giving me 'a character.' Sir Edward sent for me, and was
most kind. He told me I was to go to the Pacific in the
first ship that left for South America, which would probably
be in a week or two; and he gave me a letter to his friend,
Admiral Thomas, who commanded on that station.
About this time, and for a year or two later, the relations
between England and America were
severely strained by what
was called 'the Oregon question.' The
dispute was concerning
the right of
ownership of the mouth of the Columbia river,
and of Vancouver's Island. The President as well as the
American people took the matter up very warmly; and much
discretion was needed to avert the
outbreak of hostilities.
In Sir Edward's letter, which he read out and gave to me
open, he requested Admiral Thomas to put me into any ship
'that was likely to see service'; and quoted a word or two
from my dear old captain Sir Thomas, which would probably
have given me a lift.
The
prospect before me was
brilliant. What could be more
delectable than the chance of a war? My fancy pictured all
sorts of opportunities, turned to the best
account, - my
seniors disposed of, and myself, with a pair of epaulets,
commanding the smartest brig in the service.
Alack-a-day! what a climb down from such high flights my life
has been. The ship in which I was to have sailed to the west
was suddenly countermanded to the east. She was to leave for
China the following week, and I was already appointed to her,
not even as a 'super.'
My courage and my
ambition were wrecked at a blow. The
notion of returning for another three years to China, where
all was now
peaceful and stale to me, the
excitement of the
war at an end, every port reminding me of my old comrades,
visions of renewed fevers and
horrible food, - were more than
I could stand.
I
instantly made up my mind to leave the Navy. It was a
wilful, and perhaps a too hasty,
impulse. But I am impulsive
by nature; and now that my father was dead, I fancied myself
to a certain
extent my own master. I knew
moreover, by my
father's will, that I should not be
dependent upon a
profession. Knowledge of such a fact has been the ruin of
many a better man than I. I have no
virtuous superstitions
in favour of
poverty - quite the
reverse - but I am convinced
that the rich man, who has never had to earn his position or
his living, is more to be pitied and less respected than the
poor man whose comforts certainly, if not his bread, have
depended on his own exertions.
My mother had a strong will of her own, and I could not guess
what line she might take. I also apprehended the opposition
of my guardians. On the whole, I opined a woman's heart
would be the most
suitable for an
appeal AD MISERICORDIAM.
So I pulled out the agony stop, and worked the pedals of
despair with all the
anguish at my command.
'It was easy enough for her to REVEL IN LUXURY and
consign me
to a life worse than a CONVICT'S. But how would SHE like to
live on SALT JUNK, to keep NIGHT WATCHES, to have to cut up
her blankets for PONCHOS (I knew she had never heard the
word, and that it would tell accordingly), to save her from
being FROZEN TO DEATH? How would SHE like to be mast-headed
when a ship was rolling gunwale under? As to the wishes of
my guardians, were THEIR FEELINGS to be considered before
mine? I should like to see Lord Rosebery or Lord Spencer in
my place! They'd very soon wish they had a mother who &c.
&c.'
When my letter was finished I got leave to go
ashore to post
it. Feeling utterly
miserable, I had my hair cut; and,
rendered
perfectlyreckless by my appearance, I consented to
have what was left of it
tightly curled with a pair of tongs.
I cannot say that I shared in any
sensible degree the
pleasure which this operation seemed to give to the artist.