owed me for their meal. Indeed, this was generally a hundred

times as much as they could have dined elsewhere for; but,
however, it was quid pro quo, if not ad valorem. Now, whenever

the opportunity offered of imposing on them I considered it only
as paying myself what they owed me: indeed, I did not always

confine myself strictly to what I had set down, however
extravagant that was; but I reconciled taking the overplus to

myself as usance.
"But I was not only too cunning for others--I sometimes

overreached myself. I have contracted distempers for want of
food and warmth, which have put me to the expense of a physician;

nay, I once very narrowly escaped death by taking bad drugs, only
to save one seven-eighth per cent in the price.

"By these and such like means, in the midst of poverty and every
kind of distress, I saw myself master of an immense fortune, the

casting up and ruminating on which was my daily and only
pleasure. This was, however, obstructed and embittered by two

considerations, which against my will often invaded my thoughts.
One, which would have been intolerable (but that indeed seldom

troubled me), was, that I must one day leave my darling treasure.
The other haunted me continually, viz., that my riches were no

greater. However, I comforted myself against this reflection by
an assurance that they would increase daily: on which head my

hopes were so extensive that I may say with Virgil--
'His ego nec metas rerum nec tempora pono.'

Indeed I am convinced that, had I possessed the whole globe of
earth, save one single drachma, which I had been certain never to

be master of-- I am convinced, I say, that single drachma would
have given me more uneasiness than all the rest could afford me

pleasure.
"To say the truth, between my solicitude in contriving schemes to

procure money and my extremeanxiety in preserving it, I never
had one moment of ease while awake nor of quiet when in my sleep.

In all the characters through which I have passed, I have never
undergone half the misery I suffered in this; and, indeed, Minos

seemed to be of the same opinion; for while I stood trembling and
shaking in expectation of my sentence he bid me go back about my

business, for that nobody was to be d--n'd in more worlds than
one. And, indeed, I have since learned that the devil will not

receive a miser."
CHAPTER XII

What happened to Julian in the characters of a general, an heir,
a carpenter, and a beau.

"The next step I took into the world was at Apollonia, in Thrace,
where I was born of a beautiful Greek slave, who was the mistress

of Eutyches, a great favorite of the emperor Zeno. That prince,
at his restoration, gave me the command of a cohort, I being then

but fifteen years of age; and a little afterwards, before I had
even seen an army, preferred me, over the heads of all the old

officers, to be a tribune.
"As I found an easy access to the emperor, by means of my

father's intimacy with him, he being a very good courtier--or, in
other words, a most prostitute flatterer--so I soon ingratiated

myself with Zeno, and so well imitated my father in flattering
him, that he would never part with me from about his person. So

that the first armed force I ever beheld was that with which
Marcian surrounded the palace, where I was then shut up with the

rest of the court.
"I was afterwards put at the head of a legion and ordered to

march into Syria with Theodoric the Goth; that is, I mean my
legion was so ordered; for, as to myself, I remained at court,

with the name and pay of a general, without the labor or the
danger.

"As nothing could be more gay, i. e., debauched, than Zeno's
court, so the ladies of gay disposition had great sway in it;

particularly one, whose name was Fausta, who, though not
extremely handsome, was by her wit and sprightliness very

agreeable to the emperor. With her I lived in good
correspondence, and we together disposed of all kinds of

commissions in the army, not to those who had most merit, but who
would purchase at the highest rate. My levee was now

prodigiously thronged by officers who returned from the
campaigns, who, though they might have been convinced by daily

example how ineffectual a recommendation their services were,
still continued indefatigable in attendance, and behaved to me

with as much observance and respect as I should have been
entitled to for making their fortunes, while I suffered them and

their families to starve.
"Several poets, likewise, addressed verses to me, in which they

celebrated my achievements; and what, perhaps, may seem strange
to us at present, I received all this incense with most greedy

vanity, without once reflecting that, as I did not deserve these
compliments, they should rather put me in mind of my defects.

"My father was now dead, and I became so absolute in the
emperor's grace that one unacquainted with courts would scarce

believe the servility with which all kinds of persons who entered
the walls of the palace behaved towards me. A bow, a smile, a

nod from me, as I passed through cringing crowds, were esteemed
as signal favors; but a gracious word made any one happy; and,

indeed, had this real benefit attending it, that it drew on the
person on whom it was bestowed a very great degree of respect

from all others; for these are of current value in courts, and,
like notes in trading communities, are assignable from one to the

other. The smile of a court favorite immediately raises the
person who receives it, and gives a value to his smile when

conferred on an inferior: thus the smile is transferred from one
to the other, and the great man at last is the person to discount

it. For instance, a very low fellow hath a desire for a place.
To whom is he to apply? Not to the great man; for to him he hath

no access. He therefore applies to A, who is the creature of B,
who is the tool of C, who is the flatterer of D, who is the

catamite of E, who is the pimp of F, who is the bully of G, who
is the buffoon of I, who is the husband of K, who is the whore of

L, who is the bastard of M, who is the instrument of the great
man. Thus the smile descending regularly from the great man to

A, is discounted back again, and at last paid by the great man.
"It is manifest that a court would subsist as difficultly without

this kind of coin as a trading city without paper credit.
Indeed, they differ in this, that their value is not quite so

certain, and a favorite may protest his smile without the danger
of bankruptcy.

"In the midst of all this glory the emperor died, and Anastasius
was preferred to the crown. As it was yet uncertain whether I

should not continue in favor, I was received as usual at my
entrance into the palace to pay my respects to the new emperor;

but I was no sooner rumped by him than I received the same
compliment from all the rest; the whole room, like a regiment of

soldiers, turning their backs to me all at once: my smile now
was become of equal value with the note of a broken banker, and

every one was as cautious not to receive it.
"I made as much haste as possible from the court, and shortly

after from the city, retreating to the place of my nativity,
where I spent the remainder of my days in a retired life in

husbandry, the only amusement for which I was qualified, having
neither learning nor virtue.

"When I came to the gate Minos again seemed at first doubtful,
but at length dismissed me; saying though I had been guilty of

many heinous crimes, in as much as I had, though a general, never
been concerned in spilling human blood, I might return again to

earth.
"I was now again born in Alexandria, and, by great accident,

entering into the womb of my daughter-in-law, came forth my own
grandson, inheriting that fortune which I had before amassed.