it could be nice to have a company when you got to take sh1t all by yourself, but its just sooo mean to add some more sh1t to me when im deadly deaded...and all i can do is jsut to take all of it alone.....alone...with my brokenheart, with all tears rolling down on my face... i chose a bad time to ask camille for the answear which actually i knew already. but still i need to get it from him. i asked him right before i left his, he said he wasnt sure yet. i asked him to take time figure it out but let me know tonite, then i was outta there, but dont know if it was the fate or anything, i could not get a fuking taxi all the way on the street... i mean no one fuking taxi was available... it had been one hr, i was still there, out of my cigz, hating the feeling of waiting......freezing, all freaking out, i wondered if there was a taxi for me. i just can not take it anymore, i just wanted go home, i just wanted a fuking taxi, is it tooo much to ask or what? i was done waiting , i called camille, couldnt hold my emotion but yelled at him for that answear, i told him that plzzz....seriousely, both of us knew it, why dont you just tell me, you can tell me what you want, you dont want a relationship, you just want me to suk your dic, you dont wanna give up me cuz only me can suk it that well... im fine, just need to hear it from you, cant you just not be so fuking selfish and give me a break, i just can not take it anymore... he still seemed to have a hard time to tell me this, he kept saying that he likes me, but god! man! by "like" which i knew just "all about the fuk", daMn! maybe just that he cant tell me that out of his mouth, so he told me he still need time to think and that will text me later. meaning i gotta wait awhile more. so agian there i was, fuking walking on the street, looking at alllll the taxiz that were alll taken already. even couples of times some avaiable ones there, but they were heading towards other ways, i hailed anyways, but as i came on up to them, there were just ppl who stayed closer got them before me... i began to wonder if there was one for me, even i was out there trying anything to get one of them, iv done what i can do, but things just dont go the way as i wanted, its might be just my luck... i collapsed, all the pressure just bursted out, i couldnt help but just to cry out loud on the street... i was scared, i was lonely, i was helpless... then i got the message from him, id admite that for like 0.5 second i believed that miracle can happen, but of course, nothing went dramatically, said it i like you, i wish to see you agian, but i cant take any engagement. i swear thoes were the most most painfull words i even seen, altho i knew it was going to happen already, i thought i could take it but actually i was wrong, too damn wrong, it was just like rubbing salts all over me in my woundz, i cried, i cried, i cried, iv never gotten so heartbroken, pathatic, walked alone all the way, on the cold street, i mean where the fuk is here???? hell? then dont know when, i got one..finally. i didnt go back home straight tho, i went to the lawson nearby, i told to myself to treat myself with a binge, what the hell, i havnt eat well, havent slept well, so i got some breads there, but it tasted just like craP... i didnt not feel like to eat any of them... and they even playing some g0ddamn sorrowful love music about love and hurting and sh1t... i ended up throwing away all the rest of the breads and buying alchol, but all i could afford was just a red lable, damn! but for real, i will be dead to have another one sleepless nite with so much craP going on in my mind. i needed substance to help calm me down. i got home, my sweet home, the saftest place for me in the world forever with no doubt. i hide myslef in the bathroom, cut cut cut, maybe it was the alcohol, i cut so hard like crazy, there was no pain, but the freaking pleasure to see all the blood running thru my wrist and dropping down into the write bath tub. i knew my life was gonna suck again, for some moments i had the illusion that camille could be the one fills out my empty world. but as the matter of the fact, im still alone... i hate the fact that i am fukable but never be loveable. just got one more ppl i kinda fell in love with again proved me that... .. then mom came in, she had known about me cutting, but the first time she caught me, the most fuked up side of me, so ugly! my god! what can i say, the alchol made me so emotional and sentimental, i told she dont be freaking out, it was not that horrible like what it looks like, plz, it was my life and all the mess, i could not let this poor little woman suffer it like i do. i told her that sorry i must'v been born fuked up, like theres a way i can help it. that was just the way i am, enjoying the pain, plz i knew this was none of your business, just pretend that you didnt see it. god! it was that ugly... i am sorry mom... i beg her not to tell dad about all these, he didnt have to know. how would any one like to see their child being a total mess like i am. i am just sorry... so sorry. the next thing i know i went to bed, had a peaceful sleeping in all these days. i had dreams, then this moning, i woke up, reliaze all of the sh1t has truely happened, i lost him, probably there is gonna be no good things can ever happen to me anymore. it sucks ass to wake up with some sweet dreams and yet the realistic life is 1000 miles far from it. life is going on, i gotta deal with it, which is something not that important for me, ok, i just want to fuk it, i dont care the diploma anymore ok? i wanna run away from it, i wanna quit, sooooo much... why the fuk should i deal with it, cant i just quit, get an easy way, leave here, leave china, go study abroad, start off a new life???????? loosers choose to avoid, and i am absolutely one of them. however, i cant not do that... for some god daMn craPPy reason, i have to keep doing this, i had to get up today and head to our univ, met another teacher, she told me to go to nursing dep find that mr. wu, hand in that ridicules self-comfession and ask for the forgivness. i eventually learn that there is nothing called fairness but power, i did what they wanted me to do. what ever how unbelieveable it is, i gotta face it... the sick facts.. the up-side-down facts and ect. blah blah blah... that vice director was too busy with some other stuff and had no time to see me of course, the result is here i am, back home, drinking in the noon, smoking... feeling like on crack, putting up this long ass funny entry. yes, camille text me again today, how r u? i was like ohh my god!!! holycraP, r u kidding? how am i??? fuk u! maybe i should try drugs, iv thought about it, i wonder what it feels like to hit coke or some more hard stuff... i dont know, gotta gimme one of them! i so need them. to fuk up my already fuked-up head. yeah, i am hurt, soo bad... sooo deep.... sooooooo painful... ppl like me in the histroy are either kill themselfs or be send to the mental hospitals.
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