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快速缔造出亲密的友谊有可能吗？

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Carla Madrigal knew nobody in Seattle when she moved there last year after 38 years in San Francisco. She wanted to make new friends. 'It was pretty devastating to be so anonymous,' the 68-year-old artist says.


艺术家卡拉•玛德里嘉尔(Carla Madrigal)去年搬到西雅图的时候，她在那儿一个人也不认识。此前的38年，她一直都居住在旧金山。她希望结识一些新朋友。现年68岁的她说："这样没有人认得你真是让人崩溃。"



To meet people, Ms. Madrigal made herself get out of the house every day. She joined a gym and a community garden, took yoga classes and visited a teahouse. And although she considers herself a shy person, she struck up conversations on the bus and at the grocery.


为了结识朋友，玛德里嘉尔每天都会走出家门。她去健身房，参与社区花园劳动，报名参加瑜伽课，去一间茶室喝茶。尽管她自认为个性口腆，但她却开始在公共汽车上和杂货店里和别人主动交谈。



But she still had trouble making lasting relationships. Many people were nice, but she had nothing in common with them. Others resisted getting close.


但是她仍对如何建立持久的友情不得要领。很多人都很友善，不过她与他们没有任何共同点。还有一些人压根就不愿敞开心扉。



Then two months ago, Ms. Madrigal was in a store when a woman complimented her hair. They began to chat and discovered that they both liked to work with textiles and to write. After a few minutes, Ms. Madrigal took a risk: 'Would you like to come over to my house for coffee . . . now?' she asked.


两个月以前，在一家商店里，一位女士恭维了玛德里嘉尔的发型。她们开始聊天，并发现她们都喜欢手工布艺以及写作。过了一会儿，玛德里嘉尔斗胆问道："您愿意到我家去喝杯咖啡吗......现在？"



The woman accepted her invite -- and the two are now close pals.


这位女士接受了她的邀请──现在她们俩人成为了密友。



'I thought all friendships had to be 'slow cooking,' taking years of experiencing life together,' Ms. Madrigal says. 'This experience was a marvelous revelation.'


玛德里嘉尔说："我原以为所有的友情都需要'慢热'，需要多年共同的生活体验。我的这种新经历真是让人喜出望外。"



Is it possible to forge an intimate friendship quickly?


快速缔造出亲密的友谊有可能吗？



Research psychologists say yes. To study friendship in the lab, many use a protocol called 'Fast Friends,' which helps strangers establish 'interpersonal closeness' in 45 minutes. The key? Both subjects need to gradually disclose personal information.


心理研究专家给出的回答是肯定的。为了用实验的方法研究"友情"，许多心理学家都会使用一种被称为"快速交友"的方案，这种方案有助于陌生人在45分钟内建立起"亲密的人际关系"。这种方案的关键点是什么呢？那就是双方都必须循序渐进地向对方披露自己的个人信息。



Here's how it works: Researchers give people working in pairs three sets of 12 questions written on index cards. The questions must be answered in order, with partners taking turns answering each question.


"快速交友"方案是这么运作的：研究人员让两个人一起共同完成三组写在索引卡片上的问题，每组问题包含12道题目。这两个人必须轮流按照顺序问答这些问题。



Questions in the first set are only slightly personal ('Before making a telephone call, do you ever rehearse what you are going to say?' 'When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else?'). In the second set, they are a little more personal ('What is your most terrible memory?' 'Is there something that you've dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven't you done it?'). The last set is personal ('When did you last cry in front of another person? By yourself?' 'Of all the people in your family, whose death would you find the most disturbing?'). Each set of questions also includes a relationship-building exercise ('Tell your partner what you like about them').


第一组问题仅略微涉及私人话题（如"在打电话前，你曾排练过自己要说的话吗？""你上次给自己唱歌是什么时候？给别人唱歌是什么时候？"）。第二组问题更私人化一点，（如"你最恐惧的记忆是什么？""有没有什么事情是你长久以来梦想要完成的？为什么你没付诸行动呢？"）。最后一组问题完全是私人话题（如"你上次在别人面前流泪是什么时候？上次独自饮泣呢？""在所有家庭成员中，谁的离世会最让你感到不安？"）。每组问题还包含着一个友情建立练习（如"告诉你的搭档你喜欢他的哪些方面"）。



The point is to build connection gradually, even if it's happening in a 45-minute window.


"快速交友"方案的关键在于以循序渐进的方式构建人际关系，即使这发生在仅仅45分钟的时间内。



'You want to be slow and reciprocal,' says Arthur Aron, professor of psychology at Stony Brook University, in New York, who developed the protocol. 'If you disclose too much too fast, you put someone off.'


纽约州立大学石溪分校(Stony Brook University)的心理学教授、"快速交友"方案的创始人亚瑟•阿伦(Arthur Aron)表示："在快速构建友情的过程中，你得做到循序渐进并且有来有往；如果你把私事一股脑地和盘托出，别人会顿时烦心倦目。"



Not sure how to find the sweet spot between disclosing too little and disclosing too much? Remember how badly you wanted to get off the plane the last time someone in the next seat downloaded way too much information.


不太确定如何找到讲话太少和讲话太多之间的黄金分割点？请回想一下，当你上次在飞机上碰到一个向你把自己介绍了个底儿掉的邻座时，你是有多想下飞机啊！



Oversharing is often seen as one-sided, overwhelming and socially inappropriate, Dr. Aron says. How can you tell if you are doing it? The other person may seem tense, fidgety or at a loss for words.


