121 The One With The Fake Monica

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, everyone is looking at papers.]

Joey: How could someone get a hold of your credit card number?

Monica: I have no idea. But look how much they spent!

Rachel: Monica, would you calm down? The credit card people said that you only have to pay for the stuff that you bought.

Monica: I know. It's just such reckless spending.

Ross: I think when someone steals your credit card, they've kind of already thrown caution to the wind.

Chandler: Wow, what a geek. They spent $69.95 on a Wonder Mop.

Monica: That's me.

Phoebe: Oh! The yuk! Ross, he's doing it again! (Points to a lamp which is shaking behind the sofa)

Ross: Marcel, stop humping the lamp! Stop humping! Now Marcel, come back- (Marcel runs toward Rachel's room) come here, Marcel-

Rachel: Oh no, not in my room! I'll get him.

Monica: Ross, you've got to do something about the humping.

Ross: What? It's, it's just a phase.

Chandler: Well, that's what we said about Joey...

Ross: Would you all relax? It's not that big a deal.

Rachel: (Out of shot) Stop it! Marcel! Bad monkey!

Ross: What?

Rachel: Let's just say my Curious George doll is no longer curious.

Opening Credits

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, late at night Monica is still examining her bill as Rachel emerges from her room.]

Rachel: Oh, Monica. You are not still going over that thing.

Monica: This woman's living my life.

Rachel: What?

Monica: She's living my life, and she's doing it better than me! Look at this, look. She buys tickets for plays that I wanna see. She, she buys clothes from stores that I'm intimidated by the sales people. She spent three hundred dollars on art supplies.

Rachel: You're not an artist.

Monica: Yeah, well I might be if I had the supplies! I mean, I could do all this stuff. Only I don't.

Rachel: Oh, Monica, c'mon, you do cool things.

Monica: Oh really? Okay, let's compare, shall we.

Rachel: (Yawning) Oh, it's so late for 'Shall we'...

Monica: Do I go horseback riding in the park? Do I take classes at the New School?

Rachel: (Yawning) Nooo...

Monica: This is so unfair! She's got everything I want, and she doesn't have my mother.

[Scene: Central Perk, Joey and Chandler are discussing stage names.]

Chandler: How about Joey... Pepponi?

Joey: No, still too ethnic. My agent thinks I should have a name that's more neutral.

Chandler: Joey... Switzerland?

(The waitress brings their coffee.)

Joey: Plus, y'know, I think it should be Joe. Y'know, Joey makes me sound like I'm, I dunno, this big. (Waitress looks at him funny) Which I'm not.

Chandler: Joe...Joe...Joe...Stalin?

Joey: Stalin...Stalin...do I know that name? It sounds familiar.

Chandler: Well, it does not ring a bell with me...

Joey: (Writes it down) Joe Stalin. Y'know, that's pretty good.

Chandler: Might wanna try Joseph.

(Joey visibly thinks 'Of course!' and writes it down.)

Joey: Joseph Stalin. I think you'd remember that!

Chandler: Oh yes! Bye Bye Birdie, starring Joseph Stalin. Joseph Stalin is the Fiddler on the Roof.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica is there as Phoebe and Rachel enter.]

Rachel: Hey.

Phoebe: Hey.

Monica: Hi. (On the phone) Hi, uh, yes, this is Monica Geller. Um, I believe I'm taking some classes with you and I was wondering what they were.

Phoebe: What are you doing?

Monica: (Hushes her) Alright, great. Thanks a lot. (Hangs up) I'm going to tap class.

Rachel: What, what, so that you can dance with the woman that stole your credit card?

Monica: This woman's got my life, I should get to see who she is.

Rachel: Go to the post office! I'm sure her picture's up! ...Okay, Monica, y'know what, honey, you're kinda losing it here! I mean, this is really becoming like a weird obsession thing.

Phoebe: This is madness. It's madness, I tell you, for the love of God, Monica, don't do it!! ...Thank you.

