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网络视频时代如何致祝酒辞？

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没有比致祝酒辞更令人恐怖的讲话了，因为它极易酿成一场灾难。就连马克·吐温在如日中天时也承认，当他爬上一张桌子向尤利西斯·S·格兰特(Ulysses S. Grant)将军敬酒时，他"感到心惊胆寒"。

当晚在马克·吐温之前致辞的14个人花了逾六小时时间。在那个时代，除了演讲，其他娱乐活动就只有从骡子身上抓虱子，听演讲就相当于参加一场拱廊之火(Arcade Fire)摇滚乐队的音乐会。

然 而，如今我们生活在一个娱乐活动十分丰富的世界里。我常常对孩子说："别玩手机了，看电视！"鉴于注意力短缺已成为一种通病，致祝酒辞的压力越来越大，要 能快快说完，还要说得极其搞笑，极其诚挚。此外，风险也变大了：你说的话可能会一直放在YouTube上，你刚在交友网站OkCupid上遇到的人只要用 谷歌搜索你的名字，它就会跳出来。

以下是引导你安全通过祝酒辞雷区的一些小贴士。

1. 不要自吹自擂。借 致辞之机偷偷自我吹嘘一番，是我们这个时代的"讲话传播病"。例如："很多年前我在宝洁(P&G)打拼的时候，乔恩(Jon)支持我在攻击牌身体 喷雾(Attack Body Spray)里加一点火药的想法。攻击牌的成功让我成为青少年体味控制(Teen Odor Control)部门副总裁。乔恩就是这样的人。"

乔恩可不是这样的人，你才是。你到场应该是为了说说你亲友的好话，那就这样做就好了。 你过世的姑姑很特别，但并不是因为她启发了你的灵感，使你创作了那本讲述史密斯学院(Smith)一名英文教授的故事、至今在亚马逊上仍未售罄的小说。我 们都渴望受赞扬，渴望推销自己，但现在并不是恰当的时间和场合──等你结婚或去世时，或许会有人为你致一番漂亮、无私的祝酒辞。

2. 保持短小精悍。除非你是喜剧演员路易斯·C·K(Louis C.K.)，否则没人想听你长篇大论。听众真正想让你做的是什么呢？是让他们有更多时间玩糖果粉碎传奇(Candy Crush)。

祝酒辞的最佳时长是三分钟，既然不允许你谈自己，那还有什么好说的呢，对吗？祝酒辞只要超过五分钟，派对上所有客人心里都会开始嘀咕："拜托你闭嘴，拜托你闭嘴......"请你快一点结束，给人们带去些许惊喜和快乐吧。

3. 别把难堪当有趣。让人难堪的故事就像硝化甘油──你也许能及时把它放到纳粹(Nazi)的桥上，但可能性更大的是你炸掉了自己的吉普车。

症 结在于听众不知道故事的来龙去脉。当拉吉夫(Rajiv)冲着系主任扔酿番茄，让她从自行车上摔下来的时候，他们并不在场，也没有像你一样喝醉。还有，难 堪的故事通常是派对结束后大家记住的唯一一件事。五十年之后，牧师在婚礼上说了什么大家一个词也想不起来了。但你描述的那幅珍妮弗(Jennifer)在 凯茜(Casey)的鱼缸里方便的画面会铭刻在他们的脑海里。

没错，你迫切想要表现得风趣，但讲些令人难堪的故事并没有什么好处。那坏处呢？你余生的每一天都会在一身冷汗中醒来。还是说点简短、诚挚的话吧。

4. 选择一个故事，两个也可以。致 祝酒辞的人常常会从一则轶事扯到另一则轶事，把致辞变成了故事大杂烩，使急着想找颗M&M巧克力豆来吃的听众沮丧不已。请为你的致辞选择一个单一 主题──比如，香农(Shannon)长得像蒙娜·丽莎(Mona Lisa)；鲍勃(Bob)本来有望成为被困井下的伟大智利矿工）──然后选择一两个合适的故事，使你能用有趣或温馨的话来把你的主题讲透。

