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如何向亲人道歉?

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I'd like to tell the man whose cab I stole in the rain last week that I'm very sorry. But to my mom, whose driving I criticized recently? Not so much.


我想对在上周的下雨天被我争抢下出租车的人说声对不起。但是，对我妈妈──最近我批评了她的驾车技术，我道歉的意愿却没那么强烈。



I'm in good company on this. According to new research from Canadian psychologists, people apologize about four times a week. But, on average, they offer up these apologies much more often to strangers (22% of the time) than to romantic partners (11%) or family members (7%). The only folks we apologize to more? Friends (46%).


有很多人也和我一样。加拿大心理学家的最新研究发现，人们每周大约会道歉四次。但是，平均来说他们向陌生人道歉的次数（占总数的22%）通常要比向爱人（11%）或者家人（7%）多得多。让我们会做出更多道歉的唯一人群是谁？朋友们（46%）。



Why is it so hard to say 'I'm sorry' to someone we love? Ask Phil Peachey. He knew he was in trouble when he woke up one morning to find his wife banging utensils around the kitchen. What was wrong? 'Nothing,' she said. He asked her again. She gave him the cold shoulder.


为什么对我们深爱的人说声"对不起"会这么难？问问皮奇(Phil Peachey) 。一天早上醒来，他发现妻子在厨房里摔盆砸碗，便知道自己一定是有麻烦了。怎么啦？"没怎么，"她说。他又问了一遍。妻子对他还是不理不睬。



Then he came up with the answer: Pinot Grigio -- a lot of it -- which he'd drunk the night before. Had he really told her he didn't trust her sense of direction and called her 'stupid'?


接着，他便想到了答案：灰皮诺葡萄酒(Pinot Grigio)──前一天晚上他喝了很多灰皮诺葡萄酒。他真的说了不相信她的方向感，而且说她"愚蠢"吗？



Uh-oh. Mr. Peachey, a 47-year-old real-estate broker in Orlando, Fla., quickly offered his best apology: 'Is there anyone who would like a new pair of shoes?'


噢，47岁的皮奇很快就做出了最好的道歉："有人想要一双新鞋吗？"皮奇是佛罗里达州奥兰多市(Orlando)的房地产经纪人。



'Nothing says 'I'm sorry' like Christian Dior,' he says.


"没什么道歉方式比一双克里斯汀•迪奥(Christian Dior)的鞋子更好了，"他说。



Odds are your mother taught you that it's important to apologize if you've done something wrong -- and to graciously accept an apology when one is offered. The act of making amends is crucial to maintaining harmony in both our personal relationships and the world at large.


你的妈妈大概告诉过你，如果你做了错事，那么道歉很重要──而且如果有人向你道歉，就要大方地接受。赔礼道歉对于保持人际关系甚至整个世界的和谐都至关重要。



Apologies are so important that many hospitals train their staffs to say they are sorry to patients and their families following a medical mistake because they've found it deters malpractice lawsuits. Economists have shown that companies offering a mea culpa to disgruntled customers fare better than ones offeringfinancial compensation.


道歉是如此重要，以至于很多家医院都培训他们的员工在出现医疗差错后要对患者及其家属表示歉意，因为院方发现这么做可以阻止他们对医疗事故提起诉讼。经济学家已经发现，向不满的客户承认自己犯下过失比做出经济赔偿的公司发展得要更顺利。



But apologies can be complicated. They're not always forthcoming, or even sincere. Making matters worse, there's a gender 'apology gap': Men and women have different approaches and different expectations when it comes to acts of contrition.


但道歉也没那么简单。人们并不总是乐于道歉，有时甚至缺乏诚意。更糟糕的是，在不同的性别之间还存在着"道歉代沟"：当遇到后悔不迭的事情时，男性和女性会采用不同的方式，也会有不同的期待。



Conventional wisdom says women apologize too much, and men don't apologize often enough. Women are good at nurturing relationships, the thinking goes, while men are too egotistical to say they're sorry or have a different take on social graces. Yet there's no proof that women are better than men at apologizing -- they just do it more often, sometimes for inconsequential offenses.


传统看法认为，女性道歉太多，而男性道歉则往往不够。按照这种看法，女性擅长人际关系的培养，而男性则因过于以自我为中心而不愿说抱歉，或者他们对社会礼节有着不同的想法。然而，没有证据表明女性比男性更擅长于道歉──她们只是会更经常道歉而已，有时仅仅是为了一些无关紧要的事情。



Two small studies at the University of Waterloo in Ontario, published last month by the journal Psychological Science, indicate men are just as willing as women to apologize if they think they've done something wrong. Men just have a different idea of what defines 'something wrong.'