[Scene: A Tap Class, the girls are standing at the door.]

Monica: What d'you think?

Phoebe: Lotsa things.

(They go in and sit down.)

Rachel: Which one do you think she is?

(The teacher comes up to them.)

Teacher: May I help you?

Monica: Oh, no thanks, we're just here to observe.

Teacher: You don't observe a dance class. You dance a dance class. Spare shoes are over there.

Rachel: What does she mean?

Phoebe: I think she means (Imitates) 'You dance a dance class'. Oh, c'mon, c'mon. (They put on some spare shoes)

Monica: Okay, d'y'see anybody you think could be me?

Teacher: (To the class) People! Last time there were some empty yoghurt containers lying around after class. Let's not have that happen again!

Rachel: She could be you.

(Music starts)

Teacher: Let's get started. Five, six, a-five six seven eight...

(Everyone starts to dance in unison. Monica flounders)

Monica: Okay, I'm not getting this!

Phoebe: (Dancing in a swirly, Phoebe kind of way) I'm totally getting it!

Monica: Did you ever feel like sometimes you are just so unbelievably uncoordinated?

(Rachel taps into view; she is in perfect sync with the rest of the class)

Rachel: What? You just click when they click.

Teacher: Alright people, now everyone grab a partner.

(The girls are unsure how to pair off. Phoebe settles it)

Phoebe: Okay. And, my, dead, mother, says, you, are, it. I'm with Rachel.

Monica: Great. It's gym class all over again.

Phoebe and Rachel: Aww.

Teacher: Well that's all right, you can come up to the front and dance with me.

Monica: Why don't I just take off my clothes and have a nightmare.

(She starts to walk very slowly toward the front of the room. The teacher grabs her hand and pulls her. Suddenly a woman bursts in)

Woman: It's okay, it's okay, I'm here, I'm here. Sorry I'm late, okay, here I am. Who's the new tense girl?

Teacher: She's your partner.

Woman: Hi. I'm Monica.

Monica: Oh. Monica! ...Hi. I'm Mo- ...nana.

Woman: (Fake Monica) Monana?

Monica: Yeah. It's Dutch.

Fake Monica: You're kidding! I-I spent three years in Amsterdam. (Asks her something in Dutch)

Monica: Um, Pennsylvania Dutch.

Teacher: And we're dancing. A-five, six, seven, eight...

[Scene: Central Perk, Ross is entering.]

Ross: (Mortified) Hi.

Chandler and Joey: Hey.

Joey: Where've you been?

Ross: At the vet.

Chandler: She's not gonna make you wear one of those big plastic cones, is she?

Ross: She says Marcel's humping thing's not a phase. Apparently he's reached sexual maturity.

Joey: (To Chandler) Hey! He beat ya.

Ross: She says as time goes on, he's gonna start getting agressive and violent.

Chandler: So what does this mean?

Ross: I'm gonna have to give him up.

Commercial Break

[Scene: Central Perk, scene continued from earlier. They guys are sitting there like the Three Monkeys.]

Joey: I can't believe it, Ross. This sucks!

Chandler: I don't get it, I mean, you just got him. How can he be an adult already?

Ross: I know. I know. I mean, one day, he's this little thing, and before you know it, he's this little thing I can't get off my leg.

Joey: Isn't there any way you can keep him?

Ross: No, no. The vet says unless he's in a place where he has regular access to some... monkey lovin,' he's just gonna get vicious. I've just gotta get him into a zoo.

Joey: How do you get a monkey into a zoo?

Chandler: I know that one! ...No, that's Popes into a Volkswagen.

Ross: Well, we're applying to a lot of them. Naturally our first choice would be one of the bigger state zoos, y'know, like, uh, San Diego... right? But that might just be a pipe dream, because, y'know, he's out of state. Uh, my vet, uh, knows someone at Miami, so that's a possibility.

Chandler: Yeah, but that's like two blocks away from the beach. I mean, it's a total party zoo.

