Desperate Housewives - Episode 04.02 - Smiles of a Summer Night

WISTERIA LANE - DAY

"The great crime wave hit Wisteria Lane on a Tuesday afternoon. That's when residents found their barbeques upended."

BREE'S BACKYARD

Bree finds her barbeque tipped over.

"Their clean laundry trampled."

KATHERINE'S BACKYARD

Katherine picks up a shirt from the ground that has a mud footprint on it.

"And their skateboards missing."

SCAVO FRONT YARD

Parker looks around but can't find his skateboard.

"Naturally everyone began to ask who could be responsible for such carnage."

Bree and Katherine in the front yard talking. In the background is Gabrielle's home.

"The answer lay in home of a neighbor who twenty minutes earlier had been engaging in...."

GABRIELLE'S BEDROOM

Gabrielle and Carlos are in bed making out.

"...an all together different type of crime."

Carlos: "Oh I gotta get back. Told Edie I was going for a jog. Do I look sweaty enough for five mile run?"

Gabrielle: "Yeah, unfortunately it's my sweat. When are you gonna dump her?"

Carlos: "It's complicated, okay? (Carlos begins getting dressed) Besides, I don't see you in any big hurry to dump Victor."

Gabrielle: "Generally speaking women don't leave their husbands for guys who have girlfriends. Just boot the Bitch. What are you afraid of?"

Carlos: "Hey, I am not afraid of her."

Carlos looks out the front window and falls to the floor behind the dining room table.

Carlos: "Oh my God!"

Gabrielle: "What the hells the matter with you?"

Carlos: (pointing outside) "Edie!"

Gabrielle looks out to the front porch and sees Edie coming up the steps. Edie knocks, Gabrielle grabs her clothes.

Edie: "Gaby? Are you in there?"

Gabrielle: "One second!"

Gabrielle opens the front door.

Gabrielle: "Edie? What brings you here?"

Edie: "I'm looking for Carlos. He went for a run but it was hours ago."

Gabrielle: "Sorry, I haven't seen him."

Edie: (entering Gabrielle's house) "Really? Because Ida Greenburg said she thought she saw him on your porch."

Gabrielle: "That's impossible because he's there! (pointing outside and yelling) There he is! Carlos? He's at your house. Oh, he just let himself in. There you go, he's home."

Edie: "Oh, okay, well thanks."

Edie leaves. Gabrielle closes the door as Carlos comes out of hiding.

Carlos: "You told her I was at home."

Gabrielle: "So?"

Carlos: "So I'm not at home! I'm here! What the hell am I supposed to do?"

GABRIELLE'S FRONT YARD

Gabrielle comes running out of the house as Edie is driving out of Gaby's driveway.

Gabrielle: "Edie! Edie wait! Wait, wait, wait, don't go! Don't go!"

Edie: (stopping in the street) "Why?"

Gabrielle: "You have a birthday coming up and I don't know what to get you."

As Gabrielle leans on Edie's car window Carlos runs across the street behind Edie's car. Carlos runs through the neighbor's gate into Bree's yard knocking over the barbeque.

EDIE'S CAR

Gabrielle: "Or maybe a coffee pot or scented hangers or a nice clock radio."

Edie: "Gaby, I don't have time for this. Why don't you just surprise me."

Gabrielle: "Ahh.. Wait, don't go! I need a little more guidance!!"

Edie drives off. Carlos runs across Bree's yard into Katherine's yard and throw her laundryhanging on the line. Edie continues driving home. Carlos sees Edie driving down the street when a basketball bounces in front of her car causing her to brake. He stops Parker's skateboard. The Scavo twins run into the street and chase the ball.

Edie: "Damn it boys! You should not be screwing around in the street! Somebody's gonna get hurt!"

As Edie begins driving home, Carlos, on the skateboard, is hanging off the back of her car. As she pulls in front of home, Carlos rolls off the skateboard and runs to the house. He grabs at the locked door. Edie walks into the front door.

Edie: "Carlos!"

Carlos is in the living room staring at the side door in which the window is broken.

Carlos: "Can you believe this? Someone broke into our house?"

Edie: "Oh my God!"

"And so ended the great crime wave on Wisteria Lane. No one ever found out who was responsible."

Carlos puts his arm around Edie. Edie pulls away.

Edie: "Ooo. You're all sweaty. Go clean up."

"Because.. it was an inside job."

OPENING CREDITS

WISTERIA LANE - DAY

A young man smiling, walking his dog passes a smiling Ida Greenburg.

"You will never see despair here, or rage."

A mailman handing a resident her mail, smiling.

"You will never see the tiniest bit of regret."

BREE'S FRONT DOOR

Orson exits with his briefcase. He goes to his car as Edie passes by powerwalking.

