A woman called the Canon help desk with a problem with her

printer. The tech asked her if she was "running it under

Windows." The woman responded, "No, my desk is next to the

door. But that's a good point. The man sitting in the

cubicle next to me is under a window, and his is working

fine."

**********



Tech Support: "OK Bob, let's press the control and escape

keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the

middle of the screen. Now type the letter 'P' to bring up

the Program Manager."

Customer: "I don't have a 'P'."

Tech Support: "On your keyboard, Bob."

Customer: "What do you mean?"

Tech Support: "'P' on your keyboard, Bob."

Customer: "I'm not going to do that!"



**********



Overheard in a computer shop:

Customer: "I'd like a mouse mat, please."

Salesperson: "Certainly sir, we've got a large variety."

Customer: "But will they be compatible with my computer?"



**********



I once received a fax with a note on the bottom to fax the

document back to the sender when I was finished with it,

because he needed to keep it.



**********



Customer in computer shop: "Can you copy the Internet onto

this disk for me?"



**********



Customer: "So that'll get me connected to the Internet,

right?"

Tech Support: "Yeah."

Customer: "And that's the latest version of the Internet,

right?"

Tech Support: "Uhh...uh...uh...yeah."



**********





Tech Support: "All right...now double-click on the File

Manager icon."

Customer: "That's why I hate this Windows - because of

the icons - I'm a Protestant, and I don't believe in icons."

Tech Support: "Well, that's just an industry term sir.

I don't believe it was meant to-"

Customer: "I don't care about any 'Industry Terms'.

I don't believe in icons."

Tech Support: "Well...why don't you click on the '

little picture' of filing cabinet...is 'little picture' OK?"

Customer: [click]



**********



Customer: "My computer crashed!"

Tech Support: "It crashed?"

Customer: "Yeah, it won't let me play my game."

Tech Support: "All right, hit Control-Alt-Delete to reboot."

Customer: "No, it didn't crash - it crashed."

Tech Support: "Huh?"

Customer: "I crashed my game. That's what I said before.

I crashed my spaceship and now it doesn't work."

Tech Support: "Click on 'File,' then 'New Game.'"

Customer: [pause] "Wow! How'd you learn how to do that?"



**********



Got a call from a woman said that her laser printer was

having problems: the bottom half of her printed sheets were

coming out blurry. It seemed strange that the printer was

smearing only the bottom half. I walked her through the

basics, then went over and printed out a test sheet.

It printed fine. I asked her to print a sheet, so she sent

a job to the printer. As the paper started coming out, she

yanked it out and showed it to me. I told her to wait until

the paper came out on its own. Problem solved.



**********



I had been doing Tech Support for Hewlett-Packard's Deskjet

division for about a month when I had a customer call with

a problem I just couldn't solve. She could not print yellow.

All the other colors would print fine, which truly baffled

me because the only true colors are cyan, magenta, and yellow.

For instance, green is a combination of cyan and yellow, but

green printed fine. Every color of the rainbow printed fine

except for yellow. I had the customer change ink cartridges.

I had the customer delete and reinstall the drivers. Nothing

worked. I asked my coworkers for help; they offered no new

ideas. After over two hours of troubleshooting, I was about

to tell the customer to send the printer in to us for repair

when she asked quietly, "Should I try printing on a piece of

white paper instead of this yellow paper?"



**********



And another user was all confused about why the cursor always

moved in the opposite direction from the movement of the

mouse. She also complained that the buttons were difficult

to depress. She was very embarrassed when we asked her to

rotate the mouse so the tail pointed away from her.





**********



For a computer programming class, I sat directly across from

someone, and our computers were facing away from each other.

A few minutes into the class, she got up to leave the room.

I reached between our computers and switched the inputs for

the keyboards. She came back and started typing and

immediately got a distressed look on her face. She called

the tutor over and explained that no matter what she typed,

nothing would happen. The tutor tried everything. By this

time I was hiding behind my monitor and quaking red-faced.

I typed, "Leave me alone!" They both jumped back as this

appeared on their screen. "What the..." the tutor said. I

typed, "I said leave me alone!" The kid got real upset. "I

didn't do anything to it, I swear!" It was all I could do

to keep from laughing out loud. The conversation between

them and HAL 2000 went on for an amazing five minutes. Me:

"Don't touch me!" Her: "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hit

your keys that hard." Me: "Who do you think you are

anyway?!" Etc. Finally, I couldn't contain myself any

longer, and fell out of my chair laughing. After they had

realized what I had done, they both turned beet red. Funny,

I never got more than a C- in that class.



**********



This guy calls in to complain that he gets an "Access Denied"

message every time he logs in. It turned out he was typing

his username and password in capital letters. Tech Support:

"OK, let's try once more, but use lower case letters."

Customer: "Ooh, I only have capital letters on my keyboard."





**********



Email from a friend: "CanYouFixTheSpaceBarOnMyKeyboard?"



**********



My friend was on duty in the main lab on a quiet afternoon.

He noticed a young woman sitting in front of one of the

workstations with her arms crossed across her chest, staring

at the screen. After about 15 minutes he noticed that she

was still in the same position, only now she was impatiently

tapping her foot. He asked if she needed help and she

replied "It's about time! I pressed the F 1 button over

twenty minutes ago!"
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