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伴侣今晚决定做爱的理由可能会影响他们未来的感情健康度

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多年以来，朱莉·布林顿(Julie Brinton)天天打交道的都是宝宝鸭嘴杯和擦破皮的膝盖，此外还有在吃饭、洗澡及睡觉时间为了逮住三个小孩而上演的无穷无尽的敦促追赶。每天晚上，当朱莉爬上床时，她的脑子里只有一件事：歇一个小时或看会儿电视。但在有些夜晚，她的丈夫罗伯(Rob)却会凑过来揉她的双肩、抚摸她的后背。这时，朱莉就会想："真的三周都没性生活了吗？我觉得我们可能该做爱了。"


For years, Julie Brinton's days have been filled with sippy cups and skinned knees, and the endless push of getting three young children through dinner time, bath time, bedtime. By the time she crawls into bed each night, she has one thing on her mind: zoning out to an hour or so of TV.


朱莉现年34岁，家住亚利桑那州梅萨市(Mesa)，她说："我会为了他而做爱。"


But some nights, her husband, Rob, reaches over to rub her shoulders and offer her a back rub. And then Ms. Brinton thinks: 'Has it really been three weeks? I guess we should probably have sex.'


与其同岁的丈夫很感激妻子的行为。他说："但每次完事后，我总会觉得内疚，我一直都很自私。"


'I will do it for him,' says Ms. Brinton, 34, who lives in Mesa, Ariz.


瞧，这就是婚后性生活。


Mr. Brinton, also 34, appreciates his wife's gesture. 'But afterward,' he says, 'I always feel guilty, that I've been selfish.'


长期以来，治疗师们都认为，那些性生活更频繁、更和谐的夫妻会更快乐，他们的关系也更稳定。


Ah, marital sex.


但多伦多大学(University of Toronto)新近的研究却表明，伴侣们为什么要做爱的首要原因也会极大地影响婚姻满意度。而且，一个人今晚的做爱动机可能会影响接下来几个月中他/她的感情健康程度。


Therapists have long known that couples who have more, and better, sex are happier and more stable.


多年以来，科学家认为人们之所以做爱是因为下面几个简单的原因：为了繁衍后代，享受生理上的快感或是意欲缓解性紧张。而在2007年得克萨斯州大学(University of Texas)的一项研究中，接受调查者提出了237个做爱动机。这些理由五花八门，从世俗层面（缓解压力）到宗教层面（为了更靠近上帝）、从利他主义（为了让对方舒服）到恶意报复（为了惩罚报复偷腥的伴侣而出轨）。


But new research from the University of Toronto shows that the reasons why partners have sex in the first place also significantly affect marital satisfaction. And a person's motive for making love tonight may make a difference to the health of his or her relationship months from now.


多伦多大学研究人员进行的两项研究将人们最常见的做爱理由——以及与长期恋情最相关的理由——分成了两大类动机：靠近与规避。靠近动机追寻的是一个积极的结果。（"我希望增进与配偶之间的亲密度"或者"我想感觉更贴近我的伴侣。"）规避动机旨在逃避一个消极的后果。（"我想避免发生冲突"或是"我不希望感到内疚。"）这两项研究的论文本月发表在了《个性与社会心理学通报》(Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin)期刊上。


For many years, scientists believed that humans had sex for a few simple reasons: to reproduce, experience physical pleasure or relievesexual tension. Then a 2007 study from the University of Texas identified 237 expressed motives for sex. The reasons ranged from the mundane (stress reduction) to the spiritual (to get closer to God) and from the altruistic (to make the other person feel good) to the spiteful (to retaliate against a partner who cheated by cheating).


每个大类又能细分成几个子类：自我关注型或伴侣关注型。


Now, two studies by University of Toronto researchers published this month in the journal Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, have divided the most common reasons why people have sex -- and the ones most relevant to long-term relationships -- into two broad categories of motivation: approach and avoidance. Approach motives pursue a positive outcome. ('I want to increase intimacy with my spouse' or 'I want to feel closer to my partner.') Avoidance motives aim to evade a negative outcome. ('I want to avoid conflict' or 'I don't want to feel guilty.')