"You see, the people who live here have learned there is one sure way of hiding their secrets from their neighbors."

Edie: "Hey/"

KATHERINE'S FRONT YARD

Katherine waves at Gabrielle, Bree and Susan who are having coffee in Susan's front yard. They wave back.

"That's why in the suburbs there is nothing more deceptive than a smile."

Bree: "So what did Julie say exactly?"

Susan: "She said Dylan's not the same girl."

Gabrielle: "Not the same girl like she's changed or not the same girl like she's been replaced by a robot?"

Susan: "I know it sounds weird but Julie says Dylan does not remember anything about living here."

Bree: "Well maybe she blocked it out. Did something bad happen to her when she was young?"

Susan: "I'm not sure but there was something odd about the way the left."

Katherine walks up.

Katherine: "So if it isn't the early morning gossipbrigade. Who are we dishing today?"

Gabrielle: "Oh, Susan."

Katherine: "She's standing right there."

Gabrielle: "Oh my god! Have you been there this whole time?"

Susan: "Ha ha."

Katherine: "Anyway. I wanted to talk to you girls about Lynette."

Susan: "What about her?"

Katherine: "Well since she's been so tired from Chemo, I thought it would be nice if we something for her like bring her lunch?"

Susan: "Ah, that sounds great."

Bree: "Yeah, let's do it. Gaby, why don't you bring your vegetable lasagna, Susan you do beverages. And Katherine why don't you bring a simple green salad."

Katherine: "I'd rather bring dessert."

Bree: "Oh, no need dear. I always bring dessert. Oh, I'm thinking my Lemon Meringue pie."

Gabrielle: "Oh yum!"

Katherine: "Yeah, here's the thing. The movers lost my salad bowl. My pie plates on the other hand..."

Bree: "Will not be needed. As I said I always bring dessert."

Susan: "I know. I will lend you my salad bowl. You really don't want to miss Bree's pie. It's perfect."

Katherine: "Who am I to argue with perfection. Oh I'm sorry, it just something has been driving me crazy!"

Katherine pulls mini scissors out of her pocket. Leans over and snips a hanging thread off Bree's skirt.

Katherine: "Now you're perfect."

Katherine turns and walks away as the girls look shocked.

FAIRVIEW HOSPITAL - CANCER WARD

Lynette is receiving chemotherapy while she and Tom are playing cards. Tom keeps staring at the needles going into Lynette's arm.

Tom: "Does it hurt?"

Lynette: "It's a little uncomfortable but I'm fine. Pick a card."

Tom picks a card and puts it down immediately. Lynette picks it up.

Lynette: "Hey, I told you I'm collecting queens, pay attention."

Tom: "Remember we played this when you went into labor with Parker? Forty two hours without meds. I'll never forget what a trooper you were." (starts tearing up.)

Lynette: "Well let's not compose my eulogy just yet. I'm still troopin. Pick a card."

Tom: "Right."

Tom picks a card.

Tom: "It's funny. We played cards on our honeymoon the day that it rained. Do you remember that? We lit a fire..."

Lynette: "You're doing it again."

Tom: "Sorry."

Tom puts down a card.

Lynette: "Hey, I told you I'm collecting queens."

Tom: "Shoot. That's right."

Lynette: "Oh my god! Are you letting me win?"

Tom: "I just want to make you feel good."

Lynette: "By taking all the fun out of the kill?"

Tom: "Honey, I'm sorry. It's just I love you so much." (tearing up again)

Lynette: "Out!"

Tom: "What?"

Lynette: "You are supposed to be distracting me not depressing the hell out of me!"

Tom: "You're kicking me out of chemo?"

Lynette: (waving him away) "I'll see you at home."

Tom: (getting up) "Honey. I'm your ride."

Lynette: "Just go. I'll cab it!"

Tom: "There's that trooper that I admire so much." (tearing up again)

Lynette: "Out!"

Tom leaves as Lynette shakes her head.

WISTERIA LANE - DAY

Carlos arrives home and sees a brand new convertible in front of their house. Edie comes running out of the house.

Edie: "Carlos! Hi!"

Carlos: "Hey. There's my birthday girl. Nice car. Got company?"

Edie: "No."

Carlos: "Whose is it then?"

Edie: "It's your birthday present to me. Surprise!"

Carlos: "A car? Ah.. I was going to get you earrings."

Edie: "So, get em. And I will drive around with the top down so everyone can see them."

Carlos: "Edie, I can't afford this."

Edie: "Of course you can. Just move some of your off shore money, on shore."

Carlos: "I told you that account was a secret. Which is not going to be for long if I start buying eighty thousand dollar cars."

