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很多家庭都有隐私界限之争

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Attention, loved ones: I adore you and want you in my life. But ask me just one more time if I am ever going to remarry or why I couldn't answer the phone when you called yesterday -- seven times in a row -- and that could change very quickly.


朋好友们，请注意：我很爱你们，在我的生活中需要你们，但是如果大家再问我一次我是否会再婚，或者为什么你昨天打电话的时候我没有接──连续七次电话都没接──那种情感会很快发生改变。



Many families have boundary battles. Relatives, of course, don't mean to pry and often are honestlyconcerned and trying to offer help when asking personal questions. But the line between appropriate and inappropriate is open to interpretation.


很多家庭都有隐私界限之争。当然，亲戚们在询问一些个人问题的时候并不是有意要刺探隐私，他们经常是出于真正的关心，想要尽量给你提供帮助。但是关心适当与不适当之间的界限很难解释清楚。



Knowing how to push back against pushy people is essential to healthy relationships. It takes stamina and skill. No wonder so many of us are lousy at it.


懂得如何推挡强势之人的问话对于维持健康的人际关系十分重要。这需要耐力和技巧，难怪我们这么多人在这方面做得非常糟糕。



In reporting this column, I heard about adults' attempts to set boundaries with siblings who criticize and friends who ask probing questions. (Among the most hated: 'How much did you spend on that?'; 'When are you going to have kids?' and 'Don't you know how to say no?') Spouses struggle to draw the line over money and how much time they should be able to spend alone.


在写这篇专栏报道的时候，我听说有些成年人给那些喜欢批评自己的兄弟姐妹和喜欢试探隐私的朋友设定了界限。（最令人讨厌的问题有："你买那个东西花了多少钱？"；"你准备什么时候要孩子？"以及"你难道不知道如何说不吗？"）很多夫妻也竞相在钱和独处的时间问题上画出一条界线。



In an extreme example, last month a 21-year-old Ohio college student made international headlines after winning a restraining order against her parents, who she said installed monitoring software on her laptop and cellphone.


一个极端的例子是：上个月，一名21岁的俄亥俄大学生在赢得了针对父母的一项禁令请求之后成为了国际新闻人物，她说她的父母在她的笔记本电脑和手机上安装了监控软件。



About a year ago, I moved from New York to an apartment several miles away from my parents' home in Miami Beach. My first night there, I was curled up with a glass of wine and a good book when I heard a knock on the door. I live on the 10th floor of a very secure building, and there, outside my door, was my mom, holding up two frozen yogurts. 'How did you get up here unannounced?' I blurted out. 'It was easy,' she said. 'I bribed the guard with a sundae.'


大约一年前，我从纽约搬到了迈阿密海滩(Miami Beach)距离我父母家几英里的一套公寓里。搬去那里的第一个晚上，我拿着一杯葡萄酒和一本好书蜷坐在屋里，这时我听到了敲门声。我住在一栋非常安全的大楼的10层，站在门外的是我母亲，手里拿着两杯冰冻酸奶。我脱口而出："事先没通报你是怎么上来的？""很简单，"她说，"我用一个圣代冰淇淋贿赂了门卫。"



Now, I love my mom, but a gal needs some privacy. So, the next morning I marched down to the front desk, showed the security guards a photo of my mother and explained she was never, ever to be allowed upstairs again unannounced. Then I gently explained the rules to mom. ('That's OK,' she said with a smile. 'I have other daughters.')


要知道，我很爱我的母亲，但是女儿也需要点隐私。于是第二天早上，我下楼来到前台，向门卫出示了我母亲的一张照片并解释说，如果未经事先通报，绝对不能再让她上楼来。然后，我很温和地给我母亲解释了公寓的规定。（"好吧，"她笑着说，"我还有其他几个女儿。"）



Some of us, it seems, don't know the definition of a boundary. In psychological terms it means 'knowing what you are responsible for and what you are not responsible for,' says David Reiss, a San Diego psychiatrist. It marks 'when your own autonomy and self-esteem are being invaded, and you need to step back and protect yourself, while minimizing any hostility or confrontation.'


我们当中有些人似乎并不懂得界限的定义。圣地亚哥(San Diego)的精神病学家戴维•赖斯(David Reiss)说，用心理学的术语来说，它的意思"知道你该对什么负责以及不该对什么负责"。它可以标记出"什么时候你的自主权和自尊受到了侵犯，你需要退一步来保护自己，同时将敌视和对抗减小到最低程度"。



Experts say when setting boundaries you can't worry too much about giving offense. Remember that you have a right to set the boundary. 'I often remind my clients that no one has ever died from being disappointed or offended,' says Julie Hanks, a licensed clinical social worker in Salt Lake City.


专家说，在设定界限时，你不要过多担心会得罪人。记住，你有权设定界限。盐湖城(Salt Lake City)的执业临床社会工作者朱莉•汉克斯(Julie Hanks)说："我经常提醒我的客户，没有人因为失望或被人得罪而一命呜呼。"



To establish, or re-establish, boundaries with someone you care about, start with empathy, Ms. Hanks says. Assume positive intent. The other person probably didn't mean to hurt or annoy you. A mother-in-law who drops by unannounced too often may miss her grandchildren and want a closer relationship with you.


汉克斯说，要在你与你在意的人之间设立或重新设立界限，出发点必须是将心比心的心态。要从好处着想，对方可能无意伤害或惹恼你。经常不期而至的婆婆/岳母可能是想她的孙子/外孙了，并希望能跟你的关系更亲密一些。



Be clear about what you want and say it to the person, rather than focusing on the unwelcome behavior. Don't overexplain. 'If you explain too much, people will focus on your explanation and forget your original position,' says Hal Shorey, psychologist and assistant professor at the Institute for Graduate Clinical Psychology at Widener University, in Chester, Pa.


