so for any of us in this room today let 's start out by admitting we're lucky
we don't live in the world our mothers lived in our grandmothers lived in where career choices for women were so limited
and if you're in this room today most of us grew up in a world where we had basic civil rights and amazingly we still live in a world where some women don't have
but all that aside we still have a problem and it's a real problem and the problem is this
women are not making it to the top of any professionanywhere in the world
even in the non profit world a world we sometimes think of as being led by more women women at the top twenty percent
we also have another problem which is that women face harder choices between professional success and personal fulfillment
a recent study in the u s showed that of married senior managers two thirds of the married men had children and only one third of the married women had children
a couple of years ago i was in new york and i was pitching a deal and i was in one of those fancy new york private equity offices you can picture
and i'm in the meeting it's about a three hour meeting and two hours in there kind of needs to be that bio break and everyone stands
he doesn't know where the women 's room is in his office so i start looking around for moving boxes figuring they just moved in but i don't see any and so i said did you just move into this
and he said no we've been here
the only woman to have pitched a deal in this office in a year
and he looked at me and he said
how are we going to fix
how do we change these numbers at the top how do we make this different
i want to start out by saying i talk about this about keeping women in the workforce because i really think that's the answer
in the high income part of our workforce in the people who end up at the top fortune five hundred ceo jobs or the equivalent in other industries
the problem i am convinced is that women are dropping out
today i want to focus on what we can do as individuals
what are the messages we need to tell ourselves what are the messages we tell the women that work with and for us
i want to be very clear that this speech comes with no judgments i don't have the right answer i don't even have it for myself
i left san francisco where i live on monday and i was getting on the plane for this conference and my daughter who 's three when i dropped her off at preschool did that whole hugging the leg crying mommy don't get on the plane thing this is hard
at home or whether they're in the workforce
don't feel that sometimes so i'm not saying that staying in the workforce is the right thing for everyone
my talk today is about what the messages are if you do want to stay in the workforce and i think there are three
one sit at the table
two make your partner a real partner
and three
don't leave before you leave
number one sit at the table
just a couple weeks ago at facebook we hosted a very senior government official and he came in to meet with senior execs from around silicon valley and
sat at the table and then he had these two women who were traveling with him who were pretty senior in his department and i kind of said to them sit at the table come on sit at the table
it with my roommate carrie who was then a brilliantliterary student and went on to be a brilliantliterary scholar
and my brother smart guy but a water polo playing pre med who was a sophomore
the three of us take this class together and then carrie reads all the books in the original greek and latin goes to all the lectures i read all the books in english and go to most of the
my brother is kind of busy he reads one book of twelve and goes to a couple of lectures marches himself up to our room a couple days before the exam to get himself tutored
the three of us go to the exam together and we sit down and we sit there for three hours and our little blue notebooks yes i'm that old and we walk out and we look at each other and we say how did you do
and carrie says boy i feel like i didn't really draw out the main point on the hegelian dialectic
i got the top grade in
you got the top grade in
you don't know anything
the problem with these stories is that they show what the data shows
women systematically underestimate their own abilities if you test men and women and you ask them questions on totallyobjective criteria like gpa 's men get it wrong slightly high and women get it wrong slightly
if you ask men why they did a good job they'll say i 'm awesome
it matters a lot because no one gets to the corner office
by sitting on the side not at the table
and no one gets the promotion if they don't think they deserve their success
or they don't even understand their own success
wish the answer were easy i wish i could just go tell all the young women i work with all these fabulous women believe in yourself and negotiate for yourself own your own success
i wish i could tell that to my daughter
because what the data shows above all else is one thing
which is that success and likability are positively correlated for men and negatively correlated for women
and everyone 's nodding because we all know this to be true there's a really good study that shows this really well there's a famous harvard business school study on a woman named heidi roizen
and she's an operator in a company in silicon valley and she uses her contacts to become a very successful venture
in two thousand and two not so long ago a professor who was then at columbia university took that case and made it howard roizen and he gave case out both of them to two groups of
he changed exactly one word
but that one word made a really
he then surveyed the students and the good news was the students both men and women thought heidi and howard were equallycompetent and
the bad news was that
this is the complication
we have to tell our daughters and our colleagues we have to tell ourselves to believe we got the a to reach for the promotion to sit at the table
and we have to do it in a world where for them there are sacrifices they will make for
even though for their brothers there are not
thing about all of this is that it's really hard to remember this and i'm about to tell a story which is truly embarrassing for me but i think important i gave this talk at facebook not so long ago
a couple hours later there was a young woman who works there sitting outside my little desk
and she wanted to talk to me i said okay and she sat down and we talked and she said i learned something today
i learned that i need to keep my hand up
i thought to myself wow if it's me who cares about this obviously giving this talk
during this talk i can't even notice
that the men 's hands are still raised and the women 's hands are still raised how good are we as managers of our companies and our organizations at seeing that the men are reaching for opportunities more than women
make your partner a real partner
data shows this very clearly
she's got three jobs or two jobs and he 's got one who do you think drops out when someone needs to be home
the causes of this are really complicated and i don't have time to go into them and i don't think sunday football watching and general laziness is the
i think the cause is more complicated i think as a society we put more pressure on our boys to succeed that we do on our girls
i know men that stay home and work in the home
to support wives with careers and it's hard
when i go to the mommy and me stuff and i see the father there i notice that the other mommies don't play with him
and if that wasn't good enough motivation for everyone out there they also have more how shall i say this on this stage they know each other more in the biblical sense as
don't leave before you leave
how am i going to fit this into everything else i'm doing
and literally from that moment
she doesn't raise her hand anymore
she doesn't look for a promotion she doesn't take on the new project she doesn't say me i want to do that she starts leaning back
the problem is that let 's say she got pregnant that day that day nine months of pregnancy three months of maternity leave six months to catch your breath
fast forward two years more often and as i've seen it women start thinking about this way earlier
when they get engaged when they get married when they start thinking about trying to have a child which can take a long time one woman came to see me about this and i kind of looked at her she looked a little young and i said so
are you and your husband thinking about having a baby and she said oh no i'm not married she didn't even have a
about this just way too
been through this and i'm here to tell you once you have a child at home your job better be really good to go back because it's hard to leave that
to be challenging it needs to be rewarding you need to feel like you're making a difference
and if two years ago
don't leave before you leave stay in keep your foot on the gas pedal until the very day you need to leave to take a break for a child and then make your decisions
don't make decisions too far in advance particularly ones you're not even conscious you're making
i'm hopeful that future generations can
i think a world that was run where half of our countries and half of our companies were run by women would be a better world and it's not just
would know where the women 's bathroom are even though that would be very helpful i think it would be a better world
have two children i have a five year old son and a three year old daughter
i want my son to have a choice to contribute fully in the workforce or at home
and i want my daughter to have the choice
to not just succeed but to be liked for
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