Edie: "Now I'm sensing that this little nest egg of yours is a tinsy bit illegal. Where'd it come from?"

Carlos: "You don't need to know that and the IRS doesn't either. You want me to go to jail?"

Edie: "Goodness Carlos. I had no idea that your situation was so precarious. Well. I guess I'll just have to take this back to the dealership."

Carlos: "Thank you for understanding, Babe. Look, if you don't want the earrings, just pick something else out instead. Just not too extravagant."

Edie: "Don't worry, I have a thought, and it's right in your price range."

Edie speeds away.

KATHERINE'S HOUSE

Susan walks up the steps with a salad bowl and rings the bell.

FLASHBACK

Katherine house long time ago. Katherine opens the door. A young Susan and young Mary Alice are at the front door.

Susan: "Hey, what's going on?"

Mary Alice: "Why is there a moving van in your driveway?"

Katherine: "Oh, I meant to call you. It's just been so nuts! I got a new job in Chicago."

Mary Alice: "So you're just leaving like that?"

Katherine: "I know it's crazy, huh? I really wish I had time to talk but I gotta finish packing."

Susan: "Oh no, hang on. Let me just run and get Julie so she can say goodbye to Dylan."

Katherine: "Oh, we're really in a rush. I don't think we're going to have time."

A crashing noise comes from upstairs.

Katherine: "That's okay guys, keep packing. I'll clean it up."

Susan: "Katherine. Are you okay? You seem a little jumpy."

Katherine: "I..I just had a long night and I have a lot to do. I'm really going to miss you."

She closes the door on them.

PRESENT DAY

Katherine opens the door.

Susan: "Katherine, hi. Oh, I brought you that salad bowl."

Katherine: "Oh thank you. You are so thoughtful."

Susan: "No problem. Hey, you know, I was meaning to ask you. How did that job in Chicago work out?"

Katherine: "Job?"

Susan: "You know the one that you left so suddenly for."

Katherine: "Oh right, yes, of course. It worked out well. Very challenging."

Susan: "Oh."

Katherine: "I've got something on the stove. I'd better go."

Katherine closes the door on a bewildered Susan.

SUSAN'S KITCHEN

Mike and Susan are having breakfast. Susan has a full plate of pancakes and fruits which she is pouring syrup on.

Mike: "Susan."

Susan: "What? I'm eating for two."

Mike: "Well do both of you want to be fat?"

Susan: "Okay, when I'm in labor and I'm pushing and screaming to bring your child into the world, do you really want me to remember that you denied me syrup?"

Mike: "Carry on."

Julie enters

Julie: "Mom, I need to talk to you about tonight. (looking at Susan's full plate) Oh my god. (Mike shakes his head)

Susan: "Is it about Matt's party?"

Julie: "Yeah. It turns out that is doesn't start until Ten so can I stay our until One?"

Susan: "Well, um. Well the Johnson's live right down the road. Yeah. I guess it's fine."

Julie: "Thanks."

Mike: "Whoa, whoa. Is this the Johnson's over on Crestview?"

Julie: "Yeah."

Mike: "Yeah. I don't think you should go to that."

Julie: "Why not?"

Mike: "I've done a couple jobs at that house and they have some really wild parties. I don't even want to tell you what I've snaked out of that toilet."

Julie: "Those are his brother's parties. Matt's not like that."

Mike: "All seventeen year old guys are like that. The only reasons my buddies and I even had parties was to get girls wasted."

Julie: "Well, I don't drink."

Mike: "Neither did Missy Taylor and fast forward to her tying her bra on my antenna."

Julie: "I really appreciate your concern but my Mom already told me I could go."

Mike: "Well, that's true. Just giving my opinion. It's up to your Mom."

Mike and Julie stare at Susan.

Susan: "Well, um, you both make a good case. Um, but I think I'm gonna have to agree with, ah, and you know I love you both."

Julie: " Decide!"

Susan: "Mike, I'm going with Mike."

Julie: "What?"

Susan: "Well, it sounds like this party could be on the wild side and it is starting very late."

Julie: "This is so unfair."

Susan: "I'm sorry, Honey, you wanted a decision. This is my decision."

Julie: "Ahh."

Julie disgusted, walks away. Susan pours more syrup.

Mike: "More syrup?"

Susan: "Missy Taylor?"

Mike: "Carry on."

KAREN MCCLUSKY'S FRONT YARD - DAY

Karen is getting her mail just at Dylan walks by.

Karen: "Look at your little Dylan. All grown up. Karen McCluskey. I babysat you way back when. You were a biter."

Dylan: "I hope I didn't hurt you."

Karen: "Nah, you were a cutie, but loud! I remember the racket you use to make on your tricycle. I gave your Dad hell for putting that horn on it."

