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endeavour not to new coin it. To which end, together with all

vizards for the day, I prohibit all masks for the night, made of
oiled skins and I know not what--hog's bones, hare's gall, pig

water, and the marrow of a roasted cat. In short, I forbid all
commerce with the gentlewomen in what-d'ye-call-it court. ITEM, I

shut my doors against all bawds with baskets, and pennyworths of
muslin, china, fans, atlases, etc. ITEM, when you shall be breeding

-
MILLA. Ah, name it not!

MIRA. Which may be presumed, with a blessing on our endeavours -
MILLA. Odious endeavours!

MIRA. I denounce against all strait lacing, squeezing for a shape,
till you mould my boy's head like a sugar-loaf, and instead of a

man-child, make me father to a crooked billet. Lastly, to the
dominion of the tea-table I submit; but with proviso, that you

exceed not in your province, but restrain yourself to native and
simple tea-table drinks, as tea, chocolate, and coffee. As likewise

to genuine and authorised tea-table talk, such as mending of
fashions, spoiling reputations, railing at absent friends, and so

forth. But that on no account you encroach upon the men's
prerogative, and presume to drink healths, or toast fellows; for

prevention of which, I banish all foreign forces, all auxiliaries to
the tea-table, as orange-brandy, all aniseed, cinnamon, citron, and

Barbadoes waters, together with ratafia and the most noble spirit of
clary. But for cowslip-wine, poppy-water, and all dormitives, those

I allow. These provisos admitted, in other things I may prove a
tractable and complying husband.

MILLA. Oh, horrid provisos! Filthy strong waters! I toast
fellows, odious men! I hate your odious provisos.

MIRA. Then we're agreed. Shall I kiss your hand upon the contract?
And here comes one to be a witness to the sealing of the deed.

SCENE VI.
[To them] MRS. FAINALL.

MILLA. Fainall, what shall I do? Shall I have him? I think I must
have him.

MRS. FAIN. Ay, ay, take him, take him, what should you do?
MILLA. Well then--I'll take my death I'm in a horrid fright--

Fainall, I shall never say it. Well--I think--I'll endure you.
MRS. FAIN. Fie, fie, have him, and tell him so in plain terms: for

I am sure you have a mind to him.
MILLA. Are you? I think I have; and the horrid man looks as if he

thought so too. Well, you ridiculous thing you, I'll have you. I
won't be kissed, nor I won't be thanked.--Here, kiss my hand though,

so hold your tongue now; don't say a word.
MRS. FAIN. Mirabell, there's a necessity for your obedience: you

have neither time to talk nor stay. My mother is coming; and in my
conscience if she should see you, would fall into fits, and maybe

not recover time enough to return to Sir Rowland, who, as Foible
tells me, is in a fair way to succeed. Therefore spare your

ecstasies for another occasion, and slip down the back stairs, where
Foible waits to consult you.

MILLA. Ay, go, go. In the meantime I suppose you have said
something to please me.

MIRA. I am all obedience.
SCENE VII.

MRS. MILLAMANT, MRS. FAINALL.
MRS. FAIN. Yonder Sir Wilfull's drunk, and so noisy that my mother

has been forced to leave Sir Rowland to appease him; but he answers
her only with singing and drinking. What they may have done by this

time I know not, but Petulant and he were upon quarrelling as I came
by.

MILLA. Well, if Mirabell should not make a good husband, I am a
lost thing: for I find I love him violently.

MRS. FAIN. So it seems; for you mind not what's said to you. If
you doubt him, you had best take up with Sir Wilfull.

MILLA. How can you name that superannuated lubber? foh!
SCENE VIII.

[To them] WITWOUD from drinking.
MRS. FAIN. So, is the fray made up that you have left 'em?

WIT. Left 'em? I could stay no longer. I have laughed like ten
Christ'nings. I am tipsy with laughing--if I had stayed any longer

I should have burst,--I must have been let out and pieced in the
sides like an unsized camlet. Yes, yes, the fray is composed; my

lady came in like a NOLI PROSEQUI, and stopt the proceedings.
MILLA. What was the dispute?

WIT. That's the jest: there was no dispute. They could neither of
'em speak for rage; and so fell a sputt'ring at one another like two

roasting apples.
SCENE IX.

[To them] PETULANT drunk.
WIT. Now, Petulant? All's over, all's well? Gad, my head begins

to whim it about. Why dost thou not speak? Thou art both as drunk
and as mute as a fish.

PET. Look you, Mrs. Millamant, if you can love me, dear Nymph, say
it, and that's the conclusion--pass on, or pass off--that's all.

WIT. Thou hast uttered volumes, folios, in less than decimo sexto,
my dear Lacedemonian. Sirrah, Petulant, thou art an epitomiser of

words.
PET. Witwoud,--you are an annihilator of sense.

WIT. Thou art a retailer of phrases, and dost deal in remnants of
remnants, like a maker of pincushions; thou art in truth

(metaphorically speaking) a speaker of shorthand.
PET. Thou art (without a figure) just one half of an ass, and

Baldwin yonder, thy half-brother, is the rest. A Gemini of asses
split would make just four of you.

WIT. Thou dost bite, my dear mustard-seed; kiss me for that.
PET. Stand off--I'll kiss no more males--I have kissed your Twin

yonder in a humour of reconciliation till he [hiccup] rises upon my
stomach like a radish.

