Despite the treatment, I felt well enough to drive home that afternoon. But the car was silent as grave. Wanda and I still could not talk to one another about our common problem -- my cancer. She was sitting in the front with me and looking fixedly out the window. Britty (Kellys baby) was
taking a nap, stretched out along the back seat.
"Youre alive," I suddenly thought to myself. "You are alive. For three months, youve known you have cancer, but youre still alive."
As I steered the car along the rough highway, I began to think of what I had been doing to myself and my family. Without really knowing it, all of us had been celebrating a funeral -- mine -- and the funeral had not even taken place yet. I was still alive. I was not dead. I had some time. I was forty-three years old, I had a wife who loved me, I had two sons and two daughters.
那天下午,尽管刚刚接受了治疗,我还是感觉能亲自驾车回家。车里死一般的寂静,我和婉达不谈我们共同的问题--我患了癌症。她坐在我旁边,凝视着窗外。布瑞蒂正躺在车后座打盹儿。
"你还活着,"我突然想起,"你还活着。三个月了,你知道自己身患癌症,可是还活着!"
汽车在崎岖的公路上奔驰,我开始想,这段时间我对自己,对我的家庭做了什么:大家并未真正意识到,实际上却是在举行一次丧礼--我的"丧礼"--当然丧礼并没有举行,因为我还活着,我没有死。我还有时间,我才43岁,有一个爱我的妻子,还有两个儿子,两个女儿。
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