位于安大略省的滑铁卢大学(University of Waterloo)进行了两项小型研究，并于上个月在《心理科学》(Psychological Science)杂志上公布了结果。研究表明，如果男性认为自己做了错事的话，他们会和女性一样乐于道歉。男性只是在确定"错事"的标准方面有着不同的看法。



Sandra Elmoznino, 27, a New York City teacher, says she apologizes all the time, whether for calling a friend too early in the morning or showing up two minutes late. 'I want to be in everyone's good graces,' she says. 'It's an anxiety thing.'


桑德拉•厄尔摩斯尼诺(Sandra Elmoznino)今年27岁，是纽约市的一名教师。她说，不论是因为在一大早给朋友打了电话，还是迟到两分钟出现，她无时无刻都在向别人道歉。"我想让所有人都喜欢我，"她说。"这是件让人焦虑的事情。"



Recently, though, Ms. Elmoznino has begun to feel that the constant apologizing has become a handicap. Her friends tease her about it. Men she has dated find it annoying. Her twin brother told her it makes her look unsure of herself. As a result, she's now making a conscious effort to apologize only when she's really done something wrong. 'I don't want to be like the boy who cried wolf,' she says.


但是最近，厄尔摩斯尼诺开始觉得经常道歉已经成了一种障碍。她的朋友因此而取笑她，跟她约会的男性也觉得这样很烦。她的孪生哥哥告诉她，经常道歉让她看上去显得不够自信。结果，她现在有意识地去做到只有在真正做了错事的时候才去道歉。"我不想和那个喊狼来了的孩子一样，"她说。



Funny, the men I spoke with agreed that women are too sensitive, though most of them were reluctant to talk on the record. I promised anonymity, though, and they piped up:


有趣的是，和我聊过的男性都认为女性过于敏感，但他们当中的大多数人并不愿意公开自己的身份。在我保证不会在文中提及他们的名字后，他们便打开了话匣子。



'Apologize? What language is that?'


"道歉？那是什么话？"



'Women care too much.'


"女人在乎的事情太多了。"



'One of the first requirements of getting into relationships with women is to rehearse saying 'I'm sorry' as many times as possible.'


"和女人建立恋爱关系的首要条件就是尽可能多地去练习说'对不起'。"



'If a husband speaks in the forest and no one hears him, is he still wrong?'


"如果一个丈夫在森林里说话，没有人听到他说了什么，他还是做错了吗？"



I pressed on, and asked men to explain exactly why they apologize -- when they do:


我继续追问，问他们到底什么才是他们道歉的理由：



'To move on.'


"为了继续生活。"



'To end the drama.' (Hmm. This from a man who's apologized recently to me.)


"为了到此为止。"（哼，这是最近向我道歉的一个男人说的。）



Mr. Peachey, of the Pinot Grigio episode, says he also was trying to do his best. To show remorse, he took his wife to the mall and bought her the shoes -- and an iPad. 'That was a $1,000 insult,' he calculated.


陷入灰皮诺葡萄酒"风波"的皮奇说，他也想尽力做到最好。为了表达歉意，他带妻子去商场买了那双鞋和iPad。"我犯了个1,000美元的过失，"他计算着。



Yet his wife, Rochelle, the 46-year-old director of an Internet dating site, says all she really wanted was the apology: 'I told him, had he just put his arms around me and said he was so sorry he screwed up and that he loved me, that would have been enough.'


而他的妻子罗谢尔(Rochelle)──46岁的网络约会网站负责人说，她真正想要的不过是一个道歉："我告诉过他，只要他用双臂搂着我，说他很抱歉把事情弄糟了，然后说他爱我，那就足够了。"



Need help with your own apologies? Here are some tips:


你在向别人道歉时需要帮助吗？以下是一些小的建议：



Know what you did wrong. If you're not sure, ask.


了解自己做错了什么。如果不清楚，就去问清楚。



Show real remorse. Don't say: 'I'm sorry you are hurt,' which suggests the person is too sensitive. Say: 'I am sorry I hurt you.'


诚挚地表达歉意。不要说："我很抱歉你受到了伤害，"这意味着你认为对方太敏感。要说: "我很抱歉伤害了你。"



Don't be defensive. Don't use the word 'but,' as in, 'I am sorry, but. . .'


不要试图为自己辩护。不要用"但是"这个词，比如说，"对不起，但是......"



Offer to make changes. It helps to say, sincerely, that you will try not to make the same offense again.


承诺将做出改变。真诚地说你将努力不再犯同样的错误会很有帮助。



Don't throw in the kitchen sink. If you're the one who wants the apology, stick to the matter at hand. Don't bring up past slights.


不要想到什么说什么。如果你是想要别人道歉的那个人，就事论事，不要提起过去的不快。



Try humor. A little self-deprecation can go a long way.


试试幽默。稍稍自嘲一下会大有帮助。



Don't delay. Just do it. An imperfectapology is better than none at all.


别再迟疑，说做就做。一个不完美的道歉终究好过根本不说抱歉。



Elizabeth Bernstein


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