Dylan: "My Dad? How could you know my Dad? He left when I was a baby."

Dylan: "Nah, he use to come around once in a while. Anyway, nice to have you back."

Karen walks away.

LYNETTE'S KITCHEN

Susan, Bree, Gabrielle and Katherine are working as Lynette sits at the kitchen table.

Lynette: "Please let me help, I feel so guilty just sitting here."

Bree: "Do not move. We want to pamper you, please let us."

Lynette: "Thank you."

Susan: "Hey, so how's the Chemotherapy going?"

Gabrielle: "Oh, no, no. She doesn't want to talk about that."

Lynette: "I don't mind."

Gabrielle: "Come on, let's dig into the pie. It looks amazing."

Gabrielle takes a mouthful.

Gabrielle: "Wow!"

Susan: "Oh my God. That is like the best pie you've ever made."

Bree: "Well, thank you. I don't think I did anything differently."

Bree takes a bite.

Bree: "This is not my pie."

Katherine: (laughs) "Okay you caught me. It's mine."

Bree: "What happened to the pie that I brought?"

Katherine: "Oh I was a little sneaky and I put in the fridge. I just wanted you to try mine."

Bree: "Well did we or did we not agree that I would bring the dessert."

Katherine: "I know but everyone says you're such an amazing baker and I was hoping you could give me some tips to improve my recipe."

Bree: "Clearly no tips are needed. As my friend said, best pie ever made."

Katherine: "Well then perhaps you shouldn't have said anything. I would have been happy to let everyone think it was yours."

Susan: "So back to Chemo. How's that been?"

Lynette: "Yeah, so far, not that bad. Though I did have to kick Tom out yesterday."

Susan: "Why?"

Lynette: "He was getting so emotional, it felt like the last twenty minutes of 'Brian's Song.' So I guess I'm in the market for a new Chemo buddy."

Bree: "Well, I would be more than happy to go with you."

Susan: "Count me in."

Katherine: "I'll sit with you. I volunteer at the hospital so I'll be there anyway."

Lynette: "Oh, my God you guys. I'm so touched you're all willing to do this."

Susan: "What are friends for?"

Lynette stares at Gabrielle who is practically buried in her coffee cup.

Lynette: "Gaby?"

Gabrielle: "Oh, no cream for me thanks."

BREE'S KITCHEN

There are numerous pies on the counter with one pie missing.

Orson: "She upstaged your Lemon Meringue pie? You've gotta be kidding."

Bree: (busy mixing a bowl on the stove) "I'm not. That despicable woman was just supposed to bring a simple green salad. She not only brought a pie, she hid mine and served hers!"

Orson: "That's beyond despicable, that's culinary terrorism!"

Bree: "Oh, it gets worse. Her pie was better than mine!"

Orson: "Impossible!"

Bree: "It's true. Everyone thought so. Even me. Oh and that simple green salad. Mosh and baby arugula with duck con fete and candied walnuts!"

Orson: "My god she plays to win."

Bree: "I have been here for hours trying to replicate her recipe and nothing have even come close!"

Orson: "Don't be so hard on yourself. (eating pie) This one's fantastic!"

Bree: "That's hers!!"

Orson: "Sorry."

Bree: "Orson. What am I gonna do?"

Orson: "You might have to bite the bullet and ask her for her recipe."

Bree: "What? Surrender? Debase myself?"

Orson: "Bree! It's your signature pie! You make it for parties, church suppers, bake sales. If she's always right there behind you with her superior version, staking out her claim at Fairview's Number One homemaker!"

Bree: "She will have stolen my entire identity."

Orson: "Well I wouldn't go that far."

Bree: "No it's true. The only thing about me that's special is what I can do in the kitchen. You're right. I have got to get that recipe. By any means necessary."

GABRIELLE'S FRONT YARD

Gabrielle is throwing out her trash as Lynette walks up.

Lynette: "Hey, Gaby."

Gabrielle: "Hey, what's up?"

Lynette: "Well, I felt a little weird about something that happened at lunch and I thought we should talk about it."

Gabrielle: "I know. Do you believe that pie business? I thought Bree's head was gonna explode!"

Lynette: "No, not that. Okay, I don't know how to say this so I'm just going to say it. When everyone was offering to come with me to Chemo, even Katherine who I don't even know, you sorta clammed up. What was that about?"

Gabrielle: "Well, it just seemed like everyone had it pretty well covered."

Lynette: "Yeah, but, between us, you're the one I really want there. Out of everyone, you're the most fun and I need that now."

Gabrielle: "That's sweet. But to be honest, I don't like hospitals."

Lynette: "Nobody likes hospitals. Unfortunately that's the place you have to go when you're sick. Or your friends are. You are my friend, right?"