阿伦博士说，过度分享往往被视为自我的、令人不知所措的、并且不符合社交礼仪的行为。如何确定你是否正在过度分享呢？对方如果看上去紧张、不安或者失语，那就是了。



The Fast Friends technique can be used to improve business connections, relationships between neighbors and romantic bonds, Dr. Aron says.


阿伦博士称，快速交友技巧还可以被用来增进商业关系、邻里关系和浪漫关系。



Researchers have used it when studying how to create closeness between individuals of different ethnic backgrounds and between groups that often distrust each other (for example, police officers and residents of low-income neighborhoods).


在研究如何使来自不同种族背景的个体之间以及往往互不信任的团体之间（如警官和低收入地区的居民）建立亲密关系时，研究人员已经运用了这种技巧。



I've made great friends quickly while condo hunting, waiting in line to vote and interviewing people for this column. Of course, not every effort has been a success. There's a special spark or chemistry that has to be there. When I meet someone I think I might like to know better, my secret is to share something about myself that is both personal and maybe a little embarrassing or self-deprecating (I often tell people that I am divorced.) That tends to spark their curiosity and open them up.


我曾经在寻找公寓、排队等着投票、以及为这个专栏采访别人时，都在很短的时间内就交到了一些很棒的朋友。当然，并不是每次尝试都能成功。我们称之为火花或者化学反应的因素也不可或缺。每当我遇到一个我认为我可能想深入了解的人时，我的秘诀是：分享我自己的某些既私人、可能还有点尴尬或自嘲的事情（我就经常告诉别人我已经离婚了）。这样做有助于激发他们的好奇心并打开话匣子。



I made one of the best friendships of my life over just one lunch. I was stressed and confused about an encounter I'd had the night before with a man I'd just met but really liked. My lunch companion was a social psychologist, luckily for me, whose research I thought I might want to write about. Before we'd even ordered, I asked him if I could get his opinion on something personal, but told him I would only feel comfortable sharing if he would then tell me something about himself. That lunch became the beginning of many hours of mutual support and laughter.


仅仅通过一顿午餐，我就收获了我生命中最好的友情之一。那天我焦虑不安，前一天晚上不期而遇那位我最近刚认识但却很有好感的男人让我感到心烦意乱。我的午餐伙伴是一位社交心理学家，我真是走运，当时我曾想对他的研究进行一些报道。在我们还没点菜之前，我问他可否就一些私事征询他的意见，不过我告诉他只有当他也告诉我一些他自己的事儿时，我才能觉得不那么尴尬。从这顿午餐开始，我们连续几个小时都沉浸在惺惺相惜和欢声笑语之中。



'The only way to establish intimacy is to be willing to open up about yourself,' says David Bakke, 46, an editor at a personal-finance website. 'Once both parties see an initial connection, it's quite easy to open up about more intimate details.' One of Mr. Bakke's closest friends, he says, is a former co-worker, a man almost 15 years his junior who became a friend within a matter of days. Although some of his colleagues teased him about the age difference, Mr. Bakke says, he values the friendship because the two can talk about both work and personal issues.


46岁的个人理财网站编辑大卫•巴基(David Bakke)表示："缔造亲密关系的唯一途径就是乐于敞开自己的心扉。一旦双方感觉到友谊萌芽，无拘无束地分享更多不为人知的细节就是顺理成章的事了"。巴基说，他的密友之一是以前的一位男同事，年纪比他小将近15岁，他们建立起友谊只花了几天时间。巴基称，虽然有些同事调侃他们之间的年龄差距，但是因为俩人对工作和个人问题都能畅所欲言，他很珍惜这段友谊。



When Ms. Madrigal's new friend, Susan Hanover, 61, came to her house on the day they met, they talked about art and their creative projects. 'The more she talked about herself, the more I realized she is like me,' Ms. Madrigal says.


当玛德里嘉尔的新朋友、61岁的苏珊•汉诺威(Susan Hannover)在她们结识那天到玛德里嘉尔家做客时，俩人就艺术和各自的创意项目侃侃而谈。玛德里嘉尔称："汉诺威对自己介绍得越多，我就越觉得我们之间很相像。"



Before long, Ms. Hanover hinted about a sad time in her own life. Then Ms. Madrigal shared a story she doesn't often tell, about the end of her first marriage and how she had to rebuild her life afterward. The sharing, Ms. Madrigal says, was 'careful . . . a conscious kind of building thing.'


没过多久，汉诺威提及了她人生中一段悲伤的岁月。随后，玛德里嘉尔也倾诉了一段自己很少与人述说的往事──有关她第一段婚姻的结束以及此后她不得不重塑生活的经历。玛德里嘉尔说，这些分享是"小心翼翼的......本着构建友谊的意识"。



Ms. Hanover calls her friendship with Ms. Madrigal 'an unexpected gift. The sharing and spontaneity is mutually beneficial,' she says.


汉诺威称，她与玛德里嘉尔之间的友谊是"不期而遇的礼物"。她说："共享及主动性对双方都有好处。"



It has been exciting, Ms. Madrigal says, to discover she could make a deep friendship so quickly. 'I learned that life can be shared in the moment and be just as alive as if it had been experienced together,' she says.


玛德里嘉尔表示，发现自己能够如此之快地缔造一段深厚的友谊真是令人兴奋。她说："我认识到，生命感悟能在顷刻间得到分享，它是如此鲜活，就好像我们早就融入了彼此的生活。"



Elizabeth Bernstein


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