(Phoebe, Monica, and Rachel enters.)

Phoebe: Hey. We found her, we found the girl.

Chandler: What?

Joey: Did you call the cops?

Rachel: Nope. We took her to lunch.

Chandler: Ah. Your own brand of vigilante justice.

Ross: What?! Are you insane? This woman stole from you. She stole. She's a stealer.

Monica: Y'know what? After you're with this woman for like ten minutes, you forget all that. I mean, she is this astounding person, with this, with this amazing spirit.

Ross: Yeah, which she probably stole from some cheerleader.

Chandler: ...Take off their hats!

Phoebe: Popes in a Volkswagen! ...I love that joke.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica, Rachel and Fake Monica are there.]

Rachel: No way. No way did you do this.

Fake Monica: Monana was very brave.

Monica: It was so wild. We told them we were the Gunnersens in room six fifteen. Only to find out the Boston Celtics had taken over the entire sixth floor!

Fake Monica: So once they caught on to the fact that we're, y'know, short and have breasts...

Monica: ...They threw us out! I was thrown out of a hotel! Me!

Rachel: Go Monana! Well, you ladies are not the only ones living the dream. I get to go pour coffee for people I don't know. Don't wait up. (Exits)

Fake Monica: Oh, by the way, tomorrow we're auditioning for a Broadway show.

Monica: 'Scuse me?

Fake Monica: There's an open call for Cats. I'm thinking we go down there, sing Memories and make complete fools of ourselves. Whaddya say?

Monica: Nononononono. Think who you're dealing with here. I mean, I'm not like you. I-I can't even stand in front of a tap class.

Fake Monica: Well, that's just probably 'cause of your Amish background.

Monica: What?

Fake Monica: Well, you're Pennsylvania Dutch, right?

Monica: Right. Till I bought a blow dryer, then I was shunned.

Fake Monica: I-I used to be just like you. And then one day I saw a movie that changed my life. Did you ever see Dead Poets' Society?

Monica: Uh-huh.

Fake Monica: I thought that movie was so incredibly... boring. I mean, that thing at the end where the kid kills himself because he can't be in the play? What was that?! It's like, kid, wait a year, leave home, do some community theatre. I walked out of there and I thought, 'Now, that's two hours of my life that I'm never getting back.' And that thought scared me more than all the other crap I was afraid to do.

Monica: Wow. Then I would definitely not recommendMrs. Doubtfire.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, tiem lapse. Everyone but Joey and Monica are there.]

Ross: (Reading letters) Oh God. (To Marcel) We didn't get into Scranton. (To the others) That was like our safety zoo. They take like dogs and cows. See? I don't know who this is harder on, me or him.

Phoebe: I'd say that chair's taking the brunt.

Ross: Marcel! Marcel! Marcel, no! Good boy. See, how can nobody want him?

Rachel: Oh, somebody will.

Joey: (entering) You know there already is a Joseph Stalin?

Chandler: You're kidding.

Joey: Apparently he was this Russian dictator who slaughtered all these people. You'd think you would've known that!

Chandler: Y'know, you'd think I would've.

Joey: Phoebe. Whaddyou think a good stage name for me would be?

Phoebe: ...Flame Boy.

[Scene: Central Perk, Ross is talking to Dr. Baldhara, a zookeeper.]

Ross: Where exactly is your zoo?

Dr. Baldhara: Well, it's technically not a zoo per se, it's more of an interactive wildlife experience. Let me ask you some questions about, is it, uh, Marcel?

Ross: Yes.

Dr. Baldhara: Does he, uh, fight with other animals?

Ross: No-no, he's, he's very docile.

Dr. Baldhara: Even if he were... cornered?

Ross: Well I, I don't know. Why?

Dr. Baldhara: Uh, how is he at handling small objects?

Ross: He can hold a banana, if that's whatcha mean...

Dr. Baldhara: How about a hammer, or a small blade?