5. 写下来并事先演练。即 兴发挥？想都不要去想。把你的祝酒辞写下来，然后打印在记事卡上，因为如果你拿出大张大张的纸，人们的心情立马就会沉重。当着你的猫（让狗做听众太简单 了）的面至少大声演练五遍。你可以把演讲辞背下来，但还是要带上记事卡──要是你在1999年把朋友的养老金投进了安然公司(Enron)的股票，现在你 面对他们的时候，大脑会很容易变成一片空白。

马克·吐温说，他的祝酒辞很成功──像炸药一样震撼了（格兰特）。"我不是有意给你施加压力，但我会上Youtube看你的祝酒辞说得成不成功。

There is no more terrifying speech to make than a toast, because none is more prone to disaster. Even Mark Twain, at the height of his fame, confessed that he 'was in awful terror' as he climbed onto a table to toast Gen. Ulysses S. Grant.

The 14 speakers who went before Twain that night had taken more than six hours. In an age where the only other entertainment option was picking lice off a mule, listening to speeches was the equivalent of going to an Arcade Fire concert.

Today, however, we live in a world of diversions. I often find myself telling my kids, 'Get off your phone and watch the TV!' Given our communal attention deficit, the pressure has mounted on toasts to be fast, funny and heartfelt as hell. Plus the stakes are higher: Your talk will likely appear on YouTube for the rest of time, popping up when the person you just met through OkCupid Googles your name.

So here are some tips to navigate the toasting minefield.

1. Don't make it about you. The sneaky insertion of self-congratulation is the Speech-Transmitted Disease of our times. For instance, 'Years ago I was marching up the ladder at P&G and Jon supported my idea of adding a touch of gunpowder to Attack Body Spray. The success of Attack led to my becoming V.P. of Teen Odor Control. That's the kind of guy Jon is.'

Nope. That's the kind of guy you are. You're there to say nice things about your friend or relative, so do just that. Your dead aunt wasn't special because she was the inspiration for your still-available-on-Amazon novel about an English professor at Smith. We all crave praise and more sales, but this isn't the time or place -- wait until you get married or die, and then maybe someone will deliver a nice, selfless toast about you.

2. Keep it short. Unless you're Louis C.K., people don't want to hear you talk a lot. What's the one thing they actually want from you? More time to go play Candy Crush.

Three minutes is the perfect toast length, and since you're not allowed to talk about yourself, how much is there really to say, right? The moment you go over five minutes, the interior monologue of every guest at the party is, 'Please shut up, please shut up . . .' Give people the gift of surprise and delight by finishing up fast.

3. Embarrassing isn't the same as funny. An embarrassing story is like nitroglycerin -- you might get it to the Nazi bridge in time, but it's more likely you'll blow up your own Jeep instead.

The problem is the audience's lack of context. They weren't there with you, or as drunk as you, when Rajiv threw the stuffed tomato and knocked the dean off her bike. Also, the embarrassing story is often the only thing that everyone remembers from the event. Fifty years from now, people won't recall a word that the minister said at the wedding. What they will have embedded in their minds is the image you painted of Jennifer relieving herself in Casey's aquarium.

Yes, you feel pressed to be funny, but the humiliating story doesn't have much of an upside. And the downside? Waking up in a cold sweat for the rest of your life. Go with short and heartfelt instead.

4. Pick one story, maybe two. Toasters often ramble from one anecdote to the next, turning their speech into a trail mix of stories, frustrating listeners desperate to find an M&M. Choose a single theme about your subject -- Shannon looks like the Mona Lisa; Bob would have made a great trapped Chilean miner -- and pick a story or two that let you say something amusing or sweet to slam that theme through the hoop.

5. Write and rehearse. Don't even think about winging it. Write your toast down, then print it on note cards, because when you pull out big sheets of paper people's hearts sink. Practice the toast out loud at least five times in front of your cat (dogs are too easy an audience). You can memorize the speech, but bring your cards anyway -- it's easy to go blank in front of friends whose pensions you put into Enron stock in 1999.

Twain reported that his toast was a hit -- it 'shook [Grant] up like dynamite.' No pressure, but I'll be tracking your toast's success on YouTube. 



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