When Do We Start?

An angry drunk was shouting at the police station.

"What I want to know is-what was I brought in for?"

"You were brought in for drinking," replied the sergeant.

"That's marvelous," said the drunk. "When do we start?"

　

Bouncing Up and Down

Nurse: Will you bounce up and down on your bed please, sir?

Patient: Why, nurse?

Nurse: I forgot go shake the bottle before giving you the medicine.

　

He Said Nothing

Mother: "What did your father say when he saw his broken glasses?"

Son: "Shall I leave out the swear-words, Mother?"

Mother: "OK,"

Son: "Then I don't think he said anything."

　

American Way of Life

Brown: John, would you lend me fifty dollars if I asked you?

John: Why, yes, I suppose so.

Brown: All right, then, lend me fifty, but just give me twenty-five of it.

John: O.K. But why?

Brown: Then you'll owe me twenty-five, and I'll owe you twenty-five, and we'll be all square.

　

"Three Hims"

A woman had been very faithful in attending all her church's services for many years, and the minister wanted to reward her. At the next Sunday-evening service he announced, "For her loyalty to the church, we shall reward Miss Jones by letting her pick three hymns for the evening."

"Oh, goody!" exclaimed Miss Jones. And, pointing to various members in the congregation, she said, "I'll take him and him".

　

Teacher's Pest

It is June. The sun is in the sky. It is very hot. Josie is tired of school. She wants to be at the beach. She cannot sit in her seat. She cannot stop talking. While the teacher writes on the board, Josie gets up and talks to a friend. The teacher, Mr. Rula, hears the noise and says, "Josie, sit down and be quiet." Josie sits down. Mr. Rula continues with he lesson. Josie gets up and talks to another friend. "Sit down and be quiet." says Mr. Rula. He is very annoyed with her, Josie continues talking.

"O. K," says Mr. Rula, "if you want to talk, then come to the front of the classroom and be the teacher."

"All right." Agrees Josie. She comes to the front of the classroom and says, "Quiet, everyone. I am the new teacher, and I say 'class dismissed.'"

　

I Want Two Cakes

Mother: Do you want a cookie, Pierre? Do you want a cookie, Pierre?

Pierre: Yes, Mum.

Mother: Why must I ask you twice?

Pierre: Because, Mum, I want two cookies.

　

Let Them Go

A man was applying for a job as a prison guard. The warden said, "Now these are real tough guys in here. Do you think you can handle it?"

"No problem!" the applicant replied, "If they don't behave, I'll let them go!"

　

Computer Humor

"I asked my dad where babies come from. He says you download them from the

Internet."

"Whenever something goes wrong, I just push this little Reset button and

restart. I wish my whole life was like that!"

　

The Organization

The organization is like a tree full of monkeys, all on different limbs at

different levels, some climbing up.

The monkeys on top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces. The

monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but ass holes.
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