Ross: Why- why- why would he need a blade?

Dr. Baldhara: Well, if he's up against a jungle cat or an animal with horns, you've got to give the little guy something. Otherwise it's just cruel.

(Chandler and Joey burst in, with Marcel)

Chandler and Joey: He- he- he got in, he- he got in to San Diego.

Joey: We, we come back from our walk and the- the phone was ringing...

Chandler: ...He's in.

Ross: He's in! Oh, did you hear that, Marcel? San Diego. San Diego!

Dr. Baldhara: You're making a big mistake here. I mean, San Diego's all well and good, but if you give him to me, I'll start him off against a blind rabbit and give you twenty percent of the gains.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is dusting. She comes to the table, lifts all the magazines and wipes under them, then just puts them down again. Monica bursts in, obviously drunk.]

Monica: Yo- hooo!

Rachel: Where the hell've you been?

Monica: Monica and I just crashed an embassy party.

Rachel: Are you drunk?!

Monica: Noooo! (Comes closer and whispers) I'm lying. I am so drunk.

Rachel: Oh God, oh. Great, Monica, y'know what, you could've called, I have been up here, I've been worried...

(Monica is drinking from the tap)

Rachel: Monica? Monica!

Monica: Water rules!

Rachel: Yes, yes, it does. Okay, look, the restaurant called, they wanna know if you're gonna be showing up for work?

Monica: Nope. Going to the Big Apple Circus today.

Rachel: Okay Monica, what are you doing? You're gonna lose your job! This is not you!

Monica: No, it is me! Y'know, I'm not just the person who needs to fluff the pillows and pay the bills as soon as they come in! Y'know, when I'm with her, I am so much more than that. I'm- I'm Monana!

(The phone rings and Rachel answers)

Rachel: Hello? Yes, she is, hold on a second, please. Monana, it's for you, the credit card people.

Monica: Helloooo? Yeah. Oh my God. Thanks.

Rachel: What?

Monica: They've arrested Monica.

[Scene: New York City Department of Correction, Monica is visiting Fake Monica.]

Monica: Hi.

Fake Monica: Hey.

Monica: How are you?

Fake Monica: I'm not too bad. Fortunately, blue's my colour. How-how did you know I was here?

Monica: Because... I'm Monica Geller. It was my credit card you were using.

Fake Monica: That I was not expecting.

Monica: I want you to know, it wasn't me who turned you in.

Fake Monica: Oh. Thanks.

Monica: No, thank you! You have given me so much! I mean, if it wasn't for you, I would never have gotten to sing Memories on the stage at the Wintergarden Theater!

Fake Monica: Well, actually, you only got to sing 'Memo-'.

Monica: I just can't believe you're in here. I mean, what am I gonna do without you? Who's gonna crash the embassy parties with me? Who's gonna take me to the Big Apple Circus?

Fake Monica: Monica, I started my day by peeing in front of twenty-five other women, and you're worried about who's gonna take you to the Big Apple Circus?

Monica: Well, not... worried, just... wondering.

Fake Monica: There's nothing to wonder about, Monica. You're gonna go back to being exactly who you were, because that's who you are.

Monica: Not necessarily...

Fake Monica: Yes necessarily! I mean, I dunno what it is, maybe it's the Amish thing.

Monica: Um, I'm not actually Amish.

Fake Monica: Really? Then why are you like that?

[Scene: Tap Class, Monica is standing by the door.]

Teacher: You by the door. In or out?

Monica: In. (She joins in the dancing. She still flounders)

Teacher: You in the back, you're getting it all wrong!

Monica: Yeah, but at least I'm doing it!

[Scene: The Airport, everyone but Monica is there to see off Marcel.]

PA: This is the final boarding call for flight 67 to San Diego, boarding at gate 42A.

Phoebe: Okay. Good-bye, little monkey guy. Alright, I wrote you this poem. Okay, but don't eat it 'till you get on the plane.