要明确自己想要的东西并告知对方，而不是仅仅留意不受欢迎的行为。不要过度解释。宾夕法尼亚州切斯特(Chester)韦德纳大学(Widener University)研究生临床心理学研究所(Institute for Graduate Clinical Psychology)的心理学家及助理教授哈尔•肖里(Hal Shorey)说："如果你解释得太多，人们会特别注意你的解释，忘了你原本的立场。"



Try to control your emotions, and don't begin the conversation in the heat of the moment. 'Everything negative does not require an immediate response or resolution,' Dr. Reiss says.


尽量控制你的情绪，不要在最激动的时候开始谈话。赖斯博士说："任何负面的东西都不需要立即回应或马上解决。"



Start with the positive, says Jerry Cook, associate professor at California State University, Sacramento, and author of the book 'Grow Your Marriage by Leaps and Boundaries.' He suggests saying, 'Our relationship means the world to me. But what you said bothers me, and I want to make sure that doesn't happen again because I value our relationship.'


《让你的婚姻飞速成长》(Grow Your Marriage by Leaps and Boundaries)一书的作者、加利福尼亚州立大学萨克拉门托分校(California State University, Sacramento)副教授杰瑞•库克(Jerry Cook)说，从好话开始讲起。他建议这样说话："我们之间的关系对我来说意味着一切，可是你说的话让我不快，我想确信这种事不要再发生，因为我很看重我们的关系。"



If you are the one told to back off and respect boundaries, ask yourself a question and answer honestly: Were you acting out of concern, or were you trying to fulfill some unmet need of your own? Dr. Cook says you will need to tell yourself, 'This relationship is important to me, so it's OK if my feelings are hurt when we talk about this. I want to get this right.'


如果你是那个被要求退避三舍、尊重界限的人，问自己一个问题并如实回答：你是出于关心还是为了满足自己某个未曾得到满足的需求才这么做的？库克博士说你需要告诉自己："这个关系对来很重要，因此当我们谈论这件事时我的感情受到了伤害，这没有什么。我想保持良好的关系。"



Generational expectations often differ because ideas about boundaries change over time. Behavior that is appropriate between parents and small children will change as the children grow.


不同代人之间的预期经常会有差异，因为对于界限的想法随着时间发生了改变。父母和孩子之间的适当行为会随着孩子的成长发生变化。



We sometimes invite others to step into our business by disclosing too much information, or expecting too much sympathy or advice. It's best not to share marital woes too openly unless you want lots of meddling -- or some serious backlash against your life partner. And have you ever told an adult sibling how much you make for a living? Enough said.


我们有时候是因为泄露了过多信息或者是因为期待过多的同情或建议而招致别人涉足我们的事情。如果不想得到太多干涉，最好不要过多公开婚姻的不幸──或者对你人生伴侣的严重不满。你是否曾告诉过一个成年的兄弟姐妹你挣多少钱？这些东西不必多言。



And yet there is good news for those who feel boundaries need to be reinforced. 'Sometimes, when one person makes a positive change, it encourages others to behave better,' Dr. Reiss says.


然而，对那些觉得界限需要巩固的人来说，有一条好消息。赖斯博士说："有时候，当一个人做出积极改变的时候，这会鼓励别人有更好表现。"



Arash Afshar, a 30-year-old artist and graphicdesigner in San Diego, says it took several years but he finally got his father to leave fewer 'venting' voice mails on his cellphone. Until recently, Mr. Afshar says, whenever he didn't answer his phone his dad would leave a message with questions like, 'Why do you even have a cellphone?' Often, he would call back repeatedly to continue his point, Mr. Afshar says.


30岁的阿拉什•阿夫沙尔(Arash Afshar)是圣地亚哥一名艺术家及平面设计师。他说他花了好几年时间，终于让他父亲在他的手机里少留一些"发泄性的"语音邮件。阿夫沙尔说，直到最近之前，只要他没有接父亲的电话，他父亲就会在留言中问这样的问题："你干嘛还要用手机？"阿夫沙尔说，经常，他都要反复回电话坚持自己的观点。



The problem was partly generational. Mr. Afshar says his father, who was raised in Iran, 'comes from a generation where people rushed to pick up the phone, and I come from one where phone calls are a nuisance.' He tried explaining there were lots of reasons why he couldn't answer the phone, but the logic didn't work. He started actively avoiding his dad's calls, and when the two did talk, there were shouting matches.


这个问题部分是由于代际差异造成的。阿夫沙尔说他父亲是在伊朗长大的，"他那一代人动不动就拿起电话，而我所在的这一代人却把电话当成是讨厌的东西"。他曾试着解释，他有很多不能接电话的理由，但是在逻辑上就是讲不通。他开始故意回避父亲的电话，而当两个人真的谈起话来的时候，他们总是大吵大闹。



Then, in psychotherapy, Mr. Afshar began to see that his father felt ignored. He hit on a winning strategy: He returned his father's calls only when the messages were nice. This, folks, is called positive reinforcement. It's how they train Shamu.


后来，在接受心理治疗的时候，阿夫沙尔开始明白，他父亲感到被忽视了。他忽然想到了一个制胜的策略：只有在留言听起来很和气的时候他才给父亲回电话。各位，这叫做正强化。这也是他们训练杀人鲸Shamu的方法。



Mr Afshar says at first he noticed when they talked, his dad's tone was a little cold but now his father also seems relieved. 'We have a much better relationship now,' he says.


阿夫沙尔说，起初他注意到，他们在谈话的时候，他父亲的语调有点冷淡，但是现在他父亲看上去也很释然了。他说："我们现在的关系好多了。"



Elizabeth Bernstein


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