that, she knew how he looked as well; he knew each of the things of
importance he was insidiously kept from doing, but she could add up
the
amount they made, understand how much, with a lighter weight on
his spirit, he might have done, and
thereby establish how, clever
as he was, he fell short. Above all she was in the secret of the
difference between the forms he went through--those of his little
office under Government, those of caring for his
modest patrimony,
for his library, for his garden in the country, for the people in
London whose invitations he accepted and repaid--and the
detachmentthat reigned beneath them and that made of all behaviour, all that
could in the least be called behaviour, a long act of
dissimulation. What it had come to was that he wore a mask painted
with the social simper, out of the eye-holes of which there looked
eyes of an expression not in the least matching the other features.
This the
stupid world, even after years, had never more than half
discovered. It was only May Bartram who had, and she achieved, by
an art
indescribable, the feat of at once--or perhaps it was only
alternately--meeting the eyes from in front and mingling her own
vision, as from over his shoulder, with their peep through the
apertures.
So while they grew older together she did watch with him, and so
she let this association give shape and colour to her own
existence. Beneath HER forms as well
detachment had
learned to
sit, and behaviour had become for her, in the social sense, a false
account of herself. There was but one
account of her that would
have been true all the while and that she could give straight to
nobody, least of all to John Marcher. Her whole attitude was a
virtual statement, but the
perception of that only seemed called to
take its place for him as one of the many things necessarily
crowded out of his
consciousness. If she had
moreover, like
himself, to make sacrifices to their real truth, it was to be
granted that her
compensation might have
affected her as more
prompt and more natural. They had long periods, in this London
time, during which, when they were together, a stranger might have
listened to them without in the least pricking up his ears; on the
other hand the real truth was
equallyliable at any moment to rise
to the surface, and the auditor would then have wondered indeed
what they were talking about. They had from an early hour made up
their mind that society was, luckily, unintelligent, and the margin
allowed them by this had fairly become one of their commonplaces.
Yet there were still moments when the situation turned almost
fresh--usually under the effect of some expression drawn from
herself. Her expressions
doubtlessrepeated themselves, but her
intervals were
generous. "What saves us, you know, is that we
answer so completely to so usual an appearance: that of the man
and woman whose friendship has become such a daily habit--or
almost--as to be at last indispensable." That for
instance was a
remark she had frequently enough had occasion to make, though she
had given it at different times different developments. What we
are especially
concerned with is the turn it happened to take from
her one afternoon when he had come to see her in honour of her
birthday. This
anniversary had fallen on a Sunday, at a season of
thick fog and general
outward gloom; but he had brought her his
customary
offering, having known her now long enough to have
established a hundred small traditions. It was one of his proofs
to himself, the present he made her on her birthday, that he hadn't
sunk into real
selfishness. It was
mostly nothing more than a
small trinket, but it was always fine of its kind, and he was
regularly careful to pay for it more than he thought he could
afford. "Our habit saves you, at least, don't you see?" because it
makes you, after all, for the
vulgar, indistinguishable from other
men. What's the most inveterate mark of men in general? Why the
capacity to spend endless time with dull women--to spend it I won't
say without being bored, but without minding that they are, without
being
driven off at a tangent by it; which comes to the same thing.
I'm your dull woman, a part of the daily bread for which you pray
at church. That covers your tracks more than anything."
"And what covers yours?" asked Marcher, whom his dull woman could
mostly to this
extent amuse. "I see of course what you mean by
your saving me, in this way and that, so far as other people are
concerned--I've seen it all along. Only what is it that saves YOU?