研究人员专门分析了伴侣关注型的目标。多伦多大学的博士后、该研究的首席研究员埃米·缪斯(Amy Muise)说："这些目标对一段感情的结局影响最为深远。"


Each category is also divided into subcategories: self-focused or partner-focused.


两项研究都是以研究人员所称的"每天写日记"的形式进行的。首先，108位正在约会的异性恋人在长达两周的时间内每天都要完成一份调查问卷。在他们做爱的日子里，男女双方要就自身的动机回答26个问题，对问题描述项进行从一分到七分的打分。比如："为了不让我的伴侣沮丧"或是"为了使自己感觉更佳。"每天，他们还对自己的感情满意度、性满意度及性欲度进行了评分。


The researchers paid particular attention to partner-focused goals. 'They have the greatest impact on the outcomes of a relationship,' says Amy Muise, a postdoctoral fellow at the University of Toronto and lead researcher on the study.


多伦多大学的研究人员要求伴侣们追踪记录他们性行为的动机。以下是他们定义的术语：


Both studies were what researchers call 'daily diary' studies. In the first, 108 heterosexual dating couples completed a survey every day for two weeks. On days that they had sex, the partners each answered 26 questions about their motives, rating them from 1 to 7. Examples: 'To prevent my partner from becoming upset' or 'To feel better about myself.' They also rated their relationship satisfaction, sexualsatisfaction and desire each day.


自我关注型靠近：为了替你自己寻求一个积极的结果，比如说自身愉悦或想要与伴侣更为亲近。


The results: On days when a person's motivation to have sex is more positively oriented, he or she felt more satisfied -- both in the relationship and sexually -- and had a higher level of desire. Conversely, on days when someone was motivated to have sex by more negative goals, he or she felt less satisfied and less desire.


自我关注型规避：为了让自己避开一个消极的后果，比如说，不想因为对性说"不"而感到内疚。


Even more interesting, the researchers say: A person's sexual motivation affected his or her partner's gratification. When someone had sex for positive reasons, the partner felt more desire and relationship satisfaction. When someone had sex for negative reasons, the partner felt less satisfied in the relationship and less sexually satisfied.


伴侣关注型靠近：为了和你的伴侣一起收获一个积极的效果，比如说更佳的亲密度或者让你的伴侣感觉良好。


The researchers found no difference when it came to gender. 'Men do have higher desire in general, but the motives for sex and the way they make people feel aren't different for men and women,' says Dr. Muise.


伴侣关注型规避：为了避免与你的伴侣发生冲突，并且不想让他或她感到愤怒或失望。


Also, regardless of how often a couple had sex, the results of the research were the same.


结果发现：当一个人的做爱动机更偏向积极导向时，在这样的日子里，他或她会觉得更心满意足——在恋情和性生活中都是如此——而且性欲也更强。与之相反的是，当一个人因为比较消极的原因而去做爱时，在这样的日子里他或她满意度较低、性欲也较淡。


'One thing we wanted to know is whether it really matters to your partner why you want to have sex, as long as they are getting what they want,' says Dr. Muise. The answer, she says, is yes. 'If I am having sex more for approach goals, it increases my desire and satisfaction, so my partner probably senses that and it contributes to their outcome. Our satisfaction carries over to them.'


更有意思的是，研究人员称：一个人的性动机影响了他或她伴侣的满意度。当一个人因为积极原因而做爱时，其伴侣的性欲感觉也会更强，对恋情也更为满意。当一个人因为消极原因而做爱时，其伴侣对感情和性生活的满意度也较低。


The second study followed 44 married or cohabitating couples for three weeks -- and then followed up four months later. The results were very similar to the first study.


研究人员发现，这一结论并无性别差异。缪斯博士说："总体来看，男人的性欲的确更强，但做爱的动机及其带给人们的感觉方式却并未表现出男女有别。"


And these effects held steady over time. People who had sex mostly for positive reasons over the course of the diary reported higher sexualsatisfaction four months later, while people who had sex mostly for negative reasons had lower sexualsatisfaction and desire. (Ditto, in both cases, for their partners.)


