words out of his mouth.
Edna felt
depressed rather than soothed after leaving them.
The little
glimpse of
domesticharmony which had been offered her,
gave her no regret, no
longing. It was not a condition of life
which fitted her, and she could see in it but an
appalling and
hopeless ennui. She was moved by a kind of commiseration for
Madame Ratignolle,--a pity for that colorless
existence which never
uplifted its possessor beyond the region of blind
contentment, in
which no moment of
anguish ever visited her soul, in which she
would never have the taste of life's delirium. Edna vaguely
wondered what she meant by "life's delirium." It had crossed her
thought like some unsought, extraneous impression.
XIX
Edna could not help but think that it was very foolish, very
childish, to have stamped upon her
wedding ring and smashed the
crystal vase upon the tiles. She was visited by no more outbursts,
moving her to such
futile expedients. She began to do as she liked
and to feel as she liked. She completely
abandoned her Tuesdays at
home, and did not return the visits of those who had called upon her.
She made no ineffectual efforts to conduct her household en
bonne menagere, going and coming as it suited her fancy, and,
so far as she was able, lending herself to any passing caprice.
Mr. Pontellier had been a rather
courteous husband so long as
he met a certain tacit submissiveness in his wife. But her new and
unexpected line of conduct completely bewildered him. It shocked
him. Then her
absolutedisregard for her duties as a wife angered
him. When Mr. Pontellier became rude, Edna grew
insolent. She had
resolved never to take another step backward.
"It seems to me the
utmost folly for a woman at the head of a
household, and the mother of children, to spend in an atelier days
which would be better employed contriving for the comfort of her
family."
"I feel like
painting," answered Edna. "Perhaps I shan't
always feel like it."
"Then in God's name paint! but don't let the family go to the
devil. There's Madame Ratignolle; because she keeps up her music,
she doesn't let everything else go to chaos. And she's more of a
musician than you are a
painter."
"She isn't a
musician, and I'm not a
painter. It isn't on
account of
painting that I let things go."
"On
account of what, then?"
"Oh! I don't know. Let me alone; you
bother me."
It sometimes entered Mr. Pontellier's mind to wonder if his
wife were not growing a little unbalanced mentally. He could see
plainly that she was not herself. That is, he could not see that
she was becoming herself and daily casting aside that fictitious
self which we assume like a
garment with which to appear before the
world.
Her husband let her alone as she requested, and went away to
his office. Edna went up to her atelier--a bright room in the top
of the house. She was
working with great
energy and interest,
without accomplishing anything, however, which satisfied her even
in the smallest degree. For a time she had the whole household
enrolled in the service of art. The boys posed for her. They thought
it
amusing at first, but the
occupation soon lost its attractiveness
when they discovered that it was not a game arranged especially for
their
entertainment. The quadroon sat for hours before Edna's
palette, patient as a
savage, while the house-maid took
charge of
the children, and the drawing-room went undusted. But the
housemaid, too, served her term as model when Edna perceived that the
young woman's back and shoulders were molded on
classic lines, and
that her hair, loosened from its confining cap, became an
inspiration. While Edna worked she sometimes sang low the little
air, "Ah! si tu savais!"
It moved her with recollections. She could hear again the
ripple of the water, the flapping sail. She could see the glint of
the moon upon the bay, and could feel the soft, gusty
beating of
the hot south wind. A subtle current of desire passed through her
body, weakening her hold upon the brushes and making her eyes burn.
There were days when she was very happy without
knowing why.
She was happy to be alive and breathing, when her whole being