the city walls. Fully exposed to the fire, which was pretty
hot, 'old Tommy' as we called him, paced to and fro with
contemptuous
indifference, stopping
occasionally to spy the
enemy with his long ship's
telescope. A number of
bluejackets, in reserve, were stationed about half a mile
further off at the bottom of the protecting hill. They were
completely screened from the fire by some buildings of the
suburbs abutting upon the slope. Those in front were
watching the cannon-balls which had struck the crest and were
rolling as it were by mere force of
gravitation down the
hillside. Some jokes were made about football, when suddenly
a smart and popular young officer - Fox, first
lieutenant of
one of the brigs - jumped out at one of these spent balls,
which looked as though it might have been picked up by the
hands, and gave it a kick. It took his foot off just above
the ankle. There was no
surgeon at hand, and he was bleeding
to death before one could be found. Sir Thomas had come down
the hill, and
seeing the wounded officer on the ground with a
group around him, said in passing, 'Well, Fox, this is a bad
job, but it will make up the pair of epaulets, which is
something.'
'Yes sir,' said the dying man
feebly, 'but without a pair of
legs.' Half an hour later he was dead.
I have
spokenlightly of courage, as if, by
implication, I
myself possessed it. Let me make a
confession. From my soul
I pity the man who is or has been such a
miserablecoward as
I was in my
infancy, and up to this
youthful period of my
life. No fear of bullets or bayonets could ever equal mine.
It was the fear of ghosts. As a child, I think that at times
when shut up for
punishment, in a dark
cellar for
instance, I
must have nearly gone out of my mind with this appalling
terror.
Once when we were lying just below Whampo, the captain took
nearly every officer and nearly the whole ship's crew on a
punitive
expedition up the Canton river. They were away
about a week. I was left behind,
dangerously ill with fever
and ague. In his
absence, Sir Thomas had had me put into his
cabin, where I lay quite alone day and night,
seeing hardly
anyone save the
surgeon and the captain's
steward, who was
himself a shadow, pretty nigh. Never shall I forget my
mental sufferings at night. In vain may one attempt to
describe what one then goes through; only the victims know
what that is. My ghost - the ghost of the Whampo Reach - the
ghost of those
sultry and miasmal nights, had no shape, no
vaporous form; it was nothing but a presence, a vague
amorphous dread. It may have floated with the
swollen and
putrid corpses which hourly came bobbing down the
stream, but
it never appeared; for there was nothing to appear. Still it
might appear. I expected every
instant through the night to
see it in some inconceivable form. I expected it to touch
me. It neither stalked upon the deck, nor hovered in the
dark, nor moved, nor rested
anywhere. And yet it was there
about me, - where, I knew not. On every side I was
threatened. I feared it most behind the head of my cot,
because I could not see it if it were so.
This, it will be said, is the
description of a
nightmare.
Exactly so. My agony of
fright was a
nightmare; but a
nightmare when every sense was strained with wakefulness,
when all the powers of
imagination were concentrated to
paralyse my shattered reason.
The experience here
spoken of is so common in some form or
other that we may well pause to consider it. What is the
meaning of this fear of ghosts? - how do we come by it? It
may be thought that its
cradle is our own, that we are
purposely
frightened in early
childhood to keep us calm and
quiet. But I do not believe that nurses' stories would