Ross: Aww. Thank you, Aunt Phoebe.

Phoebe: Oh!

Chandler: Okay, bye, champ. Now, I know there's gonna be a lot of babes in San Diego, but remember, there's also a lot to learn.

Joey: I dunno what to say, Ross. Uh, it's a monkey.

Ross: Just, just say what you feel.

Joey: Marcel, I'm hungry.

Ross: That was good.

Rachel: (Brings Marcel a teddy bear) Marcel, this is for you. It's, uh, just, y'know, something to, um, do on the plane.

Ross: Uh, if you guys don't mind, I'd like to take a moment, just me and him.

All: Oh, sure. Sure, absolutely. (They just stand there, then realise what he means and go to the other end of the room)

Ross: Marcel, c'mere, c'mere. (He sits down and Marcel jumps down and sits beside him) Well buddy, this is it. There's just a coupla things I want to say. I'm really gonna miss you, and I'm never gonna forget about you. You've been more than just a pet to me, you've been more like a be- (Marcel climbs down and starts humping his leg) Okay, Marcel, please, could you leave my leg alone? Could you just stop humping me for two seconds?! Marcel, would- okay, just take him away. Just take him.

(Marcel is put in a cage and taken away.)

Closing Credits

[Scene: A Theater, there is a casting session going on for a play.]

Actor: (Very melodramatically, and very badly) Oh, that I were a glove upon that hand, that I might... touch thy cheek...

Casting Director No. 1: That's fine, thank you.

Casting Director No. 2: Next. (Joey walks onstage)

Joey: Hi, uh, I'll be reading for the role of Mercutio.

Casting Director No. 2: Name?

Joey: Holden McGroin.

End

121 假莫妮卡

怎有人知道你的信用卡号码?

我也不知道

你看他们花了多少钱

摩妮卡，冷静一下好吗?

信用卡的人说

你只须付你所买的东西

我知道，他真是挥霍无度

我想他偷去你的信用卡时

根本就已忘了王法

真是个变态

花了69•95元买"神奇拖把"

我买的

真的，它又来

马修，别再侵犯那盏灯了

马修，回来...

不，又到我房里了

我去抓它出来

罗斯，你得想办法阻止

什么?这只是个阶段

我们当时也是这么说乔伊的

你们冷静点行吗?

这又没什么了不起

马修，停，坏猴子

又怎么了?

我只能说

我的好奇乔治玩偶不再好奇

摩妮卡，你还是无法释怀

这女人过着我的生活

什么?

她过着我的生活

而且过得比我好，看

她买的戏票是我一直想看的戏

她买的衣服是我早就想买的

她花了三百块买艺术用品

你又不是艺术家

如果有艺术用品

我或许已是个艺术家

我本来可以的，只是现在不是

导演：盖尔曼库索

摩妮卡，别泄气

你做的工作很酷

真的?我们来做比较，好吗?

现在说"好吗"有点太迟了

我到过公园骑马吗?

我在新学校上过课吗?

没有

这太不公平了

她拥有我想要的一切

而且她没有我妈

乔依帕波尼如何?

不好，太有种族意味了

我的经纪人认为

我该取个中立一点的名字

乔伊瑞士?

而且，我应该就是乔

乔伊让我感觉...

这么大

我不是

乔...乔斯大林?

斯大林，我认识这名字吗?

听得很熟悉.

我没印象

乔斯大林，这名字很好

或许你想试试乔瑟夫

乔瑟夫斯大林

我好像记得这个名字

"别了，鸟儿"乔瑟夫斯大林主演

"屋顶上的提琴手"中的乔瑟夫史达林

对，我是摩妮卡格勒

我想有在你们那里上课

我想知道是哪些课

你在干什么?

太好了，谢谢

我要去上踢踏舞课

这样你就可以

和偷你信用卡的人一起上课?

这女人偷走了我的生活

我应该去看看她是何方神圣

去邮局看