MILLA. Eh! filthy creature; what was the quarrel?
PET. There was no quarrel; there might have been a quarrel.

WIT. If there had been words enow between 'em to have expressed
provocation, they had gone together by the ears like a pair of

castanets.
PET. You were the quarrel.

MILLA. Me?
PET. If I have a humour to quarrel, I can make less matters

conclude premises. If you are not handsome, what then? If I have a
humour to prove it? If I shall have my reward, say so; if not,

fight for your face the next time yourself--I'll go sleep.
WIT. Do, wrap thyself up like a woodlouse, and dream revenge. And,

hear me, if thou canst learn to write by to-morrow morning, pen me a
challenge. I'll carry it for thee.

PET. Carry your mistress's monkey a spider; go flea dogs and read
romances. I'll go to bed to my maid.

MRS. FAIN. He's horridly drunk--how came you all in this pickle?
WIT. A plot, a plot, to get rid of the knight--your husband's

advice; but he sneaked off.
SCENE X.

SIR WILFULL, drunk, LADY WISHFORT, WITWOUD, MRS. MILLAMANT, MRS.
FAINALL.

LADY. Out upon't, out upon't, at years of discretion, and comport
yourself at this rantipole rate!

SIR WIL. No offence, aunt.
LADY. Offence? As I'm a person, I'm ashamed of you. Fogh! How

you stink of wine! D'ye think my niece will ever endure such a
Borachio? You're an absolute Borachio.

SIR WIL. Borachio?
LADY. At a time when you should commence an amour, and put your

best foot foremost -
SIR WIL. 'Sheart, an you grutch me your liquor, make a bill.--Give

me more drink, and take my purse. [Sings]:-
Prithee fill me the glass,

Till it laugh in my face,
With ale that is potent and mellow;

He that whines for a lass
Is an ignorant ass,

For a bumper has not its fellow.
But if you would have me marry my cousin, say the word, and I'll

do't. Wilfull will do't, that's the word. Wilfull will do't,
that's my crest,--my motto I have forgot.

LADY. My nephew's a little overtaken, cousin, but 'tis drinking
your health. O' my word, you are obliged to him -

SIR WIL. IN VINO VERITAS, aunt. If I drunk your health to-day,
cousin,--I am a Borachio.--But if you have a mind to be married, say

the word and send for the piper; Wilfull will do't. If not, dust it
away, and let's have t'other round. Tony--ods-heart, where's Tony?-

-Tony's an honest fellow, but he spits after a bumper, and that's a
fault.

We'll drink and we'll never ha' done, boys,
Put the glass then around with the sun, boys,

Let Apollo's example invite us;
For he's drunk every night,

And that makes him so bright,
That he's able next morning to light us.

The sun's a good pimple, an honest soaker, he has a cellar at your
antipodes. If I travel, aunt, I touch at your antipodes--your

antipodes are a good rascally sort of topsy-turvy fellows. If I had
a bumper I'd stand upon my head and drink a health to 'em. A match

or no match, cousin with the hard name; aunt, Wilfull will do't. If
she has her maidenhead let her look to 't; if she has not, let her

keep her own counsel in the meantime, and cry out at the nine
months' end.

MILLA. Your pardon, madam, I can stay no longer. Sir Wilfull grows
very powerful. Egh! how he smells! I shall be overcome if I stay.

Come, cousin.
SCENE XI.

LADY WISHFORT, SIR WILFULL WITWOUD, MR. WITWOUD, FOIBLE.
LADY. Smells? He would poison a tallow-chandler and his family.

Beastly creature, I know not what to do with him. Travel, quotha;
ay, travel, travel, get thee gone, get thee but far enough, to the

Saracens, or the Tartars, or the Turks--for thou art not fit to live
in a Christian commonwealth, thou beastly pagan.

SIR WIL. Turks? No; no Turks, aunt. Your Turks are infidels, and
believe not in the grape. Your Mahometan, your Mussulman is a dry

stinkard. No offence, aunt. My map says that your Turk is not so
honest a man as your Christian--I cannot find by the map that your

Mufti is orthodox, whereby it is a plain case that orthodox is a
hard word, aunt, and [hiccup] Greek for claret. [Sings]:-

To drink is a Christian diversion,
Unknown to the Turk or the Persian.

Let Mahometan fools
Live by heathenish rules,

And be damned over tea-cups and coffee.
But let British lads sing,

Crown a health to the King,
And a fig for your Sultan and Sophy.

Ah, Tony! [FOIBLE whispers LADY W.]
LADY. Sir Rowland impatient? Good lack! what shall I do with this

beastly tumbril? Go lie down and sleep, you sot, or as I'm a
person, I'll have you bastinadoed with broomsticks. Call up the

wenches with broomsticks.
SIR WIL. Ahey! Wenches? Where are the wenches?

LADY. Dear Cousin Witwoud, get him away, and you will bind me to
you inviolably. I have an affair of moment that invades me with

some precipitation.--You will oblige me to all futurity.
WIT. Come, knight. Pox on him, I don't know what to say to him.

Will you go to a cock-match?
SIR WIL. With a wench, Tony? Is she a shake-bag, sirrah? Let me

bite your cheek for that.
WIT. Horrible! He has a breath like a bagpipe. Ay, ay; come, will



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