going to be. I believe the content of our teaching is not only from the text books but also from the teacher's own personality, his own deny of himself, his sacrifice, his understanding of love and life.

I teach because the more I know some problem students, the more I feel burdened with my responsibility. As we all know, ability grouping is now very popular in high schools. It sorts students into small learning groups based on the students' ability. Thus, some average or slow youngsters gather in one class. I do not want to talk about the inequality of achievement, teacher biases, peer influence, a widening of the achiemement gap, negatime climate of classrooms those average and below average students receive, which make me feel sad for them. But somehow, I have a doubt : is it those factors that stigmatize the students by feeling that they are not capable learners as to give up ? Or is it those factors that stimulate them by behaving even worse as to spit everywhere, move around in class, skip classes, or even fight? Or is it those factors that finally deprive them of self-esteem as to fall into what we call "bad guys"? I am only a middle school teacher, I certainly can not change the system, but at least I can, or I hope I can help them a bit. I hope I can save my students from stratification, disillusionment, and hopelessness. I hope they can regain their confidence , behave themselves in every way and thus, one day, learn to respect others and above all, respect themselves.

There's John, who, once, refused to do his reading in the morning reading period and ignored my mentioning. When I pointed out that he had disobeyed the rules, he stood up, stretched his long neck from his collars, like a tortoise, swaging from left to right, eyes staring at me:"Fuck reading! Bullshit! "I was really shocked by what he said and shouted back to him:"Sorry, you can't fuck reading! And it is not bullshit! You have to and you must!" Later, I asked him 3 questions consecutively: Am I your enemy? Is reading good or bad for you? Can you avoid discipline anywhere in the world? He can't answer. I pointed it out to him that I want to be his friend to help him study for the next 3 years and I hope we can cooperate well. Later, John never contradicts me again. He is now studying earnestly in my class!

And there's Mary, who once quarrelled with me in class, saying her being late was none of my business and that she had the right of doing what she wanted to do. I had to tell her that her being late was surely my business because I cared about her and that she did have the right of doing what she wanted to do, but there is something one can't do in some places and at some certain time, or the world would be a mess. To everybody's surprise, this headachy girl, who often ignored disciplines and rules, is now a policewoman who keeps disciplines and orders of the society!

Yes, I'm still here, because I have a belief that there are many Johns and Marys who are still wondering in the dark about what they should follow, about what they are going to be. I have a belief there are more I can do to help those so-called "problem students". I wish I can give them a map of life, which can accompany their life journey. I wish I could give them a solid foundation of love so that they can fly their dreams without hesitation. I wish I could always be reached whenever they meet with obstacles in their pursuit of dreams and transformation. I wish I could help them live the life they want and achieve the extraordinary potential within them. And I believe that's the key reason why I am still here.

Yes, I'm still here, because I still hold the belief that some day, I won't be disturbed or distracted by the evaluation based on scores only so that I can't concentrate in teaching heart and soul; I'm still here because I wish my passion for teaching would not wither with the rising heat of competition; I'm still here because I wish when asked about my career, I could proudly tell them "I'm a middle school teacher" without feeling impotence; I'm still here, hoping the detour we take won't be too long before we can realize our dream, hoping our next generation can fully evolutioned, hoping they can live their life to the fullest...
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