而且，不论一对伴侣做爱的频次如何，该研究的结果都是一样的。


So is it better to have sex for negative, or avoidance, reasons than not at all? The answer is complicated. Research shows that on days when we have sex we feel more satisfied in our relationship than on days when we don't. And yet when people have sex more often for negative motives, the bad outcomes build up. Dr. Muise's conclusion: 'Unless the sex is highly avoidance motivated, it might be OK in the moment,' she says. 'But you definitely get more benefits from approach motivation.'


缪斯博士说："我们想知道的一件事是：你为什么想做爱是否真的会影响到你的伴侣。"她说，答案是肯定的。"如果我做爱的动机更多地是因为'靠近'型的目标，那做爱就会增强我的性欲，也会提高我的满意度。所以我的伴侣很可能已经感觉到这一点了，而且它会有助于做爱的效果。我们的满意度也是如此。"


How can you become more positively motivated when it comes to sex? If you're feeling like you'd just rather go to sleep, try tuning into the emotionalconnection between you and your partner, says Julie Hanks, a clinical social worker in Salt Lake City. 'Lead with what you want instead of what you don't want to happen,' she says.


第二项研究则用三周时间跟踪调查了44对已婚或同居的伴侣——而且在四个月以后又进行了跟进回访。调查结果与第一项研究颇为相似。


About a year ago, Ms. Brinton decided she and her husband needed to work on their sex life. 'I thought, 'I want to enjoy sex. I want to feel connected to my husband. I want to reclaim my sexuality.''


而且这些影响并未随着时间的推移而消减。四个月后，那些大都因为积极原因而做爱的人在写日记的过程中仍称性生活满意度更高。而那些大多因为消极原因而做爱的人性生活满意度和性欲都更低。（对他们的伴侣而言，情况也一样。）


So she started doing things to make herself feel sexy: She bought new lingerie and started reading erotic romance novels.


因为消极原因或出于逃避心理而做爱总比完全不做爱要强吧？这个问题的答案有点复杂。研究表明，与没有性生活的日子相比，在做爱的时日里，我们会对自己的感情更满意。但人们若更频繁地因为消极原因而做爱，就会酿成苦果。缪斯博士的结论是："除非你做爱的动机属于极端规避型，出于其他原因的性行为目前看来可能是没有问题的。但你绝对能从靠近动机中获益更多。"


Ms. Brinton also asked her husband to go to a sex therapist with her.


怎样才能使自己做爱的动机变得更积极呢？盐湖城(Salt Lake City)的临床社会工作者朱莉·汉克斯(Julie Hanks)说，如果你觉得你宁可选择呼呼大睡，那就试着调整自己、使自身融进与伴侣间的情感纽带中去。她说："让你内心想要的东西去引导你，别让那些你不希望发生的事情主宰牵绊你。"


Her husband says he was thrilled. He figured there would be a lot of sex as homework. But, at least initially, their homework was to focus on real communication -- not just small talk -- about issues unrelated to sex. 'I came to realize that you can't have a great, intimate sex life until you have learned to connect outside of the bedroom,' says Mr. Brinton, who owns a custom-framing business.


大约一年前，朱莉·布林顿觉得她和丈夫得在他们的性生活上下点功夫。"我那时想，'我想要享受性的乐趣。我想要感受到自己与丈夫之间的交融相通。我想要重现彰显女性魅力。'"


Eventually, their conversations led to talk of sex -- and then more sex. Once 'we knew how to talk about other things, we felt comfortable with the difficult questions about what the other person likes in bed,' says Mr. Brinton.


所以她开始做一些让自己感到性感的事情：她买了新的内衣，还开始阅读情色浪漫小说。


They say they are both careful to focus on feeling good. 'Every reason we have sex now is a positive for me,' says Ms. Brinton.


她还要求丈夫和自己一起去看性治疗师。


Elizabeth Bernstein


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